Laughing with Spoons

New Year

2012-01-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

So I could spend hours and hours uploading pics of the kids. I could tell you all about our trip to Disneyland (awesome), Allison turning two (wonderful), Christmas (beautiful), New Years (fun) and today (same ol' same ol'). Not much has changed in the last few months/weeks since I have last blogged...3 months ago.

Emily is still in school 5 days a week and loving it. She is SO smart and SO adorable - I am so blessed! In less than a month we will register her for kindergarten. WHAT! REALLY???? It's mind blowing. She can't be growing THAT much can she? She is loving playing - doing puzzles - reading and just being a typical 4 year old. She has expressed interest in maybe trying dance class again - so we will see. Not sure she's ready for that again but doesn't hurt to try! She's grown so much from 2-4!

Allison is still Allison. Getting into everything she shouldn't. Running crazy. Energy I wish I could bottle up and sell. Cuddling like no other. Soon we will begin the FUN task of potty training! :) LOL! She's so tall now - wearing 3T because she is so tall!

Perhaps I will get better with pictures and even blogging here on this little blog. Seems like there is never enough time with two kids...but perhaps I'll try a little harder! :)

Busy

2011-10-01T19:49:00.001-07:00

It's been 3 months since I last blogged. Quite pathetic! But...with 2 little ones and a husband who has been working like crazy...it's been difficult to do anything...like I dont know...relax!

We've visited family that came over from Illinois (my brother and his family), spent time in Monterey, celebrated my dad's 70th birthday, celebrated Emily's 4th birthday and my...errr...30-something. Spent time at the fair (where I won 1st and 2nd place for my cupcakes). We've hung out with family and friends and have been busy creating memories!

I'm on my phone blogging so I'm just going to add pics from the last three months. Lazy blogging, yes...but blogging nonetheless! :-)

It's Because I Can...

2011-07-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

The past weekend was the Relay for Life. It was the first time I had been able to participate. It was such an amazing experience. It was emotional as I missed my Grandma, my dear friend Tina, and thought about a special 3 year old, Rylie. They all lost their fight to this disease. I was inspired that my Uncle is in remission and my friend is a survivor! I thought about my husband and my girls and prayed they never ever have to fight this disease. I laughed and cried and feel like this was a very personal life changing event.

I was humbled that SO many people donated to me. 49 people donated online. Many more donated in person. Words could never express my gratitude to each and every donor. I was brought to tears many times over my donations.

The day started bright and early. I picked up balloons that I was able to get Safeway to donate and headed to the track to wait for the opening ceremony to begin. Little did I know that I would be called to the front in front of every single person there to receive flowers for being the second highest fundraiser for the entire event! After the opening ceremony commenced, all the survivors took the first lap, followed by caregivers.

So we walked. We walked and we walked. We stopped at booths. We learned. We visited. We had fun. After a few hours I had to head home to put my girls down to bed. I was able to put my feet up and relax a bit before we all packed up and headed down again. This time my girls and Mother-in-law joined me in the walk - where we walked and we walked and we walked. We stopped and got beads for each lap we completed. I had bought purple spray for our hair so we stopped and got our hair sprayed. We bought cookies. We walked. We held hands. We had fun.

Right before I had to leave to get the girls dinner, bathed and to sleep, they started setting out the luminaria bags. Those little bags made me tear up right away. I found my friend Tina's first, and then my Grandmother's bag. The bags are set out to remember those that have passed, those that are currently fighting the disease, and those who are survivors. Once the sun goes down they light the bags. It's an emotional event to see those bags lit, to share in the personal emotions with every single person there. They played a slide show which had every person I was walking for in it. I had the ugly cry. I missed my grandma so very much. I was so heartbroken for Rylie and her family. I thought about how she never got to do the things my girls get to. Three is such a young age. I missed my friend Tina tremendously and thought about the last words she shared with me. I thought about my Uncle and knew that the battle he went through was probably a lot harder emotionally and physically than he let on. I thought about my friend Trina and how scary it must have been to have been pregnant with her first born and going through chemo. I thought about the new friend I had just met who was wearing her husband's sweatshirt that passed away. My heart broke for the little girls who sat in front of me bawling their eyes out because their daddy was in heaven. I thought about my husband and how I'd never want to be sitting there wearing his sweatshirt because he had passed. I thought about how I'd never want my girls to be feeling the raw pain that those girls were feeling and crying as hard as they were. I thought about my girls and prayed and prayed they never fall victim to this disease.

I am honored that I stood with over 200 men and women that want to see a cure. I am honored that I was among survivors. I am honored that others donated to support me in this event. If I could have walked all night, I would have. But with a husband on shift and a mother in law watching my girls, I had to leave around 1030. Next year, I hope I can stay the night.

Between my girls and myself we walked about 8.5 miles. They originally said every 4 beads equaled a mile. Then some other people that worked the bead booth later on said every 6 beads equaled a mile. Then right before the luminary ceremony, I was told every 8 beads equaled a mile. Whether we walked 8.5, 11, or almost 17 miles, I wish I could have walked more.

I don't think that unless you experience the Relay first hand and you are doing it for personal reasons that someone can truly *get* how life changing this event can be.

I am leaving you with these words that were very fitting. They were in the bulletin from last year:

I am tired. I smell. My feet hurt. My eyes feel like grit, and my head is pounding from lack of sleep...but I am grateful.

I have all of my body parts with which I was born. I have all of my hair. I didn't lose my breakfast in a bucket. I can hold my loved ones.

I will collapse in my bed tonight and pray for all the people we raised money for through Relay For Life, and I will cry for the people we were too late to help. I will pray for all the people who helped make Relay a success. I will give thanks for every minute of my life and all the blessings in it.

I will NEVER ask myself why I wear myself out raising money for a fight against cancer because I know why.

IT'S BECAUSE I CAN...

Cuteness Overload

2011-05-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Okay okay okay. I KNOW. I know I've been slacking on blogging. I have been busy. You know...same ol' song and dance! I guess what it takes to get me to blog these days is a whole lotta buggin. :) At any rate...I'm attaching some much requested photos of the girls. These are all cell phone pics because I am too lazy to pull them out of the video camera, upload and photoshop. Deal with it. At least be happy I am blogging, right? :)

We've been busy lately just playing. The weather has been warm. Okay no. That's a lie. The weather WAS warm for about 2 days. Warm enough to run through sprinklers! It now appears that October is here with rain and cold. I'm not complaining though - I LOVE the rain but some sunshine is a wonderful thing! We've also been trying to get to the park everyday - now that the best one for both girls is re-open! And of course...Emily has been able to play with her BFF...something she absolutely LOVES! :)

So...the right side of the pic has been cut off some...if you want to see the full picture - you have to click on it.

We also visited Children's Fairyland in Oakland. The girls had a lot of fun! They were able to slide, crawl, explore and go on rides! As you can see, Allison is already a rule breaker by standing up in the ferris-wheel while it was going. Sigh. But they had a lot of fun! I had fun watching them explore!

To see the full pic - you have to click on it. Not missing much - just looks better when it's the full pic.

We also spent the day down at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. We went down there to see all the fish - and to see the husband. The husband has had to take a few classes down there and since we missed him so much - we headed down to check out the sights! I was SO impressed that Emily wasn't afraid to touch all the stuff in the water this time! If you look at the picture of her holding up the green seaweed- she is yelling "LOOK MOM! IT'S LETTUCE!!!" It was adorable! Allison also was able to touch some stuff as well. As you can see - the day tired Allison out and she pretty much passed out back at Erik's hotel room where we bathed and put pjs on for the ride home.

Again...click on to see full picture. Not missing much on this one - just it looks better if you click.

So we've been busy. Yay. Busy is good - but it's also exhausting! :) So the past few days we have just hung out and took it easy. Tonight Emily has a graduation performance at school. Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that she doesn't get too scared and not perform. She isn't graduating but will be promoting to a new class this fall. The girls are just growing SO fast - it's just amazing!

So there you have it. I blogged! YAY! I should now get a gold star for my efforts...right? Eh. Instead I'm off to "reward" myself by doing laundry. :-|

Do's and Dont's

2011-05-17T06:42:00.001-07:00

In thinking about my role as a parent lately, I ponder all the things I've been told and warned about versus what this gig really offers. New parents are faced with a lot of truth and fiction and I have learned over the past 3.5 years that what works for one parent, won't work for another.

Since of course I'm an expert on parenting (please note the sarcasm there) I'll give you my list of Dos and Don'ts I've learned during my time as a mom.

DO know that when your baby is brand new, it will be the easiest part of parenthood. Although that baby cries and wakes up all night long, it will be the easiest part. No back-talk. No time-outs. No tantrums. Just a squishy cute baby that actually sleeps more than you realize!

DON'T hesitate to ask for help. We all need help. It's the hardest thing for me to do. But it's important. The absolute BEST present my husband and I got when we brought home our baby for the first time was several hours of sleep while our baby was watched. It was heaven-sent.

DO back up your videos...OFTEN. As much as a pain in the ass it is to back up all your videos (especially when it is a HD camera and your computer doesn't support it) it's SO important. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to have most of your child's "firsts" stolen from you when your house is broken into. In fact the only item you will care about recovering is that video camera. Years later it will still bring tears to your eyes thinking about all the footage you lost. BACK UP OFTEN. Even when it's a pain in the ass.

DON'T listen to experts or friends or family that tell you your child should be doing this or that by a certain age. Sure, some things should be checked out if significantly delayed but your child will coo, smile, sit, crawl, stand, walk and talk on their own time. Take in each moment and actually be ok if they aren't crawling or walking right away. You will like that more than you know.

DO take a step back and realize this time, no matter how difficult, will fly by. Before you know it, that child you brought into this world, the one you taught about life, will be out of your arms as you offer the world back to them.

DON'T worry, Supermoms and Superdads don't really exist. Laundry will pile up, dusting will be put off, crap will accumulate throughout the house. If you, your spouse and your kids are clean, fed, smiling, laughing and happy...you are doing a damn good job.

DO believe the pediatrician when they tell you the average number of illnesses the first year of preschool is a minimum of 30. No matter how clean your house is, how many vitamins you give and how often you wash hands...your kid will get sick from the germ-infested breeding ground known as preschool or daycare. Believe it or not, your kid won't be the only sick one although it will feel like it. Those germs will also get your other children, your spouse and yourself sick. Be thankful if it's only sniffles and flus. Strep, lice and even pinworms (ack!!!) are also common.

DO know that having two children is insane. It's doubly hard. More than double. But also know that it's a wonderful wonderful thing and so worth it!

DON'T listen to others. Don't listen to the mom that offers condescending advice. It's ok to formula feed, use store-bought baby food and disposable diapers. Don't listen to the mom who thinks they can discipline or calm your child better than you. Don't feel like a bad mom if your child rolls off the couch onto their head in front of said moms.

DO know that when you go to bed later than usual...your kids will wake up WAY earlier than usual. Every. Single. Time.

DO love. DO laugh...all the time. DO hug and kiss and then hug and kiss some more. DO teach. DO bend the rules. DO allow ice cream. And DO back up your videos!

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's Day. For whatever reason I am sitting here wondering what exactly MAKES a good mom. I know you don't even have to give birth to a child to be a "good mom" but what if I don't even measure up under the definition of "decent mom" let alone a "good mom"? I guess perhaps there is a difference between a "good mom" and a "super mom". "Super moms" don't really exist I suppose - but for some reason - society makes us think there a million of them running around out there and we are failing at our jobs. At least it does for me.   It's a RARE RARE thing where I am told by someone that I am a "good mom". As a matter of fact...minus my husband...I don't think ANYONE has told me that. My husband gets compliments about being a great father all the time - but me? Not so much.

As a mom to two girls, and the wife of a firefighter whose schedule does not give me a partner that is home every single night (and lately - has not been home for a couple weeks), I find myself feeling like a failure as a parent. I yell. I put in time out. I make my kids cry. I cry. I feel like a bully. I crave alone time. I have been known to have the kids watch some tv so I can take a break and decompress as best as a stay-at-home-mom can. I have checked out a time or two.  I am not a good play-partner. I don't spend as much time as I should with them. I can't quite figure out how to give both of them all the attention they both need at the same time. I can't seem to keep the house clean. I can't seem to please everyone.

Hmmm. Maybe that's the problem? I spend so much time pleasing everyone else (or at least trying to) - I forget about me. But does a "good mom" just do that - forget about themselves and put everyone else first?

I love. I laugh. I tickle and make them snort when laughing. I've even been known to make them laugh so hard they snort and fart at the same time.  I hug. I kiss. I scratch backs to relax. I wipe butts. I sing. I rock. I read books and play with puzzles. I take them places. I TRY to teach the ABCs and 123s. I TRY to teach how to spell C-A-T or D-O-G. I give them a sense of family by having grandparents and aunts over (to me it's so important to have a good family bond with extended family).  I bake (although I know they only help so they can eat the batter or the dough). I bring them to the park when I can't stand going to the park. I allow them to learn on their own (as hard as that is). I feed, clothe, bathe and fix boo-boos. I dry tears. I love.

I don't know what makes a great mom. I'm sure my mom wondered if she was a good mom herself. I am sure most moms wonder the same thing. I guess the one thing I DO know is in my heart I love those little girls more than I could ever find the words for. My actions may not always show that - but it's true. I just really hope I don't screw them up to where they need therapy later in life.  I make mistakes. I am human. I am a mom.

I Could NEVER Begin to Imagine

2011-04-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

I cannot get the Cruz Family out of my mind. I cannot begin to even understand what they are going through. I cannot stop thinking of Rylie.

Rylie is such a beautiful little girl who has been suffering through Neuroblastoma. A seriously horrible form of cancer. She is Emily's age.

She is now in her final days...final hours on this Earth. My heart is broken for this family. I'm praying so hard that the next few days are filled with love and smiles and Rylie is kept as comfortable as possible. I wish I could wrap my arms around this little girl, her sisters, and her parents. I'm praying so hard for peace in that family. I could NEVER begin to imagine that heartache.

I'm asking all of you to take a few moments out of your day to pray for the Cruz family. They need all the prayers they can get as they go through the next few days and hours.

Now take the time to hold your children close. Really close. Rylie went from a normal 2 year old to being diagnosed with this horrible disease and starting her journey down this difficult road. No matter how crazy your children drive you...love them. Hold them. Let them know you care. Be their friend. Be their mentor. Be their parent. Love. Laugh. Build a solid future. You NEVER know what life has in store for you.

Bad Case of the Mondays

2011-04-25T11:29:00.001-07:00

Having a SERIOUS case of the Mondays today. It just seems so wrong to have so many things happening after such a great Easter. Wish I could wiggle my nose or cross my arms and nod my head to make things better. Today these two creatures are the only thing getting me through...

Reminders

2011-04-03T06:59:00.001-07:00

I'm sick. It's not fun, especially with two little ones. I'm so sick, I actually made the husband leave his shift and come home. I felt it was safer for the kids because if one of them needed me...more than usual...I wouldn't be useful and that's not so good. Stay at home moms aren't allotted sick days like your average employee...but this time I actually lowered my pride and requested help.

The hubby is here although he's about to get up and go to work leaving me to fend for myself. He's been great while I've been miserable.

At 4am, since I'm already awake with a sore throat that is about to have me reach in and pull my tonsils out myself (yes I still have mine). A nose that won't allow air in, and a cough I'm positive is giving me some wonderful ab muscles. I'm miserable. I hear the youngest coughing and I hear the husband stumble in there to try and soothe her. (The husband has been sleeping on the couch. I'm sure it's because he doesn't want my cooties but I tell myself it's so I can sleep soundly. Ha!) She's still coughing. I get up to take motrin to lower my fever and make my throat stop hurting and sudafed to open up my nose. I grab her water and stumble in there to see if he wants me to give it a try. We switch shifts.

I rock and sing (as well as anyone can with half a voice) and as she's finally dozing off...I'm reminded.

I'm reminded how small she use to be. How with both girls I remembered rocking them as newborns in their chairs, so tiny they only filled up my arms. I remember always thinking that one day they will be as long as the width of the chair. The thought at the time seemed crazy but I knew it was going to happen. Today, I realized the youngest is not only the width of the chair, but longer. Where did all that time go?

I'm reminded as I rock her again (after she wakes up crying after I try to lay her down...classic) that before I know it, this baby will be her sister's age and may not be so cuddly. I'm reminded that if I just blink long enough, this little baby will be a teenager with attitude, annoyed by her parents.

I always wondered how the girls would look as they got older. At three, five, ten, teenager, adult. I never imagined those ages would come so quickly. My oldest is already 3.5. I'm reminded how quickly time really does fly.

I'm reminded, as I rock and cuddle my daughter, of a little girl named Rylie that is Emily's age and fighting for her life. She has cancer and I can't even begin to understand how that family has the strength it does. I can' begin to imagine the strength of that girl. She has more strength than I think I will ever have. As annoyed as I can get with my girls, they are healthy. My heart breaks for Rylie and her family. I cannot for one second understand the pain inside that mother seeing her precious daughter so sick. I am scared for my own children. Rylie was just diagnosed last year.

Life. We seem to take so much for granted. We seem to move so fast and fail to take the time to really enjoy all the things this world has to offer. When's the last time I actually took the time to really see life? I get so caught up with the kids not listening, doing things they shouldn't, whining and having temper tantrums. But I fail, often, to smile in those times and remember these are little humans just learning about life. Something that I am responsible for teaching them. But the funniest part of that is...as a parent we spend all our time teaching our kids about life, but they are actually the ones teaching us what life is all about.

Reminders are good. It helps to get back on track. I just wish I wasn't one of those that NEEDED reminders...I just wish I lived like that all the time.

But it's now time to get out of bed and move on with this day without the help of my husband. And although I don't feel good at all...I think today will be a good day!

Infested

2011-03-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

My house is infested with germs. I'm about to sport this new outfit in hopes of getting out alive:

It seems like every time I turn around someone is sick. I'm praying it doesn't hit me this time.

Poor Emily is miserable! Fever, cough, snot. Miserable. Allison is experiencing hives off and on for whatever reason. The doctor thinks she has what Emily does but the symptoms present themelves differently. Why yes they do.

At any rate sick kids = tired mommy.

Hoping this sick little girl heals soon...it breaks my heart to see her like this!

It just HAS to stop!

2011-03-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

I NEED YOUR HELP!

This June I will be participating in the Relay for Life here in town. There are so many reasons why this is important and why I am doing it.

I am walking for my dear Grandmother that I lost in 2008. I'm walking for my Uncle who is currently battling the disease. I am walking for someone who was very special to me - a mentor to me who lost her battle in 2007. I am walking for one of my dear friends who is a survivor.

I am walking for these four.

I am also walking for every single child that has been diagnosed and battled this horrible disease. I am walking for my countless uncles, aunts, cousins and friends who have lost this fight, braved this fight and those that are survivng. I am walking for every single person who is going through it now. I am walking for the future. I NEVER want my children to have to battle this disease. I don't want any of your children to battle it either.

Can you PLEASE help? If you know me - you know it's EXTREMELY hard for me to ask for help - but this is something so important to me, I'm letting my guard down and doing so.

I know times are tough. I know this recession has hurt all of us. I know that sometimes just thinking of giving to a cause is overwhelming because funds are tight. But EVERY tiny tiny bit helps. Every dollar. A cup of coffee. A fast food meal. A gossip magazine. All those can be traded in - for only ONE day - to help fight this disease. Just one day. Just $5.

Can you help me??

I have set a personal goal of $1,000 and I'm on my way but need your help to get me there!

The American Cancer Society Relay For Life® is a life-changing event that gives people a chance to celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against the disease. Relay For Life® helps raise much-needed funds and awareness to help the American Cancer Society save lives from cancer.

Please support my efforts by visiting my personal web page to make a secure, tax-deductible online donation.

Every donation really does make a difference, and helps the American Cancer Society save lives every day by helping people stay well and get well, finding cures, and fighting back.

Thank you so very very much!

PLEASE VISIT MY PERSONAL PAGE BY CLICKING HERE.

Long Day Today

2011-03-24T20:42:00.001-07:00

I'm so exhausted! The little one had to have surgery today. It was a simple procedure to open obstructed tear ducts.

She did GREAT! She amazed us how well she did with no food! She was a trooper and a cute one at that!

I'm so exhausted I can't even bring myself to write much more. I'm on my phone rocking her to sleep.

And big sister Emily got to have her very first sleepover! She was SUPER excited!! She did great!

It turned out to be a good day! But I'm off to bed! Night all!

ZZZzzzzz

Things My Momma Didn't Teach Me

2011-03-16T22:17:00.001-07:00

My mom has taught me many things in my life. Some I've listened to. Some I haven't. Most I should have.

But there are things she didn't teach me that I wish she could have.

I wish she could tell me how she stayed so calm when I would dilly-dally and we were already 10 minutes late leaving. How did she not show her frustrations when I just didn't listen or just wanted to do my own thing at the moment.

I wish she could give me her secret of taking care of two little ones who get into everything and make the house look like a tornado has run through it...repeatedly.

I wish she could give me the recipe on mending a broken heart when you've yelled at your child unnecessarily and there are lots of tears...of your own. Tears of guilt, tears of disappointment in yourself, tears of being a huge failure.

I wish my mom could have explained to me exactly how to raise children. Why didn't she give me her manual?

I wish my mom would have taught me how hard this whole wife and mother thing is. She made it look so easy. She still makes it look so easy.

Through all her trials and tribulations, she's always stood tall even if she probably felt like crumbling to the floor and dying. She's laughed and smiled and has been so lighthearted through the most stressful situations. She's outgoing. She's fun. She's beautiful...inside and out.

She's taught me so much. In those instances where I'm stressed and wanting to just run away from life...I think of her and and remember how I've seen her handle the hardest of times with what appeared to be a gentle ease.

She's taught me to always have on clean underwear, to keep gas in the car and that sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to. But why didn't she share her manual or even give me her manual on child-rearing. She must have had one, right?

All I know is I'm honored and I'm blessed she is my mom. I can only hope to be even half as good a mother as she has been to me.

Now click on over to Mama Kat's and play along with her pretty much world famous Writer's Workshop!

Same Thing...Different Day

2011-03-13T14:51:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here watching the rain outside right now. Oh how I love the rain! Emily is sleeping, Allison is getting into everything and the husband is paying bills.

There really hasn't been too much going on lately. Same ol' same ol' in our neck of the woods.

We've had some sisterly love going on...

And some playing...

We've had lots of bubbles (I blow bubbles when someone is grumpy to help lighten their mood...or I blow them just to bring smiles!)

I've notice how much the girls are growing up...and so quickly..

Allison has started using utensils...as best as she can...

And we've just been doing what we normally do...

Laugh...

Play...

And just be...

Really not much to complain about right now! Life is good!

Snip Snip

2011-03-03T22:34:00.001-08:00

So the little one got her first haircut a couple days ago. Okay...can't really call it a haircut...it was a bang trim. But nevertheless...she looks much older now...at least to me.

(she loved getting it done)

I'm sure I have better pics on the video camera but these are from my phone of course.

She's growing so big! She's having surgery on the 24th. Minor surgery but it's still scary because she will be put to sleep. Wait. That kinda sounds like she's a dog. She will be put under. Eh...you knew what I meant to begin with.

I know it will be okay but still asking for a prayer or two...if you are the praying type. And even if not, positive vibes, extra thoughts, whatever would be awesome!

Anywho...the hubby's cousin from Sweden came to visit recently. It was a great visit! Emily wasn't sure what to think about him but Allison loved him! She literally walked over to him, wanted him to pick her up, and just hugged him. For a lonnng time. The kid doesn't even hug me that long and I feed her!

It honestly was a touching moment. My heart melted and I'm sure Lars-Peter's did too!

Trying to get a picture with both kids was a tough thing to do. But...we tried.

We had a big brunch the day he left and it was great seeing family. The weather was nice and we sat outside for the first time in a while.

It's been a good couple weeks and now we are blessed with germs. Hoping it passes quick for all of us! :-)

The interesting life of a mom

2011-02-19T07:57:00.001-08:00

I've learned that being a mom is NOT an easy job. In fact, it's the hardest job I've ever done. I thought working with hot-headed attorneys, or super busy law firms, or competitive paralegals and secretaries was hard. I thought owning a business and having every single thing on MY shoulders was difficult. But really? That was a cakewalk compared to being a mommy.

This week has been exceptionally rough for me. I'm glad it's Saturday because that means the week is over and POOF everything is going to be better, right? RIGHT?? (this is where you humor me and say "OF COURSE!")

This past Thursday we went to Habitot out in Berkeley again. I LOVE that place. It's SO fun for the kids and even for the parents to watch their children explore and take it all in while having a blast. The time there started out great!

Emily and her friend Kaylee practiced with make up for their teen years.

And just had a blast...

(those were the only pics I got).

Allison had a blast in the baby area climbing and crawling through things and practicing walking. All was happy in our little world...

Until the hubby and our friend needed to move the cars out of metered parking. I assured them I'd be fine and I'd see them in a bit. The husband asked me if I was sure because 3 kids by myself is hard. NO problem...I've done it before.

Two minutes after I was left with three girls...Emily experienced her very first text-book tantrum. In public. In front of other moms who some were shooting me the judgmental looks and others giving me the sympathetic ones. She was hitting me, kicking me, screaming "G-D DAMNIT" so the whole world could hear. She was refusing to walk to her time out with me and I couldn't do a whole lot because I was holding Allison while she did all this. I tried grabbing her hand in the middle of all this (several times actually) and she would lay on the floor hitting, kicking, screaming and cussing. Jaws were dropped and one mom chimed in to say "let her play over here". Um lady. That's not the point. But thanks for your unwanted advice.

FINALLY Kaylee's dad, Adam, showed up, I literally just about threw Allison to him, picked up my screaming, kicking, cussing toddler and headed outside for time out. She cried. I didn't at the moment but almost did (and did later). It had already been a difficult week.

But...order was restored, she hugged me, reminding me why my job is so important and so worth every difficult moment. Those big brown watery eyes looking at me telling me she was so so sorry made everything in the world not matter at that moment.

Being a mommy is so hard. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm always wondering how I'm screwing them up and how much therapy they will need. But it's worth it. The good and the bad. The smiles and the tears.

Here's to a good ending to a horrible horrible week. Hoping next week is much much better!

No Business Like Snow Business

2011-02-16T09:24:00.001-08:00

Cheesy title. Sue me.

Anyways...last week we made our way up to Tahoe to play in the snow. We had a GREAT time! Both girls loved it. Emily did great walking through it...better than I did! And Allison LOVED being pulled on the sled.

We did sledding at an empty resort. It was crazy how empty it was! Perfect for us though!

We were able to relax...hang out...have fun! Something desperately needed! I of course have more pictures but they are on the video camera and I'm on my phone. I'll upload them...one day! :-)

Every little step counts

2011-02-14T13:17:00.001-08:00

So the munchkin has walked once on her own. Well, once without help. She can totally walk but isn't confident enough yet. However, just a bit ago I was doing dishes and looked up to see her walking without begging or pleading or threats. So proud!
And in the time it took me to post this, she's been walking more! Proud mommy moment!

Testing...

2011-02-13T10:26:00.001-08:00

Since I do not have as much time to sit at the computer and blog (kids do that to you...or me at least) I'm trying it with my phone right now as I nurse my sick one year old.

Does this really work like it says?

And she doesn't look all that sick (although this was taken yesterday). We were practicing for the future (it's a time out chair).

And my oldest helped make the cookies for her Valentine party at preschool yesterday...

And they turned out awesome!!

Now let's see if this posts!

I think I'm Over It...

2011-01-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

I use to LOVE to blog. In fact, I did it daily. But now? Not so much. Maybe it's because I don't have as much free time to myself anymore? Since I stopped blogging so much, I have lost a ton of readers and I find myself with hardly anything interesting to say anymore.

So...do I keep at it or just give it up? I like the aspect of having something for the kids to read should anything ever happen to me. Morbid. But true. I also like having things to look back on and remember. But I don't like the time it seems to take to do it. Uploading pictures takes forever and with two crazy children in the house...the 1/2 hour of time to do this would be better spent reading, or napping (yes...1/2 hour nap if I can get it is wonderful!), or just "being". Now...if I could blog from my phone and upload pictures that way...it would make life much easier and I'd blog A LOT more.

Just thinking out loud.

I do have a lot of pictures to upload. Hell - a lot has happened since last year. Allison turned 1. Christmas was awesome. New Years was spent with me sick...but at least the hubby was home. We've been starting to FINALLY decorate our house after being here for over a year. I realized after all the Christmas decorations came down that our house is very bare. So now it's time to decorate. It's actually been fun coming up with ideas and buying things here and there. We will paint and do crown molding and get things looking good in here. It won't happen overnight - but it'll happen and it's exciting.

Allison STILL isn't walking yet but she can stand on her own. Honestly, I think she CAN walk - but she's just not confident enough yet. Before long I'll wish I didn't want her to walk and wish she was back to crawling. She's already into EVERYTHING...I can only imagine how it will be once she's walking.

Emily is doing great in preschool and is just growing and learning so many things! It's SO awesome to watch her write or draw or just listen to her imagination.

Erik and I have been doing well - and having fun with the house projects. We are getting ready to go up to the snow here soon - and I CAN'T wait! Time away will be great and much needed!

So there's my quick update. I can't promise I'll update again soon. I can't promise I'll ever get around to adding birthday and Christmas and every day pictures...but I'll EVENTUALLY get to it. One day! :)

No Title...

2010-12-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

I can never come up with clever titles to my posts - so this one really doesn't have one! :)

I've been busy. Same ol' song and dance that I write about in each post. I'm busy. Blah blah blah. We all are I'm sure. But let's see...where did I leave off...what's been going on in my life??

Halloween. Really? That's where I left off. It's a miracle if ANYONE reads this blog anymore, and rightly so.

But here we go...

We visited the Happiest Place on Earth

We met Santa - and someone wasn't a fan

We met Mickey

Took pictures with Princess Jasmine

Was in awe of Sleeping Beauty

Loved Snow White

And there are a ton more pictures...but that requires time. Time to pull them out of the camera (meaning watching the videos and capturing pictures inside the video), load the card into the reader, edit the pics and then upload them to blogger...which honestly...can be a pain in the ass. So there's a preview of SOME of the things we've done.

I have more pictures to share and more events to write about - but this will do for now...or at least will have to! :) Perhaps I will be less boring next time around! :)

Apparently...

2010-11-28T13:00:00.003-08:00

Apparently I'm out of of office. I've been out of office for a while. I should hopefully return to blogging in the next few weeks! :)

How do you do it?

2010-11-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a mom of 2. One is 3, one is almost a year. Oh my...really? Almost a year??? One naps, the other is awake. The other naps, the other is awake. They need attention. The house needs to be cleaned. I am exhausted. How do you all fit blogging in? By the time I nurse and put the little one down, I'm exhausted and ready to veg and not deal with photoshopping pictures, which let's be honest...I don't really photoshop...it's more of a "quick fix" and allow photoshop to do it all on its own. But still, that seems to take forever. I guess I just need to find more time.

At any rate...we've been busy lately. The kid has been going to preschool. She got sick (yay for preschool :-\). Baby got sick. Husband got sick. Everyone healed. Halloween came around. Go go go go go is what it seems like lately. Does that ever stop???

I absolutely LOVE this time of year so I had a blast celebrating Halloween with the family. It's my mom's birthday on Halloween so I was blessed to have been able to spend her birthday with her. She went trick-or-treating with us and we had pizza and cake! :) Great night! Great month! :)

Ready for pumpkins

Excited to be here

Cuteness overload

Boo from Monster's Inc

Boo and Sulley

Okay let's trick-or-treat already!

The kid drew and carved her own pumpkin!

Fun night!

Proud of the Giants and Mickey Mouse one! :)

Check Your Ladies...

2010-10-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today I'm asking, begging, and pleading to all of you out there to check your "ladies". October, as a lot of you know, is breast cancer awareness month. Breast cancer is the most common cancer among women in the United States (aside from skin cancer). It only takes a couple minutes (if that) to do self-exams.

It's important.

Very important.

Today I am holding those dealing with this (those physically dealing with it and those dealing with it emotionally because of a loved one dealing with it) close in thought and prayer. I ask you do the same. Take some time to check yourself, and take some time to send up a prayer. It only takes a moment.

I am especially holding MommaKiss and her BFF super close. She is losing both of her ladies today. She is my age. I'm not old. You always expect older people to get cancer. Not someone in their 30s. I cannot imagine what her friend is going through. My heart is overflowing with emotion for her. My heart breaks for MommaKiss because none of us want to see our BFF go through anything bad - especially this bad. I don't know her friend but I've been praying and thinking of her since I found out the news. Today especially. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hold her so very close in thought and prayer. She needs all the prayers right now. She needs to feel the love holdin' her up during this time. She needs to feel the hands of love extended towards her as she goes through this. Pray for MommaKiss too. She needs her hand held too.

So please, ALL OF YOU (men included) - take the time to do an exam. It only takes a few moments. It's one of the most important things you can do today.

And? FTC. FTMFC!

Oldie but a Goodie...

2010-10-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've posted this twice before - but today...it's once again, very fitting...

I AM...

I am thankful. This has not always been an easy walk for me.

I am disappointed. We have missed family gatherings, weddings, dinner engagements, birthday parties, and holidays because of shift schedules and overtime.

I am patient. There have been dinners spent at the firehouse waiting for Daddy to return from a call while the kids get cranky and the food gets cold.

I am nervous. I awake at 3:00 A.M. hearing creaks in the house and don't have the comfort of my husband beside me.

I am tired. The house is full of sick kids and there is no relief in site because Daddy is on a seventy-two-hour shift.

I am jealous. Jealous of all the women whose husbands came home at 5:00 P.M. to have dinner and hold them at the end of their day.

I am worried. I worry that he may not come home one day. This I try to tuck away.

I am content. We have decided to give up my career so I can stay home and raise our children. We no longer have an abundance of money or things. It is the greatest freedom I have ever known.

I am incompetent. There was a time when I considered myself moderately intelligent. I now struggle to remember where I left my car keys, the diaper bag, and, occasionally, the baby.

I am waiting. Knowing the phone may one day ring for me.

I am doubting. Doubting that God hears all my prayers. Doubting I am the kind of wife and mother He needs me to be.

I am trusting. Trusting that my husband will come home again.

I am confident, I am embarrassed, I am lonely, I am surprised, I am overworked, I am underpaid.

I am...The Fireman's Wife.

Whew!

2010-10-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

Today was easy! No tears. Well, not from the kid at least. She did GREAT! I, however, cried as we drove away. And cried a lot. In fact, I cried before we left the house. The kid didn't know but the husband did. He thought I was silly but understood.

We went to breakfast with just the baby. What a whole different world...a whole QUIET world without the toddler.

I missed her tremendously and the husband and I kept saying "I wonder what she's doing now?" But it went well. She did come home in her spare clothes - but that's okay. It was her first day and she wasn't too sure where the outdoor potty was (from what I'm assuming).

Now this is where we get the biggest parenting fail. We didn't get many pictures. The only ones I got were in the bathroom of our house this morning (which is a crappy picture - no pun intended) - and some of her playing with a little boy in class. Sigh. We did videotape some before we left so I am not sure if any of those moments will be picture-worthy. I will have to take a look and see so I can share!

But I was happy she did so well. I'm hoping Wednesday is as smooth!

It's Almost Time...

2010-10-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a mix of emotions as I write this. I'm SUPER excited for the events that are about to happen tomorrow...but a big part of me is holding on, screaming, kicking, sad. My little girl is starting school. And it's not really SCHOOL school. Just preschool. But still. I'm allowed to be a mommy and be sad my little girl is growing up - and growing up way too fast. I'm also allowed to cry (away from her) because she has never been away from me for long periods of time. I'm allowed to have the Momma Bear in me be protective and not want her to be out of my reach. I'm allowed to miss the little one year old learning to walk. I'm allowed to just want to run far away with her so she doesn't have to go tomorrow. But I won't. I can't. I wouldn't.

I'm excited to see her venture off into this new phase. I'm excited for what she is going to learn. I'm excited she will make new friends. I'm excited she will grow independently and experience life. I'm excited for the days she brings me home her little arts and crafts projects. I'm excited for her. Just plain excited.

And to celebrate and get ready...we've made today (and a lot of yesterday) about her.

Last night before bed we spent some time laughing and snorting and taking silly pictures of us.

Today we got up and had breakfast and left the house. We went to Walmart to let her pick out new nail polish for her fingers and toes. She picked a sparkly pink. She was super excited.

She got new tennis shoes to leave at school in case of an accident. They were only $10 - deal!

We met up with her BFF to watch airplanes take off and land at the local airport.

Taken from my phone so not the best

We went to lunch at one of the best places where she had grilled cheese...

And because she loved her silly pictures so much last night...we had to take this one:

And we just HAD to have dessert. A yummy cupcake! And of course...with a silly picture!

Today is still young and she's napping right now. We will get the spa treatment with a manicure and pedicure when she wakes up. She will also get a nice bubble bath before bed.

I don't know how tomorrow will pan out. I'm sure there will be tears. If not from her, definitely from me. I am not a fan of Father Time. I don't like how fast things are moving. I want to bottle her up and keep her young forever. But I can't. If I am this nervous/sad/excited for preschool - I can't imagine kindergarten, elementary and high school - let alone college!

All I know is I love that little pumpkin-a-poo-poo with every ounce of my being. I'm so proud of her and so honored I was picked to raise such a beautiful little girl. I must have done SOMETHING right in my lifetime to be so blessed!

Flip Off Friday

2010-10-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you MommaKiss for allowing me to flip things off today! :) Here we go!

Absolutely LOVE and adore my husband - not his snoring.

I LOVE my kids more than anything - just not the fact they keep me up all night!

LOVE LOVE LOVE my toddler - just NOT her whining

Eff you stress! I hate how I let things consume me (ie - kid starting preschool which in turn gives me anxiety!)

I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

I'd also like to flip off blogger for trying to add these damn photos! What a pain in the ass it was. For whatever reason it kept messing up! Now off to make some cookies and drink champagne and make Friday awesome! :) If you'd like to flip things off - just head on over to MommaKiss and have some fun!

I'm In Trouble...

2010-10-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in about a month and it's been brought to my attention of how much of a slacker I am! (Thanks Amanda!)

So...this is what we've been up to and why I have been slacking - and what better day to post than on a Wordless Wednesday (although it's semi-wordless).

We turned three:

Went on vacation:

Been to the park...A.LOT.

Started crawling...

AND CRAWLING EVERY.FRIGGEN.WHERE.

Starting preschool Monday. Sigh. Hopefully she will do just perfect. Not so sure I will.

With Love...

2010-09-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's a day none of us will ever forget. A day of phenomenal tragedy. A day of utter pain. A day of uncertainty. A day of fear. A day of darkness. A day each of us remembers what was happening the moment we heard the news.

My heart broke then, my heart breaks now. For the 2977 people that died, for the families of those that died, for the 343 firefighters that died trying to save those people...my heart breaks.

In Loving Memory...

Friday Flip-Offs

2010-09-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Back again for another Flip-Off Friday thanks to the beautiful Momma Kiss. I love Flip-Off Friday! :)

1. First and foremost...I have a BIG eff-you to the two people arrested for looting from those poor poor families that fell victim to the San Bruno Fire. You make me absolutely sick. 53 homes destroyed, 120 damaged, 4 confirmed dead (although there will be more), and so many hurt. How dare you go and loot from these poor innocent victims. You make me sick.

2. Flippin' off whining. Honestly, listening to the toddler whine whine whine this morning is about to drive me over the edge. She will be fine in about a half hour - after she's done eating - but the time leading up to her stopping is about to make me pull my hair out!

3. And...flippin' off teeth! You little tiny baby teeth buggin' my youngest daughter can eff off. Not only does she scream in pain and chew on everything...she's chewing on ME! I have teeth marks on my left shoulder. I was also quite sure she amputated my nipple this morning when feeding her. It's still there...amazingly. But you little teeth...grow in already and leave her (and me!) alone!

And that's all for today...or at least for the moment!

Got things you want to flip off? Head on over and pay a visit to Momma Kiss and play along!

My Precious Precious Daughter...

2010-09-05T00:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Sweetheart:

Today you turn three. Did you know that three years ago today, I was given the absolute BEST birthday present, one that NO ONE could EVER top...YOU! You were born into this world at 9:58 pm and were so stunningly beautiful the moment you arrived. You are still so amazingly perfect - I have been blessed. Blessed in ways I'm not sure I deserve...but so honored to be able to be YOUR mom!

I love you so very very much. It's so fun to watch you grow into the beautiful little girl you are becoming. You amaze me every day with your intelligence, your laughter, your funny nature, your hugs and kisses, and just being YOU. I wish I could just make a huge bubble and keep you young forever but I know I can't.

I am so proud of you for all that you are. You probably don't even know what it means - or even realize it - but every single room you walk into...you light it up! You make it sparkle! You can turn any bad mood into a great mood just by looking at you. You can melt my heart with just a simple glance in my direction.

I don't know how I got so lucky to have YOU as a daughter - but I'm so overjoyed that I was chosen for you, and you were chosen for me! I look forward to watching you grow, watching you learn new things and watching you become an even better you!

I love you so very very very very very much.

Happy birthday baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

Minutes old...

First Birthday...

2nd birthday...(you can tell she was playing hard!)

About to be three...

Let's Just Be Honest Here...

2010-09-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

I started this 30 days of truth and well...I am not doing so well with it. The kid's birthday party is tomorrow and we've been busy getting things ready to host 40 people. It was only going to be 22 but then late RSVPs made the list grow to 40...so yes, we've been busy.

But...it's time to get back to the honesty thing. I have a bazillion days to catch up on it feels like - so be forewarned this will be a long post.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Oh this is so cliche...but I hope to be alive long enough to meet my grandchildren.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Bury someone I love. I know I will have to but I have a fear of it. A huge fear. I NEVER EVER EVER want to have to bury one of my children but I also don't want to lose my husband, my mom, my dad, my siblings, my friends, no one. Yes, it's inevitable but the thought of it brings me anxiety.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My husband. My kids. My family. I know that's more than one someone but they all make my existence on this earth worth every single second.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Well, I can say ex-boyfriends. BUT, in reality I guess the only person to blame here is me. I stayed in horrible abusive (verbal/emotional) relationships. I allowed to be treated that way. But I also found my self-respect, self-worth and self-love and walked away. Perhaps they will be part of my Friday flip off next week!

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Various friends in my life. I am sure we all go through that. But the whole "reason, season, lifetime" bit is completely true in my life. Each person is or was in my life for a reason and for that I am truly truly grateful for everyone.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Hmmm. I can't really think of anyone. I have learned to let go of toxic people and right now I don't think I have any toxic people in my life.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh gosh this is hard. I don't take compliments well AT ALL. Um. Hmmm. The fact I have a giving nature? I've been told I am a great mom...but again, I'm not so sure that's true. Wow. This is sad. I think I need to listen more.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

My figure. Sigh. Kids will do that to you!

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Write a letter? To a band? Hmmm. I don't even want to answer this. You will all laugh. Literally. But since I have to be honest...NKOTB. Yes, laugh. Get it out. Now back in the day - I lived for those guys. I was positive I was going to marry one of them. I just knew it. During those junior high/high school days (yup - just dated myself) when I'd have a bad day - I could just daydream and everything would be better. Yeah okay...you can stop laughing now. Kind of a silly truth - but reminds me of my youth! :)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Lot's of letter writing going on. To be honest I don't know if I have one of these either. I will have to think on it and if I come up with something I will finish this one later!

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

My husband. Before we were married we broke up. I remember that time - it was truly devastating to me. I was so heartbroken. I was looking for places to live and starting to pack stuff. Luckily it only lasted a very short time and now we are married with two beautiful daughters! :)

Friday Flip-Offs

2010-09-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

I know this blog is usually pretty PC but the real me in real life isn't always so. Today I need this Friday Flip-Off and since the wonderfully beautiful Momma Kiss is hosting - I can't just let it slide...plus I have a lot of things to flip off...

The first being party planning. Yeah. Party planning. Both mine and the toddler's birthday is this Sunday. I LOVE LOVE LOVE party planning. I like live for this ~~shit~~ stuff. But...when it comes down to the wire, the hubby has to go to work to provide for us and I have a fussy toddler and clingy baby. Today I loathe party planning. Can't I just sleep in? No. I have to clean and do some things here and there, oh yeah, and clean. Tomorrow I have to bake and bake and bake. But today, I clean. Have you tried getting a house clean with two kids that need your attention...24/7 after not sleeping much?

That's the other thing. Sleep. Sleep, I love you. BUT a big flip off to you for not coming back after I had to feed the baby at 4. Why did you just leave and leave me wide awake? Don't you realize I need you?

Now for those that don't want to read TMI stuff...just skip this flip off... But probably the BIGGEST eff you to my period. Yup...EFF YOU! Post partum periods can kiss my big white ~~ass~~ butt. I had no issues with my oldest daughter but this time around??? Hell no. They seem to last 2 to 2.5 weeks (or more) and then it comes back yesterday? Yeah...once again...EFF YOU. A few days in between periods is completely unacceptable. Happy birthday to me! And yes, I just blogged about my period.

And...as crappy as this post sounds...I am actually in a GREAT mood today! I'm excited about the party (just not the prep) and I've got my caffeine high going. BUT...I might as well flip off the crash from my high now because I'll probably be too tired to later! :)

Now head on over to Mommakiss and play along! :)

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

2010-08-25T03:49:00.000-07:00

This is going to be something that I am sure my family wouldn't want me to vent about. I guess it's not really a vent but more of something that has bothered me for 30 years. I am about to celebrate the 15th anniversary of my 21st birthday and for the prior 30-31 years there's been the biggest elephant in the room.

My dad and his parents don't talk. As long as I remember - they don't talk. When my mom and dad were married (they divorced when I was 4ish/5ish) they did speak and hang out - but after they divorced - they didn't. Growing up it was my mom that took me to visit my dad's parents. Weird.

So fast forward the 30 years. My grandfather has now passed on and my grandma is still here. My dad and her have been talking and even visiting every Sunday. Honestly, you have no idea how much this just fills me up with pride, happiness, love, basically an emotion I can't put into words. It's literally a dream come true!

Neither my grandparents nor my dad have really told me why they didn't talk. Honestly, I think they don't even know why. They just didn't. My grandma thought he didn't care - he thought she didn't care.

I've seen the utter pain in my dad from this. I've seen him breakdown and lose it when my grandfather died. He had never spoke to him. He was told not to come to the funeral by my aunt (conveying the message through my mom to me and my brother to get to him). You see, my aunt and him don't talk either. I've seen the pain when meaningless birthday cards were sent between my dad and his mom. They both loved each other but both were hurt.

So now they are SLOWLY mending things. They are SLOWLY getting to know one another. My grandma is 92. I am not sure how much longer she has but I am truly happy this is going on.

But when my dad visited her recently, he informed her he would like to come down to visit her with my children and myself. She flat out told him no. On two different occasions. I am not sure why and it's been bugging me to no end. This may be selfish - but I REALLY want a 4 generation picture. I NEVER EVER even remotely thought it would be a possibility and now that it is - I want it. I WANT to witness my dad with his mom. I NEED that. But my grandma's adamant "no" has me hurt. Has me questioning what is really going on.

I'm going to be seeing her on Thursday for a visit with my girls and husband. I'm going to ask her if it's okay if I come with my dad. If she says no I am going to ask why. I'm scared. I am scared of the answer. I'm scared of getting really emotional over it. It's been a REALLY emotional thing for me for many many years. My brother lives out of state so he isn't as affected as much as I am, but he's affected too. I'm just the one that has been in the middle of this for years and years.

I'm just really hoping that even if I don't get to witness them together, that the two of them can mend their relationship enough to make both happy when one or the other passes. I'm glad it's going on - I just wish I could be a part of it too!

Keeping my everything crossed that Thursday goes okay and I will be able to visit my grandma with my girls AND my father really really soon!

Now tell me what's on YOUR mind...

Post It Note Tuesday...

2010-08-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

If You Really Knew Me 2...3...4...

2010-08-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

So I've been busy the past few days and haven't been able to keep up on my 30 days of truth. So here you go...3 big ol' truths all in one!

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love my heart. My ability to love. My ability to love so many different things. I love helping people - out of the love in my heart. I love making others smile. I love making birthdays and holidays special for those I love. I love my family and friends with a type of love I could never explain in words, only through feelings. I love the funny little things I see my kids do...or even funny or adorable things others do. I love my husband with a love that would never be able to be captured in words. I love my friends as if they were my own brothers and sisters. I love my parents and brother with a love that once again, could never be explained in words. I love that through all my heartaches and trials and tribulations, I have never let my heart turn cold and refused to love or have forgotten how to (which sadly I have known people to do). I love the feeling of love. :)

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This needs some thinking. There are a lot of things I need to work on forgiving myself for. But I think the biggest one is I need to accept and forgive myself for not being perfect. Sounds kinda ridiculous typing that out since no one is perfect. But I tend to want to be the best wife and mom and friend and everything. But I am not. I am not going to be the perfect wife. I am not going to be the perfect mom. I am not going to be the perfect friend. I am not the perfect daughter or sister. I need to work on forgiving that in myself and to just work on being me - the me that I am...imperfections and all. That's a tough one. I hate disappointing others but I think the more I strive to be perfect for everyone else - I only end up disappointing myself.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This will actually be talked about tomorrow in my Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday. But I need to really work on forgiving my grandparents. It's a work in progress. I don't hold any hatred towards them, I just need to work on forgiving them. You can read more about it tomorrow!

Growing So Fast!

2010-08-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today we took our toddler to go see a Preschool. It's a brand new one opening up here in town. It was kind of surreal watching her play with the toys and go down the slide. I loved watching her but I also felt a sense of sadness. My baby is growing up!

I know they will grow up and before I know it - they will be my age with kids of their own. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

I'm SO excited for her to enter this new phase of her life but with that comes a sense of loss. I am losing the little girl that needed me for everything and that is now replaced by the "I want to do it all by myself" girl. I am losing the one that liked to cuddle and she is being replaced by the one that doesn't.

BUT I am gaining the girl that is growing up and learning new things and becoming the person she was meant to be. I am gaining the girl that has the whole world in front of her and she's starting to discover it.

It's a bitter/sweet day. If I'm emotional today...I can't imagine how emotional I will be on her first day of preschool...kindergarten or high school.

If You Really Knew Me...

2010-08-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

If you really knew me...you'd know that I hate the fact that I am insecure. I am insecure in a lot of things...looks, weight, intelligence, parenting, being a good wife, cooking, pretty much everything. It's not a fun place to be and it's something I need to spend time working on. A lot of time working on. It's a constant work in progress for me.

A lot of people have told me they had no clue I possess this negative self-image of myself. Some know that I am shy and some know that I am not happy with how I look right now, but a lot of people don't know the real feelings behind my smile. Nor do people know that sometimes, my smile is fake. But...you gotta fake it 'til you make it some days and that's what I do.

So...there you go...the first truth to all of you in this challenge. I encourage you to play along! You can find the list of truths right after this post.

If You Really Knew Me...

2010-08-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

So I saw this challenge on another blog I started following and it seemed really interesting. I encourage all of you to play along as well!

Here is the list of truths to write about:

30 Days of Truth:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Not sure how hard or easy it will be but I think it will be a good exercise! :) Please join in!

Dear Mommy and Daddy...

2010-08-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Mommy and Daddy...

I don't feel so well. I have a cold and the snot keeps dripping. I "spit up" like sissy does and it scared me some. You told me it's called "vomit" but all I know is I don't like it and I hope I am back to feeling better soon.

Mommy, I know you have a lot of things to do so thank you for getting up with me about 400 times last night. It made me feel better knowing you cared, even if you were absolutely exhausted. Thank you for holding my hand as I leaned my head over the potty. Thank you for rubbing my head and scratching my back to help me fall back asleep. Thank you for reassuring me that everything will be okay.

Daddy, I know you also have a lot of things to do today. You are my hero daddy. I'm sorry I puked all over you last night. Thank you for not making me feel bad about it and for helping me out by cleaning me up and showing me where the "spit up"...err..."vomit" goes. Daddy, I love you so much and I'm so glad you make me feel safe and secure and work hard for us.

I woke up feeling better this morning, full of energy, but didn't feel like eating. I hope I am getting better. Sissy seems better, hers only lasted about a day and a half. That means it isn't too much longer for me!

By the way Mommy...I know you had a different letter planned for the Writer's Workshop but I think this one is more fitting just because you didn't get any sleep last night! Hope your readers understand!

Love,

Munchkin

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

2010-08-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

I think the one thing I always question is myself. Am I good enough? I guess that can be from childhood issues or what have you - but I seriously question these kinds of things.

The one I struggle with the most is if I am a good enough mom. Do I give my kids what they need? Not in material things but in emotional things. I can't be two places at once, although I try. Today was especially difficult. I have a sick baby and a toddler who needs my attention. (By the way - I am writing this Tuesday night as I am about to have my own personal meltdown from today's events). The baby just cried her heart out all.day.long. The toddler was really good and understanding as toddler's can be. The TV helped me out A LOT today. More than I would ever admit. But what can I do when the baby would just cry and cry and scream if I laid her down, and god forbid, laid her down and left the room. I understand she has a plethora of snot and a small fever but even I need a break sometimes.

My toddler had tantrums today. I know it was just because she needed me and I couldn't be there like she needed me. I am sad. I feel like I failed her. I feel like if Super Nanny were here she'd be yelling at me and telling me everything I did was completely wrong and damaging. What's worse? My toddler said she hated me the other day. She said it in her room but the monitor was on. She said "I hate mommy". My heart still breaks just thinking about that. I know she was mad because she didn't want to go to bed and I doubt she meant it and I KNOW that won't be the last time she says it. But at 3? Seriously? How does she know what that means?

I miss her. I miss just her and I. I don't get her and I time that much anymore. It's something I need to do my best to do. Leave the house with just her and I. But, she's SUCH a daddy's girl, I'm not too sure how well she'd welcome that idea. When he comes home from shift, I am chopped liver. I guess I just need to do it and see. After all, I am the adult here, aren't I? No really...am I? Today I feel like a lost soul. Not an adult. Not a child. Just lost.

Tomorrow is another day and I know these feelings won't be so intense. It's just been a difficult day. But I will still question if I am raising my kids well enough. I will still wonder if they will end up in therapy because of me. I watch that show Intervention and I fear my kids will be one of those people because of something I have done. Irrational? Probably. But I wonder these things. And hey...it's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday - so I'm allowed to wonder these things today!

Here's to a MUCH better tomorrow!

Now go and tell me what has been on YOUR mind by participating in:

Stick It Where The Sun Don't Shine!

2010-08-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today's 36 year old tantrum brought to you by:

The Pressure! The Pressure!

2010-08-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

So I about panicked when I read my email from MamaKat this morning and saw that she picked one of MY writing prompts for her assignment this week. Not only has this blog been neglected but well...it just needs an overhaul. No sleep and two kids makes it hard to get here but I need to do some blogging so here I go! :)

We've been one busy family! This past weekend was an amazing one! I was so fortunate to meet up with some amazing mommy-friends and share some good quality time with their amazing selves and their precious precious children.

The munchkin had a BLAST with all her friends and is still talking about it!

After the playdate we made or way up to the fair. The hubby was working at the Firefighter Corn Booth and I was blessed to spend some time with our friends and their adorable son. Emily was super tired and looked like she wasn't having any fun but she still is talking about the fair too!

I have so many more pictures from days passed to upload. I'm just exhausted today. I also have maybe a few thought-provoking posts to add as well...when my mind can actually function correctly. So here's hoping for good blogging the next few days!

Also...be sure to keep checking MamaKat's blog to see when she posts her writing prompts. I highly recommend trying the first prompt once they are posted! :)

If You're a Slacker And You Know...Clap Your Hands!

2010-07-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

CLAP CLAP! I'm a slacker. I don't blog like I once did. At one point I blogged every single day. I also hosted Thankful Tuesday - and spent time updating friends/family on life. Well, now life and kids have gotten in the way lately. I guess that's what happens - especially when you add a new baby to the mix. This stay-at-home-mom stuff is tough - especially with two! I LOVE it - but it occupies more time than it once did!

At any rate...we have been a busy family!

My brother and his family were in town which is always so wonderful! We were able to go to Marine World, have a sleep over and swim. We were also able to go out to breakfast and crawdad fishing on their last day!

This year we were also able to celebrate fireworks together for the first time. Erik and I have never really been able to relax and watch fireworks in the 7 years we have been together. When I was pregnant with Emily we watched them while he was on shift - until he got a call and I was there watching without him. Every year he has to work the 4th - either mandatory OT or he's just been on shift that day. This year we found out the Country Club has fireworks on the 3rd so we BBQ'd and headed up there for the show! It was SUCH a nice day!

This was the only picture we took on the 3rd! I can't believe it!

On the 4th we watched the parade at a friend's house. It was nice to be able to have a perfect SHADED view - especially since it was super hot that day! Emily played with some friends before it started and we all hung out. It was a perfect morning!

That night, Erik went off to work and the girls and I, along with Erik's parents, headed over to Marine World to watch the fireworks. The fireworks were AWESOME and we had the BEST view! Honestly, I've never seen better fireworks! Emily had her earmuffs on to drown out the loud "bang" and she had a BLAST! (Even if it did take us 2.5 hours to drive 5 minutes home (accident at the front gate which closed the exits down)).

In other news...Allison now has four teeth and is clapping her hands! As of this morning she appears to be trying to crawl although has no idea what she's doing. It's just the absolute beginning of her trying to move - and it's hilarious to watch!

Emily is just growing growing growing. She is a super funny kid and is just so amazing! She's been doing GREAT being potty trained and I couldn't be more proud!

Could it be??

2010-07-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

Could it possibly be that the baby has outgrown her MSPI? I had cheese yesterday for lunch - no reaction. In fact - she hasn't had any reaction with cheese at all. She also hasn't had a reaction with the milk that has been in a few things I have eaten - nor has she had a reaction with real butter! YAY!

But for dinner - I had chicken cordon bleu. It involved whipping cream. No reaction yet...

PRAYING she's over it...and praying she doesn't have a reaction! Just need to wait it out a few more days. IF there is no reaction - I am going to guess she's over the MSPI! With Emily - I could have never added that stuff in. In fact, she was over it at about 13 months. Allison's case was a lot more mild so hopefully at 7 months she's done!

I'm getting so much closer to eating normally and having a healthy baby!!! It's exciting! :)

Get 'R Done!

2010-07-09T08:27:00.001-07:00

I've been unmotivated long enough to get the things on my to-do list done. So now...today...I am back at it.

Here is my summer to-do list:

1. Get my ass back to the gym or just work out more to lose this baby weight!
2. Eat healthier
3. Start cooking a lot more and eating HOME COOKED meals
4. Make an effort to spend more time with hubby - no matter how exhausted I am
5. Take the kids to the park and/or outdoors more when DH isn't here
6. Go through my work pile and organize it
7. Make a bigger effort to do the home physical therapy program with my youngest and get her out of PT finally
8. Spend one-on-one time with my oldest
9. Take advantage of ME time
10. Help hubby plan out how to landscape the front and back of the house
11. Send out pictures to family that I've been meaning to do
12. Go through the kids clothes and store away/get rid of the ones that no longer fit
13. Go through my closet and get rid of clothes I will not wear (hello - time to put the maternity clothes away).

I am sure there are A LOT more things I need to get done and I am sure this list will grow but it's a start for now!

What is on YOUR to-do list for the summer???

I am a Forgetful Mother...

2010-07-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sad to title my post that I am a forgetful mother. But I am. I was just reading up on a friend's blog and realized that there are things I forget. Not in the literal sense of "oh I forgot to bring the sippy cup" (although I have been known to do that) - but things I forget in reference to my children.

I sometimes forget my oldest child isn't even three yet. There are moments of frustration and disappointment that I experience. There are moments of anger I feel. There are moments of thinking "why don't you understand what I am saying". It's because I forget. I forget she's only two. I forget that sometimes she will pee or poop in her pants because she is only two and just learned to go in the potty. I forget sometimes that she will not listen and only do what SHE wants to do - because she's only two. I forget that she may not want to do something I was enjoying doing with her and will quickly move onto something else...because she's only two. She isn't doing anything wrong - she is just being her two year old self. I forget sometimes.

I also forget that it's important for me to build her up...all the time. During my moments of frustration, I forget. I shouldn't be so quick to get frustrated with her but to take a deep breath and let her have her temper tantrum and when it's over to talk with her and cuddle with her (if she allows it - she isn't always big on cuddling) and remind her of how amazing she is. She is now sharing her mommy with another sibling and I need to remember how that may make her feel at times. I need to remind her she is the most beautiful person and she lights up every room she walks into. I need to remind her she is amazing for being the person she is and there isn't anything she can't do.

But I forget to do these things sometimes. I feel crappy that I forget. So I need to work on this. She IS amazing. She IS beautiful. She DOES light up every single room she walks into. She makes the room sparkle! My life is even more beautiful because she was born and I couldn't be more honored to be HER mommy. To be the mommy to BOTH of my girls is such an honor. One I am truly blessed to have.

Speaking of Cheese...

2010-07-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

I had some yesterday. It was pretty much one of the best experiences of my life. Okay, not really. But it was pretty damn good. Going without milk or soy for over 7 months is rough on this dairyaholic.

Now we wait to see if the little one has a reaction.

Everything is crossed hoping and praying she won't! (Gut reaction tells me she's doing pretty good with the MSPI stuff and is HOPEFULLY over it!)

Cheese!!!

2010-06-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

I decided to join in on Mama Kat's assignment LAST week...however that has become an epic FAIL! I was battling a headache, battling the 3rd and 4th of July and just spending time with those I love (so okay - that's not a fail). And...well...I've just been lazy. But since the post is still staring at me - I'll finish it!

The assignment is to list 10 things that can make me smile when I am not happy. Easy peasy. By the way - these are in NO particular order!

Yup! My little girl is potty trained...for the most part! Pull ups for nap and night time but this morning she woke up mostly dry and at nap she was completely dry! Still having problems with getting poop in the potty - but I am ONE PROUD MOMMA!

This picture really does NO justice to this sunset! It was by far the reddest sunset I have ever seen. This is the view I am blessed with each night (this picture was taken kind of late). I absolutely love the sunsets each night!

Cute sleeping baby!

The munchkin having fun getting dirty!

The love of my life

Enough said.

Hiking at my favorite place - Big Basin in Santa Cruz, CA

ESPECIALLY this morning!

Sunset and the ocean together! :)

Again...enough said.

Farting and Snorting when Laughing

2010-06-20T16:42:00.001-07:00

Today is Father's Day. I can say I am truly blessed to have wonderful men in my life. My dad, my step-dad and my father-in-law are great men who, despite adversities in their lives - have stepped up to the plate and have loved me for who I am, and more importantly, who I am not. I am truly truly truly grateful for them. I could NEVER express my love for them in words - but it's felt...deeply.

I'm also blessed to have picked the RIGHT husband to father my children. My husband is THE most dedicated father. He LOVES those little girls more than anything. The best part? It shows. Everyone sees it. Most importantly, the girls not only see it, but feel it too!

I love the way he parents our children. His patience is WAY better than mine. He is the most silliest dad and can always make them laugh. He wrestles and tickles and makes them fart and snort when laughing. The way that both of the girls light up when they see him is heartwarming.

It's a blessing to have children with this man. I am blessed. I am happy. I wouldn't want it any other way!

Here are some pics I took of the girls for Father's Day...

As it was pointed out to me on facebook, her bangs look super crooked. They aren't. Trust me. They are just the product of a 2 year old smashing her head in the ground like her sister, running her hands through her hair, rolling around, and having cowlicks...all while trying to take pictures!

Growing Up...

2010-06-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Allison had her six month well-baby appointment yesterday. She is growing so well! I have been worried about it because I was not able to breastfeed Emily due to severe MSPI and have been successful with Allison for six months thus far. Honestly - it feels GREAT to say that! BUT...it's a whole new experience to breastfeed this long so I never know how she is doing. Emily was a chunkster because she was on formula and Allison isn't as chunky as Emily was. BUT she's doing good with her growth - even with MSPI!

She is now 16.1 pounds and 26 inches long! She is in the 50th percentile for weight and dropped from the 90th percentile for height to the 75th. Doctor said she looks great! :)

I took this picture yesterday while she was napping in our bed. She looks so peaceful...so beautiful...so comfortable!

Guilt...

2010-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

It seems like things have been moving in warp-speed yet in slow motion all at once.

The baby is already SIX months old! She turned 6 months on the 7th. How did that even happen? Wasn't she just born a month ago? That's what it seems like...at least to me. It's funny, the older you get...the faster time moves.

The munchkin is still not potty trained. It's been a source of frustration but we are working on it. There are two things kids have 100% control over...what goes into their body and what comes out. I have this weird feeling she will be 12, in diapers. I mean, thank goodness for adult diapers I suppose. She will get it...won't she? Or rather...she will WANT to get it...right?

I must admit that lately I've been feeling like a crappy parent. I am exhausted. For whatever reason Emily has been waking up throughout the night - almost every single damn night. It's not just once...but usually no less than five times (and saying 5 times is low). So I am up with her every half hour and then feeding Allison. Once I am done feeding Allison I can fall asleep only to be woken up for the day an hour later. I've been averaging about two hours of sleep a night. That's enough to make anyone crazy. How I make it through the day is beyond me...but I do. I've rediscovered caffeine.

I haven't been actively playing with the toddler as much as usual because I am just SO tired. Today was a day running on 1.5 hours of sleep so she watched more tv than I usually allow her to. Also, the baby was screaming her head off today for a good portion of it. Those damn teeth. They are so mean. I wish they'd pop through already so she could feel better. Poor thing. Excess tv, crying baby, whining toddler...but I just want to sleep and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel selfish. I feel guilty I am not being a better mother today but it's taking everything in me to even keep my eyes open, to even stand up.

I feel guilty I am not as available for the toddler as I use to be because I have to tend to the baby. I feel guilty the baby doesn't get as much time because I have to tend to the toddler. I feel guilty that it's difficult for me to go out in public with a toddler and a baby all by myself. I do it though. I strap the baby on and throw the toddler in the cart but that is usually a struggle with either the baby not wanting to be worn or the toddler just being 2 and acting it. I feel guilty I haven't figured out the simple solution...the easy solution....the comfortable one. I feel like all eyes are on me as I walk through the store with crying kids. I am *that* mom that I feared. The one with the screaming kid (and believe me - it's not every time - but when it DOES happen I feel full of anxiety). I never *got* it before having my own kids. I always wondered why the parent couldn't control their kid and I vowed to NEVER have *that* kid in public. Now I know better. I can just laugh and shake my head and remind myself she's two (or a baby if it's the baby) and at times I've been known to say that out loud to the gawkers.

I feel guilty I don't spend as much time with the husband lately. By the time the kids are in bed - we can have us time. Sadly, with 2 hours of sleep...I'd rather have time with my pillow. NOT saying I don't love my husband and miss him something fierce...because I do. I really really really do. We need to reconnect so badly. I yearn for the nights to just sit - glass of wine - talk - laugh - relax. I yearn for the backyard fire pit and just talking and reconnecting. But I just NEED to sleep so we can ALL be happy. The rare occasion that I DO stay up - it's a horrible night with kids that are awake or him snoring. It's inevitable...stay up late - don't sleep - miserable the next day. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Even if I shook the husband awake to deal with the toddler - or to turn over - I'd still be woken up. I'm a light sleeper so I'm just going to wake up.

The husband usually encourages me to take a nap - so I try. I really really try. But I can't sleep. I think it's because I am just OVER tired. That...or because as I said...I'm a really light sleeper.

Two kids is tough. I didn't think it would be. I envisioned the happy go lucky family with giggles and tantrums that just roll off your back. I envisioned the toddler loving all things little sister and all of us happy all the time (or most of it). I envisioned just like the movies - and I know better - but I did picture it to be that way. And it will be easier the older the baby gets - but it's hard for me with the husband gone at work lately. But I'll hurdle it - I always do. :)

And I am sure I don't NEED to say this because those that know me - know this...but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't. No matter how much I vent or complain. No matter how much I whine or bitch. I LOVE those little boogers (and they are sick right now so there are lots of boogers) more than anything on this planet. I also love that big booger known as my husband. It's just hard sometimes. I worry. I worry I am screwing the kids up. I worry I will be their cause for therapy. This mom stuff...hardest job I have ever had!

Am I the only mom that has ever felt this way? Because most days - I think I am.

But come on...with all the feelings of guilt and all the thoughts of "am I royally screwing up their lives" - nothing compares to the love for these two...NOTHING:

And by the way (I know you aren't suppose to start sentences with "And" - but I do because it's my blog and I can!) - I'm sorry for the downer post. Just being real with how I have been feeling lately. I know it won't always be like this! I started this post yesterday and since I actually SLEPT last night - I am MUCH happier today! We ALL are! Happy toddler - happy baby - happy mommy! :) YAY!

I promise to bring you happier posts in the near future! :)

Happiness

2010-05-23T17:05:00.001-07:00

She didn't perform - too scared. But I was still super proud!

happy feet!

cuddled up with a sleeping baby!

The innocence of a Merry-Go-Round

Ice Cream!

Deep Breath...Deep Breath...

2010-05-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

The toddler is about to have her very first dance recital here in an hour and a half. I am a nervous wreck for her! I'm blogging to help me to calm down! LOL!

I think if we hadn't had such a HORRIBLE dress rehearsal - she would be okay. But...it went badly. Very badly. So badly I still get teary thinking about it.

We were told no parents allowed in for dress rehearsal and were told it would be about 15 minutes. Okay. Fine. I HATED watching her walk in with a stranger but I figured it would just be her class and then they'd be done and the next class would go.

About 10 minutes into it - a lady walked out in a hurry and told me she needed me. I walked in to a crowd of over 100 people finding my daughter in some lady's arms bawling her eyes out. She was absolutely hysterical! I don't blame her. A two year old - all alone - not knowing anyone - in a crowd of over 100 - with some lady she didn't know holding her. I'd be hysterical too.

She was SO SO SO upset - I had never witnessed her that scared in her short 2.5 years on this planet. That night she even wanted me to sleep in her room with her - so I did. She is still nervous about it so I can't imagine tonight being smooth - but I'm hopeful.

She's my little rockstar and even if she doesn't get up on stage - I will be the proudest momma there!

Is It Me??

2010-04-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

There are a few times of day I despise in this household. If the husband is at home I don't dislike them that much, but when he's at work...I hate them. Yes, I can use the word hate because that's how much I don't like them.

The first is getting out the door in the morning for our walk - or for anything really. It goes something like this:

Baby wakes up crying. Needs fed. Toddler wakes up. Needs fed. Doesn't understand why she must wait and a breakdown ensues. Baby finishes eating, poops, change diaper. Then it's time to change the toddler out of her night-time diaper and into another one. Toddler is still pissed - especially since I take even MORE time away from her breakfast to get her dressed and do her hair - making sure to remind her NOT to take off her shoes 23908409248 times in hopes she listens. Doing all this may or may not result in a time out due to her hitting because she's pissy because she's hungry and grumpy. Finally feed her and all is happy in toddler world.

Then the baby starts crying again. Get her dressed and the toddler comes in her room to happily announce she took off her shoes. I put them back on. I then place the baby in her crib and I get dressed - praying she won't spit up on me. Baby starts crying because her mobile stopped turning. Can hear the toddler getting into things she shouldn't be and call for her. No toddler shows up. Grab the baby - go to put her in the car seat and low and behold - here comes the spit up. Damnit. Time to change. I change. Put baby in car seat, load up bags, grab toddler's shoes she took off AGAIN and put them on. Grab everyone, get ready to hit the alarm to the house and walk out the door and then the toddler says so sweetly "did you go poo poo?" I sigh, look at her and ask if she did. She says yes. RAR.

Undress toddler, change her diaper, get clothes and shoes back on. Get everything packed up again and get ready to walk out and then hear the baby poop. Are you fricken kidding me? Take her out of the car seat, change the diaper, go to put her back in the car seat and I get spit up on again. Change clothes for me. Then pack everyone back up, put the toddler's shoes back on AGAIN, get out the door...FINALLY. By the way...this is without me showering (I usually shower after my walk). I am now frustrated and pissy and REALLY needing my walk.

The second time of day I hate is bedtime. The toddler's bedtime coincides with the baby's witching hour. I have now been bathing the toddler early to ease some of the tension that happens. But it's inevitable. When I am alone...it's gonna happen. 7:00 - the baby starts fussing. The toddler is eating dinner and I am trying to calm the baby and tend to the toddler who is now mimicking the baby and wanting attention too. Toddler is done eating - have to put the baby down who is now even more pissed and screaming even louder. I clean the toddler up - get her out of the high chair and run back to the baby who is beyond pissed. Cuddle the baby for a bit - realize it's now getting even closer to the time the toddler has to be in bed. Toddler isn't cleaning up toys or listening - but is acting out because the baby is screaming and I am holding her. Finally have to talk sternly to the toddler to clean up her toys - giving her a choice of me cleaning them up (which means they all go away) or her doing it. She gets it done and now it's time to change into pjs, brush teeth, call daddy, read a book and get into bed. To do this, the baby has to be alone. I put her in her crib with the mobile. She is quiet for all of 30 seconds as the mobile goes around - then she starts screaming. Leave the toddler - start the mobile back up. Repeat about 3 times. Now baby just continues to scream and scream - is mad at the mobile - is mad at mommy - is mad at the world. Toddler isn't listening - wants to play and do everything to get out of going to bed. Finally I am able to get her into bed (with threats of time out if she gets out of bed) - go into the baby's room who is now about to die because she's screaming SO loudly with a billion tears streaming down her face. It's heartbreaking. The toddler can semi-understand to wait - the baby can't. Get her in her pjs, change diaper and feed and then put into crib and shut the door. Come out to the couch...just about in tears...sit down and exhale for the first time the entire day.

Listening to the baby cry for almost an hour is enough to drive anyone crazy. I feel I can't skip out on the toddler every night just because the baby is crying. It's not fair to her. She needs mommy time because our time has become super limited since the baby joined our family. It breaks my heart the toddler suffers because of the baby. It breaks my heart the baby has to scream her pretty little head off in need of mommy time as I am tending to the toddler. I just CAN'T be two places at once and it sucks. Really sucks.

Seriously...how do moms do this without going crazy? The toddler is 2.5 and the baby is just shy of 5 months. There are moms that have four kids that can do this without so much of a breakdown. Are their kids further in age? Do the older siblings help the younger ones? Is it just two that makes it more difficult and if we had three it wouldn't be as hard? I feel like I am failing. What am I doing wrong here?

I know it won't be this hard forever - but when you are in the middle of it - it sure feels like this is how life is going to be for a very long time. Sigh.

Get Over It...

2010-04-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

So I haven't blogged in a while - on purpose. You want to know why? Every time I come to my page to put up a new blog - I realize my "dream" blog will disappear. I like looking at those pictures and daydreaming. Sigh. But all good things must come to an end and my dream of kid-free-relaxing-not-a-care-in-the-world-days are over. For now. I need to get over it.

A lot has been going on lately. Some good. Most good. But also some hard times as well. I've been going through a lot lately and am working to get through it. This mom stuff isn't easy. In fact, it's the hardest job I've ever had. Seriously. A lot of times it is just me, no husband because he has to make the money, so it's just me and two kids. My conversations are usually "did you go poo poo?" and "do that again and it's time out". Don't get me wrong - I love being a stay at home mom (damn that's still hard to admit), but sometimes I long for adult conversation.

Anywho...I've been trying to keep busy. Busier than I have been...which actually does not sound sane. I've taken up walking in the morning. It's nice. Peaceful (even with two kids). It's also good for me.

We've also done a bit lately. We've gone to Marine World (yes I know it's called Discovery Kingdom - but it will always be "Marine World" to me). We bought season passes since the place is literally 2 minutes from our house. Emily LOVES it. Allison could care less!

Love this first picture of Emily and her friend looking at each other!

We also spent a day in the snow. All the resorts are closed and the season is pretty much over - but there is still a lot of snow! We found a Sno-Park and were the only ones there! Emily and her friend had a BLAST! Allison, again, could care less.

This one is of the girls flipping over - I love this one!
When all else fails...slide down on your tummy!

And amongst all our outings - our toddler also transitioned into big-girldom. She now has her very own big girl's bed! It's been pretty easy for the most part. She's gotten up in the middle of the night quite a few times but she loves it!

On the baby front...Allison is doing well! She just had her 4 month check up (although she's almost 5 months). She is at the 50th percentile for weight and 90th percentile for height! The kid is 26 inches tall! She's cutting her first tooth which is sloooowwwwllllyyy coming in. You can see it - but it's just not all the way through yet. Hopefully the little bugger will pop through and she will be a little happier. Don't get me wrong - she is a GREAT baby - but there are more and more moments lately where she's fussy over that darn thing!

So that's the latest update for all you family members and friends who have been bugging me to add pictures and update on the girls!

Well - I'm off to relax for now. Both kids are sleeping for the moment and I'm going to *try* and take advantage of it. Hope I didn't just jinx myself!

I Have A Dream...

2010-04-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have a dream and it goes something like this:

An Angel Amoung Us...

2010-04-13T19:44:00.001-07:00

I rarely promote other people's blog unless I think it's for a good cause. I guess I'm selfish. Who knows. But I just don't do it.

BUT...over at Perfect Pen - there is a vlog for you all to see. Kim's Angel's is a new organization created in order to raise money for cancer victims, families with children who suffer from life threatening diseases and families in need.

The owner of the blog has started an AMAZING organization in honor of her mother who passed away from lung cancer. How freakin' awesome is that? It's truly inspiring that this young blogger has decided to dedicate her time and energy to helping others. I am personally touched because I have known so many people that have died from cancer - both family members and friends. Personally, I think cancer can kiss my ass!

But now...it's time for all of us to make a difference! Sure, all of us think about it and at some point in our life as we stand in line at the grocery store. Some of us will donate to causes, walk a marathon, or whatever...but she started up an entire organization just to help those in need. I am truly inspired!

They offer special events throughout the year - from head shaving events to walks to bake sales and all that money is given to the appropriate charity or people that need it. I honestly can say that although I DO give to charity - I don't have the balls to actually start my own organization to do this. It's amazing how such a young person could think so selflessly. It's rare to find that quality in people these days.

So I encourage all of you...every single one of you...to take seven minutes (that's how long her vlog is) and watch her blog, learn about her charity and take the time to really contribute - how little or how big that you can!

You can find all the info by clicking on this link right here. Do something for someone else...it's worth it!

I need some blojo

2010-04-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

Blogjo. Don't be dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter. I just need some mojo for my blog...so I guess we can call it blojo? I used to blog all the time and now...not so much. Perhaps the newest addition to our family has something to do with it...perhaps it's kind of lost it's appeal...who knows. I just need some blojo to help me get back on the blog track. (well come to think of it...I need some 'jo' for lots of things I need to get back on track with...dojo (for my diet), exjo (for exercising), slojo (sleep), relojo (relaxing)...okay I'll stop.)

Easter came and went. It was a great time! One of the better holidays we have had here. We always have great holidays at our house with family and friends - but this one was so nice.

The day before Easter we made our way down to the community park for the annual Easter Egg hunt. There were a billion people there. Literally. I counted. They did the egg hunt in groups by age. Emily's group had 1500 eggs to find. They weren't hard to find as they just throw them out. Out of the 1500...our sweetheart got 5. BUT...SHE got 5. We didn't get her 5. The other kids had TONS of eggs in their baskets in which their parents got for them. I was proud of her 5 little eggs and she was too! Erik and Emily even made the newspaper - just a picture of them during the hunt. It's adorable!

This is her after the hunt...

Easter morning was great. Emily woke up to find her Easter basket filled with a bunch of stuff. She was excited - but not as excited as she was to actually see the eggs the Easter Bunny left in the backyard. :) She LOVED finding them. I didn't get "pictures" - just video. However, our video camera will take a picture if someone smiles so it did capture this one:

After all the excitement of the egg hunt - it was time to get dressed...for mommy. Yes, I am all about the dresses, the cuteness and the pictures. My husband could care less and so could the kids - but I LOVE it and just had to have my fix. I don't ask for much - it's just important to me to dress up and get pictures at holidays and such.

After our delicious-to-die-for brunch...Emily wanted to have a tea party. Grandma Shell was so excited that she brought stuff just for the tea party. She brought hats and cookies and apple juice. Emily never had a better tea party in her life!

{sorry it's dark - again...video camera snapshot}

Everyone ended up getting in on the tea party. I wore a tiara but there are no pics of me...darn it! (That is a sarcastic darnit by the way)

Grandma Shell...

Grandma Alma...

And my absolute favorite picture...my dad (and if you know my dad - this isn't his cup of tea! HA! Okay...pun intended)

Great day! Great Fun! Lots of love, laughter and memories! And most importantly...champagne! :)

To Hell And Back

2010-03-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough week! A rough two weeks actually. It all started with Allison getting sick which ended up being RSV. The RSV then turned into pneumonia.

Emily was sick with an ear infection and really bad cold. The doctor said it may be pneumonia as well but didn't do the chest x-ray because she would be on antibiotics for the ear infection that would kill the pneumonia if she had it.

I was sick with a bad cold which turned into a sinus infection and I am thinking bronchitis as well.

Erik was sick - but wasn't home to share in all our misery so that is good.

It's been rough - especially being the only parent taking care of two very sick kids while I am sick too!

BUT...sunnier days are ahead (well not really - we are expecting rain here) because we are all pretty much better. Today I cleaned the house to rid this house of all the germs and I am excited we can now go out and about for something other than going to the doctor. It's sad when they know you at the valet parking at the hospital and at the pediatric check in. It's also sad when I see the pediatrician more than my own husband!

Looking forward to Easter and to spending time with family this next week!

Green Sickies...

2010-03-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! I don't know why I love this day so much! I am not Irish. I do however love the color green!

All three of us cootie infested females went to lunch today with my dear friend Trina (who is also sick) and had a nice time! I was mighty glad to get out of the house! However...we are all back home. Thinking everyone was doing better has proven me wrong as I was greeted with fevers and puke a bit after we got back. Sigh.

At any rate...

Happy St. Patty's Day everyone!

And...since you can't see Allison...here is her "why do you have me dressed like this and why are you taking my picture when I am sick" photo!

No More Cooties!

2010-03-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Whomever sent the cooties over to attack my daughter...you are on my ~~shit~~ list. Poor sweet baby has had this cold for the past 5 days now complete with vomit, snot (and LOTS of it), a cough that has turned worse, fever (that's gone now), and snot. Oh - did I mention...snot?

She went to the doctor today and was tested for RSV. We should have the results tomorrow. RSV is pretty serious in infants her age so I am hoping it comes back negative.

Despite being pukey and snotty and having this horrible cough - she is still smiling and "talking" a lot. Lord knows that when I am sick I don't think I crack a smile at all until it's gone.

Speaking of gone...hubby is. He's been gone since Saturday and won't be back until next week. Of all weeks to be gone - it's when someone in the house is sick.

Oh...speaking of sick...I am about to be. Yes - that nagging-you-are-about-to-get-sick-and-no-amount-of-Emergen-C-Echinecea-Prenatals-handwashing-and-everything-else-you-want-to-do-is-going-to-work is creeping up on me. Again...while hubby is gone.

The munchkin is doing good - minus some diarrhea (it's not really TMI - so don't crinkle your nose - everyone has it from time to time) yesterday which is cleared up now.

And if you haven't had enough crinkling of your nose and thinking I am providing too much information...here is a picture of the baby. Covered in puke. Believe it or not - I had a huge burp rag covering her when she did this...three times...in a row.
The lighting is poor because when she feeds at her ungodly hour - only a small light is turned on in the room.

So that's what I have been up to lately...and with the way I feel...what I will be up to the next week or more.

This is my new sign I am promoting:

All Good Things Must Come to an End

2010-03-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

Day 15
todays challenge: This one is more for me than anything, so you're welcome to take it or leave it. But, the challenge today is to stay off the internet all day long. I'm committing to 12 hours. But, of course you do what's right for you. Remember it's your own personal challenge, these are merely suggestions.

Not too difficult. I managed to stay away from the dang thing almost all day! I find it easy to do this with two small children that need me all.the.friggen.time. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing?

Day 16
todays challenge: Last week! Okay, todays challenge is a good one. I want you to memorize a quote or scripture that brings you peace. Don't know one? Google some! And when you find just the one, write it down on an index card and carry it around with you all day. Hopefully by the end of the day, not only will you have it in your head...but most importantly, it will permanently be in your heart.

That is my motto that I must remember. When I am stressed - I carry that outwardly and everyone else around me feels it too - only causing the situation to be more stressful. Vicious cycle. Not fun. Trying to work on it. Meh.

Day 17
todays challenge: Write a goodbye letter to someone or something that needs to go from your life. It's not necessarily a letter to be shared or sent, but written only to release your heart from the pain and hold it has on you. Maybe even find a symbolic way to destroy the letter after it's been written. Find a way to let it go.

Honestly, I haven't done this yet. I am going to do it today.

Day 18
todays challenge: Try something new. It can be ANYTHING. Just mix it up today, go wild and crazy.

Sadly...the only "wild and crazy" thing I did was take our youngest daughter to physical therapy for her torticollis. I learned all the "wild and crazy" things we have to do with her around the clock - 24 hours a day. Somehow I don't think this is the "wild and crazy" referred to in this challenge.

Day 19
todays challenge: Ask someone who is really close to you, that loves you a whole bunch, what one of your weaknesses are. {Ask them to to tell you in a LOVING & GENTLE way} Take that information and pray over it...and ask God to show you how to work on it. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, ask someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Because they will just be mean. And that's not the point. We're trying to GROW here.

I already knew the answer but was told:

Day 20
todays challenge: Can you believe it's almost the last day? Here's what I want you to do today....Make a list of all the things you loved about this challenge. Make another list of all the things you HATED. And then ponder why...You'll understand why tomorrow.

Done.

Day 21!!!
Your final challenge....write out what you learned, good and bad. Most importantly, take note of what will be taken with you as you walk away from these three weeks.

So what I learned is that I don't necessarily need Peanut Butter Oreos to get through the day. I am a lot healthier without them and amazingly...the scale moves a lot more without them too! :)

I learned that I need to spend more time with my 2 1/2 year old. It's hard when I am alone with her without help from the husband, but I need to try and do it more than I have been.

I learned to stop and count my blessings each day. When I am overwhelmed I need to remember I am truly blessed. There are others that have it worse than I do and I need to stop bitchin', take a look around and realize I am truly truly blessed.

I learned I REALLY need to work on my negative self talk. It has been a HUGE part of me my entire life (or at least as far back as I can remember). I NEVER EVER want my daughters to feel that way about themselves and I need to work my ass off getting to a point where I knock that crap off. THAT will be a huge hill for me to climb. It also was the toughest part of this assignment.

I learned to stop and just have FUN. When life is about to piss me off - stop and have fun. It is definitely therapy for an aching soul.

I learned going out of my comfort zone and doing things I don't normally do can sometimes bring about great rewards. I strengthened friendships by doing this and boosted my self esteem!

I learned I am not perfect. I never will be. I cannot be there for everyone every second of the day. Sometimes it IS all about me. Most of the time it isn't. But I am who I am. I am not superwoman and I am okay with that.

Now whether this challenge brought about 3 difficult weeks - or just life did - I don't know. It's funny how this challenge happened during some pretty rough times for me. But I am stronger for it. I am thinking more about myself because of it (and no, not in a selfish way - in a healthy way). Life is an ongoing challenge - it always will be. But I am happy. I am truly happy.

Catching Up

2010-03-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

Still doing The Challenge. Haven't done so good with some things but have done good with others!

So I left off on Day 10 and it's time to pick it back up.

Day 11: today's challenge: Are you ready for this? NO COMPUTER IN THE MORNING HOURS! I know, I know. {unless of course you are at work...} But only for work purposes. Get off the dang computer and DO SOMETHING. Hey, it could be worse. It could be 21 days!

This was easy. The morning hours were occupied by taking a trip out to San Francisco with the family to the Academy of Sciences. :) YAY for this task falling on a day that literally took me away from the house! :)

Day 12: today's challenge: We all make mistakes. We all need another chance. Today you get that opportunity in regards to these challenges.
It's Do Over Day. Pick one of the previous challenges that maybe you weren't ever so successful at....And try for it again. Practice makes perfect.

Those Peanut Butter Oreos derive from Satan. They are pure evil. They are so hard to stay away from and I caved. On Day 11. YAY for Day 12 coming along and reminding me I can have a do-over! YAY! :)

Day 13: todays challenge: Ahhhh, Friday. Time to unwind and relax. I am ordering you to do just that today. Your challenge is to find a way to relax and DO IT!

Seriously...this is almost getting too easy! I had things I had to do in the morning (like take the baby to the doctor). But I did relax after that because I had no choice. I have a nice case of mastitis - AGAIN - and with a 102 fever - I had no choice BUT to relax! So relax is what I did - in the afternoon and evening! :)

Day 14: todays challenge: Today might be a real challenge for you, because it's uncomfortable. I want you to do something that you wouldn't normally do alone. Go for a walk without your ipod. Go see a movie. Get some lunch at a coffee shop and bring a book. I think it's important to be comfortable being out and about with just ourselves. So give it a shot, see what happens.

Again...easy. Hubby got mandatoried overtime today. I was going to lay around the house with my fever and sore boob and just watch 2 kids. Some moms I know and their kids were all meeting up and I wasn't going to go. For one, I feel like crap. Boob infections aren't fun. In fact they downright suck - this time especially. Plus it's SO hard with me to take BOTH kids out by myself sometimes - especially when feeling like crap. I usually have Erik or my mom or Sister-in-Law or someone to help because it's hard to nurse with Emily not understanding that for 20+ minutes she has to stick right next to me and behave. A toddler sitting still for 20+ minutes doesn't work.

The other issue - it's uncomfortable to meet people I haven't met before. Well...okay. I have sorta met these moms before - but sorta not. They were my online mommy friends. For 2+ years we have been friends online and today those of us that live relatively close all met up. It was AWESOME! I had SUCH a great time! Emily did too! Allison slept but I guess she was happy! Emily came home soaking wet with a huge red smeared heart on her face talking about her new friends. I came home with a lower fever and a huge smile on my face thinking about my "new" friends. It was awesome - it was great - and something I probably would have said no to - even without the boob infection! I am glad I did it!

So now let's see what tomorrow's challenge brings! :)

And Moving On...

2010-03-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

So I am moving on from my not-so-good days I have had and taking each hour as it comes along!

This Challenge has kept me on my toes and more focused on the good things in life and on...well...being a better me. Funny how it has done that.

So I had not accomplished Day 7 ON Day 7. In fact, I don't see that I have really accomplished it yet. It was for me to do something nice for a stranger - and to be creative about it. Well...ummm. I failed. I did manage to wave a man who was on a walk with about 5 kids across the cross walk as we waited (and were in a hurry to get the kid home for her nap). That's nice right? I also managed yesterday to play with a little girl at my daughter's tumbling class whose mom was probably about 6 months pregnant. Is that nice? Hmmm. I still need to work on this one.

Day 8 was to do something fun. Dance in the living room. Have a picnic in the park. Go shopping. Just HAVE FUN!

I DID manage to do that! YAY me! :) We went shopping in the morning to Target. LOVE Target. The kid got new sunglasses...

We also bought a much needed clock for our kitchen and the baby got a new piggy bank!

After Emily's nap, we were able to surprise her with a Barbie Jeep given to us by one of Erik's co-workers. She was petrified of it at first. Lots of tears. BUT...after a bit - she LOVED it.

I wish I could show the video but I can't seem to save it to my computer.

Day 9 says: Let's start getting things DONE! You know that to do list that you've been staring at or thinking of for FOREVER? Today you get to tackle one of those tasks that has just not been attended to for quite some time.
You will feel SUCH a sense of relief when it's finally crossed off the list.

I think I am going to do this after I get done here.

Which leads us to today...Day 10: We're almost half way there!!! And with 11 more days to go, we definitely need to be working on patience. Let today's focus be on just that. Lots of deep breaths. Breathe. Patience.

I have a newborn and a 2.5 year old. Enough said.

Challenge Shmallenge.

2010-02-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

I am anti this 21-day challenge to a new and better me today. I have survived day 4, 5 and 6. I even wrote a long post about day 4. I deleted it.

This was Day 4's challenge:

Often times we can get caught up in negative self talk. Or in being negative period. We tend to speak to ourselves more horribly than we would ever imagine speaking to someone we love. So today, that stops. With every negative thought that comes into your mind, first immediately STOP it...And then, replace that thought with what is TRUE and positive. Even better, get some index cards and write out the negative thought on one side, and the truth on the other. Along with the truth, you could find a bible verse or quote that further encourages you in that area. Notice what a difference you feel about yourself and about life at the end of the day.

I did do this and I am really challenging myself to keep at it. I talk really horrible to myself and I REALLY do not ever want my girls to ever feel about themselves the way I feel about myself at times. I need to learn to be more gentle with myself. I need to realize that I am not always going to be superwoman. I am not always going to have a spotless house. I am not going to be back to my ideal weight tomorrow (I just gave birth for crying out loud!). I am not going to always be the perfect smiling woman I should be. But that's okay. I am human. I have flaws. I am not perfect, and I will never be. It's okay to be who I am and not strive to please everyone else. I just need to learn to be okay with that myself. So I am working on it. It's rough. But I am who I am and I think I am pretty friggen awesome and don't care if no one else appreciates that!

Day 5...

Imagine all the things we could get done if we didn't have social media....for example: Facebook & Twitter. Let's try it out and see just what happens when we take a break for 24 hours. Take notes on what you accomplish in the time not wasted.

FAIL. I did manage not to Facebook or Twitter for about 18 hours - but then I caved. It's rough because at 4am when I am nursing a baby, it has been my company. It has kept me awake.

Day 6...

Sometimes we get so busy that we forget to stop and rest in God's presence. And instead at the end of the day, as we're drifting off to sleep, we give him what's left. If even that. But how much better would things be, if we began AND ended our day with intentional time with Him? Today's your chance. Wake up a few minutes early and spend that time being with Him. And at the end of the day, before you're even a tad bit sleepy, sit aside time to be with Him once again. Make it personal.
Make it intentional. And see how it may just be the sweetest time you've had all day.

The last line of the challenge...how it may just be the sweetest time I have had all day...proved right. I have had a few days of not so good lately. I know at times when I feel so alone...like no one in this entire world cares about me...God is there. HE cares. Sometimes that is all I need to get me through the day. That has definitely been what I needed the past few days.

Day 7...

todays challenge: Today's challenge is simple. Find a way to help a stranger. Be creative!

Today I am actually probably not leaving the house. I am EXHAUSTED. Due to my "not so good" days - I haven't slept much. In fact, I probably slept 4 hours in two days. That's it. So although I had plans to go out today - I am not sure if I will end up going because the lack of sleep has now invaded my entire body and I am burnt. Headache. Clumsiness. Lack of brain power (as probably evidenced by this post!). I am going to rest while the toddler naps (that is if the newborn allows me to) and see how I feel after that. I tend to never be able to sleep when I try to take a nap. If I don't make it out today - I do plan on venturing out and about tomorrow - sleep or not - and I will figure out something to do! :)

This hasn't necessarily been easy - this "challenge". I guess that's why it's called a challenge...but it's been rough the past few days! But...I am sure the days ahead will get easier for me and I will be back to my happy self! :)

(Thanks Summer for the challenge!)

Challenge Day 3

2010-02-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

So for this 21 day challenge...today's challenge is something I actually do quite a bit on this blog. The challenge today says:

Today's focus is on the blessings in your life. My mentor mom keeps a blessings journal, and each day she keeps track and writes down all the blessings of her day.
I think it's such an incredible idea, one that can only bring about joy.
So grab a notebook and keep track of each and every blessing that comes your way.
When you're looking for them, you'll be sure to find them

Believe it or not, I use to do this every day...find at least ONE thing that I was grateful for and was a blessing to me. On tough days...the cereal I had in the morning was the only thing I could find. On great days - I'd have a million things (okay not that many - but I'd have a lot!) Some of you may also remember that I did Thankful Tuesday which I have stopped doing since I was REALLY slow in blogging for a while. Maybe I will pick that back up...

Anyways...getting back on track...

So this morning I was already thinking of some before I even saw today's challenge.

I am so blessed to have my sister-in-law in my life. This morning I was thinking how great it will be to get a date night with my husband for our anniversary. Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow but he's working so we will celebrate on Thursday. Do you know that in almost a year we have not been out together...alone? How insane is that? So I am truly blessed she will be around to do that for us.

I am blessed with a wonderful, adorable, handsome, sexy, funny, dorky, passionate, big hearted, caring, loving, beautiful man as a husband. I am blessed with two amazing daughters that have brought me more joy than I could EVER describe in words...ever. I am blessed with friends who have touched my life in such profound ways...and probably don't even know it!

I am blessed the scale showed a smaller number than it had the previous weigh-in. (I am doing Weight Watchers online and every Tuesday I weigh in).

I am blessed my mom will be available to watch our oldest tomorrow so that I can take Allison to the doctor for an ultrasound on her hips (she was breech and it's standard practice). We aren't allowed to bring other children so I am blessed she is able to do that!

I am blessed with a beautiful home my husband has worked his ass off to provide for us. I am blessed with all the beautiful belongings we have in our home. I am blessed with my family here and my family that has already passed.

I am blessed to just be me. I find myself complaining a lot about lack of sleep or lack of help or two tantrumy kids (can a newborn be tantrumy?) and I need to really focus on the blessings and stop allowing the negative things influence my day. Yeah, I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, had a snoring husband and a baby who didn't sleep through the night like she normally does...but you know what? That's more than a lot of people have. I am so blessed to have a snoring husband. I am blessed to have a baby. I am blessed to be able to wake up and actually get out of bed, healthy enough to take care of a family. I have no right to complain when there are people searching for their one true love and haven't met them yet. I have no right to complain when I am truly blessed to have children - healthy children - that do wake me up when there are couples that try for years and years and are unable to have children. I am blessed to get 4 hours of sleep when a soldier may have been up fighting for MY freedom for and hasn't slept in 72 hours. I am blessed to be able to open my eyes and take in this world, hear my children laugh, to be able walk and talk, and get out of bed each day. There are a lot of people who can't do some of that, or any of that.

And for that...I am truly blessed.

Now tell me...what blessings have you found in your life...not just today...but every day?

And...again...I encourage you to start the challenge. It's okay if you start late...I did. Just click HERE and get to work!

til tomorrow...

It's Just 21 Days...

2010-02-22T16:48:00.000-08:00

So I found this challenge today and I thought it sounded like a good thing to try! After all...it's only 21 days!

I am already late in starting so I must catch up.

For the first challenge I have to give something up for 21 days. I am late in doing this and already blew it today - but starting tomorrow I am giving up peanut butter oreos. Lame. But...when you are on this crazy no milk/no soy diet...peanut butter oreos are HEAVEN. Nevermind there is a BRAND NEW package in the pantry. BUT...for 21 days I can give it up. That's 3 weeks - and since I am a few days late...it's more like 19 days!

The second challenge for today says:

Let today be a day that you are focused on going out of your way to show love and kindness to the people around you. Whether that means sending a card, writing a thoughtful email or note, doing a chore for someone, or spending extra intentional time with a friend, child or family member.... Whatever it may be, just find as many ways as you can throughout the day and do them. And do them with a heart full of love.

So today it's all about Emily. Erik went snowboarding, Allison is hanging out in Allison style and Emily and I are playing. Can you believe I busted out the Wii and showed her how to sword fight? Bad mommy? Fun mommy? Not sure mommy. But it was fun and we laughed and laughed. We have cuddled, and watched tv, talked, laughed some more. And now...it's time for me to get back to her!

Til my next challenge...

By the way...I encourage all of you to play along! Just head on over HERE and have some fun!

After all...what's 21 days!

Daily Life

2010-02-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

Every day is filled with new feats, new adventures, new struggles. Okay, not so new struggles, it's the same struggles - but some days it seems harder than the time before, and sometimes it seems easier.

Going from one child to two is rough. I hate to admit this, but I rarely leave the house with both kids. I think the only time I have left the house alone with both kids was when I was meeting someone somewhere...otherwise I just don't do it. I am not quite ready for it yet. As it is, when we go out, it always seems that both kids melt down at the same time. That's a tough one for me to deal with in public. I feel like all eyes are on me and moms can be SO judgmental of other moms that it usually gets my anxiety going. Plus just listening to both of them at the same time is enough to drive someone insane. But I am learning and I am feeling more confident and am hoping when Erik goes back to work this next shift that I will venture out for a quick trip...alone. Pray for me.

Allison is smiling more and more and I think twice she has giggled. It isn't a full-on giggle but I took it as one. I can't wait to hear them when they are in full-effect! She has been doing good with the MSPI. It's a rough diet for me to follow but it has gotten easier. I even ate dinner out (breakfast is easier) at Red Robin. I was ecstatic that they have an allergy menu so I was able to order a burger and fries and not have any reactions from Allison! It tasted SO GOOD that I was sure they screwed up my order! Alas...they didn't! :)

Emily is growing growing growing too. I am ready to start potty training her full-on. I seriously think it's time. She, on the other hand, doesn't think it is. Sigh. She has gone potty on the toilet a few times but that's about it. I kick myself every day for stopping the potty training right when we were moving. It was a huge mistake. BUT...I know she isn't going to be 12 in diapers...or at least I hope not. So little by little I am hoping she learns and before too long we will be diaper free! Oh the joy! I am hoping before our trip to Disneyland in November that she'll be pretty good without diapers! Fingers crossed.

We got pictures of the kids done the other day and I thought I'd upload a few. The ones we have framed I didn't scan before they were framed so you won't get to see those. They were cutest ones I must say. The one below of both of them made it into a frame but we got extras so I was able to scan it. Sadly, there were no pictures with both of them together where Emily looked at the camera.

Oh how I love those two little munchkins!

Reflecting

2010-02-06T16:46:00.001-08:00

Back and forth and back and forth...you are swinging quietly in your swing, not a care in the world. You are so precious, so innocent. You depend on me for your life. I feed you. I bathe you. I hold you. I rock you. We dance, I sing. Your blue eyes are taking everything in. My face. Your own reflection. Your sister. Your daddy. I enjoy nursing you. I enjoy our bond. You are my second born, my youngest, my sweet sweet newborn. I look at you and wonder what you will look like when you reach your sister's age. I wonder what your personality will be like. I wonder if you actually will have blonde hair. I am pretty confident you will keep your blue eyes. I wonder what you will love to do. I wonder what will make you giggle. I can't wait to find out. You are everything to me.

Sitting next to me, playing your latest obsession, you are my precious precious first born. When you were born you looked JUST like your daddy. Today as I watched you dance, talk to me, and play, I realized you look like me at that age. Your new haircut, your big eyes, your skin tone. I see me in you so much more. I am truly honored. You are so beautiful, so sweet, so funny, so perfect. I worry about you. I worry for the first day of preschool. I worry you will be scared or sad to be on your own. I want to do everything to protect you from any sadness, any anxiety, any pain. You mean the world to me. I sometimes look at you and wonder what you will look like on the first day of kindergarten, as a teenager, as a high-schooler about to graduate. I wonder if you will become a dancer like I was growing up, or if you will be a tomboy and ride motorcycles like your daddy. I also wonder if you will do both. I envision myself watching you at a dance recital. I daydream about what it will be like to watch you at your first school play, where you are a banana or an apple, or a tree. Oh how proud I will be. I am curious about how you will react to Disneyland. Oh how I hope we can go this year. You make me so proud. You fill my heart with more than you can ever imagine. You are my heart and soul.

As I sit here and look around, I am thankful. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the two beautiful children my husband gave me. Thankful that he made it all possible for us to live in a beautiful home with nice things. He has made sure our girls are taken care of. He has made sure I am taken care of too. It's always a huge adjustment with a newborn but he has done all he can to make it easier. He's listened to me bitch, whine, put up with my moodiness because I haven't slept much lately and I am constantly whipping out my boob to feed the baby. Sometimes it seems too much but he's there, listening to me, not judging. He works a lot (he's gone for a 72 hour shift right now) and although I swear he will never know how tiring it is to watch both kids or how hard it is...I understand it's as equally hard for him too. He may not sleep during his shift. He is saving lives while risking his own. I am truly proud of him. I love him more than he'll ever know. More than I tell him. I neglect to tell him how much he means to me and I grow comfortable with how things are. But I love him. With everything in me. With all my heart and soul.

It's a good thing to take a step back, look around, and be thankful. I rarely take the time to do that anymore. I forget what life is all about sometimes. Life is about these two precious humans next to me. Life is a beautiful family. I am the luckiest woman. I am truly happy.

The Joys of Motherhood...

2010-02-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

This week I thought I'd particpate in Mama Kat's Writers Workshop since I am trying to get back into blogging. I've neglected it for quite some time now.

The prompt I chose was 10 things I didn't know until I was a mom. I could probably write a heck of a lot more than 10 things...but I'll stick to the assignment. After all, no one likes the teacher's pet...the over-achiever...the kiss ass. LOL!

So the ten things that motherhood has taught me, that I would not have learned if I had not given birth to the best children on the planet (sorry to burst your bubble but my kids are better than yours...okay, maybe I take that back as I watch my 2 year old in the beginning of a temper tantrum) are as follows:

1. The love. Yes, it's cliche. Everyone hears "you never know love until you have a child" but it's true. Any parent can tell you how true it is. No matter what your child does, that love will always be there. It's an awesome feeling that I am so happy I am able to experience! That hug, that smile, that giggle, that accomplishment are such AMAZING moments and there is nothing in this world that can EVER be better than feeling like that!

2. Poop, puke, snot and other bodily secretions no longer bother me. Well let me clarify. If I see your kid out and about with green snot hanging down to their chin and poop coming out of their pants...that bugs. But my precious children?? It doesn't bother me. I have been pooped on, puked on, and had snot smeared all over me. And I am okay with that! Really...I am! :)

3. Patience. If you know me...patience is not my strong suit. I never really had some before children. Never really cared to have any (bad quality I know). I didn't know what patience really entailed until I became a mom. You basically HAVE to be patient...or at least try your best to be. So those days filled with temper tantrums from the 2 year old and screaming and crying from the newborn REALLY test my patience and it's amazing that I still have some left! (Even some left for the husband when he's bugging me!) But I learned how important it is to acquire that quality and put it to use. :)

4. Messy houses are okay. There are times this house literally looks like a tornado came through here. Some days there are dishes in the sink (when we have a dishwasher), diaper bags on the table, papers on the desk in the office, clothes on the floor in my bedroom, an unmade bed, make up left out in the bathroom, and pans needing to still be washed from the breakfast the morning before last. BUT...all of that is okay. It's okay because it's replaced by a giggling, smiling 2 year old, a happy wife, a happy husband, and a happy newborn. All those things are meaningless if there isn't happiness in the home. Sure, they get cleaned up and are rarely a mess for long...but sometimes (especially when hubby is on shift)...it looks like that.

5. Temper tantrums can be quite comical. I use to HATE watching other kids have temper tantrums (thinking Nanny 911 tantrums) but now that we have our own in our house...sometimes...they actually make me laugh. In fact, sometimes I have been known to whip out the video camera and film them. :)

6. Sleep is over-rated. Okay...it's not really but that's what I tell myself. Sure, I get SOME sleep, but definitely not as much as the average person, or even the husband. I think a mom never truly sleeps, ever. We are always half-asleep. We are asleep just enough in order to hear our children cry out in their sleep. We are asleep just enough to still be able to hear the toddler snoring. We are asleep just enough to hear the newborn stir in her sleep and listen intently for her to be breathing. We are asleep just enough to wake up on time and make sure the husband is getting up and ready for work and hasn't pressed snooze one too many times. Sure, we technically sleep, but not like our husbands. Not like our friends and family without children. Not like we use to before we became a mom.

7. I didn't know that it is okay to give up a huge part of yourself to become a mom. It's something I have been struggling with lately. I gave up a HUGE part of who I was for the past 18 years of my life to be a stay at home mom. Eighteen years is more than half of my age so giving up my career to be home with the kids has NOT been easy for me. But...recently I read some things that put it all into perspective and I would have never have learned unless I was a mom. Sure, I had more money before but as someone said...no purse, no boat, no fancy car will ever feel as good as hearing your baby's giggle. The other one I heard was "you have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once". It's so true. So I am learning that it's okay to let my career, my work, the big part of who I was go and enter into this new role as a mom, a role model, a friend, a mentor. No job could ever be as important as this one and I am learning to accept that, no matter how hard it is.

8. If I had never became a mom, I would have never known how truly hard this job is and how hard my mom worked to provide for my brother and I. I think the moment you become a mother yourself, you gain a new appreciation for your mother. You learn just what she went through. My mom made it look so easy and I learned now as a mom myself that it wasn't easy for her either. I am sure she was just as sleep deprived, just as worried about if she was making the right decisions, just as insecure if she was doing right by her kids, just as worried about our well-being and safety. I am sure she worried about the choices she made and worried how they would affect us. I am sure she worried about our first day of kindergarten, our first day of high school, the first time we took the car out on our own (which she had a right to worry about me...I crashed it...into my dad's neighbor). I am sure she cried when we cried, laughed when we laughed, and didn't sleep when we were sick or when we were out past her own bedtime. Oh how I love my mom and oh how much of a role model she is for me! I truly hope I can provide my kids just as much as my mom provided for us.

9. You CAN rationalize with a two-year old. At least that is what I am telling myself. If you have a two-year old you know you can rationalize with them too. For those of you laughing at me because you think it can't be done...shut it and let me live in my fantasy world!

10. Nap time and bed time can be the happiest times of the day and can make a bad mood (yours not the childs) instantly better. :)

I wouldn't give my role as a mom up for ANYTHING. The two of them have brought me such a joy no other thing in this world could ever re-create. I am truly truly blessed. Thanks Mama Kat for reminding me what it's all about! Now time to whip out the boob, cause a temper tantrum with the toddler because I am about to make her stop playing Pocket God on my phone, and get on with my day!

A Bunch of Nothing..

2010-01-30T18:10:00.000-08:00

Today feels like Sunday to me. Rarely do I have a lazy Saturday. Today the sun was shining and it was gorgeous outside. I chose to stay inside - in my pjs. I had a tea party about 4 times today, read a billion and a half books, whipped my boobs out, sang, danced, cuddled, giggled. I got a lot of smiles and coos from the newborn today too. LOVE getting those! I also dealt with almost a full day of tantrums out of our oldest. I guess that's where a lot of the giggling came from. It was almost comical. I even took out the video camera! It will probably be erased but I'd like her to see how she looks when she's acting like that.

We did manage to get outside for a tiny bit in the backyard but that was short lived when the baby started crying inside to be fed.

The hubby is on shift. Today was his first day. He will be home on Monday. It's getting easier when he goes on shift now but I am ALWAYS ready for him to be home when his shift is over. It's MUCH easier with extra help.

As I sit here and look around my house, it's obvious I am a mother of two. Our front room is a mess. There is a train set with the train off the track on its side, followed by the caboose about 5 feet away. There are about 6 books on the floor and a ton of flashcards her aunt bought her. I hate those flashcards. They are bug flashcards and I see an aphid, an ant, a grasshopper and dragonfly staring at me as I type. They are kinda creepy. Well not kinda...they ARE creepy.

There is a tiara, a purse, a tea set (with the cups and pot on the floor but the plates and spoon on our coffee table), a boat and Wonder Pets on our coffee table. There is also a monster truck school bus in the play gym on the floor that our newborn "plays" in. I am definitely a mother of two.

My oldest is sitting next to me playing "Pocket God" on my phone as I blog. The girl is obsessed with that game. She needs a 12-step program.

As I am typing I just happened to catch a glimpse of the time and it is time to get the munchkin fed, bathed and in bed! I LOVE this time of night so I am off to get her down for bed and to give me some rest (until the newborn needs me!).

Identity Crisis

2010-01-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Gone are the days of heels and button-ups, hair done just right, perfume on, make up on, confidence on. Those days have been replaced by the new me. The one I never pictured myself to be. The pajama wearing, hair a mess and up, no make up, frumpy me. My perfume has a new smell to it...spit up. My intellectual conversations have been replaced by trying to reason with a two-year old. You can guess how well that goes.

I gave up a huge part of myself to accept this role as a stay at home mom. Do you know that is the very first time I admitted that is what I am? I use to own and operate a growing paralegal business. I had hundreds of clients that came to me for help. They depended on me to help them through a difficult time in their life. I was the one person that offered them a hand when it felt like no one else was there. I LOVED that role. I LOVED being that for them. I LOVED talking to adults.

Times have changed. I am still that person that is depended on for help. I am still that person that helps out in a difficult time. But those difficult times are usually a hurt finger that needs a pretend band-aid and lots of kisses. I LOVE this role but it is taking some getting use to...some acceptance on my part. Acceptance that I was never willing to give until now.

My husband and I have decided that it was the best idea for me to close my business to raise our two daughters. A business demands your time 24/7, and two children do too. I had a choice to make. I made the choice to walk away from eighteen years of my life as a paralegal. I did it for my two precious daughters. I did it for our family. But you know what? It hasn't been easy for me.

I guess I am selfish when I say I miss it and some days I wish we had a nanny or day care or something so I could work. Some days I want to run away and just deal with me. As much as I complained about clients being frustrating, being a stay at home mom is frustrating too. I no longer pee in private. I no longer shower in private. I no longer eat or enjoy a meal in private. I no longer relax. I no longer get "me" time unless it revolves around my boobs. I am breastfeeding the newborn and everything revolves around my boobs. My boobs and my diet.

The newborn has MSPI which means that she has an intolerance to milk and soy protein. Milk and soy are in EVERYTHING. EVERY.FRIGGEN.THING. Trying to adhere to a diet void of milk and soy is tough. But I do it for her so that her body doesn't have to be in pain. But I miss being able to attend dinners out with friends. I miss being able to just pull anything out of the fridge and eat it without having to read the entire ingredient list. I miss a nice cold glass of milk. If you know me, dairy was my main food group. I miss it. Tremendously.

So I trudge along. Day by day. Hour by hour when day by day seems too difficult, and lately it has felt that way. I am SLOWLY accepting this role and SLOWLY moving into it. I even am finding myself doing something I NEVER thought I'd do or want to do...joining a moms group. I have always had a problem with judgmental moms. I am hoping this won't be over-run by these types of women. I am hoping to gain friendships for my daughter since she has very few...and if I gain some friends out of it...that would be okay too! I am nervous about it since I am a SUPER shy person...but we'll see how it goes. If the munchkin can gain friends...even one friend...it would be a success.

This new role is growing on me but I feel pulled in two different directions. I feel pulled to the person I was for 18 years. I feel pulled to raising my kids without outside help. I feel resentful my business closed. I feel resentful I still have a few clients I must tend to. It's definitely a whole new identity for me and I feel like I am in the middle of a huge idenity crisis. I know it will all even out and all work out...but today...right now...I am just trying to figure me out.

AND...would you know it... it's time to cut this blog entry off now. My boobs are in demand...yet again! Have a great day everyone!

Not much to report other than...

2010-01-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

it's been rough lately. Very very rough. Allison is exhibiting signs of MSPI just like her sister did and it's been rough. Crying for hours on end. In lots of pain. Nothing can console her until it passes.

Last night I held her for 6 hours straight while she screamed her head off in pain. I got three hours of sleep which seems to be the norm lately. Exhausted.

I am going to be trying her on rat poison (aka formula) at her next feeding and will pump as well. Doing this just to see if it helps. Feels shitty. Feels like I am a failure and can't even breastfeed my children. BUT if the formula helps - then I'd rather have that than bloody diapers or screaming in pain because their intestines are raw and inflamed and bleeding.

Other than that? Emily is slowly coming around and warming up to her big sister and me again. Still not 100% but slowly making progress.

Oh how I long for happiness back in my home. Happiness for Allison. Happiness for Emily. Happiness for Erik. If all of them are happy...then that will allow happiness for myself.

Here's to hoping and to reminding myself often...this too shall pass.

The Newest Addition!

2009-12-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

On December 7th at 403 pm - our newest daughter entered the world!

Earlier in the morning I had my usual NST and my pre-op appointment. I just had a feeling I would be giving birth that day but was in denial. Of all days, I didn't shave my legs, didn't take the car seat out of the car for my mom, and even told her I didn't need to borrow her car because I'd be back home in about an hour or so. I was hoping my suspicions weren't right because Erik had just started his 48 hour shift.

I arrived at the hospital - so proud to have Stork parking and hoping that wasn't a sign either. I NEVER get Stork parking (which is parking right up front) and was excited that finally there was a spot open. I waddled inside and upstairs for my NST.

They hooked me up to the monitors and took my blood pressure. It was high. 134/103 high. It did come down quite a bit the second reading - but not enough to not be considered borderline. I told myself to just calm down, that didn't mean I was having a baby. As I was doing the NST I was having contractions through it. I told myself they were just Braxton Hicks and not anything rhythmic and weren't too painful so that wouldn't mean I'd deliver. Then they checked for the amniotic fluid. It was 5. Crap. I pretty much knew then I'd be delivering that day, but just told myself maybe not.

I was ushered over to my pre-op appointment and as I waited in the room I just told myself maybe she'll still let me wait until Friday. She knocked on the door, walked in, sat down and the first words were "so I think we are having a baby today...I am not messing around with the fluid or blood pressure anymore and it's time. She's term and what's 4 days?" She assured me she'd re-arrange her schedule so she could deliver the baby for me and told me to call my husband right there. I started crying. I was scared, I was excited, but I think mostly scared.

I called Erik, he at first thought I was joking, but then was able to find relief and meet me over in Labor and Delivery. As I waited for family to arrive, my contractions were picking up and becomming more painful. They were anywhere from 1-4 minutes apart.

Family arrived and we waited some more. Right before I was to go into surgery, my water also started trickling out. I guess it was the right day after all. Whether I was sent home or whether she told me they were taking the baby, I would have ended up having her the same day.

315 rolled around and it was time to bring me into the OR. I was super scared. I said my goodbyes to family and waddled across the hall. They prepped me for surgery, Erik was brought in, and it began.

I am not going to lie...it was totally different this time around. With Emily, I didn't feel a thing. No tugging, no pulling, nothing. This time? I felt it all. Nothing overly painful, but the tugging and pulling and pushing at times were pretty rough. But at 403, she entered the world. She was 8 pounds even, 19.5 inches long and perfect. We named her Allison Mae.

I am obviously home from the hospital now, trying to heal. The healing isn't going as smoothly as it did with Emily but each day it's getting easier. Although my feet are like balloons and I can barely walk on them from all the fluid and I can't wear shoes, and the incision at times stings or pulls and my boobs hurt and I am exhausted. It was worth it. SO worth it!

Emily is having a tough time adjusting but each day she gets better and better. Before long, she will love her little sister just like she loves us (and forgive her mommy for bringing her home). :)

I never thought my heart could grow any bigger - but it has. We are so in love!

First few seconds of life...

First time being dressed...

Proud Daddy...

Baby feet...

All she does at home...

Quick Update...

2009-12-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

Well...no baby yet! I did have high blood pressures and had to be monitored in L&D for a bit yesterday. I left with blood pressure still a little high but I was able to go home on strict bedrest. So that's where I am.

Last night (or I guess this morning?) I was up at 3 with contractions. Some were two minutes apart for quite a while. They were also pretty painful. I'd have to stop and breathe through them and the kid would say "mommy is breathing!" LOL! Yes hunny...I sure am! They have now gone away - but that took all the way up until 10 this morning. I am exhausted!

Have another test scheduled tomorrow and then my pre-op on Monday. EXCITED we FINALLY got our dresser so the room can be finished! Sad that husband has to do it on his own but that's okay.

As of today...8 days left!

It's Go Time...

2009-12-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

As of today...I have TEN days left before my scheduled c-section. TEN. That's it. I don't feel ready for it yet...and I am DEFINITELY not ready for it as early as tomorrow!

I went in for my usual NST today and was having contractions 5 minutes apart, combined with high blood pressure. The doctor and the high risk expert were a little concerned so sent me for blood work.

The doctor then called me once I got home to inform me that I need to monitor my blood pressure this evening and come in at 9 tomorrow. She told me if my bp is high tomorrow, it looks like our baby may be here as early as tomorrow!

If I am NOT ready for her to arrive in TEN days - how am I going to be ready for her to be her TOMORROW???

So now I am washing my clothes, packing my bag, in the process of trying to rest. OF COURSE husband is on shift, and today is his first day on.

So here's hoping for LOW blood pressure tomorrow and NO baby as of yet. I still want my ten days!

NOT meant for bed rest

2009-11-15T15:09:00.000-08:00

So just a quick update for family and friends...

Went to my usual NST appointment on Friday. They measured the fluid before hooking me up to the machines to test heart rate and contractions. Fluid was down again to a 6. The tech said she'd remeasure after the test to see if we could get it higher.

It wasn't.

So back on bed rest until my appointment on Monday.

We will then re-evaluate to see if I have more fluid and go from there. Sigh.

Hoping for better results tomorrow and getting OFF bed rest. I suck at it! And bed rest with a 2 year old and a husband on shift???? Are they insane? THANK GOD for the help I have had! :)

Weekly Assignment

2009-11-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

So another week of Mama Kat's assignments that I feel compelled to do! :)

1.) Describe the best/most creative punishment you have ever given your children or received yourself.

2.) Tell a friend or family members story as if it happened to you.

3.) Tell a story about a moment in time when you were so happy you were you and not someone else in the room.

4.) I picked up the phone and I could not believe what I was hearing...

5.) Show us something you did yourself!

I think this week I want to do two of them. Both are interesting. Okay...one is totally childish, but it still makes me totally laugh!

The first one I am going to do is #4.

There was a time when I worked at a law office specializing in divorce (this was before I had my own paralegal practice). The phone rang and I answered it like I normally did "Law office". Yes, that's how us law folks answer. Not very personable.

I hear our client on the other end (I came to recognize his voice A LOT) saying "she's in there with my brother right now!" I asked him what was going on. He said "she's in there with my brother and I am going to stab her when she comes out!" I talked to him, telling him to calm down and that he should put the knife down and leave. He said "no...they are ready to come out...I am going to stab her! I am going to kill her!" I said "[insert name] please don't do anything stupid...it's NOT worth it...just walk out". Next thing I heard was some rumbling with the phone, him yelling "here she comes!" and TONS of screaming before the line went dead. We called 911 but since we didn't know where they were or what exactly was going on, they couldn't help.

Our client stabbed his wife (that filed for divorce) over 27 times. He spent time in prison for his crime. The sad part??? She came in a few months later with all her stab wounds on her face, neck, arms, etc and dismissed the entire divorce so she could work it out with him. It is something that sticks with me to this day and will stick with me probably forever. The sounds were horrible. DEFINITELY couldn't believe what I was hearing on the other end of the phone that day.

So now I am going backward to #3, which is a happier ending...

My sister in law and I took up yoga through the adult education center in our local town. We are both 35 (okay she is 34 still but only for a few more days) and I think we were just a few years younger when we took it. Everything was fine. I tend to get giggly over a lot of things when taking yoga but this time...I was able to keep my giggles in...shaking...sweating...trying to keep them in - but I kept them in.

We were starting to warm down for the night and were doing a pose. There was a lady right in front of the SIL and her husband/boyfriend in front of me. Whatever pose we were doing required your tush to be out in the air and as the room was totally silent...the poor lady let one rip. Now it wasn't a quiet one by any means. It was one sooooooooo loud, sooooooo embarrassing that if it had been me...I would have just took my yoga mat and walked out right then and there and never ever came back.

I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT look at the SIL. I knew if I did - I'd lose it. I'd laugh so hard that I would have to leave. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she looked at me a few times and as we were in our final pose of the night...totally silent and relaxing...both of us were sitting there shaking trying so hard not to laugh. Yes, we are childish.

As soon as class was over - she looked at me - I looked at her - we RAN to our shoes - didn't even roll up our mats - JUMPED in the car and hightailed it out of there. Meanwhile...we laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until we were crying and just about drooling. We could not catch our breath. It was friggen hilarious!!! To this day - we can still laugh and laugh and laugh about it as if it happened the day before! :)

The poor lady never came back to class after that and that is DEFINITELY one time I was glad it was someone else and not me! :)

I Love You...

2009-11-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have not done a writer's work shop via Mama Kat in ages. But since she twisted my arm with these prompts - I want to do it this week.

The prompts were:

1.) Describe something you're proud of.

2.) Tell me your most humorous wedding experience

3.) 10 reasons why you can't sleep at night

4.) Describe an experience that you wish you could shake from your memory.

5.) Write a love letter to the object of your affection.

I can write on all of them - except maybe number 2. I am proud of so many things and narrowing it down seemed too hard for me today...because of number 3. I can't sleep at night. I didn't get hardly any sleep last night and number 3 would be the easiest choice because it seems like a nightly occurrence. The experience I wish I could shake from memory I could write about - but it's 2-fold. I am glad I was there to experience but can break out in tears suddenly for no reason thinking about it. But number 5...I have been thinking of doing for quite some time. So that's what I pick.

I know this should probably go to my husband - and don't worry - he'll get one. But this one, is to my daughter.

Dear Emily...

I am writing you this letter today because I know in just a few short weeks you will become a big sister. This is SUCH an exciting time for you and I know you will make an EXCELLENT sister. You are such a brilliant, beautiful, funny, loving, joyous two-year-old and now you will add the role of "sister" to that.

Mommy is so proud of you for all that you are and all that you will become. I could NEVER imagine my life without you. You have touched me so profoundly and no words could ever express how much love I have within my heart for you.

I am going to be honest, I am nervous for when your sister arrives. I worry that you may feel left out or that you may feel that mommy and daddy don't love you as much. I worry that you may feel that we like your sister more than you. I want you to know that will NEVER EVER EVER be the case. Newborns are a lot of work (believe it or not you were too!) and they cannot speak or act out their needs in the way you can. They do not understand as well as you do and they require a lot of attention. But I want you to know that NOTHING will EVER replace my love for you. EVER.

Your sister is going to become a part of this family and we will all learn how much bigger our hearts can become. I never thought it would be possible to have more love in my heart, but I know your sister will provide that for ALL of us.

You will continue to make Mommy proud each and every day. My love for you will grow deeper every single second of the day. You will be AMAZING and will be so helpful. You will ALWAYS be Mommy's precious little girl. Mommy will ALWAYS be there for you - whatever it is you need. My love will NEVER disappear or change - only grow deeper.

I cannot thank the Lord enough for bringing YOU into my life. You have made me the woman I am today. You have taught me SO much in your two short years. You have made my life more joyous, more beautiful and more perfect just by being born. I love you so very very much and will continue to do so every single second of every single day.

Thank you for being MY daughter. I am looking forward to this journey with you.

I love you with all of my heart...

Mommy

Just a little hiccup...

2009-11-01T16:03:00.000-08:00

First...sorry it's been a while. I owe family and friends photos from about 3 months worth of collecting. Probably more than 3 months now that I think about it. But I will get to it...soon enough - I promise.

Halloween was SO MUCH FUN with the little one. Those will be some of the promised pics I will be putting up - and I think they deserve a blog of their own. So give me a few days (translated into about a week or so). :)

Recently we had a little scare with the pregnancy. I was AMAZED at how calm I remained. I just didn't want to worry. I guess because I hadn't been given ALL the information.

At any rate, had my regular OB appointment on Wednesday the 28th (could be Wednesday - maybe it was a Thursday - at any rate - it was the 28th). Went in, everything checked out okay. As the appointment was coming to a close I figured I better tell my doctor something that had concerned me - just to be safe. So I mentioned that when we had our last 3d/4d that the tech had mentioned I don't have as much fluid as most women, but not as little as some have had. My doctor immediately decided to give me an ultrasound just to make sure all was okay.

The next words out of her mouth were "looks like you just bought a ticket to L&D". I guess my amniotic fluid was EXTREMELY low. She also had to do a pelvic (oh those are fun!) to make sure no fluid was leaking to cause the low amniotic fluid. None was.

As she was writing my orders, she was also explaining that IF I needed to deliver right away there were certain hospitals I'd go to and was sure everything would be fine. Okay. Whatever. I am not going to worry.

I waddle on over to L&D and the midwife was there to greet me. They said I needed to get my own room. YAY for not having to go to triage and be concealed behind a curtain! So I got myself comfy and they hooked me up to the monitors for the heart beat and contractions. Took blood and brought me gallons (literally) of water to drink. Okay. Whatever. Can't be THAT bad.

But time kept going on and on and I hadn't heard anything. I called my husband to come down because I was a little worried (after the midwife explained when I got there about having to be delivered early). But I was in the mode of keeping my husband calm that I just didn't let it affect me.

Then...we FINALLY found a nurse to let us know what was going on (since it was going on 5 hours). He came in to explain that amniotic fluid levels should be at least at 10. That was optimal. He explained anything below an 8 is cause for concern. He explained the hospital I would be transferred to would be a GREAT hospital and I'd be happy there. HAPPY??? DID HE SAY HAPPY?????

I then asked where my fluid level was. He wasn't sure but went to check. Came back and told me 4.8. Well no wonder why everyone was concerned. Now...although I tried not to show it...I was concerned.

Husband had to leave to put the kid to bed (his sister came over to relieve him) and FINALLY the doctor came in. Measured fluid 3 times and was happy enough with a level of 9 to send me home. Guess the gallons of water helped.

This past Friday (10/30) I noticed the baby not moving much. I tried again not to worry too much but with the fluid scare - I was a tad more nervous than I normally would have been. I did everything I was suppose to - ate, walked around - ate something sweet - drank something cold. The MOST kicks I got in an hour were 5. So back to L&D I went.

They monitored me for a bit - the baby was asleep when I got there but woke up about 15 minutes into my stay. They said the baby was probably sleeping a lot today which could be the reason for not feeling a lot of movement. They also did the ultrasound to measure levels again. This time - it was a 7.1 which she was okay with. Sent me home. Took my off bed rest.

Needless to say, I am confused. But I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can learn what numbers to be concerned with and what numbers not to be concerned with. I will have testing two times a week which I am okay with if they can check on my fluid and not deliver this little one too early.

But now? I am scared. I seem to get dehydrated even if I have literally drank 16 glasses of water. (Okay 8 glasses - but 16 ounce glasses). I have been getting pretty dizzy lately for no reason. Today? I just about passed out while the kid was napping. I made myself lay down and just waited until it passed. I wasn't doing anything to exert myself when it happened either. So I wonder. I wonder about fluid levels. I wonder if the baby is okay. I wonder if she will come early. I wonder if it was a fluke about the fluid levels or if this will be an ongoing thing until I deliver. I just wonder. I do my best to stay positive...but it's hard. It's difficult without answers. It's difficult without someone telling me "it will be just fine". It's difficult not being able to exert myself with my 2 year old like I had been.

But I do my best. That is all I can do. I NEED to learn to take care of me - something I rarely do. In fact...I always put others before me - but now...it's time for them to put me first and help me out when I need it. I find that isn't always easy but I find it's needed.

Hoping tomorrow brings answers, good answers, calming answers.

Blah.

2009-10-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah. This pretty much is how I feel right now. Not only has the morning sickness/barfing returned, but the weight gain? Feels INSANE.

I am ready to be done being pregnant! (I think this is about the time I usually say that!)

That's all.

Not So Politically Correct...

2009-10-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

I guess I should be venting this elsewhere - but people work, don't have kids, don't quite *get it* sometimes - so why not vent to the entire friggen world?

Somedays...I wonder if I made a mistake. Made a mistake being pregnant again. There. There is my unpolitically correct thing to say. There is me making a statement that will draw negative attention. There is my invitation for people to bash me.

Yesterday was a REALLY difficult parenting day. It was so difficult that I ended up in tears. Yes, pathetic. A 2-year-old made me cry. Not just cry. But sob. Question myself. Doubt myself. Doubt my future as a parent. Feel stupid. Feel insecure. Feel incapable.

The kid is teething all four of her two-year molars at once. She is also definitely in her terrible twos. With hubby at work a minimum of 48 hours a week (but it's usually 72+), it makes it rough on me, especially being pregnant...and 8 months pregnant at that. The kid had a two-hour temper tantrum yesterday. TWO HOURS. STRAIGHT. I have dealt with all-day temper tantrums that were broken up by moments of my nice sweet child breaking through...never have I dealt with a temper tantrum that was full on screaming, crying, kicking, throwing for two hours straight.

I tried everything I shouldn't have. I tried being tough at first and reasoning with a 2 year old. Yeah that worked. I just laughed at myself writing that sentence out. I bargained...with a 2 year old. I pleaded...with a 2 year old. I got angry (mostly away from her)...with a 2-year old. I tried letting her "cry it out". I gave her what she was screaming for (which I am not quite sure what the heck she wanted but at the end of the temper tantrum it was her paci that she'd throw out of the crib, SCREAM AND CRY for it back, only to throw it right back out after I left the room). I tried hugging (which made her more mad). I tried getting her out of the crib (this was at nap time) because I figured she was just NOT going to sleep - but made her stay in her room. She was over-tired. I was over-stressed. Finally after the millionth time throwing her paci (which I was waiting a long time to give back to her) I told her (as I gave it back to her) that next time she threw it out - I was NOT going to give it back. Same goes for the bunny (her bunny in the crib she threw out). She said "okay...I need to go nigh nigh" and then fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

I am guessing my tone the last time about the paci being thrown out and not getting back is what she finally heard because she didn't hear it before - and yes, I know, I made the mistake of giving it back to her after I said I wouldn't. (Yes I know that was wrong...I was just at my wits end!) That, or she just wore herself out. I am telling myself it was my tone - but it probably was the exhaustion!

So I sat there after all that, and still sit here, wondering HOW the hell I am going to deal with two. Alone. Sure, hubby is here - but not as much as I am. He works A LOT. How will I deal with a newborn screaming her head off while a two-year old is screaming her head off too? How will I deal with the temper tantrums of the munchkin with a new born? How will I rest? How will I get ANYTHING done?

It's shitty that I am wondering if it was a mistake to be pregnant again. I am sure it's NOT a mistake - but I just don't know if I have it in ME to do this with TWO kids. Alone for 2-3 days a week (if not more). No husband coming home to help at night. No husband at home during the morning to help before work. Sigh. A 2 year old and a newborn. What was I thinking?

I know millions of women do this. Millions of women handle this. But not sure I have it in ME to handle a new born, a 2 year old, work at home, and just relax sometimes. I don't get much relaxation as it is now, I am sure I will get zero when the new one arrives.

I am shitty for not being excited for the new baby. And...it's not like I am NOT happy or excited. Just today (and yesterday), I am scared. I am unsure.

Accepting my reality...

2009-10-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we were given the eviction date for the new baby. In exactly 10 weeks (from yesterday), our newest addition will arrive into this world. It was both an exciting moment, and one plagued with fear and sadness.

After I got all the information, I informed family members and then I looked at my daughter. I felt instant sadness and guilt. Right now she gets all the attention from us, but in just 2 months, she won't have that 100% of the time. I felt sad thinking she won't really grasp why. I think what she WILL grasp is some new baby came into the house and stole her thunder. I think she will be sad and feel left out and I don't want her feeling that way. It broke my heart (still does) to look at her and I felt guilty thinking I am the one putting that on her.

I have tried to tell her that "sister" is on the way but at 2, one can't really understand that. She understands that mommy has "a really full belly" (her words) as she pats it. She will also pat my tummy and say "that's sister right there" but I know she has no clue what that REALLY means.

For her, I feel sad. I don't ever want her to feel left out - ever. But I know there will be times she will need to learn patience because I will have to attend to a newborn over her needs sometimes. For me, I feel sad. Sad that I won't have that one on one interaction with her that I do now. I will miss her being my one and only.

I had a friend tell me she cried all the way to the hospital with her 2nd one because she felt this way - and I have a feeling I will do the same thing.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me that I keep reading. The beginning part is just so hard for me to read right now because that's how I feel. I know it will all work out, but I just feel a lot of emotions and guilt.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.

There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
--

I AM...

2009-09-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

This is an oldie but a goodie...and one that fits perfectly today...

I AM...

I am thankful. This has not always been an easy walk for me.

I am disappointed. We have missed family gatherings, weddings, dinner engagements, birthday parties, and holidays because of shift schedules and overtime.

I am patient. There have been dinners spent at the firehouse waiting for Daddy to return from a call while the kids get cranky and the food gets cold.

I am nervous. I awake at 3:00 A.M. hearing creaks in the house and don't have the comfort of my husband beside me.

I am tired. The house is full of sick kids and there is no relief in site because Daddy is on a seventy-two-hour shift.

I am jealous. Jealous of all the women whose husbands came home at 5:00 P.M. to have dinner and hold them at the end of their day.

I am worried. I worry that he may not come home one day. This I try to tuck away.

I am content. We have decided to give up my career so I can stay home and raise our children. We no longer have an abundance of money or things. It is the greatest freedom I have ever known.

I am incompetent. There was a time when I considered myself moderately intelligent. I now struggle to remember where I left my car keys, the diaper bag, and, occasionally, the baby.

I am waiting. Knowing the phone may one day ring for me.

I am doubting. Doubting that God hears all my prayers. Doubting I am the kind of wife and mother He needs me to be.

I am trusting. Trusting that my husband will come home again.

I am confident, I am embarrassed, I am lonely, I am surprised, I am overworked, I am underpaid.

I am...The Fireman's Wife.

Family Tradition I Suppose?

2009-09-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday hubby, munchkin and I were able to squeeze in a 3D/4D ultrasound. I was so excited to go and see what the new baby looks like!

She is definitely still a she. She has 10 fingers and 10 toes. She is SOOOOO cute. I know this because she is mine. But...

I couldn't really tell just how incredibly adorable she is. Those cute little fingers and toes were in front of her face the whole time. No matter how many times I rolled around or coughed, she kept her face covered. The munchkin did the same thing!

We got SOME profiles (or shall I say...partial profiles) and she looks like she has chubby cheeks - like the munchkin! :) Other than that...she is done with the paparazzi looking at her. Both of our daughters didn't want anything to do with giving a us a preview.

We will go back in three weeks to try again and we are PRAYING for better results.

Here are some for you to try and decipher for now...

Yeah...can't tell what this is. But I assure you, it's all those fingers and toes blocking the face.

Sort of the side of her face...probably hard to make out for most of you...

And that's pretty much it. That's all we can really see. Sigh.

PRAYING the next go-round turns out a lot better! If not...well...we'll just have to be patient like we were with the munchkin! :)

27 weeks

2009-09-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

Here we are just a week shy of the third trimester. Lots of changes have taken place in the last few days it seems like.

First...morning sickness has returned. So unfair if you ask me. But each morning, I get the wonderful sickness of pregnancy.

Second...the fatigue has returned, accompanied with not being able to pick up things off the floor as easily, or even put on pants as easily.

Third...in the last 2 days...the belly has REALLY grown. I am not sure what that is all about - but as of Friday, it was noticeable. Not only to me, but to everyone else.

It's scary to think that my belly is going to get bigger. I know it will because that's just what happens. But how scary! It's already uncomfortable!

The baby supposedly weighs 2 pounds now and as far as we know, all is going well.

We FINALLY ordered all the furniture and am praying it arrives in time.

I have my one hour glucose test Thursday the 24th and am praying to pass that. I didn't have problems with the kid (aka the munchkin) with gestational diabetes but this pregnancy is also different than it was with the kid.

So we will see. Hoping to have a 3d/4d done soon too! Once we do, I'll be sure to post pictures! :)

Sunday Thoughts...

2009-09-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Today I feel...a tad disappointed in someone

Tomorrow I am looking forward to...another new day! :)

Yesterday I...looked for baby furniture and we came up empty.

Right now I really want to...tell someone how I feel but have learned to just take a step back.

Five minutes from now...I will be hopping in the shower.

My favorite thing of today so far is....that the kid wanted me to read her "Hands Are Not For Hitting" about 92358230582305832508 times. I hope it sinks in!

Recently I...found out the last of my extended family was moving out of state. I will miss him and it makes me sad since him and I are so close.

I would change...the behavior of someone if I actually could.

I often wonder...what the new baby will look like and how she will act.

I am thankful for...the people in my life.

I am sad for...the fact my family has really dwindled down. :(

I am excited for...fall to hurry up and get here! :)

I am happy for...a friend of mine whose surgery was a success! And I am happy for her funny texts and tweets! :)

I am thinking about...life.

I can't wait to...take our trip to Oregon! :)

I wonder why...the kid is STILL awake and not napping!

I love it when...I am with those I love! I think it's the best feeling in the world!

I don't like it when...I am pregnant and it's 3209850325803258 degrees outside! :)

Right now...I am signing off to shower and get movin' so I can hang out and run errands with a friend and then hopefully play some wii! :)

When all else fails...walk on bumps...

2009-09-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear munchkin...

Today you turn two. These past two years have given me so much joy, I cannot ever begin to put it into words. I have watched you grow from a newborn, to a running, talking, laughing, reading, coloring, and yes temper tantrumy two-year old.

You have learned so many new things and so have I. You have taught me a love that I have NEVER felt before. You have taught me patience when I NEVER thought I'd have it. You have taught me laughter at silly things that before I wouldn't think were so silly. You have taught me the simple joy of walking on bumps. Sounds funny doesn't it? But I think it's adorable that when your daddy and I are stressed out and we hear from the back seat of the car "I want to walk on bumps" that we can remember that life can be so simple and little things like that can bring so much joy. I take that with me and try to remember that when I am stressed, just enjoy the little things, and walk on bumps.

You have showed me how amazing a hug can feel. You have helped me grow as a person. You have made me cry just by rocking you to sleep. Not a bad cry, but an "I am so overwhelmed with love right now" cry. You have given me more than words can express. All in the short span of two years.

You mean the world to me. I am so excited and so very proud to call you my daughter. My love will only continue to grow for you. I will always be there for you every step of the way. I will protect you and love you. I am excited to see what this world holds for you. THANK YOU for being MINE.

I love you...

Mommia

Midlife...

2009-09-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

Might as well just start this blog like all the others..."It's been forever since I blogged..." - there. Said it. Now I can continue! :)

I am having a hard time grasping that the munchkin will be TWO on Saturday. I still can't believe it. I almost think she should graduate from "munchkin" to "kid". We shall see.

I also can't believe I will be celebrating my FOURTEENTH anniversary of my 21st birthday on Saturday too! Growing up, this age seemed SO OLD. It's funny how the older you get - those "old" ages aren't so old anymore. Someone that dies at 70 to me is still quite young. As of Saturday - I "officially" enter mid-life. That means half of my life is over. It's quite crazy if you ask me. It brings up a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts. Have I done everything I wanted to? Have I let stupid things go? Have I focused on what is IMPORTANT and stopped worrying about the little things? Have I learned to understand that people make mistakes and no one is perfect so when I get hurt or angry to remember they are just as human as I am? Have I taken time to take care of myself? Have I laughed enough? Smiled enough? Hugged enough?

Yes and no to all of those. I am at the point where I am now doing all the things I wanted. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter and another beautiful daughter on the way. I am also a homeowner. All those things can be checked off the list. I have AMAZING family that I know I can count on if I need them. I have great friends that will also be there for me when I need them...even if it puts them out. THAT right there is all I need.

I am a work in progress with learning to let the stupid things go - but I must admit between a year or two ago and now...I have learned to let the little stupid things go. Again, I remind myself that everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes. I probably make the most. When someone pisses me off or hurts my feelings, I talk it out - in my head. Weird I suppose, but that's what I need to do. I have learned that people I love and people that love me don't intentionally set out to hurt me with their actions.

I am still learning to focus on what is important and not spend so much time worrying about what isn't. Again, it is definitely a work in progress. I have been one that likes perfection my whole life. I want everything to be perfect and when things are out of my control...I stress. I am learning to stop that nonsense but it isn't always easy. My husband is the same way and we tend to remind one another to chill out when we get that way. It's a good reminder to have someone call me on it! :) I mean come on, the house may be messy but we are all happy. The laundry may need to get done, but playing with the munchkin is more important. Dinner may need to be cooked, but if I am exhausted and sick and need to rest then take out isn't all that bad. Like I said, a work in progress. I can't please everyone and the moment I try to take care of everyone instead of myself...I fail. I have to remember to stop and take care of ME too - otherwise I WON'T even make it to 70!

Have I taken care of myself? The answer is flat-out no. I haven't taken the time to work out more, eat better, and relax when I need to. I am always thinking there is more to be done and those things can wait. I think this will be the hardest one for me to do, but as my 14th anniversary of that 21st birthday gets closer, I am making it my goal to start doing that. If I don't take care of me, who will? If I don't take care of me, I won't be around for my children or husband. If I don't take care of me, I will be remembered as the girl who always took care of everyone else and "damn we miss her", but I won't be HERE, and that, to me, is more important. I WANT to see my children grow up, get married, have babies of their own. I WANT to be old and feeble with my husband. I want to look at him when I am 70 (and the he is only 66) and hold his hand on that porch swing and be happy where I am. I won't get that if I don't focus on myself at times. I DO NOT think it's selfish to take care of ME and that's what I need to learn to do.

Have I smiled, laughed and hugged more? Again, a work in progress. I need to remember to do that. I fail to do that sometimes because I am too wound up with everything else. So that's what I am learning to do.

I hope on my 40th birthday I can look back over the previous 5 years and realize that I accomplished all the things I wanted to work on and be happy with my progress! I am sure these lessons won't be easy, but they are worth it. I am worth it, and so are the people I love!

Six Word Saturday

2009-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

HOLDS THE KEY TO MY HEART...

To join in the fun - click here.

Thoughts...

2009-08-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

Saw this over at Lacey's blog and it just fit my mood today and thought I'd play along...

I am: feeling serene in my life. We are in the new house. We no longer have ties with the old house. Planning munchkin's 2nd birthday. Realizing I will be 35 this year. (Okay maybe not serene about the last part!)

I think: way too much and that can get me in trouble!

I know: that one day very soon I will be a mother to two and that scares the crap outta me.

I have: some amazing people in my life.

I wish: I could say the things I want to say to the people I should say them to. But I won't. Sometimes keeping quiet is better.

I hate: people that lie, people that are selfish, and people that lie. Oh yeah, and people that lie.

I miss: hanging out with friends. It's funny how many friends distance themselves when you are pregnant! They must think I am disabled or dead, but in fact, I am just pregnant! It's lonely. It's hurtful. But I am thankful for those that still come around and don't mind hanging out with the preggo!

I fear: losing someone I love.

I wonder: what the new baby will look like, what we will name her, how she will act. I also wonder if I am cut out to handle two.

I regret: very little.

I love: so deeply.

I am not: always as happy as I appear. I sometimes hurt or feel lonely but just show the world that I am "okay".

I believe: in myself. I believe in those close to me. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe the truth ALWAYS comes out!

I dance: with my daughter. I dance by myself. I dance when no one is looking.

I sing: all the time to the munchkin. She never tires of hearing my non-singing voice because she always says "again!" :)

I cry: when I feel any emotion strongly. I cry easily.

I fight: crappy. I do not enjoy fighting. I hold grudges. I am happy to say I don't even remember the last time I did fight...Thank God!

I always: think about others before myself. I do this to a fault.

I listen: to my daughter play by herself and my heart melts.

I am happy about: everything happening in my life!

It's Ours!!

2009-08-06T09:16:00.001-07:00

We got the keys to the house yesterday! We were suppose to close a day early but our agent was out of town - but yesterday was just fine for us too!!! SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITING! Being the hormonal person I am these days...it even made me almost cry! Got pretty teary eyed but blinked it away!

Hubby and I spent the night cleaning while the mother-in-law stayed at our old house(can I say old house if we are still living there?) while the munchkin slept. We got a lot done. I was EXHAUSTED way before hubby so I left early, relieved the mother-in-law and pretty much fell asleep before even hitting the pillow!

This morning came WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early! Hubby didn't even get home until 1am last night so for us to get out of bed to get ready this morning was a huge chore! We had an 8am appointment with the alarm company and since the munchkin slept in late, hubby left and we are here waiting for him.

We have transferred all the utilities to our name except water. I can't believe all the stuff they need to turn on the water. Copy of our deed (which we don't have yet), driver's license, realtor info, first born child. I mean really, why should it be so difficult?

So today holds more cleaning, running errands, all the fun stuff that you want to do, yet don't want to do!

Oh you know what else? I think we are going to have some pretty amazing sunsets each night! Last night we arrived at the very end of it - and I can tell they are going to be GORGEOUS! I can't wait! :)

Quick update...

2009-08-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I think I start every blog with that same sentence, or something rather close.

At any rate...we are having another GIRL! We are happy to see the baby is doing well and we are happy to be expecting another daughter! It makes things A LOT easier because this child will pretty much have everything, minus bedding which we will be getting pretty soon!

We get the keys to the new house in TWO days! I can't believe it! I am suppose to be packing right now, but obviously I am blogging instead! We have painting to do, clean up, carpet cleaning, all that kind of stuff before we move in - but I am excited!!!!!

I was able to spend some time this weekend with some friends and with my family that is here from Illinois. It has been SO wonderful seeing them and watching the munchkin enjoy their company as well. I am hoping I will get to see them one more time before they leave and that they will be able to see the new house!

Also, if you were following me on Twitter, my account was hacked and banned and I had to create a new account. I will put a new "follow me on twitter" thing up here in a bit. It sucks because I lost a lot of people I was following and lost the 150+ people following me. I am hoping more people will start following me here soon. I am sure it just takes time.

So that is my QUICK update! I am off to pack some more. Hubby is on shift for the next two days so that leaves me packing by myself while taking care of the munchkin. So...off I go!

Can't Even Put It Into Words - and a Reminder to All

2009-07-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

I hesitated on writing this blog. But I am. I am sad, devastated, scared, pissed, grateful, and every other emotion under the sun.

On Wednesday, for the 2nd time in FOUR months...we were burglarized. The first time, they just hit the garage. This time, they hit the house.

Hubby, munchkin and I made our way out of the house around 4pm to go to Sears to purchase a new fridge for the new house. We were gone 3.5 hours. Our neighbors dog was going crazy between 4-5 they told us.

We got home, I was the first to enter the house and as I went to walk down our hallway I froze. I looked at hubby (who was still in the garage with munchkin in his arms) and said "someone's been inside here". He said "what do you mean" and I said "I think someone has been here". In the hall were a few boxes from the hall closet. Hubby looked at me and said "I REALLY hope those just fell down and opened the door". Then he looked in our bedroom. His choice of wording explained it all. I didn't even need to take a step closer to our bedroom. I knew.

Panic. Fear. Devastation. Feeling violated. Emotions that I don't even know how to put into words overcame me. I walked right into the office (didn't even look in our room), grabbed the phone and called 911.

After getting off the phone with 911 I was able to look at our room. It was THRASHED. My jewelry EVERYWHERE, purses EVERYWHERE, stuff from our closets - EVERYWHERE. They had been under our bed (we have one of those beds with the drawers and cubby holes underneath).

From first glance, I could tell they probably had some of my jewelry, they took hubby's gun and ammo, and I walked in the front room to see our Wii was gone too.

The police arrived quickly (although honestly, it felt like forever) and were in the room with hubby. My sister-in-law happened to call RIGHT as we got home, so she immediately came over and took care of Emily and put her to bed for us. I couldn't have been MORE grateful for that.

We had to list out what we could tell was gone and wait for the police to take fingerprints. I thought we pretty much knew what was gone until hubby walked into the kitchen where I was talking to a cop and brought out a box. My heart dropped and I said "don't tell me they took that too." They had. Our video camera and digital camera.

ALL of our memories were on that camera. It was an HD camera so we couldn't upload any of it to our computer. We also never made DVDs out of the memories *yet*. ALL of munchkin's firsts were on there. The first night we bought it was the first night she crawled. Got it on film. First steps. First foods. First words. First birthday. First time swimming. First trip to the beach. First trip to the zoo. First trip to the snow. Second trip to the snow. GONE. There was a recent video of her chasing bubbles that was just so beautiful. It was one of those "I am so lucky to be a parent" moments. GONE. There were videos of my grandma that passed last year on there playing with Emily. GONE.

Honestly, they could have ANYTHING else, but just not that. Not my memories. Not something that meant SO MUCH to me. Not my daughter's childhood. Not my memories of my grandma who I was so close with. I can't EVER get more videos of my grandma. I can't EVER get munchkin's firsts back either. It was devastating. It still is. I just want THOSE back. Keep everything else. Just give me that.

So after all the inventory, they did take jewelry, our wii and games, gun, ammo, money, purses, video camera, digital camera, luggage, and other stuff I can't even think of right now as I type this.

The other sad part...we no longer feel safe. We have a hard time sleeping. They didn't hit our office which makes me think they will be back. I am scared when hubby is on shift. They didn't take one gun so I know where that is and sleep with the lights on, the house boarded up like Fort Knox, and with a phone right next to me. I keep the baby monitor up louder than normal. I imagine all these scenarios in my head. I don't even want to leave the house because I am afraid if no one is here, it will happen again. We TRULY believe they are watching us. BOTH times it happened when all three of us were gone. It's really hard to tell when all three of us leave since I park inside. So someone HAS to be watching us. It also happened BOTH TIMES right after we left. It happened in broad daylight. No time of day is excluded. We SHOULD NOT have to live like this. We SHOULD NOT be made to feel like prisoners in our own home. But we do. I CANNOT wait to get into our new home.

The other sucky part??? We JUST cancelled our renter's insurance as of 7/1 because we were moving and figured we wouldn't need it for another year. So yeah...got screwed there too.

I am SO VERY THANKFUL we were not home when it happened. I am SO VERY THANKFUL my family is all okay. I am SO VERY THANKFUL munchkin has NO CLUE what even happened and is oblivious to it all. I am SO VERY THANKFUL they were able to pull some prints.

But it sucks. I want my memories back. I know we can make new ones...but I want THOSE ones. Call me selfish, I don't care.

So for any of you that have children or memories you never want to lose...I URGE you to back everything up. Make copies of EVERYTHING. Keep them in a safe place. I REALLY urge you to get a safe - bolt it to the floor. You ALWAYS feel so sorry for the people it happened to and always think it's too much effort to do all the extra work of backing up everything and it's unlikely it will happen to you. I was one of those people. BUt you know what...it CAN happen to you...no matter how much you lock up your house, turn on your alarm, whatever. It can happen. DON'T make our mistakes. Learn from us. Hopefully you will never have to say "I am so glad I did that" but if you do...you will have those extra precautions.

Meh.

2009-07-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

So our appraisal came back! FINALLY! But...somehow...the house appraised for MORE than the asking price. I honestly have NO CLUE how this happened. In one sense, it is GREAT and pretty much guarantees the house to us. But in the other sense, it makes me wonder how a different house, 4 doors down, SAME EXACT floor plan, corner lot, upgraded everything (which ours is not), appraised for $15k less than a month ago?????????????

I mean I totally understand the market has changed. If I wasn't personally in it, I wouldn't believe it at all. But, because we have been in the game for so long, I have personally seen things change in the blink of an eye. Bidding wars are now happening all over. Houses are going for MORE than asking. But I just don't get the whole appraisal of this house compared to the more upgraded one 4 doors down?? The ONLY thing I can think of is that the view from the house we bid on, is a *tad* nicer than the other. But, the other house doesn't have a neighbor on one side where we have neighbors on both.

So I am glad it appraised where it did - but also not happy it appraised where it did. Oh well. Not much we can do. I am TOTALLY stoked it is pretty much ours now though!

On the meh side...I am sicker than sick today. I am almost 17 weeks and am puking up my guts this morning. I don't get it. I know morning sickness can last the whole pregnancy with some people but I thought I was done with mine! I can go weeks without puking and then wake up with it ONCE AGAIN today. Meh.

Oh well...such is life. Sorry for the downer post, it's just my mood right now. Off to go relax...

Time...

2009-07-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

It seems like I just don't have time these days to get the things I need to accomplish done. Like blogging. Or even housework some days. We have been non-stop go-go-go the past...I don't even know how long. I am exhausted. Hubby is exhausted. We are definitely in need of some down time. A get away. Something. I just don't see that happening any time in the next...well...year.

Our offer was accepted on the house we bid on. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the enormous amount of paperwork that goes into buying a house would be so intense. I think we see our realtor more than we see anyone else. The munchkin knows who we are visiting as we get near his office.

We have completed our inspections on the house and everything turned out awesome! There are a few MINOR repairs that really aren't that major at all. We are talking about a jammed dishwasher. A few cracked tiles on the roof. A few cracks outside the window. Honestly, all minor things that we can fix our self.

Our next big hurdle will be the appraisal. It is appraising under what we bid which may cause some issues. We are hoping and praying that it all turns out and that the bank doesn't ask for more from us than we can give. If that happens, we will have no choice but to walk. Sigh. So...toes, fingers, eyes, legs, whatever are crossed.

Speaking of keeping your legs crossed...all is good with the new baby. Or as far as we know. We SHOULD find out the sex on the 22nd. My OB said she'd try and look for it. If not, then the 31st is the "Big" ultrasound. We are still hoping it's a boy.

I am definitely carrying this one different. I am not carrying it out front - but everywhere else. I have gained 5 pounds but it literally looks like I have gained 30. HATE IT. But what can you do. I am 16.5 weeks.

So that is the latest update. I am running late and out of time (go figure!) so this must end here.

Wishing you all a great day!

We did it!

2009-06-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

We FINALLY put a bid in on a house. We are both scared and excited at the same time. We are both imagining what it will be like to live in this new beautiful house, and also imagining how much we will be disappointed if our offer isn't accepted. We are confident our offer WILL be accepted, but then remember that the market has changed and there is a VERY good chance it won't be.

It's amazing how the market has changed out here in California in just a few short weeks. The house we are bidding for is the EXACT same layout as our "dream house" that we saw that we could not put an offer on because they already had too many. It is only four houses down from that house. It isn't as fancy as the other with all the upgrades that one had, but it does have a nicer view. The "dream" house listed for $359k and sold for $345k. Our house is listed for a similar price (I am not disclosing the actual price, come on now!) and we made our offer with $15k over asking. They then called back to inform us of multiple offers (when it had only been on the market TWO days) and told us we may want to think about raising our offer. So we did. Another $5k. That was our final offer. I CANNOT BELIEVE it's come to this out here already. With VERY limited inventory, one house gets SO MANY offers that it is insane. If you aren't offering MORE than asking price, you might as well forget it. Sigh.

Since we did not have $80k for a down payment, we got an FHA loan which can also go against us in this bidding war too. But, it also helps us if the house appraises for less than we are asking and they accept our offer, we only have to pay the appraisal price! :) (Although there are loopholes with that which I don't even want to think about right at this moment).

And the waiting game is very cruel! We could be waiting to hear back from the bank for up to 3 weeks. THREE FRIGGEN WEEKS. Cruelty I tell ya.

Is it REALLY this scary when trying to get your first house? Is it really this nerve wracking? Poor DH didn't sleep well last night thinking about it, wondering if we should have just stayed with our first price and not offer the additional $5k. Then he is worried about the FHA thing which I am too. Sigh.

So we wait. We wait and wait and wait and pray and pray and pray. I sure hope good news comes our way SOON!

Life's Lessons...

2009-06-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

I got this in an email that I have been saving in my inbox for quite some time because I wanted to put it on my blog. I then read my friend's blog today and saw she posted it as well which reminded me I needed to post it. So...I am going to FINALLY get around to doing it because I think it can benefit us all...

(By the way, I LOVE number 21!)

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.