Blah.

Yeah. This pretty much is how I feel right now. Not only has the morning sickness/barfing returned, but the weight gain? Feels INSANE.

I am ready to be done being pregnant! (I think this is about the time I usually say that!)

That's all.

Not So Politically Correct...

I guess I should be venting this elsewhere - but people work, don't have kids, don't quite *get it* sometimes - so why not vent to the entire friggen world?

Somedays...I wonder if I made a mistake. Made a mistake being pregnant again. There. There is my unpolitically correct thing to say. There is me making a statement that will draw negative attention. There is my invitation for people to bash me.

Yesterday was a REALLY difficult parenting day. It was so difficult that I ended up in tears. Yes, pathetic. A 2-year-old made me cry. Not just cry. But sob. Question myself. Doubt myself. Doubt my future as a parent. Feel stupid. Feel insecure. Feel incapable.

The kid is teething all four of her two-year molars at once. She is also definitely in her terrible twos. With hubby at work a minimum of 48 hours a week (but it's usually 72+), it makes it rough on me, especially being pregnant...and 8 months pregnant at that. The kid had a two-hour temper tantrum yesterday. TWO HOURS. STRAIGHT. I have dealt with all-day temper tantrums that were broken up by moments of my nice sweet child breaking through...never have I dealt with a temper tantrum that was full on screaming, crying, kicking, throwing for two hours straight.

I tried everything I shouldn't have. I tried being tough at first and reasoning with a 2 year old. Yeah that worked. I just laughed at myself writing that sentence out. I bargained...with a 2 year old. I pleaded...with a 2 year old. I got angry (mostly away from her)...with a 2-year old. I tried letting her "cry it out". I gave her what she was screaming for (which I am not quite sure what the heck she wanted but at the end of the temper tantrum it was her paci that she'd throw out of the crib, SCREAM AND CRY for it back, only to throw it right back out after I left the room). I tried hugging (which made her more mad). I tried getting her out of the crib (this was at nap time) because I figured she was just NOT going to sleep - but made her stay in her room. She was over-tired. I was over-stressed. Finally after the millionth time throwing her paci (which I was waiting a long time to give back to her) I told her (as I gave it back to her) that next time she threw it out - I was NOT going to give it back. Same goes for the bunny (her bunny in the crib she threw out). She said "okay...I need to go nigh nigh" and then fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

I am guessing my tone the last time about the paci being thrown out and not getting back is what she finally heard because she didn't hear it before - and yes, I know, I made the mistake of giving it back to her after I said I wouldn't. (Yes I know that was wrong...I was just at my wits end!) That, or she just wore herself out. I am telling myself it was my tone - but it probably was the exhaustion!

So I sat there after all that, and still sit here, wondering HOW the hell I am going to deal with two. Alone. Sure, hubby is here - but not as much as I am. He works A LOT. How will I deal with a newborn screaming her head off while a two-year old is screaming her head off too? How will I deal with the temper tantrums of the munchkin with a new born? How will I rest? How will I get ANYTHING done?

It's shitty that I am wondering if it was a mistake to be pregnant again. I am sure it's NOT a mistake - but I just don't know if I have it in ME to do this with TWO kids. Alone for 2-3 days a week (if not more). No husband coming home to help at night. No husband at home during the morning to help before work. Sigh. A 2 year old and a newborn. What was I thinking?

I know millions of women do this. Millions of women handle this. But not sure I have it in ME to handle a new born, a 2 year old, work at home, and just relax sometimes. I don't get much relaxation as it is now, I am sure I will get zero when the new one arrives.

I am shitty for not being excited for the new baby. And...it's not like I am NOT happy or excited. Just today (and yesterday), I am scared. I am unsure.

Accepting my reality...

Yesterday we were given the eviction date for the new baby. In exactly 10 weeks (from yesterday), our newest addition will arrive into this world. It was both an exciting moment, and one plagued with fear and sadness.

After I got all the information, I informed family members and then I looked at my daughter. I felt instant sadness and guilt. Right now she gets all the attention from us, but in just 2 months, she won't have that 100% of the time. I felt sad thinking she won't really grasp why. I think what she WILL grasp is some new baby came into the house and stole her thunder. I think she will be sad and feel left out and I don't want her feeling that way. It broke my heart (still does) to look at her and I felt guilty thinking I am the one putting that on her.

I have tried to tell her that "sister" is on the way but at 2, one can't really understand that. She understands that mommy has "a really full belly" (her words) as she pats it. She will also pat my tummy and say "that's sister right there" but I know she has no clue what that REALLY means.

For her, I feel sad. I don't ever want her to feel left out - ever. But I know there will be times she will need to learn patience because I will have to attend to a newborn over her needs sometimes. For me, I feel sad. Sad that I won't have that one on one interaction with her that I do now. I will miss her being my one and only.

I had a friend tell me she cried all the way to the hospital with her 2nd one because she felt this way - and I have a feeling I will do the same thing.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me that I keep reading. The beginning part is just so hard for me to read right now because that's how I feel. I know it will all work out, but I just feel a lot of emotions and guilt.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.

There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
--