Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

This is going to be something that I am sure my family wouldn't want me to vent about. I guess it's not really a vent but more of something that has bothered me for 30 years. I am about to celebrate the 15th anniversary of my 21st birthday and for the prior 30-31 years there's been the biggest elephant in the room.

My dad and his parents don't talk. As long as I remember - they don't talk. When my mom and dad were married (they divorced when I was 4ish/5ish) they did speak and hang out - but after they divorced - they didn't. Growing up it was my mom that took me to visit my dad's parents. Weird.

So fast forward the 30 years. My grandfather has now passed on and my grandma is still here. My dad and her have been talking and even visiting every Sunday. Honestly, you have no idea how much this just fills me up with pride, happiness, love, basically an emotion I can't put into words. It's literally a dream come true!

Neither my grandparents nor my dad have really told me why they didn't talk. Honestly, I think they don't even know why. They just didn't. My grandma thought he didn't care - he thought she didn't care.

I've seen the utter pain in my dad from this. I've seen him breakdown and lose it when my grandfather died. He had never spoke to him. He was told not to come to the funeral by my aunt (conveying the message through my mom to me and my brother to get to him). You see, my aunt and him don't talk either. I've seen the pain when meaningless birthday cards were sent between my dad and his mom. They both loved each other but both were hurt.

So now they are SLOWLY mending things. They are SLOWLY getting to know one another. My grandma is 92. I am not sure how much longer she has but I am truly happy this is going on.

But when my dad visited her recently, he informed her he would like to come down to visit her with my children and myself. She flat out told him no. On two different occasions. I am not sure why and it's been bugging me to no end. This may be selfish - but I REALLY want a 4 generation picture. I NEVER EVER even remotely thought it would be a possibility and now that it is - I want it. I WANT to witness my dad with his mom. I NEED that. But my grandma's adamant "no" has me hurt. Has me questioning what is really going on.

I'm going to be seeing her on Thursday for a visit with my girls and husband. I'm going to ask her if it's okay if I come with my dad. If she says no I am going to ask why. I'm scared. I am scared of the answer. I'm scared of getting really emotional over it. It's been a REALLY emotional thing for me for many many years. My brother lives out of state so he isn't as affected as much as I am, but he's affected too.  I'm just the one that has been in the middle of this for years and years.

I'm just really hoping that even if I don't get to witness them together, that the two of them can mend their relationship enough to make both happy when one or the other passes.  I'm glad it's going on - I just wish I could be a part of it too!

Keeping my everything crossed that Thursday goes okay and I will be able to visit my grandma with my girls AND my father really really soon!

Now tell me what's on YOUR mind...

Post It Note Tuesday...

If You Really Knew Me 2...3...4...

So I've been busy the past few days and haven't been able to keep up on my 30 days of truth.  So here you go...3 big ol' truths all in one!

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love my heart. My ability to love. My ability to love so many different things. I love helping people - out of the love in my heart. I love making others smile. I love making birthdays and holidays special for those I love. I love my family and friends with a type of love I could never explain in words, only through feelings. I love the funny little things I see my kids do...or even funny or adorable things others do. I love my husband with a love that would never be able to be captured in words. I love my friends as if they were my own brothers and sisters. I love my parents and brother with a love that once again, could never be explained in words. I love that through all my heartaches and trials and tribulations, I have never let my heart turn cold and refused to love or have forgotten how to (which sadly I have known people to do). I love the feeling of love. :)

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This needs some thinking. There are a lot of things I need to work on forgiving myself for. But I think the biggest one is I need to accept and forgive myself for not being perfect. Sounds kinda ridiculous typing that out since no one is perfect. But I tend to want to be the best wife and mom and friend and everything. But I am not. I am not going to be the perfect wife. I am not going to be the perfect mom. I am not going to be the perfect friend. I am not the perfect daughter or sister. I need to work on forgiving that in myself and to just work on being me - the me that I am...imperfections and all. That's a tough one. I hate disappointing others but I think the more I strive to be perfect for everyone else - I only end up disappointing myself.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This will actually be talked about tomorrow in my Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday. But I need to really work on forgiving my grandparents. It's a work in progress. I don't hold any hatred towards them, I just need to work on forgiving them. You can read more about it tomorrow!

Growing So Fast!

Today we took our toddler to go see a Preschool.  It's a brand new one opening up here in town.  It was kind of surreal watching her play with the toys and go down the slide.  I loved watching her but I also felt a sense of sadness.  My baby is growing up! 

I know they will grow up and before I know it - they will be my age with kids of their own.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it! 

I'm SO excited for her to enter this new phase of her life but with that comes a sense of loss.  I am losing the little girl that needed me for everything and that is now replaced by the "I want to do it all by myself" girl.  I am losing the one that liked to cuddle and she is being replaced by the one that doesn't. 

BUT I am gaining the girl that is growing up and learning new things and becoming the person she was meant to be.  I am gaining the girl that has the whole world in front of her and she's starting to discover it. 

It's a bitter/sweet day.  If I'm emotional today...I can't imagine how emotional I will be on her first day of preschool...kindergarten or high school. 

If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me...you'd know that I hate the fact that I am insecure.  I am insecure in a lot of things...looks, weight, intelligence, parenting, being a good wife, cooking, pretty much everything.  It's not a fun place to be and it's something I need to spend time working on.  A lot of time working on.  It's a constant work in progress for me. 

A lot of people have told me they had no clue I possess this negative self-image of myself.  Some know that I am shy and some know that I am not happy with how I look right now, but a lot of people don't know the real feelings behind my smile.  Nor do people know that sometimes, my smile is fake.  But...you gotta fake it 'til you make it some days and that's what I do. 

So...there you go...the first truth to all of you in this challenge.  I encourage you to play along!  You can find the list of truths right after this post.

If You Really Knew Me...

So I saw this challenge on another blog I started following and it seemed really interesting.  I encourage all of you to play along as well! 

Here is the list of truths to write about:

30 Days of Truth:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Not sure how hard or easy it will be but I think it will be a good exercise!  :)  Please join in!

Dear Mommy and Daddy...

Dear Mommy and Daddy...

I don't feel so well. I have a cold and the snot keeps dripping. I "spit up" like sissy does and it scared me some. You told me it's called "vomit" but all I know is I don't like it and I hope I am back to feeling better soon.

Mommy, I know you have a lot of things to do so thank you for getting up with me about 400 times last night. It made me feel better knowing you cared, even if you were absolutely exhausted. Thank you for holding my hand as I leaned my head over the potty. Thank you for rubbing my head and scratching my back to help me fall back asleep. Thank you for reassuring me that everything will be okay.

Daddy, I know you also have a lot of things to do today. You are my hero daddy. I'm sorry I puked all over you last night. Thank you for not making me feel bad about it and for helping me out by cleaning me up and showing me where the "spit up"...err..."vomit" goes. Daddy, I love you so much and I'm so glad you make me feel safe and secure and work hard for us.

I woke up feeling better this morning, full of energy, but didn't feel like eating. I hope I am getting better. Sissy seems better, hers only lasted about a day and a half. That means it isn't too much longer for me!

By the way Mommy...I know you had a different letter planned for the Writer's Workshop but I think this one is more fitting just because you didn't get any sleep last night! Hope your readers understand!

Love,

Munchkin

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I think the one thing I always question is myself. Am I good enough? I guess that can be from childhood issues or what have you - but I seriously question these kinds of things.

The one I struggle with the most is if I am a good enough mom. Do I give my kids what they need? Not in material things but in emotional things. I can't be two places at once, although I try. Today was especially difficult. I have a sick baby and a toddler who needs my attention. (By the way - I am writing this Tuesday night as I am about to have my own personal meltdown from today's events). The baby just cried her heart out all.day.long. The toddler was really good and understanding as toddler's can be. The TV helped me out A LOT today. More than I would ever admit. But what can I do when the baby would just cry and cry and scream if I laid her down, and god forbid, laid her down and left the room. I understand she has a plethora of snot and a small fever but even I need a break sometimes.

My toddler had tantrums today. I know it was just because she needed me and I couldn't be there like she needed me. I am sad. I feel like I failed her. I feel like if Super Nanny were here she'd be yelling at me and telling me everything I did was completely wrong and damaging. What's worse? My toddler said she hated me the other day. She said it in her room but the monitor was on. She said "I hate mommy". My heart still breaks just thinking about that. I know she was mad because she didn't want to go to bed and I doubt she meant it and I KNOW that won't be the last time she says it. But at 3? Seriously? How does she know what that means?

I miss her. I miss just her and I. I don't get her and I time that much anymore. It's something I need to do my best to do. Leave the house with just her and I. But, she's SUCH a daddy's girl, I'm not too sure how well she'd welcome that idea. When he comes home from shift, I am chopped liver. I guess I just need to do it and see. After all, I am the adult here, aren't I? No really...am I? Today I feel like a lost soul. Not an adult. Not a child. Just lost.

Tomorrow is another day and  I know these feelings won't be so intense.  It's just been a difficult day.  But I will still question if I am raising my kids well enough.  I will still wonder if they will end up in therapy because of me.  I watch that show Intervention and I fear my kids will be one of those people because of something I have done.  Irrational?  Probably.  But I wonder these things.  And hey...it's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday - so I'm allowed to wonder these things today!

Here's to a MUCH better tomorrow!

Now go and tell me what has been on YOUR mind by participating in:

Stick It Where The Sun Don't Shine!

Today's 36 year old tantrum brought to you by:

The Pressure! The Pressure!

So I about panicked when I read my email from MamaKat this morning and saw that she picked one of MY writing prompts for her assignment this week. Not only has this blog been neglected but well...it just needs an overhaul. No sleep and two kids makes it hard to get here but I need to do some blogging so here I go! :)

We've been one busy family! This past weekend was an amazing one! I was so fortunate to meet up with some amazing mommy-friends and share some good quality time with their amazing selves and their precious precious children.

The munchkin had a BLAST with all her friends and is still talking about it!








After the playdate we made or way up to the fair. The hubby was working at the Firefighter Corn Booth and I was blessed to spend some time with our friends and their adorable son. Emily was super tired and looked like she wasn't having any fun but she still is talking about the fair too!




I have so many more pictures from days passed to upload. I'm just exhausted today. I also have maybe a few thought-provoking posts to add as well...when my mind can actually function correctly. So here's hoping for good blogging the next few days!

Also...be sure to keep checking MamaKat's blog to see when she posts her writing prompts. I highly recommend trying the first prompt once they are posted! :)