Reflecting

Back and forth and back and forth...you are swinging quietly in your swing, not a care in the world. You are so precious, so innocent. You depend on me for your life. I feed you. I bathe you. I hold you. I rock you. We dance, I sing. Your blue eyes are taking everything in. My face. Your own reflection. Your sister. Your daddy. I enjoy nursing you. I enjoy our bond. You are my second born, my youngest, my sweet sweet newborn. I look at you and wonder what you will look like when you reach your sister's age. I wonder what your personality will be like. I wonder if you actually will have blonde hair. I am pretty confident you will keep your blue eyes. I wonder what you will love to do. I wonder what will make you giggle. I can't wait to find out. You are everything to me.

Sitting next to me, playing your latest obsession, you are my precious precious first born. When you were born you looked JUST like your daddy. Today as I watched you dance, talk to me, and play, I realized you look like me at that age. Your new haircut, your big eyes, your skin tone. I see me in you so much more. I am truly honored. You are so beautiful, so sweet, so funny, so perfect. I worry about you. I worry for the first day of preschool. I worry you will be scared or sad to be on your own. I want to do everything to protect you from any sadness, any anxiety, any pain. You mean the world to me. I sometimes look at you and wonder what you will look like on the first day of kindergarten, as a teenager, as a high-schooler about to graduate. I wonder if you will become a dancer like I was growing up, or if you will be a tomboy and ride motorcycles like your daddy. I also wonder if you will do both. I envision myself watching you at a dance recital. I daydream about what it will be like to watch you at your first school play, where you are a banana or an apple, or a tree. Oh how proud I will be. I am curious about how you will react to Disneyland. Oh how I hope we can go this year. You make me so proud. You fill my heart with more than you can ever imagine. You are my heart and soul.

As I sit here and look around, I am thankful. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the two beautiful children my husband gave me. Thankful that he made it all possible for us to live in a beautiful home with nice things. He has made sure our girls are taken care of. He has made sure I am taken care of too. It's always a huge adjustment with a newborn but he has done all he can to make it easier. He's listened to me bitch, whine, put up with my moodiness because I haven't slept much lately and I am constantly whipping out my boob to feed the baby. Sometimes it seems too much but he's there, listening to me, not judging. He works a lot (he's gone for a 72 hour shift right now) and although I swear he will never know how tiring it is to watch both kids or how hard it is...I understand it's as equally hard for him too. He may not sleep during his shift. He is saving lives while risking his own. I am truly proud of him. I love him more than he'll ever know. More than I tell him. I neglect to tell him how much he means to me and I grow comfortable with how things are. But I love him. With everything in me. With all my heart and soul.

It's a good thing to take a step back, look around, and be thankful. I rarely take the time to do that anymore. I forget what life is all about sometimes. Life is about these two precious humans next to me. Life is a beautiful family. I am the luckiest woman. I am truly happy.