NOT meant for bed rest

So just a quick update for family and friends...

Went to my usual NST appointment on Friday. They measured the fluid before hooking me up to the machines to test heart rate and contractions. Fluid was down again to a 6. The tech said she'd remeasure after the test to see if we could get it higher.

It wasn't.

So back on bed rest until my appointment on Monday.

We will then re-evaluate to see if I have more fluid and go from there. Sigh.

Hoping for better results tomorrow and getting OFF bed rest. I suck at it! And bed rest with a 2 year old and a husband on shift???? Are they insane? THANK GOD for the help I have had! :)

Weekly Assignment

So another week of Mama Kat's assignments that I feel compelled to do! :)

1.) Describe the best/most creative punishment you have ever given your children or received yourself.

2.) Tell a friend or family members story as if it happened to you.

3.) Tell a story about a moment in time when you were so happy you were you and not someone else in the room.

4.) I picked up the phone and I could not believe what I was hearing...

5.) Show us something you did yourself!

I think this week I want to do two of them. Both are interesting. Okay...one is totally childish, but it still makes me totally laugh!

The first one I am going to do is #4.

There was a time when I worked at a law office specializing in divorce (this was before I had my own paralegal practice). The phone rang and I answered it like I normally did "Law office". Yes, that's how us law folks answer. Not very personable.

I hear our client on the other end (I came to recognize his voice A LOT) saying "she's in there with my brother right now!" I asked him what was going on. He said "she's in there with my brother and I am going to stab her when she comes out!" I talked to him, telling him to calm down and that he should put the knife down and leave. He said "no...they are ready to come out...I am going to stab her! I am going to kill her!" I said "[insert name] please don't do anything stupid...it's NOT worth it...just walk out". Next thing I heard was some rumbling with the phone, him yelling "here she comes!" and TONS of screaming before the line went dead. We called 911 but since we didn't know where they were or what exactly was going on, they couldn't help.

Our client stabbed his wife (that filed for divorce) over 27 times. He spent time in prison for his crime. The sad part??? She came in a few months later with all her stab wounds on her face, neck, arms, etc and dismissed the entire divorce so she could work it out with him. It is something that sticks with me to this day and will stick with me probably forever. The sounds were horrible. DEFINITELY couldn't believe what I was hearing on the other end of the phone that day.

So now I am going backward to #3, which is a happier ending...

My sister in law and I took up yoga through the adult education center in our local town. We are both 35 (okay she is 34 still but only for a few more days) and I think we were just a few years younger when we took it. Everything was fine. I tend to get giggly over a lot of things when taking yoga but this time...I was able to keep my giggles in...shaking...sweating...trying to keep them in - but I kept them in.

We were starting to warm down for the night and were doing a pose. There was a lady right in front of the SIL and her husband/boyfriend in front of me. Whatever pose we were doing required your tush to be out in the air and as the room was totally silent...the poor lady let one rip. Now it wasn't a quiet one by any means. It was one sooooooooo loud, sooooooo embarrassing that if it had been me...I would have just took my yoga mat and walked out right then and there and never ever came back.


I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT look at the SIL. I knew if I did - I'd lose it. I'd laugh so hard that I would have to leave. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she looked at me a few times and as we were in our final pose of the night...totally silent and relaxing...both of us were sitting there shaking trying so hard not to laugh. Yes, we are childish.

As soon as class was over - she looked at me - I looked at her - we RAN to our shoes - didn't even roll up our mats - JUMPED in the car and hightailed it out of there. Meanwhile...we laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until we were crying and just about drooling. We could not catch our breath. It was friggen hilarious!!! To this day - we can still laugh and laugh and laugh about it as if it happened the day before! :)

The poor lady never came back to class after that and that is DEFINITELY one time I was glad it was someone else and not me! :)

I Love You...

I have not done a writer's work shop via Mama Kat in ages. But since she twisted my arm with these prompts - I want to do it this week.

The prompts were:

1.) Describe something you're proud of.

2.) Tell me your most humorous wedding experience

3.) 10 reasons why you can't sleep at night

4.) Describe an experience that you wish you could shake from your memory.

5.) Write a love letter to the object of your affection.

I can write on all of them - except maybe number 2. I am proud of so many things and narrowing it down seemed too hard for me today...because of number 3. I can't sleep at night. I didn't get hardly any sleep last night and number 3 would be the easiest choice because it seems like a nightly occurrence. The experience I wish I could shake from memory I could write about - but it's 2-fold. I am glad I was there to experience but can break out in tears suddenly for no reason thinking about it. But number 5...I have been thinking of doing for quite some time. So that's what I pick.

I know this should probably go to my husband - and don't worry - he'll get one. But this one, is to my daughter.

Dear Emily...

I am writing you this letter today because I know in just a few short weeks you will become a big sister. This is SUCH an exciting time for you and I know you will make an EXCELLENT sister. You are such a brilliant, beautiful, funny, loving, joyous two-year-old and now you will add the role of "sister" to that.

Mommy is so proud of you for all that you are and all that you will become. I could NEVER imagine my life without you. You have touched me so profoundly and no words could ever express how much love I have within my heart for you.

I am going to be honest, I am nervous for when your sister arrives. I worry that you may feel left out or that you may feel that mommy and daddy don't love you as much. I worry that you may feel that we like your sister more than you. I want you to know that will NEVER EVER EVER be the case. Newborns are a lot of work (believe it or not you were too!) and they cannot speak or act out their needs in the way you can. They do not understand as well as you do and they require a lot of attention. But I want you to know that NOTHING will EVER replace my love for you. EVER.

Your sister is going to become a part of this family and we will all learn how much bigger our hearts can become. I never thought it would be possible to have more love in my heart, but I know your sister will provide that for ALL of us.

You will continue to make Mommy proud each and every day. My love for you will grow deeper every single second of the day. You will be AMAZING and will be so helpful. You will ALWAYS be Mommy's precious little girl. Mommy will ALWAYS be there for you - whatever it is you need. My love will NEVER disappear or change - only grow deeper.

I cannot thank the Lord enough for bringing YOU into my life. You have made me the woman I am today. You have taught me SO much in your two short years. You have made my life more joyous, more beautiful and more perfect just by being born. I love you so very very much and will continue to do so every single second of every single day.

Thank you for being MY daughter. I am looking forward to this journey with you.

I love you with all of my heart...

Mommy

Just a little hiccup...

First...sorry it's been a while. I owe family and friends photos from about 3 months worth of collecting. Probably more than 3 months now that I think about it. But I will get to it...soon enough - I promise.

Halloween was SO MUCH FUN with the little one. Those will be some of the promised pics I will be putting up - and I think they deserve a blog of their own. So give me a few days (translated into about a week or so). :)

Recently we had a little scare with the pregnancy. I was AMAZED at how calm I remained. I just didn't want to worry. I guess because I hadn't been given ALL the information.

At any rate, had my regular OB appointment on Wednesday the 28th (could be Wednesday - maybe it was a Thursday - at any rate - it was the 28th). Went in, everything checked out okay. As the appointment was coming to a close I figured I better tell my doctor something that had concerned me - just to be safe. So I mentioned that when we had our last 3d/4d that the tech had mentioned I don't have as much fluid as most women, but not as little as some have had. My doctor immediately decided to give me an ultrasound just to make sure all was okay.

The next words out of her mouth were "looks like you just bought a ticket to L&D". I guess my amniotic fluid was EXTREMELY low. She also had to do a pelvic (oh those are fun!) to make sure no fluid was leaking to cause the low amniotic fluid. None was.

As she was writing my orders, she was also explaining that IF I needed to deliver right away there were certain hospitals I'd go to and was sure everything would be fine. Okay. Whatever. I am not going to worry.

I waddle on over to L&D and the midwife was there to greet me. They said I needed to get my own room. YAY for not having to go to triage and be concealed behind a curtain! So I got myself comfy and they hooked me up to the monitors for the heart beat and contractions. Took blood and brought me gallons (literally) of water to drink. Okay. Whatever. Can't be THAT bad.

But time kept going on and on and I hadn't heard anything. I called my husband to come down because I was a little worried (after the midwife explained when I got there about having to be delivered early). But I was in the mode of keeping my husband calm that I just didn't let it affect me.

Then...we FINALLY found a nurse to let us know what was going on (since it was going on 5 hours). He came in to explain that amniotic fluid levels should be at least at 10. That was optimal. He explained anything below an 8 is cause for concern. He explained the hospital I would be transferred to would be a GREAT hospital and I'd be happy there. HAPPY??? DID HE SAY HAPPY?????

I then asked where my fluid level was. He wasn't sure but went to check. Came back and told me 4.8. Well no wonder why everyone was concerned. Now...although I tried not to show it...I was concerned.

Husband had to leave to put the kid to bed (his sister came over to relieve him) and FINALLY the doctor came in. Measured fluid 3 times and was happy enough with a level of 9 to send me home. Guess the gallons of water helped.

This past Friday (10/30) I noticed the baby not moving much. I tried again not to worry too much but with the fluid scare - I was a tad more nervous than I normally would have been. I did everything I was suppose to - ate, walked around - ate something sweet - drank something cold. The MOST kicks I got in an hour were 5. So back to L&D I went.

They monitored me for a bit - the baby was asleep when I got there but woke up about 15 minutes into my stay. They said the baby was probably sleeping a lot today which could be the reason for not feeling a lot of movement. They also did the ultrasound to measure levels again. This time - it was a 7.1 which she was okay with. Sent me home. Took my off bed rest.

Needless to say, I am confused. But I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can learn what numbers to be concerned with and what numbers not to be concerned with. I will have testing two times a week which I am okay with if they can check on my fluid and not deliver this little one too early.

But now? I am scared. I seem to get dehydrated even if I have literally drank 16 glasses of water. (Okay 8 glasses - but 16 ounce glasses). I have been getting pretty dizzy lately for no reason. Today? I just about passed out while the kid was napping. I made myself lay down and just waited until it passed. I wasn't doing anything to exert myself when it happened either. So I wonder. I wonder about fluid levels. I wonder if the baby is okay. I wonder if she will come early. I wonder if it was a fluke about the fluid levels or if this will be an ongoing thing until I deliver. I just wonder. I do my best to stay positive...but it's hard. It's difficult without answers. It's difficult without someone telling me "it will be just fine". It's difficult not being able to exert myself with my 2 year old like I had been.

But I do my best. That is all I can do. I NEED to learn to take care of me - something I rarely do. In fact...I always put others before me - but now...it's time for them to put me first and help me out when I need it. I find that isn't always easy but I find it's needed.

Hoping tomorrow brings answers, good answers, calming answers.

Blah.

Yeah. This pretty much is how I feel right now. Not only has the morning sickness/barfing returned, but the weight gain? Feels INSANE.

I am ready to be done being pregnant! (I think this is about the time I usually say that!)

That's all.

Not So Politically Correct...

I guess I should be venting this elsewhere - but people work, don't have kids, don't quite *get it* sometimes - so why not vent to the entire friggen world?

Somedays...I wonder if I made a mistake. Made a mistake being pregnant again. There. There is my unpolitically correct thing to say. There is me making a statement that will draw negative attention. There is my invitation for people to bash me.

Yesterday was a REALLY difficult parenting day. It was so difficult that I ended up in tears. Yes, pathetic. A 2-year-old made me cry. Not just cry. But sob. Question myself. Doubt myself. Doubt my future as a parent. Feel stupid. Feel insecure. Feel incapable.

The kid is teething all four of her two-year molars at once. She is also definitely in her terrible twos. With hubby at work a minimum of 48 hours a week (but it's usually 72+), it makes it rough on me, especially being pregnant...and 8 months pregnant at that. The kid had a two-hour temper tantrum yesterday. TWO HOURS. STRAIGHT. I have dealt with all-day temper tantrums that were broken up by moments of my nice sweet child breaking through...never have I dealt with a temper tantrum that was full on screaming, crying, kicking, throwing for two hours straight.

I tried everything I shouldn't have. I tried being tough at first and reasoning with a 2 year old. Yeah that worked. I just laughed at myself writing that sentence out. I bargained...with a 2 year old. I pleaded...with a 2 year old. I got angry (mostly away from her)...with a 2-year old. I tried letting her "cry it out". I gave her what she was screaming for (which I am not quite sure what the heck she wanted but at the end of the temper tantrum it was her paci that she'd throw out of the crib, SCREAM AND CRY for it back, only to throw it right back out after I left the room). I tried hugging (which made her more mad). I tried getting her out of the crib (this was at nap time) because I figured she was just NOT going to sleep - but made her stay in her room. She was over-tired. I was over-stressed. Finally after the millionth time throwing her paci (which I was waiting a long time to give back to her) I told her (as I gave it back to her) that next time she threw it out - I was NOT going to give it back. Same goes for the bunny (her bunny in the crib she threw out). She said "okay...I need to go nigh nigh" and then fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

I am guessing my tone the last time about the paci being thrown out and not getting back is what she finally heard because she didn't hear it before - and yes, I know, I made the mistake of giving it back to her after I said I wouldn't. (Yes I know that was wrong...I was just at my wits end!) That, or she just wore herself out. I am telling myself it was my tone - but it probably was the exhaustion!

So I sat there after all that, and still sit here, wondering HOW the hell I am going to deal with two. Alone. Sure, hubby is here - but not as much as I am. He works A LOT. How will I deal with a newborn screaming her head off while a two-year old is screaming her head off too? How will I deal with the temper tantrums of the munchkin with a new born? How will I rest? How will I get ANYTHING done?

It's shitty that I am wondering if it was a mistake to be pregnant again. I am sure it's NOT a mistake - but I just don't know if I have it in ME to do this with TWO kids. Alone for 2-3 days a week (if not more). No husband coming home to help at night. No husband at home during the morning to help before work. Sigh. A 2 year old and a newborn. What was I thinking?

I know millions of women do this. Millions of women handle this. But not sure I have it in ME to handle a new born, a 2 year old, work at home, and just relax sometimes. I don't get much relaxation as it is now, I am sure I will get zero when the new one arrives.

I am shitty for not being excited for the new baby. And...it's not like I am NOT happy or excited. Just today (and yesterday), I am scared. I am unsure.

Accepting my reality...

Yesterday we were given the eviction date for the new baby. In exactly 10 weeks (from yesterday), our newest addition will arrive into this world. It was both an exciting moment, and one plagued with fear and sadness.

After I got all the information, I informed family members and then I looked at my daughter. I felt instant sadness and guilt. Right now she gets all the attention from us, but in just 2 months, she won't have that 100% of the time. I felt sad thinking she won't really grasp why. I think what she WILL grasp is some new baby came into the house and stole her thunder. I think she will be sad and feel left out and I don't want her feeling that way. It broke my heart (still does) to look at her and I felt guilty thinking I am the one putting that on her.

I have tried to tell her that "sister" is on the way but at 2, one can't really understand that. She understands that mommy has "a really full belly" (her words) as she pats it. She will also pat my tummy and say "that's sister right there" but I know she has no clue what that REALLY means.

For her, I feel sad. I don't ever want her to feel left out - ever. But I know there will be times she will need to learn patience because I will have to attend to a newborn over her needs sometimes. For me, I feel sad. Sad that I won't have that one on one interaction with her that I do now. I will miss her being my one and only.

I had a friend tell me she cried all the way to the hospital with her 2nd one because she felt this way - and I have a feeling I will do the same thing.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me that I keep reading. The beginning part is just so hard for me to read right now because that's how I feel. I know it will all work out, but I just feel a lot of emotions and guilt.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.

There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
--

I AM...

This is an oldie but a goodie...and one that fits perfectly today...

I AM...

I am thankful. This has not always been an easy walk for me.

I am disappointed. We have missed family gatherings, weddings, dinner engagements, birthday parties, and holidays because of shift schedules and overtime.

I am patient. There have been dinners spent at the firehouse waiting for Daddy to return from a call while the kids get cranky and the food gets cold.

I am nervous. I awake at 3:00 A.M. hearing creaks in the house and don't have the comfort of my husband beside me.

I am tired. The house is full of sick kids and there is no relief in site because Daddy is on a seventy-two-hour shift.

I am jealous. Jealous of all the women whose husbands came home at 5:00 P.M. to have dinner and hold them at the end of their day.

I am worried. I worry that he may not come home one day. This I try to tuck away.

I am content. We have decided to give up my career so I can stay home and raise our children. We no longer have an abundance of money or things. It is the greatest freedom I have ever known.

I am incompetent. There was a time when I considered myself moderately intelligent. I now struggle to remember where I left my car keys, the diaper bag, and, occasionally, the baby.

I am waiting. Knowing the phone may one day ring for me.

I am doubting. Doubting that God hears all my prayers. Doubting I am the kind of wife and mother He needs me to be.

I am trusting. Trusting that my husband will come home again.

I am confident, I am embarrassed, I am lonely, I am surprised, I am overworked, I am underpaid.

I am...The Fireman's Wife.

Family Tradition I Suppose?

Yesterday hubby, munchkin and I were able to squeeze in a 3D/4D ultrasound. I was so excited to go and see what the new baby looks like!

She is definitely still a she. She has 10 fingers and 10 toes. She is SOOOOO cute. I know this because she is mine. But...

I couldn't really tell just how incredibly adorable she is. Those cute little fingers and toes were in front of her face the whole time. No matter how many times I rolled around or coughed, she kept her face covered. The munchkin did the same thing!

We got SOME profiles (or shall I say...partial profiles) and she looks like she has chubby cheeks - like the munchkin! :) Other than that...she is done with the paparazzi looking at her. Both of our daughters didn't want anything to do with giving a us a preview.

We will go back in three weeks to try again and we are PRAYING for better results.

Here are some for you to try and decipher for now...


Yeah...can't tell what this is. But I assure you, it's all those fingers and toes blocking the face.



Sort of the side of her face...probably hard to make out for most of you...



And that's pretty much it. That's all we can really see. Sigh.

PRAYING the next go-round turns out a lot better! If not...well...we'll just have to be patient like we were with the munchkin! :)

27 weeks

Here we are just a week shy of the third trimester. Lots of changes have taken place in the last few days it seems like.

First...morning sickness has returned. So unfair if you ask me. But each morning, I get the wonderful sickness of pregnancy.

Second...the fatigue has returned, accompanied with not being able to pick up things off the floor as easily, or even put on pants as easily.

Third...in the last 2 days...the belly has REALLY grown. I am not sure what that is all about - but as of Friday, it was noticeable. Not only to me, but to everyone else.

It's scary to think that my belly is going to get bigger. I know it will because that's just what happens. But how scary! It's already uncomfortable!

The baby supposedly weighs 2 pounds now and as far as we know, all is going well.

We FINALLY ordered all the furniture and am praying it arrives in time.

I have my one hour glucose test Thursday the 24th and am praying to pass that. I didn't have problems with the kid (aka the munchkin) with gestational diabetes but this pregnancy is also different than it was with the kid.

So we will see. Hoping to have a 3d/4d done soon too! Once we do, I'll be sure to post pictures! :)