Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I decided to join in on Mama Kat's assignment LAST week...however that has become an epic FAIL! I was battling a headache, battling the 3rd and 4th of July and just spending time with those I love (so okay - that's not a fail). And...well...I've just been lazy. But since the post is still staring at me - I'll finish it!

The assignment is to list 10 things that can make me smile when I am not happy. Easy peasy. By the way - these are in NO particular order!

Yup! My little girl is potty trained...for the most part! Pull ups for nap and night time but this morning she woke up mostly dry and at nap she was completely dry! Still having problems with getting poop in the potty - but I am ONE PROUD MOMMA!

This picture really does NO justice to this sunset! It was by far the reddest sunset I have ever seen. This is the view I am blessed with each night (this picture was taken kind of late). I absolutely love the sunsets each night!

Cute sleeping baby!

The munchkin having fun getting dirty!

The love of my life

Enough said.

Hiking at my favorite place - Big Basin in Santa Cruz, CA

ESPECIALLY this morning!

Sunset and the ocean together! :)

Again...enough said.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Farting and Snorting when Laughing

Today is Father's Day. I can say I am truly blessed to have wonderful men in my life. My dad, my step-dad and my father-in-law are great men who, despite adversities in their lives - have stepped up to the plate and have loved me for who I am, and more importantly, who I am not. I am truly truly truly grateful for them. I could NEVER express my love for them in words - but it's felt...deeply.

I'm also blessed to have picked the RIGHT husband to father my children. My husband is THE most dedicated father. He LOVES those little girls more than anything. The best part? It shows. Everyone sees it. Most importantly, the girls not only see it, but feel it too!

I love the way he parents our children. His patience is WAY better than mine. He is the most silliest dad and can always make them laugh. He wrestles and tickles and makes them fart and snort when laughing. The way that both of the girls light up when they see him is heartwarming.

It's a blessing to have children with this man. I am blessed. I am happy. I wouldn't want it any other way!

Here are some pics I took of the girls for Father's Day...

As it was pointed out to me on facebook, her bangs look super crooked. They aren't. Trust me. They are just the product of a 2 year old smashing her head in the ground like her sister, running her hands through her hair, rolling around, and having cowlicks...all while trying to take pictures!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Growing Up...

Allison had her six month well-baby appointment yesterday. She is growing so well! I have been worried about it because I was not able to breastfeed Emily due to severe MSPI and have been successful with Allison for six months thus far. Honestly - it feels GREAT to say that!'s a whole new experience to breastfeed this long so I never know how she is doing. Emily was a chunkster because she was on formula and Allison isn't as chunky as Emily was. BUT she's doing good with her growth - even with MSPI!

She is now 16.1 pounds and 26 inches long! She is in the 50th percentile for weight and dropped from the 90th percentile for height to the 75th. Doctor said she looks great! :)

I took this picture yesterday while she was napping in our bed. She looks so comfortable!

Friday, June 11, 2010


It seems like things have been moving in warp-speed yet in slow motion all at once.

The baby is already SIX months old! She turned 6 months on the 7th. How did that even happen? Wasn't she just born a month ago? That's what it seems least to me. It's funny, the older you get...the faster time moves.

The munchkin is still not potty trained. It's been a source of frustration but we are working on it. There are two things kids have 100% control over...what goes into their body and what comes out. I have this weird feeling she will be 12, in diapers. I mean, thank goodness for adult diapers I suppose. She will get it...won't she? Or rather...she will WANT to get it...right?

I must admit that lately I've been feeling like a crappy parent. I am exhausted. For whatever reason Emily has been waking up throughout the night - almost every single damn night. It's not just once...but usually no less than five times (and saying 5 times is low). So I am up with her every half hour and then feeding Allison. Once I am done feeding Allison I can fall asleep only to be woken up for the day an hour later. I've been averaging about two hours of sleep a night. That's enough to make anyone crazy. How I make it through the day is beyond me...but I do. I've rediscovered caffeine.

I haven't been actively playing with the toddler as much as usual because I am just SO tired. Today was a day running on 1.5 hours of sleep so she watched more tv than I usually allow her to. Also, the baby was screaming her head off today for a good portion of it. Those damn teeth. They are so mean. I wish they'd pop through already so she could feel better. Poor thing. Excess tv, crying baby, whining toddler...but I just want to sleep and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel selfish. I feel guilty I am not being a better mother today but it's taking everything in me to even keep my eyes open, to even stand up.

I feel guilty I am not as available for the toddler as I use to be because I have to tend to the baby. I feel guilty the baby doesn't get as much time because I have to tend to the toddler. I feel guilty that it's difficult for me to go out in public with a toddler and a baby all by myself. I do it though. I strap the baby on and throw the toddler in the cart but that is usually a struggle with either the baby not wanting to be worn or the toddler just being 2 and acting it. I feel guilty I haven't figured out the simple solution...the easy solution....the comfortable one. I feel like all eyes are on me as I walk through the store with crying kids. I am *that* mom that I feared. The one with the screaming kid (and believe me - it's not every time - but when it DOES happen I feel full of anxiety). I never *got* it before having my own kids. I always wondered why the parent couldn't control their kid and I vowed to NEVER have *that* kid in public. Now I know better. I can just laugh and shake my head and remind myself she's two (or a baby if it's the baby) and at times I've been known to say that out loud to the gawkers.

I feel guilty I don't spend as much time with the husband lately. By the time the kids are in bed - we can have us time. Sadly, with 2 hours of sleep...I'd rather have time with my pillow. NOT saying I don't love my husband and miss him something fierce...because I do. I really really really do. We need to reconnect so badly. I yearn for the nights to just sit - glass of wine - talk - laugh - relax. I yearn for the backyard fire pit and just talking and reconnecting. But I just NEED to sleep so we can ALL be happy. The rare occasion that I DO stay up - it's a horrible night with kids that are awake or him snoring. It's inevitable...stay up late - don't sleep - miserable the next day. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Even if I shook the husband awake to deal with the toddler - or to turn over - I'd still be woken up. I'm a light sleeper so I'm just going to wake up.

The husband usually encourages me to take a nap - so I try. I really really try. But I can't sleep. I think it's because I am just OVER tired. That...or because as I said...I'm a really light sleeper.

Two kids is tough. I didn't think it would be. I envisioned the happy go lucky family with giggles and tantrums that just roll off your back. I envisioned the toddler loving all things little sister and all of us happy all the time (or most of it). I envisioned just like the movies - and I know better - but I did picture it to be that way. And it will be easier the older the baby gets - but it's hard for me with the husband gone at work lately. But I'll hurdle it - I always do. :)

And I am sure I don't NEED to say this because those that know me - know this...but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't. No matter how much I vent or complain. No matter how much I whine or bitch. I LOVE those little boogers (and they are sick right now so there are lots of boogers) more than anything on this planet. I also love that big booger known as my husband. It's just hard sometimes. I worry. I worry I am screwing the kids up. I worry I will be their cause for therapy. This mom stuff...hardest job I have ever had!

Am I the only mom that has ever felt this way? Because most days - I think I am.

But come on...with all the feelings of guilt and all the thoughts of "am I royally screwing up their lives" - nothing compares to the love for these two...NOTHING:

And by the way (I know you aren't suppose to start sentences with "And" - but I do because it's my blog and I can!) - I'm sorry for the downer post. Just being real with how I have been feeling lately. I know it won't always be like this! I started this post yesterday and since I actually SLEPT last night - I am MUCH happier today! We ALL are! Happy toddler - happy baby - happy mommy! :) YAY!

I promise to bring you happier posts in the near future! :)