Friday, June 11, 2010

Guilt...

It seems like things have been moving in warp-speed yet in slow motion all at once.

The baby is already SIX months old! She turned 6 months on the 7th. How did that even happen? Wasn't she just born a month ago? That's what it seems like...at least to me. It's funny, the older you get...the faster time moves.

The munchkin is still not potty trained. It's been a source of frustration but we are working on it. There are two things kids have 100% control over...what goes into their body and what comes out. I have this weird feeling she will be 12, in diapers. I mean, thank goodness for adult diapers I suppose. She will get it...won't she? Or rather...she will WANT to get it...right?

I must admit that lately I've been feeling like a crappy parent. I am exhausted. For whatever reason Emily has been waking up throughout the night - almost every single damn night. It's not just once...but usually no less than five times (and saying 5 times is low). So I am up with her every half hour and then feeding Allison. Once I am done feeding Allison I can fall asleep only to be woken up for the day an hour later. I've been averaging about two hours of sleep a night. That's enough to make anyone crazy. How I make it through the day is beyond me...but I do. I've rediscovered caffeine.

I haven't been actively playing with the toddler as much as usual because I am just SO tired. Today was a day running on 1.5 hours of sleep so she watched more tv than I usually allow her to. Also, the baby was screaming her head off today for a good portion of it. Those damn teeth. They are so mean. I wish they'd pop through already so she could feel better. Poor thing. Excess tv, crying baby, whining toddler...but I just want to sleep and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel selfish. I feel guilty I am not being a better mother today but it's taking everything in me to even keep my eyes open, to even stand up.

I feel guilty I am not as available for the toddler as I use to be because I have to tend to the baby. I feel guilty the baby doesn't get as much time because I have to tend to the toddler. I feel guilty that it's difficult for me to go out in public with a toddler and a baby all by myself. I do it though. I strap the baby on and throw the toddler in the cart but that is usually a struggle with either the baby not wanting to be worn or the toddler just being 2 and acting it. I feel guilty I haven't figured out the simple solution...the easy solution....the comfortable one. I feel like all eyes are on me as I walk through the store with crying kids. I am *that* mom that I feared. The one with the screaming kid (and believe me - it's not every time - but when it DOES happen I feel full of anxiety). I never *got* it before having my own kids. I always wondered why the parent couldn't control their kid and I vowed to NEVER have *that* kid in public. Now I know better. I can just laugh and shake my head and remind myself she's two (or a baby if it's the baby) and at times I've been known to say that out loud to the gawkers.

I feel guilty I don't spend as much time with the husband lately. By the time the kids are in bed - we can have us time. Sadly, with 2 hours of sleep...I'd rather have time with my pillow. NOT saying I don't love my husband and miss him something fierce...because I do. I really really really do. We need to reconnect so badly. I yearn for the nights to just sit - glass of wine - talk - laugh - relax. I yearn for the backyard fire pit and just talking and reconnecting. But I just NEED to sleep so we can ALL be happy. The rare occasion that I DO stay up - it's a horrible night with kids that are awake or him snoring. It's inevitable...stay up late - don't sleep - miserable the next day. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Even if I shook the husband awake to deal with the toddler - or to turn over - I'd still be woken up. I'm a light sleeper so I'm just going to wake up.

The husband usually encourages me to take a nap - so I try. I really really try. But I can't sleep. I think it's because I am just OVER tired. That...or because as I said...I'm a really light sleeper.

Two kids is tough. I didn't think it would be. I envisioned the happy go lucky family with giggles and tantrums that just roll off your back. I envisioned the toddler loving all things little sister and all of us happy all the time (or most of it). I envisioned just like the movies - and I know better - but I did picture it to be that way. And it will be easier the older the baby gets - but it's hard for me with the husband gone at work lately. But I'll hurdle it - I always do. :)

And I am sure I don't NEED to say this because those that know me - know this...but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't. No matter how much I vent or complain. No matter how much I whine or bitch. I LOVE those little boogers (and they are sick right now so there are lots of boogers) more than anything on this planet. I also love that big booger known as my husband. It's just hard sometimes. I worry. I worry I am screwing the kids up. I worry I will be their cause for therapy. This mom stuff...hardest job I have ever had!

Am I the only mom that has ever felt this way? Because most days - I think I am.

But come on...with all the feelings of guilt and all the thoughts of "am I royally screwing up their lives" - nothing compares to the love for these two...NOTHING:



And by the way (I know you aren't suppose to start sentences with "And" - but I do because it's my blog and I can!) - I'm sorry for the downer post. Just being real with how I have been feeling lately. I know it won't always be like this! I started this post yesterday and since I actually SLEPT last night - I am MUCH happier today! We ALL are! Happy toddler - happy baby - happy mommy! :) YAY!

I promise to bring you happier posts in the near future! :)

3 comments:

Kimmy said...

Poor Denise!! I was actually feeling exhausted for you as I read this.

You're not being a bad mom at all and they won't remember your "sleepy" days as they get older. As you said, it will get easier. Although I don't know what it is like having two children, I understand what you are going through. I do! It's hard, yes...being a mom is the hardest job but we wouldn't trade it in for the world!

Glad to hear you got some rest last night. That does make for a better day. I do however, think I got your restless night instead. Not cause of Noodle but because of the dog...lol! Woke me up 4 times. RAR!! lol

Have a great weekend!

Val said...

So I'm gonna be an asshole and say it. Your husband needs to wake his butt up in the middle of the night and tend to E. That's his job. I get he's not there a few nights a week, but the ones he is there? He needs to step up to the plate. I know you know this, but he needs to also. Tell him I said so. ;)

I feel ya on the guilt. I'm SO not diggin the parent thing right now. This age just sucks. My kid just left for a week to my Moms and I told my Mom not to bring her back. And I wasn't even joking.

Not even a little bit.

Still serious.


Sorry you are having such a rough time of it right now...

I love ya!

ps. I mean it about telling your husband I said suck it up sally & deal.

pps. I'm still serious

MommaKiss said...

yo woman.
this job here? being a parent? of two little bitty babies? it's HARD! Seems like you're doing a lot of it on your own. I'm pretty sure you're married. Takes 2 to tango, AND raise those results.
And 1 to 2 is the biggest adjustment, I promise you.
The toddler, she knows you love her. So does your husband. Be kinder to yourself, momma. You're working hard at creating little happy people.