Let's Just Be Honest Here...

I started this 30 days of truth and well...I am not doing so well with it.  The kid's birthday party is tomorrow and we've been busy getting things ready to host 40 people.  It was only going to be 22 but then late RSVPs made the list grow to 40...so yes, we've been busy.

But...it's time to get back to the honesty thing.  I have a bazillion days to catch up on it feels like - so be forewarned this will be a long post.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Oh this is so cliche...but I hope to be alive long enough to meet my grandchildren.


Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Bury someone I love.  I know I will have to but I have a fear of it.  A huge fear.  I NEVER EVER EVER want to have to bury one of my children but I also don't want to lose my husband, my mom, my dad, my siblings, my friends, no one.  Yes, it's inevitable but the thought of it brings me anxiety.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My husband.  My kids.  My family.  I know that's more than one someone but they all make my existence on this earth worth every single second.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Well, I can say ex-boyfriends.  BUT, in reality I guess the only person to blame here is me.  I stayed in horrible abusive (verbal/emotional) relationships.  I allowed to be treated that way.  But I also found my self-respect, self-worth and self-love and walked away.  Perhaps they will be part of my Friday flip off next week!

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Various friends in my life.  I am sure we all go through that.  But the whole "reason, season, lifetime" bit is completely true in my life.  Each person is or was in my life for a reason and for that I am truly truly grateful for everyone.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Hmmm.  I can't really think of anyone.  I have learned to let go of toxic people and right now I don't think I have any toxic people in my life. 

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh gosh this is hard.  I don't take compliments well AT ALL.  Um.  Hmmm.  The fact I have a giving nature?  I've been told I am a great mom...but again, I'm not so sure that's true.  Wow.  This is sad.  I think I need to listen more.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

My figure.  Sigh.  Kids will do that to you!

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Write a letter?  To a band?  Hmmm.  I don't even want to answer this.  You will all laugh.  Literally.  But since I have to be honest...NKOTB.  Yes, laugh.  Get it out.  Now back in the day - I lived for those guys.  I was positive I was going to marry one of them.  I just knew it.  During those junior high/high school days (yup - just dated myself) when I'd have a bad day - I could just daydream and everything would be better.  Yeah okay...you can stop laughing now.  Kind of a silly truth - but reminds me of my youth!  :)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Lot's of letter writing going on.  To be honest I don't know if I have one of these either.  I will have to think on it and if I come up with something I will finish this one later!

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

My husband.  Before we were married we broke up.  I remember that time - it was truly devastating to me.  I was so heartbroken.  I was looking for places to live and starting to pack stuff.  Luckily it only lasted a very short time and now we are married with two beautiful daughters!  :)

If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me...you'd know that I hate the fact that I am insecure.  I am insecure in a lot of things...looks, weight, intelligence, parenting, being a good wife, cooking, pretty much everything.  It's not a fun place to be and it's something I need to spend time working on.  A lot of time working on.  It's a constant work in progress for me. 

A lot of people have told me they had no clue I possess this negative self-image of myself.  Some know that I am shy and some know that I am not happy with how I look right now, but a lot of people don't know the real feelings behind my smile.  Nor do people know that sometimes, my smile is fake.  But...you gotta fake it 'til you make it some days and that's what I do. 

So...there you go...the first truth to all of you in this challenge.  I encourage you to play along!  You can find the list of truths right after this post.

If You Really Knew Me...

So I saw this challenge on another blog I started following and it seemed really interesting.  I encourage all of you to play along as well! 

Here is the list of truths to write about:

30 Days of Truth:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Not sure how hard or easy it will be but I think it will be a good exercise!  :)  Please join in!

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I think the one thing I always question is myself. Am I good enough? I guess that can be from childhood issues or what have you - but I seriously question these kinds of things.

The one I struggle with the most is if I am a good enough mom. Do I give my kids what they need? Not in material things but in emotional things. I can't be two places at once, although I try. Today was especially difficult. I have a sick baby and a toddler who needs my attention. (By the way - I am writing this Tuesday night as I am about to have my own personal meltdown from today's events). The baby just cried her heart out all.day.long. The toddler was really good and understanding as toddler's can be. The TV helped me out A LOT today. More than I would ever admit. But what can I do when the baby would just cry and cry and scream if I laid her down, and god forbid, laid her down and left the room. I understand she has a plethora of snot and a small fever but even I need a break sometimes.

My toddler had tantrums today. I know it was just because she needed me and I couldn't be there like she needed me. I am sad. I feel like I failed her. I feel like if Super Nanny were here she'd be yelling at me and telling me everything I did was completely wrong and damaging. What's worse? My toddler said she hated me the other day. She said it in her room but the monitor was on. She said "I hate mommy". My heart still breaks just thinking about that. I know she was mad because she didn't want to go to bed and I doubt she meant it and I KNOW that won't be the last time she says it. But at 3? Seriously? How does she know what that means?

I miss her. I miss just her and I. I don't get her and I time that much anymore. It's something I need to do my best to do. Leave the house with just her and I. But, she's SUCH a daddy's girl, I'm not too sure how well she'd welcome that idea. When he comes home from shift, I am chopped liver. I guess I just need to do it and see. After all, I am the adult here, aren't I? No really...am I? Today I feel like a lost soul. Not an adult. Not a child. Just lost.

Tomorrow is another day and  I know these feelings won't be so intense.  It's just been a difficult day.  But I will still question if I am raising my kids well enough.  I will still wonder if they will end up in therapy because of me.  I watch that show Intervention and I fear my kids will be one of those people because of something I have done.  Irrational?  Probably.  But I wonder these things.  And hey...it's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday - so I'm allowed to wonder these things today!

Here's to a MUCH better tomorrow!

Now go and tell me what has been on YOUR mind by participating in:

Is It Me??

There are a few times of day I despise in this household. If the husband is at home I don't dislike them that much, but when he's at work...I hate them. Yes, I can use the word hate because that's how much I don't like them.

The first is getting out the door in the morning for our walk - or for anything really. It goes something like this:

Baby wakes up crying. Needs fed. Toddler wakes up. Needs fed. Doesn't understand why she must wait and a breakdown ensues. Baby finishes eating, poops, change diaper. Then it's time to change the toddler out of her night-time diaper and into another one. Toddler is still pissed - especially since I take even MORE time away from her breakfast to get her dressed and do her hair - making sure to remind her NOT to take off her shoes 23908409248 times in hopes she listens. Doing all this may or may not result in a time out due to her hitting because she's pissy because she's hungry and grumpy. Finally feed her and all is happy in toddler world.

Then the baby starts crying again. Get her dressed and the toddler comes in her room to happily announce she took off her shoes. I put them back on. I then place the baby in her crib and I get dressed - praying she won't spit up on me. Baby starts crying because her mobile stopped turning. Can hear the toddler getting into things she shouldn't be and call for her. No toddler shows up. Grab the baby - go to put her in the car seat and low and behold - here comes the spit up. Damnit. Time to change. I change. Put baby in car seat, load up bags, grab toddler's shoes she took off AGAIN and put them on. Grab everyone, get ready to hit the alarm to the house and walk out the door and then the toddler says so sweetly "did you go poo poo?" I sigh, look at her and ask if she did. She says yes. RAR.

Undress toddler, change her diaper, get clothes and shoes back on. Get everything packed up again and get ready to walk out and then hear the baby poop. Are you fricken kidding me? Take her out of the car seat, change the diaper, go to put her back in the car seat and I get spit up on again. Change clothes for me. Then pack everyone back up, put the toddler's shoes back on AGAIN, get out the door...FINALLY. By the way...this is without me showering (I usually shower after my walk). I am now frustrated and pissy and REALLY needing my walk.

The second time of day I hate is bedtime. The toddler's bedtime coincides with the baby's witching hour. I have now been bathing the toddler early to ease some of the tension that happens. But it's inevitable. When I am alone...it's gonna happen. 7:00 - the baby starts fussing. The toddler is eating dinner and I am trying to calm the baby and tend to the toddler who is now mimicking the baby and wanting attention too. Toddler is done eating - have to put the baby down who is now even more pissed and screaming even louder. I clean the toddler up - get her out of the high chair and run back to the baby who is beyond pissed. Cuddle the baby for a bit - realize it's now getting even closer to the time the toddler has to be in bed. Toddler isn't cleaning up toys or listening - but is acting out because the baby is screaming and I am holding her. Finally have to talk sternly to the toddler to clean up her toys - giving her a choice of me cleaning them up (which means they all go away) or her doing it. She gets it done and now it's time to change into pjs, brush teeth, call daddy, read a book and get into bed. To do this, the baby has to be alone. I put her in her crib with the mobile. She is quiet for all of 30 seconds as the mobile goes around - then she starts screaming. Leave the toddler - start the mobile back up. Repeat about 3 times. Now baby just continues to scream and scream - is mad at the mobile - is mad at mommy - is mad at the world. Toddler isn't listening - wants to play and do everything to get out of going to bed. Finally I am able to get her into bed (with threats of time out if she gets out of bed) - go into the baby's room who is now about to die because she's screaming SO loudly with a billion tears streaming down her face. It's heartbreaking. The toddler can semi-understand to wait - the baby can't. Get her in her pjs, change diaper and feed and then put into crib and shut the door. Come out to the couch...just about in tears...sit down and exhale for the first time the entire day.

Listening to the baby cry for almost an hour is enough to drive anyone crazy. I feel I can't skip out on the toddler every night just because the baby is crying. It's not fair to her. She needs mommy time because our time has become super limited since the baby joined our family. It breaks my heart the toddler suffers because of the baby. It breaks my heart the baby has to scream her pretty little head off in need of mommy time as I am tending to the toddler. I just CAN'T be two places at once and it sucks. Really sucks.

Seriously...how do moms do this without going crazy? The toddler is 2.5 and the baby is just shy of 5 months. There are moms that have four kids that can do this without so much of a breakdown. Are their kids further in age? Do the older siblings help the younger ones? Is it just two that makes it more difficult and if we had three it wouldn't be as hard? I feel like I am failing. What am I doing wrong here?

I know it won't be this hard forever - but when you are in the middle of it - it sure feels like this is how life is going to be for a very long time. Sigh.

Sunday Thoughts...

Today I feel...a tad disappointed in someone

Tomorrow I am looking forward to...another new day! :)

Yesterday I...looked for baby furniture and we came up empty.

Right now I really want to...tell someone how I feel but have learned to just take a step back.

Five minutes from now...I will be hopping in the shower.

My favorite thing of today so far is....that the kid wanted me to read her "Hands Are Not For Hitting" about 92358230582305832508 times. I hope it sinks in!

Recently I...found out the last of my extended family was moving out of state. I will miss him and it makes me sad since him and I are so close.

I would change...the behavior of someone if I actually could.

I often wonder...what the new baby will look like and how she will act.

I am thankful for...the people in my life.

I am sad for...the fact my family has really dwindled down. :(

I am excited for...fall to hurry up and get here! :)

I am happy for...a friend of mine whose surgery was a success! And I am happy for her funny texts and tweets! :)

I am thinking about...life.

I can't wait to...take our trip to Oregon! :)

I wonder why...the kid is STILL awake and not napping!

I love it when...I am with those I love! I think it's the best feeling in the world!

I don't like it when...I am pregnant and it's 3209850325803258 degrees outside! :)

Right now...I am signing off to shower and get movin' so I can hang out and run errands with a friend and then hopefully play some wii! :)

Thoughts...

Saw this over at Lacey's blog and it just fit my mood today and thought I'd play along...

I am: feeling serene in my life. We are in the new house. We no longer have ties with the old house. Planning munchkin's 2nd birthday. Realizing I will be 35 this year. (Okay maybe not serene about the last part!)

I think: way too much and that can get me in trouble!

I know: that one day very soon I will be a mother to two and that scares the crap outta me.

I have: some amazing people in my life.

I wish: I could say the things I want to say to the people I should say them to. But I won't. Sometimes keeping quiet is better.

I hate: people that lie, people that are selfish, and people that lie. Oh yeah, and people that lie.

I miss: hanging out with friends. It's funny how many friends distance themselves when you are pregnant! They must think I am disabled or dead, but in fact, I am just pregnant! It's lonely. It's hurtful. But I am thankful for those that still come around and don't mind hanging out with the preggo!

I fear: losing someone I love.

I wonder: what the new baby will look like, what we will name her, how she will act. I also wonder if I am cut out to handle two.

I regret: very little.

I love: so deeply.

I am not: always as happy as I appear. I sometimes hurt or feel lonely but just show the world that I am "okay".

I believe: in myself. I believe in those close to me. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe the truth ALWAYS comes out!

I dance: with my daughter. I dance by myself. I dance when no one is looking.

I sing: all the time to the munchkin. She never tires of hearing my non-singing voice because she always says "again!" :)

I cry: when I feel any emotion strongly. I cry easily.

I fight: crappy. I do not enjoy fighting. I hold grudges. I am happy to say I don't even remember the last time I did fight...Thank God!

I always: think about others before myself. I do this to a fault.

I listen: to my daughter play by herself and my heart melts.

I am happy about: everything happening in my life!

YAY! Thankfulness!

To participate, see the post below!

I am so thankful for so many things this morning!!!

1. First and foremost...I dedicate this background on my blog to our little munchkin. Wanna know why?? Yesterday she pooped on the toilet for the very first time!!!!!!!!!! :) I never thought I'd get so excited over poop until our 20-month old did it on the toilet for the first time! But needless to say...we were SO thankful she did it and we even went out for ice cream to celebrate! YAY!

2. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that my grade in biology remained an A!!!! I thought after my final (I got a B on the written but a D on the practical...I SUCK at practicals...I need to learn a trick to doing better on them) that I was off on keeping my A by only .4. BUT I kept it and I just about cried in the middle of the ice cream parlor when I learned that! :) I worked SO HARD in that class. It was a VERY difficult class and I am SO happy and SO thankful I kept my A! I still don't know my chemistry grade but I believe it's a B.

3. I am thankful that my time is not so busy lately. Well, busy in the sense that we have been doing things ever since I got out of school - but they are fun and leisurely things - not bogged down with school work things! :)

4. I am thankful this past Sunday that the munchkin was able to take her very first *real* train ride! It was only an hour trip but it was fun!

5. I am thankful that the morning sickness is somewhat subsiding. I still have it. In fact, this morning I do. But it's not an everyday thing anymore. It's also not *usually* an all-day thing anymore either. Some days it still is, but it is easing up! YAY!

6. I am thankful I am almost out of the first trimester. This coming up Saturday I will be at the 12 week mark! Some say that's the end of the first trimester, some say it's when you hit 13 weeks. I will go with the 12 week mark so I can start feeling better! LMAO!

7. I am thankful that I was able to spend time with my friend yesterday. We have both been so busy and haven't been able to spend much time together lately. BUT with school out for me, and school ALMOST out for her...we will hopefully get to hang out more!

8. I am also thankful that the hubby took both the munchkin and K on a bike ride to let my friend and I catch up some! We all met up at the park a little later, but it was nice to be able to talk with just us and no screaming kids! :)

9. I am thankful that the cold I ended up catching is starting to get better. I can breathe with my mouth closed certain times of the day now! I am assuming I caught this because of all the stress I was under and once I was able to relax...all those dirty ugly germs were able to do what they do best.

10. Lastly, but never least...I am thankful the new bean is healthy thus far! We have had the initial blood tests and the glucose screening and both came back okay. I have more blood work next week, more the week after and also an ultrasound coming up to measure for Downs. It's amazing how much more they do when you will turn 35 during your pregnancy. I am in the "high risk" category because of my age! But I don't mind all the tests. The more they can tell that everything is okay - the better I think! :)

So now it's your turn...what makes you thankful today?

I Get It...

I have had A LOT of support when people have found out I am expecting. I had lots of hugs, some tears, tons of congrats and just overall love. It's truly such a wonderful feeling when people are just as excited as you are about a new life coming into this world!

But why is it when you DO have good news - there are those few that aren't happy for you. I mean, I get going through crappy times and I get stress and whatever else. But why is that some people can't just be happy for others? Why must there always be a few to rain on your parade?

I had a few people express to me their "thoughts" on me being pregnant. So, to "answer" their concerns, which may be concerns of others who didn't open their mouth, I will do so here.

1. You better hurry up and potty train Emily. It's going to be so hard to have two kids in diapers. Plus, don't you think you are having two too close together?

No, I don't think they are too close in age. In fact, I think it's a GREAT spread in age. As far as the potty training, it will happen when it does. I am not going to force my daughter to do something she isn't ready for yet, at 20 months, just because it will make MY life better. But don't you worry, we are introducing her to it right now. It just isn't going to happen tomorrow. It will happen when she's ready.

2. I can't believe you are doing this right in the middle of school. School is going to get harder and harder and you should have waited. You probably aren't going to go back. You CAN'T forget about school.

I understandstand school is difficult. I also understand it will get worse the more advanced classes I take. I also understand that this new baby will slow me down a semester or two. I understand the person who said this is having a difficult time in school because this person is more advanced in classes than I am, plus this person is working her butt off with two jobs. I know they are working their ass off and I know they will be SO successful at the end of their journey and I am so EXCITED for this person to reach their goal! But you know what else I understand, I also understand that I have a GREAT support team. I have a great husband who can be flexible with his job. I have great family and friends always willing to help. Sure, I will be tired. Sure I will be stressed. Sure I will probably cry when overworked. But, I can do this. I WILL do this. I believe in myself 110% - which is a hell of a lot more than some people believe in me. But to me, all that matters is that I am doing this for ME. I am making a change for the better. I am making a change that will benefit my family. I truly believe that anything WORTHWHILE takes a lot of hard work. I am committed to this journey.

3. I knew it...but you and your husband have a crappy relationship, is it so smart to be having another child?

THIS is the one that pissed me off the most. First and foremost, my husband and I have a GREAT relationship. He is my best friend. Sure, we argue. Show me ONE couple that do not get annoyed with each other. Show me ONE couple that has never had a disagreement. Show me ONE couple that hasn't had a fight. I will be the first to say it. We fight. We disagree. We get annoyed with one another. JUST because we do that does NOT mean we have a crappy marriage or relationship. I couldn't be MORE excited to be doing this with HIM. He is an EXCELLENT father who continues to amaze me and I am so honored to call him my husband. We've been through rough patches. We have been through big fights. We have been through a lot even before we got married. But we made it through. We grew together. We loved each other. We respected each other. We are at where we are now and I think it's pretty damn exciting. I understand the reasons this person may have said this. I undertand what they are going through in their life. But it doesn't mean because I vented to them twice about an argument with hubby that our marriage is crap. I guess I learned I REALLY can't trust too many people with things. You would THINK I would have learned that by now. But alas, I still haven't fully grasped it.

But at any rate. I am happy. I am excited. I am content. I don't think I have been happier in my life. This journey we are on is exciting. Sure it's stressful. Sure it's scary. But I know it's going to be amazing! :) And...I guess...what it REALLY comes down to is what is RIGHT for hubby and I. No one else. This is OUR journey. No one else's.

Today I Will...

It's been a while since I last posted and although still on hiatus - I feel I need to do the Writer's Workshop for today that Mama Kat hosts.

So today I will...

1. Be positive. So much worrying and so much time I spend "thinking" about the "what-ifs" does nothing for me. So today...I am going to focus on being positive.

2. Focus. I have a midterm tonight and one tomorrow that I have not really studied much for. It's time to focus. It's time to let all the things in my mind escape and stay focused on the task at hand.

3. Be confident. I will remind myself that everything is out of my control and I will stand confident in knowing that whatever happens was meant to happen.

4. Take a deep breath the moment I feel stressed.

5. Take care of me.