Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I think the one thing I always question is myself. Am I good enough? I guess that can be from childhood issues or what have you - but I seriously question these kinds of things.

The one I struggle with the most is if I am a good enough mom. Do I give my kids what they need? Not in material things but in emotional things. I can't be two places at once, although I try. Today was especially difficult. I have a sick baby and a toddler who needs my attention. (By the way - I am writing this Tuesday night as I am about to have my own personal meltdown from today's events). The baby just cried her heart out all.day.long. The toddler was really good and understanding as toddler's can be. The TV helped me out A LOT today. More than I would ever admit. But what can I do when the baby would just cry and cry and scream if I laid her down, and god forbid, laid her down and left the room. I understand she has a plethora of snot and a small fever but even I need a break sometimes.

My toddler had tantrums today. I know it was just because she needed me and I couldn't be there like she needed me. I am sad. I feel like I failed her. I feel like if Super Nanny were here she'd be yelling at me and telling me everything I did was completely wrong and damaging. What's worse? My toddler said she hated me the other day. She said it in her room but the monitor was on. She said "I hate mommy". My heart still breaks just thinking about that. I know she was mad because she didn't want to go to bed and I doubt she meant it and I KNOW that won't be the last time she says it. But at 3? Seriously? How does she know what that means?

I miss her. I miss just her and I. I don't get her and I time that much anymore. It's something I need to do my best to do. Leave the house with just her and I. But, she's SUCH a daddy's girl, I'm not too sure how well she'd welcome that idea. When he comes home from shift, I am chopped liver. I guess I just need to do it and see. After all, I am the adult here, aren't I? No really...am I? Today I feel like a lost soul. Not an adult. Not a child. Just lost.

Tomorrow is another day and  I know these feelings won't be so intense.  It's just been a difficult day.  But I will still question if I am raising my kids well enough.  I will still wonder if they will end up in therapy because of me.  I watch that show Intervention and I fear my kids will be one of those people because of something I have done.  Irrational?  Probably.  But I wonder these things.  And hey...it's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday - so I'm allowed to wonder these things today!

Here's to a MUCH better tomorrow!

Now go and tell me what has been on YOUR mind by participating in:

4 comments:

Shell said...

You're not alone in this. I have three kids, all close in age, and I feel like all I do is give attention to whoever happens to need me the most at the moment. It's never fair or balanced. I always feel like I'm not doing it right. I have been trying to do things with each one-on-one, but even that is hard.

Hang in there, mama! And thanks for linking up!

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

I think we all feel like this at times. I felt like this a lot when I had my daughter, since I had over 3 years with just my son. I do try to make special Mommy/Son dates with just the two of us- most often we go to lunch or a movie. It helps ease a bit of the guilt. But, I also try to remember how close I am with my sister- she is the world to me, and hopefully I provided that with giving my kids a sibling! I always like to say that questioning ourselves as mommies shows how much we care.

Mothers' Hideaway said...

Oh I feel like this all the time. I am so glad I made the effort to give my older son the attention and trips before the baby was born, but now I feel like both of them get gypped because I am not able to give them one on one attention I'm sure they crave. I'm doing my best and I'm sure you are, too.

If you ever need a place to vent (and I do) I go to Mothers' Hideaway It helps so so much to have other mommies that are struggling with me.

Sarah said...

I think it's hard when kids say that...and they are only parroting what they've heard someone else say. But still, it hurts. I'm not a mom but I know that if and when I do have children, I'll have those very same feelings. I know that you're a great mom, you were just having a tough day!