Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not So Politically Correct...

I guess I should be venting this elsewhere - but people work, don't have kids, don't quite *get it* sometimes - so why not vent to the entire friggen world?

Somedays...I wonder if I made a mistake. Made a mistake being pregnant again. There. There is my unpolitically correct thing to say. There is me making a statement that will draw negative attention. There is my invitation for people to bash me.

Yesterday was a REALLY difficult parenting day. It was so difficult that I ended up in tears. Yes, pathetic. A 2-year-old made me cry. Not just cry. But sob. Question myself. Doubt myself. Doubt my future as a parent. Feel stupid. Feel insecure. Feel incapable.

The kid is teething all four of her two-year molars at once. She is also definitely in her terrible twos. With hubby at work a minimum of 48 hours a week (but it's usually 72+), it makes it rough on me, especially being pregnant...and 8 months pregnant at that. The kid had a two-hour temper tantrum yesterday. TWO HOURS. STRAIGHT. I have dealt with all-day temper tantrums that were broken up by moments of my nice sweet child breaking through...never have I dealt with a temper tantrum that was full on screaming, crying, kicking, throwing for two hours straight.

I tried everything I shouldn't have. I tried being tough at first and reasoning with a 2 year old. Yeah that worked. I just laughed at myself writing that sentence out. I bargained...with a 2 year old. I pleaded...with a 2 year old. I got angry (mostly away from her)...with a 2-year old. I tried letting her "cry it out". I gave her what she was screaming for (which I am not quite sure what the heck she wanted but at the end of the temper tantrum it was her paci that she'd throw out of the crib, SCREAM AND CRY for it back, only to throw it right back out after I left the room). I tried hugging (which made her more mad). I tried getting her out of the crib (this was at nap time) because I figured she was just NOT going to sleep - but made her stay in her room. She was over-tired. I was over-stressed. Finally after the millionth time throwing her paci (which I was waiting a long time to give back to her) I told her (as I gave it back to her) that next time she threw it out - I was NOT going to give it back. Same goes for the bunny (her bunny in the crib she threw out). She said "okay...I need to go nigh nigh" and then fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

I am guessing my tone the last time about the paci being thrown out and not getting back is what she finally heard because she didn't hear it before - and yes, I know, I made the mistake of giving it back to her after I said I wouldn't. (Yes I know that was wrong...I was just at my wits end!) That, or she just wore herself out. I am telling myself it was my tone - but it probably was the exhaustion!

So I sat there after all that, and still sit here, wondering HOW the hell I am going to deal with two. Alone. Sure, hubby is here - but not as much as I am. He works A LOT. How will I deal with a newborn screaming her head off while a two-year old is screaming her head off too? How will I deal with the temper tantrums of the munchkin with a new born? How will I rest? How will I get ANYTHING done?

It's shitty that I am wondering if it was a mistake to be pregnant again. I am sure it's NOT a mistake - but I just don't know if I have it in ME to do this with TWO kids. Alone for 2-3 days a week (if not more). No husband coming home to help at night. No husband at home during the morning to help before work. Sigh. A 2 year old and a newborn. What was I thinking?

I know millions of women do this. Millions of women handle this. But not sure I have it in ME to handle a new born, a 2 year old, work at home, and just relax sometimes. I don't get much relaxation as it is now, I am sure I will get zero when the new one arrives.

I am shitty for not being excited for the new baby.'s not like I am NOT happy or excited. Just today (and yesterday), I am scared. I am unsure.


Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

IF ANYONE comes on here and tells you off, send them to me... and I'll TELL THEM OFF!

Not ONE Mother... anywhere... can say she never had a day like yours...

Hell, my kids are 15, 13 and 10... and somedays I WONDER if I did the right thing!!! Holy cow!!!

YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you feel! Do not feel badly... please... ours is a really really really tough job.

All those Mama's out there that claim they don't have feelings like that... are lying, lying, lying...

YOU are gonna be fine... you are hormonal, and you are gonna PRAY for your munchkin to be this age again REAL soon, when she is a teen... then the real crying starts... girlfriend... hang tough... you are doing great!

Wendy said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I sometimes questioned why we even adopted our daughter and thought I had made a mistake. It's because of how tough she has been over the past nearly two years that I am not adopting again. I know that I cannot handle another child while my husband is on shift. She has since evened out a bit with her temperament but she is completely on hyper-overdrive which is rough on me too.

You can do it! I know it's going to be rough some days. The good news is, she will grow out of the terrible twos eventually (although not soon enough some days). I think with my situation we were dealing with post-institutionalized issues on top of normal, crazy toddler behavior and it just scared me and wore me out. So, don't let what I have shared scare you. Just know that I understand that feeling.

Is she in a mother's day out program? Maybe doing something like that will give you a bit of break a few days a week. I know it has done wonders for my sanity!

MommaKiss said...

Who the EFF asked you to be PC? Being a mom? It's a HARD JOB. And being a pregnant mom of a 2 year old? That sucks balls. I've BEEN THERE. Not to mention? You've got hormones racing thru your veins like mad.

So. Do this. Realize 1, that your kid won't remember what's going on right now. She won't. Know what she will remember? The hugs and snuggles and all those times you did give her the paci.

Try to be consistent, but we all give in. They're only 2 once. Um, thank god.

As for the unsure part?? Go read that Loving Two, will ya??
You're giving Munchkin a gift. A sister. A partner in crime, but eventually a soul mate.

Be well, mama. I'm thinkin of ya.

Mandie, Daniel and Dawson said...

Denise you can do it! I often wonder the same thing and
I only have one but it takes a strong woman to love a man who's gone more than he's home...and you do that well... Things will be hectic but you'll do it. That's what strong women do.

Kimmy said...

I've actually contemplated on those same issues myself. When Noodle would have her tantrums, I actually tried to leave to give myself a time out but she would follow me. YES, FOLLOW ME!!! (lol) which made me even more angry when she was supposed to be in her room. I would have to pick her up several times to take her back to her room only to do it all over again.

I have no patience whatsoever! NONE! I have a very bad temper too and the tantrums would send me in an explosion of anger. Yes, I've contemplated this too. It's okay to be feeling like this. It's normal. It will all fall into place when the new baby comes though. I was always told (which I pray to the good Lord that it's true!! lol) that the second child is always the opposite.

Just remember, I'm here for you! Call, email or girl's lunch! *hugs*

RayeLee ❤ said...

I have the same feelings some days. I'm on my third and my oldest isn't even three yet! I've had days where I'm yelling and throwing things right along with the kids. I get so stressed out I just want to leave and never come back. I won't tell you not to feel bad about how you're feeling and thinking, because I know how hard that is. But, just breath. Tomorrow will be better. You and your daughter are still alive, still healthy, and suffered no major injuries. Tomorrow will come and the next day and the day after that. It will be tough with a new baby, at first... but it gets easier every day.

Alison said...

wow. with days like that, i don't know how you could NOT have a wee breakdown and doubt the whole 'parenting' thing. you feel what you feel and aren't hurting anyone, that's as correct as anything can be! all i know is that you are more amazing and capable than you ever credit yourself for.

Serenity said...

You sound like a mom with a growing family to me...all mom's have those days...all of us. I am completely stressed out every time our family grows and have those same doubts each time...completely normal. You are allowed to feel that way. These are one of those days where I say I went on time out. I have left two kids screaming their heads off and walked away and locked myself in my room...because guess what having children is a tough job. Don't feel bad...know that you are just trying to be the best mom you can be.
Brush off the day and move forward. This will not be the last day you feel this way but there will be plenty of good days to erase the hard ones.