A Bunch of Nothing..

Today feels like Sunday to me. Rarely do I have a lazy Saturday. Today the sun was shining and it was gorgeous outside. I chose to stay inside - in my pjs. I had a tea party about 4 times today, read a billion and a half books, whipped my boobs out, sang, danced, cuddled, giggled. I got a lot of smiles and coos from the newborn today too. LOVE getting those! I also dealt with almost a full day of tantrums out of our oldest. I guess that's where a lot of the giggling came from. It was almost comical. I even took out the video camera! It will probably be erased but I'd like her to see how she looks when she's acting like that.

We did manage to get outside for a tiny bit in the backyard but that was short lived when the baby started crying inside to be fed.

The hubby is on shift. Today was his first day. He will be home on Monday. It's getting easier when he goes on shift now but I am ALWAYS ready for him to be home when his shift is over. It's MUCH easier with extra help.

As I sit here and look around my house, it's obvious I am a mother of two. Our front room is a mess. There is a train set with the train off the track on its side, followed by the caboose about 5 feet away. There are about 6 books on the floor and a ton of flashcards her aunt bought her. I hate those flashcards. They are bug flashcards and I see an aphid, an ant, a grasshopper and dragonfly staring at me as I type. They are kinda creepy. Well not kinda...they ARE creepy.

There is a tiara, a purse, a tea set (with the cups and pot on the floor but the plates and spoon on our coffee table), a boat and Wonder Pets on our coffee table. There is also a monster truck school bus in the play gym on the floor that our newborn "plays" in. I am definitely a mother of two.

My oldest is sitting next to me playing "Pocket God" on my phone as I blog. The girl is obsessed with that game. She needs a 12-step program.

As I am typing I just happened to catch a glimpse of the time and it is time to get the munchkin fed, bathed and in bed! I LOVE this time of night so I am off to get her down for bed and to give me some rest (until the newborn needs me!).

Identity Crisis

Gone are the days of heels and button-ups, hair done just right, perfume on, make up on, confidence on. Those days have been replaced by the new me. The one I never pictured myself to be. The pajama wearing, hair a mess and up, no make up, frumpy me. My perfume has a new smell to it...spit up. My intellectual conversations have been replaced by trying to reason with a two-year old. You can guess how well that goes.

I gave up a huge part of myself to accept this role as a stay at home mom. Do you know that is the very first time I admitted that is what I am? I use to own and operate a growing paralegal business. I had hundreds of clients that came to me for help. They depended on me to help them through a difficult time in their life. I was the one person that offered them a hand when it felt like no one else was there. I LOVED that role. I LOVED being that for them. I LOVED talking to adults.

Times have changed. I am still that person that is depended on for help. I am still that person that helps out in a difficult time. But those difficult times are usually a hurt finger that needs a pretend band-aid and lots of kisses. I LOVE this role but it is taking some getting use to...some acceptance on my part. Acceptance that I was never willing to give until now.

My husband and I have decided that it was the best idea for me to close my business to raise our two daughters. A business demands your time 24/7, and two children do too. I had a choice to make. I made the choice to walk away from eighteen years of my life as a paralegal. I did it for my two precious daughters. I did it for our family. But you know what? It hasn't been easy for me.

I guess I am selfish when I say I miss it and some days I wish we had a nanny or day care or something so I could work. Some days I want to run away and just deal with me. As much as I complained about clients being frustrating, being a stay at home mom is frustrating too. I no longer pee in private. I no longer shower in private. I no longer eat or enjoy a meal in private. I no longer relax. I no longer get "me" time unless it revolves around my boobs. I am breastfeeding the newborn and everything revolves around my boobs. My boobs and my diet.

The newborn has MSPI which means that she has an intolerance to milk and soy protein. Milk and soy are in EVERYTHING. EVERY.FRIGGEN.THING. Trying to adhere to a diet void of milk and soy is tough. But I do it for her so that her body doesn't have to be in pain. But I miss being able to attend dinners out with friends. I miss being able to just pull anything out of the fridge and eat it without having to read the entire ingredient list. I miss a nice cold glass of milk. If you know me, dairy was my main food group. I miss it. Tremendously.

So I trudge along. Day by day. Hour by hour when day by day seems too difficult, and lately it has felt that way. I am SLOWLY accepting this role and SLOWLY moving into it. I even am finding myself doing something I NEVER thought I'd do or want to do...joining a moms group. I have always had a problem with judgmental moms. I am hoping this won't be over-run by these types of women. I am hoping to gain friendships for my daughter since she has very few...and if I gain some friends out of it...that would be okay too! I am nervous about it since I am a SUPER shy person...but we'll see how it goes. If the munchkin can gain friends...even one friend...it would be a success.

This new role is growing on me but I feel pulled in two different directions. I feel pulled to the person I was for 18 years. I feel pulled to raising my kids without outside help. I feel resentful my business closed. I feel resentful I still have a few clients I must tend to. It's definitely a whole new identity for me and I feel like I am in the middle of a huge idenity crisis. I know it will all even out and all work out...but today...right now...I am just trying to figure me out.

AND...would you know it... it's time to cut this blog entry off now. My boobs are in demand...yet again! Have a great day everyone!

Not much to report other than...

it's been rough lately. Very very rough. Allison is exhibiting signs of MSPI just like her sister did and it's been rough. Crying for hours on end. In lots of pain. Nothing can console her until it passes.

Last night I held her for 6 hours straight while she screamed her head off in pain. I got three hours of sleep which seems to be the norm lately. Exhausted.

I am going to be trying her on rat poison (aka formula) at her next feeding and will pump as well. Doing this just to see if it helps. Feels shitty. Feels like I am a failure and can't even breastfeed my children. BUT if the formula helps - then I'd rather have that than bloody diapers or screaming in pain because their intestines are raw and inflamed and bleeding.

Other than that? Emily is slowly coming around and warming up to her big sister and me again. Still not 100% but slowly making progress.

Oh how I long for happiness back in my home. Happiness for Allison. Happiness for Emily. Happiness for Erik. If all of them are happy...then that will allow happiness for myself.

Here's to hoping and to reminding myself often...this too shall pass.