Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Identity Crisis

Gone are the days of heels and button-ups, hair done just right, perfume on, make up on, confidence on. Those days have been replaced by the new me. The one I never pictured myself to be. The pajama wearing, hair a mess and up, no make up, frumpy me. My perfume has a new smell to it...spit up. My intellectual conversations have been replaced by trying to reason with a two-year old. You can guess how well that goes.

I gave up a huge part of myself to accept this role as a stay at home mom. Do you know that is the very first time I admitted that is what I am? I use to own and operate a growing paralegal business. I had hundreds of clients that came to me for help. They depended on me to help them through a difficult time in their life. I was the one person that offered them a hand when it felt like no one else was there. I LOVED that role. I LOVED being that for them. I LOVED talking to adults.

Times have changed. I am still that person that is depended on for help. I am still that person that helps out in a difficult time. But those difficult times are usually a hurt finger that needs a pretend band-aid and lots of kisses. I LOVE this role but it is taking some getting use to...some acceptance on my part. Acceptance that I was never willing to give until now.

My husband and I have decided that it was the best idea for me to close my business to raise our two daughters. A business demands your time 24/7, and two children do too. I had a choice to make. I made the choice to walk away from eighteen years of my life as a paralegal. I did it for my two precious daughters. I did it for our family. But you know what? It hasn't been easy for me.

I guess I am selfish when I say I miss it and some days I wish we had a nanny or day care or something so I could work. Some days I want to run away and just deal with me. As much as I complained about clients being frustrating, being a stay at home mom is frustrating too. I no longer pee in private. I no longer shower in private. I no longer eat or enjoy a meal in private. I no longer relax. I no longer get "me" time unless it revolves around my boobs. I am breastfeeding the newborn and everything revolves around my boobs. My boobs and my diet.

The newborn has MSPI which means that she has an intolerance to milk and soy protein. Milk and soy are in EVERYTHING. EVERY.FRIGGEN.THING. Trying to adhere to a diet void of milk and soy is tough. But I do it for her so that her body doesn't have to be in pain. But I miss being able to attend dinners out with friends. I miss being able to just pull anything out of the fridge and eat it without having to read the entire ingredient list. I miss a nice cold glass of milk. If you know me, dairy was my main food group. I miss it. Tremendously.

So I trudge along. Day by day. Hour by hour when day by day seems too difficult, and lately it has felt that way. I am SLOWLY accepting this role and SLOWLY moving into it. I even am finding myself doing something I NEVER thought I'd do or want to do...joining a moms group. I have always had a problem with judgmental moms. I am hoping this won't be over-run by these types of women. I am hoping to gain friendships for my daughter since she has very few...and if I gain some friends out of it...that would be okay too! I am nervous about it since I am a SUPER shy person...but we'll see how it goes. If the munchkin can gain friends...even one would be a success.

This new role is growing on me but I feel pulled in two different directions. I feel pulled to the person I was for 18 years. I feel pulled to raising my kids without outside help. I feel resentful my business closed. I feel resentful I still have a few clients I must tend to. It's definitely a whole new identity for me and I feel like I am in the middle of a huge idenity crisis. I know it will all even out and all work out...but today...right now...I am just trying to figure me out.

AND...would you know it... it's time to cut this blog entry off now. My boobs are in demand...yet again! Have a great day everyone!


Kimmy said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better. I never had a career, per se but having a love for something and giving it up I would imagine would be hard. :o(

Baby Momma said...

Momma. I love you & miss you tons. You are a great mom, and doing SO right for your girls.

It's hard giving up that part of yourself. I did it too, I know. And feeling like you're all alone for a lot of the day is a hard thing to get over. It gets better. I promise.

Sorry to hear about the repeat MSPI. You are a rockstar for giving up dairy so A can thrive. Really - what a gift!

You have so much more strength than you think you have.

And peeing alone is SO overrated. ;)

MommaKiss said...

You KNOW I've been here. Still struggle with it (the identity thing). I toss all those balls in the air - wife, mom, worker, friend. And try to keep them juggling gloriously - and then they drop. All of them. It's so hard, the balance. So hard. But hell, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. or some shit.