Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Not much to report other than...

it's been rough lately. Very very rough. Allison is exhibiting signs of MSPI just like her sister did and it's been rough. Crying for hours on end. In lots of pain. Nothing can console her until it passes.

Last night I held her for 6 hours straight while she screamed her head off in pain. I got three hours of sleep which seems to be the norm lately. Exhausted.

I am going to be trying her on rat poison (aka formula) at her next feeding and will pump as well. Doing this just to see if it helps. Feels shitty. Feels like I am a failure and can't even breastfeed my children. BUT if the formula helps - then I'd rather have that than bloody diapers or screaming in pain because their intestines are raw and inflamed and bleeding.

Other than that? Emily is slowly coming around and warming up to her big sister and me again. Still not 100% but slowly making progress.

Oh how I long for happiness back in my home. Happiness for Allison. Happiness for Emily. Happiness for Erik. If all of them are happy...then that will allow happiness for myself.

Here's to hoping and to reminding myself often...this too shall pass.


M K said...

Wait a minute. Are you seriously that "against" formula? I thought you were joking. Your baby is sick, and if that's the only thing that will get her healthy - is it really poison?

Do not beat yourself up, Momma. If she's better - that's the main goal.

Denise said...

No no no no no! NOT against it! But when I switched Emily to formula - I had all the boobie rah-rah's telling me how horrible it was! If Allison needs it - she will DEFINITELY be on it - with no hesitation! :)

Alison said...

you're doing amazing D. Little A is very, very lucky to have such a strong capable loving mother. lotsa hugs!

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. Hope it gets better. Sounds rough. hang in there mama.

Serenity said...

Hang in there...it is always difficult in the beginning when adjusting to having more than one... I promise over time it will get easier and you will find some of your old self again. Keep your chin up...I had a huge identity crisis when I quit my career to have Maria and went through the exact thing you are going through now...but by the time I had Alex it was a whole lot better and everything got easier.... I am here for you if you ever need it. Your a great mom and a great person to know, don't be too judgmental on yourself :)