Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Don't Go Off To College With Baby Food...

So I am back again for my weekly assignment from Mama Kat. I tend to usually pick the ones that require me to write about 10 things and this week is no exception!

So I am writing about my 10 biggest fears. These are in no particular order.

1. Death. The thought of losing someone I love is very scary to me. I know it's a part of life but I can't bare to think of someone that I love not being a part of my life. I just recently experienced that with my grandmother and I miss her so much every single day. I think about how we are all getting older and how Emily will lose her grandparents, her aunts and uncles and then her own parents. I fear losing my husband, and worse, I fear losing my child. I also fear death for myself. I don't fear being gone but I fear those left behind being in pain. I wouldn't want that. I would want them to carry me close to their heart and remember the good times, but I definitely wouldn't want them to be distraught or sad.
(this is the cemetery a lot of my family is buried in)

2. Heights. I hate heights. Maybe I should put it as my fear of falling because truly that is what it is. I fear falling from some place high and just the thought of it gives me anxiety...so on to the next one...


3. Ants. Yes I know, that is ridiculous - but it's true. I don't mind one or two ants but when they bring all their friends for a party in MY house...I ain't havin' it! And...if after they had their party in my house and they are all killed and gone and I spot just one little scout - I will FREAK OUT. True story. I am not posting a picture of ants because they freak me out that much...instead I will post one of my friend:


4. The Economic Crisis. Sure, we will bounce back from our current state, but when and at what costs? I worry about my family's future. I worry what all this will mean. Being in debt is not a fun situation and I hope that we can see some change for everyone VERY soon!


5. Failure. I am fearful of failing in any aspect of my life. Recently I have been feeling like a failure. I have gone from being a full-time business owner to a stay-at-home mom (for the most part). My business went from being successful enough to pay the bills at the office, pay the bills at home and keep money in my pocket to do things. Now, I make enough just to keep the doors open. It feels like a huge failure on my part but I know I am doing what I need to do for now. It's been a VERY hard thing for me to go through and I am still trying to find my spot. I don't want to admit defeat with my business because I am fearful that means I am a failure. I have never felt "failure" hit so close to home as it hits me now.


6. Change. So with the above-mentioned information about failure, I also fear change. I fear finding a new career - one that can keep me at home some of the time and at work for the other part of the time. I have ALWAYS had a huge problem with change and I try to avoid it at all costs. It scares me. Sure, I know change is a GOOD thing a lot of the times...but that doesn't mean I have to like it! :)


7. Motherhood. Now I don't fear being a mom, I just fear that I am not being a good-enough mom. I fear that my decisions and my actions will land Emily in therapy when she is older and will cause her a lot of pain. I fear that maybe she will grow up unhappy. I fear that I am doing everything wrong. All I know is I love her so very much, more than life itself. I just fear that may not be enough!


8. Car accidents. With this being said, I have a fear being in a car with someone driving other than me. I apologize to all those I have ridden with (you especially dear husband) and have been a nervous wreck. It isn't YOUR driving I don't like, it's the fear of other people's driving that will cause an accident. I wish I could relax more in a car but after being in 3 accidents (only one my fault) and one that has caused me YEARS (and probably a lifetime) of migraines and twisted vertebraes, I think I should be entitled to be somewhat fearful!


9. Another child. Now don't get me wrong. I WANT another baby! I really really want one. I am just fearful I won't be able to juggle two. I also can't imagine being so uncomfortable in the last month of pregnancy and Emily needing me to carry her around. When I was pregnant with Emily, the last month was PURE hell. My feet were SO swollen, she never ever dropped, and I was on bedrest. I fear if I am pregnant again, how will I take care of Emily if I am on bedrest with swollen feet, high blood pressure and a baby that won't move down?!? I fear that the new child will take up all my time and poor Emily will feel left out. I fear that I wouldn't be able to handle two. Moms do it every day, but I fear that maybe I won't be good at it???
That's me at almost 39 weeks preggers!

10. Baby Food and Crawling. Not that I fear those for myself, but I fear that the munchkin will never want to eat normal food and that she will go off to college with a jar of baby food, crawling into her dorm! She's 13 months and is just BARELY starting to self-feed. If it were up to her, she'd never do it. She will now take one tiny baby-sized bite (pun intended) of something we are eating and then that is it. She will sometimes pick something up, "put" it in her mouth, chew and then smile at us. Only to still see the tiny piece of food still stuck to her hand. She is also walking now, she just doesn't know it. Today I was walking with her and let her only grab my pinky finger. She BARELY had a hold of it and was walking. But to her, she's walking with help. I really hope she tackles these two milestones pretty soon! I know she will when she is ready but I fear, like I said, she'll be crawling off to her dorm room with jars of baby food!

17 comments:

Kimmy said...

This is a great list!

I do want to say though, you ARE a wonderful mom. Just for the fact that these things matter to you makes you a wonderful mom. I know moms that just don't care about anything other than themselves. I know, being a mom myself, you can't stop letting these things scare us. However, it always helps having someone to reassure us that we are doing good...and you are!!! XOXO

Wendy said...

What a great list! I have been inspired by what you have been writing lately!

Darcie said...

Good list! I, too, hate ants. Hate 'em, hate 'em, HATE 'EM.

MommaKiss said...

Hey - #9 (I think) - it's the hardest thing, thinking about sharing your first born...
Let me show you this - you may not have been reading me back when...
http://mommakiss.blogspot.com/2008/04/loving-two.html

Great pics in your other blog, beautiful sun!!

Melissa said...

Good list... I know what you mean about #1; I'm afraid most of losing a child...can't even fathom that sadness!!
Oh- and love the anteater...your best buddy!!

MommaKiss said...

I'm bawling all over again! Sheesh. I was sooooooo head over heels w/ my first kid. So crazy. We knew we wanted another one, but I felt like I was cheating on him. And how the F could I love another anything as much as him? Well, I did - and it's amazing - they're amazing together. I forget who e-mailed it to me, but I got it when like 6mos pregnant w/ #2 and I'd read it every single day. I printed for each of their baby books, too.

Now go blow your nose :p

Megan said...

Death & Change were on my lists as well.. I think those will be for a lot of people because they both bring so many uncertainties.

Mrs.D said...

Here's some unsolicited advice on the food thing. Just keep offering the SAME STUFF YOU EAT. DO NOT under any circumstance begin to make separate meals for her. I did that. I'd make easy, toddler friendly things for my son. And since he's been one or so, he's eaten pbj and about 11 other things EVERY day. I created a picky monster.

Great list and you have an adorable baby!

Loni said...

I have SO many of the same fears! About the ones pertaining to motherhood....loving your child like you do IS enough because it means that you care enough to try. And having a second baby is scary (I'm due with my third in a month), but it all seems to work out in the end. I look back now and think, "how in the hell did I do that?", but at the time I just did what I had to do. And you will too when the time comes!
Thanks for the comment..I am so happy to have found your blog!

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

Great post!!
I did fears as well!

Michelle said...

I totally forgot about adding fear of heights to my list. And don't fear the second child......just wait until your daughter is older before you start trying. I have a 3 year gap in between my girls and it is great. Close enough for them to be friends, but far enough apart to not compete.

Weeksie50 said...

Oh, we share many of the same fears.. The economic meltdown being one of them.. ACK.

Also failure..ugh..

TFS.

rachael said...

what an incredibly comprehensive and insightful list! i just want to tell you that i was freaked out when i found out i was having triplets because i wasn't sure i had enough love for one more baby, much less three. but your heart just grows, it doesn't divide, and i think you will be surprised by just how great you will be if you choose to have another baby! that being said...this list proves what a great mommy you are alreayd!

Jennifer said...

I love how you added pictures to your fears! And you don't have to fear having more children...I have 4 and it's not that bad! (most of the time anyway...lol)

Los said...

I don't even want to think about death ... I avoid thinking about my own mortality ... if I pondered it, I probably would never sleep again ... I don't even want to think about what life will be like when my parents pass (hopefully, I still have quite a few years left with them).

Mama's Losin' It said...

I have a lot of those same fears...especially fear for what lies ahead. I hope we start seeing improvements...and soon.

MommaKiss said...

hey, so how you feeling?? got any pics to share????