So I am back again for my weekly assignment from Mama Kat. I tend to usually pick the ones that require me to write about 10 things and this week is no exception!
So I am writing about my 10 biggest fears. These are in no particular order.
1. Death. The thought of losing someone I love is very scary to me. I know it's a part of life but I can't bare to think of someone that I love not being a part of my life. I just recently experienced that with my grandmother and I miss her so much every single day. I think about how we are all getting older and how Emily will lose her grandparents, her aunts and uncles and then her own parents. I fear losing my husband, and worse, I fear losing my child. I also fear death for myself. I don't fear being gone but I fear those left behind being in pain. I wouldn't want that. I would want them to carry me close to their heart and remember the good times, but I definitely wouldn't want them to be distraught or sad.
(this is the cemetery a lot of my family is buried in)
2. Heights. I hate heights. Maybe I should put it as my fear of falling because truly that is what it is. I fear falling from some place high and just the thought of it gives me anxiety...so on to the next one...
3. Ants. Yes I know, that is ridiculous - but it's true. I don't mind one or two ants but when they bring all their friends for a party in MY house...I ain't havin' it! And...if after they had their party in my house and they are all killed and gone and I spot just one little scout - I will FREAK OUT. True story. I am not posting a picture of ants because they freak me out that much...instead I will post one of my friend:
4. The Economic Crisis. Sure, we will bounce back from our current state, but when and at what costs? I worry about my family's future. I worry what all this will mean. Being in debt is not a fun situation and I hope that we can see some change for everyone VERY soon!
5. Failure. I am fearful of failing in any aspect of my life. Recently I have been feeling like a failure. I have gone from being a full-time business owner to a stay-at-home mom (for the most part). My business went from being successful enough to pay the bills at the office, pay the bills at home and keep money in my pocket to do things. Now, I make enough just to keep the doors open. It feels like a huge failure on my part but I know I am doing what I need to do for now. It's been a VERY hard thing for me to go through and I am still trying to find my spot. I don't want to admit defeat with my business because I am fearful that means I am a failure. I have never felt "failure" hit so close to home as it hits me now.
6. Change. So with the above-mentioned information about failure, I also fear change. I fear finding a new career - one that can keep me at home some of the time and at work for the other part of the time. I have ALWAYS had a huge problem with change and I try to avoid it at all costs. It scares me. Sure, I know change is a GOOD thing a lot of the times...but that doesn't mean I have to like it! :)
7. Motherhood. Now I don't fear being a mom, I just fear that I am not being a good-enough mom. I fear that my decisions and my actions will land Emily in therapy when she is older and will cause her a lot of pain. I fear that maybe she will grow up unhappy. I fear that I am doing everything wrong. All I know is I love her so very much, more than life itself. I just fear that may not be enough!
8. Car accidents. With this being said, I have a fear being in a car with someone driving other than me. I apologize to all those I have ridden with (you especially dear husband) and have been a nervous wreck. It isn't YOUR driving I don't like, it's the fear of other people's driving that will cause an accident. I wish I could relax more in a car but after being in 3 accidents (only one my fault) and one that has caused me YEARS (and probably a lifetime) of migraines and twisted vertebraes, I think I should be entitled to be somewhat fearful!
9. Another child. Now don't get me wrong. I WANT another baby! I really really want one. I am just fearful I won't be able to juggle two. I also can't imagine being so uncomfortable in the last month of pregnancy and Emily needing me to carry her around. When I was pregnant with Emily, the last month was PURE hell. My feet were SO swollen, she never ever dropped, and I was on bedrest. I fear if I am pregnant again, how will I take care of Emily if I am on bedrest with swollen feet, high blood pressure and a baby that won't move down?!? I fear that the new child will take up all my time and poor Emily will feel left out. I fear that I wouldn't be able to handle two. Moms do it every day, but I fear that maybe I won't be good at it???
That's me at almost 39 weeks preggers!
10. Baby Food and Crawling. Not that I fear those for myself, but I fear that the munchkin will never want to eat normal food and that she will go off to college with a jar of baby food, crawling into her dorm! She's 13 months and is just BARELY starting to self-feed. If it were up to her, she'd never do it. She will now take one tiny baby-sized bite (pun intended) of something we are eating and then that is it. She will sometimes pick something up, "put" it in her mouth, chew and then smile at us. Only to still see the tiny piece of food still stuck to her hand. She is also walking now, she just doesn't know it. Today I was walking with her and let her only grab my pinky finger. She BARELY had a hold of it and was walking. But to her, she's walking with help. I really hope she tackles these two milestones pretty soon! I know she will when she is ready but I fear, like I said, she'll be crawling off to her dorm room with jars of baby food!