Cheese!!!

I decided to join in on Mama Kat's assignment LAST week...however that has become an epic FAIL! I was battling a headache, battling the 3rd and 4th of July and just spending time with those I love (so okay - that's not a fail). And...well...I've just been lazy. But since the post is still staring at me - I'll finish it!

The assignment is to list 10 things that can make me smile when I am not happy. Easy peasy. By the way - these are in NO particular order!


Yup! My little girl is potty trained...for the most part! Pull ups for nap and night time but this morning she woke up mostly dry and at nap she was completely dry! Still having problems with getting poop in the potty - but I am ONE PROUD MOMMA!


This picture really does NO justice to this sunset! It was by far the reddest sunset I have ever seen. This is the view I am blessed with each night (this picture was taken kind of late). I absolutely love the sunsets each night!


Cute sleeping baby!


The munchkin having fun getting dirty!


The love of my life



Enough said.


Hiking at my favorite place - Big Basin in Santa Cruz, CA


ESPECIALLY this morning!


Sunset and the ocean together! :)


Again...enough said.

Farting and Snorting when Laughing

Today is Father's Day. I can say I am truly blessed to have wonderful men in my life. My dad, my step-dad and my father-in-law are great men who, despite adversities in their lives - have stepped up to the plate and have loved me for who I am, and more importantly, who I am not. I am truly truly truly grateful for them. I could NEVER express my love for them in words - but it's felt...deeply.

I'm also blessed to have picked the RIGHT husband to father my children. My husband is THE most dedicated father. He LOVES those little girls more than anything. The best part? It shows. Everyone sees it. Most importantly, the girls not only see it, but feel it too!

I love the way he parents our children. His patience is WAY better than mine. He is the most silliest dad and can always make them laugh. He wrestles and tickles and makes them fart and snort when laughing. The way that both of the girls light up when they see him is heartwarming.

It's a blessing to have children with this man. I am blessed. I am happy. I wouldn't want it any other way!

Here are some pics I took of the girls for Father's Day...






As it was pointed out to me on facebook, her bangs look super crooked. They aren't. Trust me. They are just the product of a 2 year old smashing her head in the ground like her sister, running her hands through her hair, rolling around, and having cowlicks...all while trying to take pictures!

Growing Up...

Allison had her six month well-baby appointment yesterday. She is growing so well! I have been worried about it because I was not able to breastfeed Emily due to severe MSPI and have been successful with Allison for six months thus far. Honestly - it feels GREAT to say that! BUT...it's a whole new experience to breastfeed this long so I never know how she is doing. Emily was a chunkster because she was on formula and Allison isn't as chunky as Emily was. BUT she's doing good with her growth - even with MSPI!

She is now 16.1 pounds and 26 inches long! She is in the 50th percentile for weight and dropped from the 90th percentile for height to the 75th. Doctor said she looks great! :)

I took this picture yesterday while she was napping in our bed. She looks so peaceful...so beautiful...so comfortable!

Guilt...

It seems like things have been moving in warp-speed yet in slow motion all at once.

The baby is already SIX months old! She turned 6 months on the 7th. How did that even happen? Wasn't she just born a month ago? That's what it seems like...at least to me. It's funny, the older you get...the faster time moves.

The munchkin is still not potty trained. It's been a source of frustration but we are working on it. There are two things kids have 100% control over...what goes into their body and what comes out. I have this weird feeling she will be 12, in diapers. I mean, thank goodness for adult diapers I suppose. She will get it...won't she? Or rather...she will WANT to get it...right?

I must admit that lately I've been feeling like a crappy parent. I am exhausted. For whatever reason Emily has been waking up throughout the night - almost every single damn night. It's not just once...but usually no less than five times (and saying 5 times is low). So I am up with her every half hour and then feeding Allison. Once I am done feeding Allison I can fall asleep only to be woken up for the day an hour later. I've been averaging about two hours of sleep a night. That's enough to make anyone crazy. How I make it through the day is beyond me...but I do. I've rediscovered caffeine.

I haven't been actively playing with the toddler as much as usual because I am just SO tired. Today was a day running on 1.5 hours of sleep so she watched more tv than I usually allow her to. Also, the baby was screaming her head off today for a good portion of it. Those damn teeth. They are so mean. I wish they'd pop through already so she could feel better. Poor thing. Excess tv, crying baby, whining toddler...but I just want to sleep and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel selfish. I feel guilty I am not being a better mother today but it's taking everything in me to even keep my eyes open, to even stand up.

I feel guilty I am not as available for the toddler as I use to be because I have to tend to the baby. I feel guilty the baby doesn't get as much time because I have to tend to the toddler. I feel guilty that it's difficult for me to go out in public with a toddler and a baby all by myself. I do it though. I strap the baby on and throw the toddler in the cart but that is usually a struggle with either the baby not wanting to be worn or the toddler just being 2 and acting it. I feel guilty I haven't figured out the simple solution...the easy solution....the comfortable one. I feel like all eyes are on me as I walk through the store with crying kids. I am *that* mom that I feared. The one with the screaming kid (and believe me - it's not every time - but when it DOES happen I feel full of anxiety). I never *got* it before having my own kids. I always wondered why the parent couldn't control their kid and I vowed to NEVER have *that* kid in public. Now I know better. I can just laugh and shake my head and remind myself she's two (or a baby if it's the baby) and at times I've been known to say that out loud to the gawkers.

I feel guilty I don't spend as much time with the husband lately. By the time the kids are in bed - we can have us time. Sadly, with 2 hours of sleep...I'd rather have time with my pillow. NOT saying I don't love my husband and miss him something fierce...because I do. I really really really do. We need to reconnect so badly. I yearn for the nights to just sit - glass of wine - talk - laugh - relax. I yearn for the backyard fire pit and just talking and reconnecting. But I just NEED to sleep so we can ALL be happy. The rare occasion that I DO stay up - it's a horrible night with kids that are awake or him snoring. It's inevitable...stay up late - don't sleep - miserable the next day. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Even if I shook the husband awake to deal with the toddler - or to turn over - I'd still be woken up. I'm a light sleeper so I'm just going to wake up.

The husband usually encourages me to take a nap - so I try. I really really try. But I can't sleep. I think it's because I am just OVER tired. That...or because as I said...I'm a really light sleeper.

Two kids is tough. I didn't think it would be. I envisioned the happy go lucky family with giggles and tantrums that just roll off your back. I envisioned the toddler loving all things little sister and all of us happy all the time (or most of it). I envisioned just like the movies - and I know better - but I did picture it to be that way. And it will be easier the older the baby gets - but it's hard for me with the husband gone at work lately. But I'll hurdle it - I always do. :)

And I am sure I don't NEED to say this because those that know me - know this...but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't. No matter how much I vent or complain. No matter how much I whine or bitch. I LOVE those little boogers (and they are sick right now so there are lots of boogers) more than anything on this planet. I also love that big booger known as my husband. It's just hard sometimes. I worry. I worry I am screwing the kids up. I worry I will be their cause for therapy. This mom stuff...hardest job I have ever had!

Am I the only mom that has ever felt this way? Because most days - I think I am.

But come on...with all the feelings of guilt and all the thoughts of "am I royally screwing up their lives" - nothing compares to the love for these two...NOTHING:



And by the way (I know you aren't suppose to start sentences with "And" - but I do because it's my blog and I can!) - I'm sorry for the downer post. Just being real with how I have been feeling lately. I know it won't always be like this! I started this post yesterday and since I actually SLEPT last night - I am MUCH happier today! We ALL are! Happy toddler - happy baby - happy mommy! :) YAY!

I promise to bring you happier posts in the near future! :)

Happiness

She didn't perform - too scared. But I was still super proud!

happy feet!


cuddled up with a sleeping baby!

The innocence of a Merry-Go-Round

Ice Cream!

Deep Breath...Deep Breath...

The toddler is about to have her very first dance recital here in an hour and a half. I am a nervous wreck for her! I'm blogging to help me to calm down! LOL!

I think if we hadn't had such a HORRIBLE dress rehearsal - she would be okay. But...it went badly. Very badly. So badly I still get teary thinking about it.

We were told no parents allowed in for dress rehearsal and were told it would be about 15 minutes. Okay. Fine. I HATED watching her walk in with a stranger but I figured it would just be her class and then they'd be done and the next class would go.

About 10 minutes into it - a lady walked out in a hurry and told me she needed me. I walked in to a crowd of over 100 people finding my daughter in some lady's arms bawling her eyes out. She was absolutely hysterical! I don't blame her. A two year old - all alone - not knowing anyone - in a crowd of over 100 - with some lady she didn't know holding her. I'd be hysterical too.

She was SO SO SO upset - I had never witnessed her that scared in her short 2.5 years on this planet. That night she even wanted me to sleep in her room with her - so I did. She is still nervous about it so I can't imagine tonight being smooth - but I'm hopeful.

She's my little rockstar and even if she doesn't get up on stage - I will be the proudest momma there!

Is It Me??

There are a few times of day I despise in this household. If the husband is at home I don't dislike them that much, but when he's at work...I hate them. Yes, I can use the word hate because that's how much I don't like them.

The first is getting out the door in the morning for our walk - or for anything really. It goes something like this:

Baby wakes up crying. Needs fed. Toddler wakes up. Needs fed. Doesn't understand why she must wait and a breakdown ensues. Baby finishes eating, poops, change diaper. Then it's time to change the toddler out of her night-time diaper and into another one. Toddler is still pissed - especially since I take even MORE time away from her breakfast to get her dressed and do her hair - making sure to remind her NOT to take off her shoes 23908409248 times in hopes she listens. Doing all this may or may not result in a time out due to her hitting because she's pissy because she's hungry and grumpy. Finally feed her and all is happy in toddler world.

Then the baby starts crying again. Get her dressed and the toddler comes in her room to happily announce she took off her shoes. I put them back on. I then place the baby in her crib and I get dressed - praying she won't spit up on me. Baby starts crying because her mobile stopped turning. Can hear the toddler getting into things she shouldn't be and call for her. No toddler shows up. Grab the baby - go to put her in the car seat and low and behold - here comes the spit up. Damnit. Time to change. I change. Put baby in car seat, load up bags, grab toddler's shoes she took off AGAIN and put them on. Grab everyone, get ready to hit the alarm to the house and walk out the door and then the toddler says so sweetly "did you go poo poo?" I sigh, look at her and ask if she did. She says yes. RAR.

Undress toddler, change her diaper, get clothes and shoes back on. Get everything packed up again and get ready to walk out and then hear the baby poop. Are you fricken kidding me? Take her out of the car seat, change the diaper, go to put her back in the car seat and I get spit up on again. Change clothes for me. Then pack everyone back up, put the toddler's shoes back on AGAIN, get out the door...FINALLY. By the way...this is without me showering (I usually shower after my walk). I am now frustrated and pissy and REALLY needing my walk.

The second time of day I hate is bedtime. The toddler's bedtime coincides with the baby's witching hour. I have now been bathing the toddler early to ease some of the tension that happens. But it's inevitable. When I am alone...it's gonna happen. 7:00 - the baby starts fussing. The toddler is eating dinner and I am trying to calm the baby and tend to the toddler who is now mimicking the baby and wanting attention too. Toddler is done eating - have to put the baby down who is now even more pissed and screaming even louder. I clean the toddler up - get her out of the high chair and run back to the baby who is beyond pissed. Cuddle the baby for a bit - realize it's now getting even closer to the time the toddler has to be in bed. Toddler isn't cleaning up toys or listening - but is acting out because the baby is screaming and I am holding her. Finally have to talk sternly to the toddler to clean up her toys - giving her a choice of me cleaning them up (which means they all go away) or her doing it. She gets it done and now it's time to change into pjs, brush teeth, call daddy, read a book and get into bed. To do this, the baby has to be alone. I put her in her crib with the mobile. She is quiet for all of 30 seconds as the mobile goes around - then she starts screaming. Leave the toddler - start the mobile back up. Repeat about 3 times. Now baby just continues to scream and scream - is mad at the mobile - is mad at mommy - is mad at the world. Toddler isn't listening - wants to play and do everything to get out of going to bed. Finally I am able to get her into bed (with threats of time out if she gets out of bed) - go into the baby's room who is now about to die because she's screaming SO loudly with a billion tears streaming down her face. It's heartbreaking. The toddler can semi-understand to wait - the baby can't. Get her in her pjs, change diaper and feed and then put into crib and shut the door. Come out to the couch...just about in tears...sit down and exhale for the first time the entire day.

Listening to the baby cry for almost an hour is enough to drive anyone crazy. I feel I can't skip out on the toddler every night just because the baby is crying. It's not fair to her. She needs mommy time because our time has become super limited since the baby joined our family. It breaks my heart the toddler suffers because of the baby. It breaks my heart the baby has to scream her pretty little head off in need of mommy time as I am tending to the toddler. I just CAN'T be two places at once and it sucks. Really sucks.

Seriously...how do moms do this without going crazy? The toddler is 2.5 and the baby is just shy of 5 months. There are moms that have four kids that can do this without so much of a breakdown. Are their kids further in age? Do the older siblings help the younger ones? Is it just two that makes it more difficult and if we had three it wouldn't be as hard? I feel like I am failing. What am I doing wrong here?

I know it won't be this hard forever - but when you are in the middle of it - it sure feels like this is how life is going to be for a very long time. Sigh.

Get Over It...

So I haven't blogged in a while - on purpose. You want to know why? Every time I come to my page to put up a new blog - I realize my "dream" blog will disappear. I like looking at those pictures and daydreaming. Sigh. But all good things must come to an end and my dream of kid-free-relaxing-not-a-care-in-the-world-days are over. For now. I need to get over it.

A lot has been going on lately. Some good. Most good. But also some hard times as well. I've been going through a lot lately and am working to get through it. This mom stuff isn't easy. In fact, it's the hardest job I've ever had. Seriously. A lot of times it is just me, no husband because he has to make the money, so it's just me and two kids. My conversations are usually "did you go poo poo?" and "do that again and it's time out". Don't get me wrong - I love being a stay at home mom (damn that's still hard to admit), but sometimes I long for adult conversation.

Anywho...I've been trying to keep busy. Busier than I have been...which actually does not sound sane. I've taken up walking in the morning. It's nice. Peaceful (even with two kids). It's also good for me.

We've also done a bit lately. We've gone to Marine World (yes I know it's called Discovery Kingdom - but it will always be "Marine World" to me). We bought season passes since the place is literally 2 minutes from our house. Emily LOVES it. Allison could care less!

Love this first picture of Emily and her friend looking at each other!



We also spent a day in the snow. All the resorts are closed and the season is pretty much over - but there is still a lot of snow! We found a Sno-Park and were the only ones there! Emily and her friend had a BLAST! Allison, again, could care less.



This one is of the girls flipping over - I love this one!
When all else fails...slide down on your tummy!

And amongst all our outings - our toddler also transitioned into big-girldom. She now has her very own big girl's bed! It's been pretty easy for the most part. She's gotten up in the middle of the night quite a few times but she loves it!



On the baby front...Allison is doing well! She just had her 4 month check up (although she's almost 5 months). She is at the 50th percentile for weight and 90th percentile for height! The kid is 26 inches tall! She's cutting her first tooth which is sloooowwwwllllyyy coming in. You can see it - but it's just not all the way through yet. Hopefully the little bugger will pop through and she will be a little happier. Don't get me wrong - she is a GREAT baby - but there are more and more moments lately where she's fussy over that darn thing!

So that's the latest update for all you family members and friends who have been bugging me to add pictures and update on the girls!

Well - I'm off to relax for now. Both kids are sleeping for the moment and I'm going to *try* and take advantage of it. Hope I didn't just jinx myself!

I Have A Dream...

I have a dream and it goes something like this:

An Angel Amoung Us...

I rarely promote other people's blog unless I think it's for a good cause. I guess I'm selfish. Who knows. But I just don't do it.

BUT...over at Perfect Pen - there is a vlog for you all to see. Kim's Angel's is a new organization created in order to raise money for cancer victims, families with children who suffer from life threatening diseases and families in need.

The owner of the blog has started an AMAZING organization in honor of her mother who passed away from lung cancer. How freakin' awesome is that? It's truly inspiring that this young blogger has decided to dedicate her time and energy to helping others. I am personally touched because I have known so many people that have died from cancer - both family members and friends. Personally, I think cancer can kiss my ass!

But now...it's time for all of us to make a difference! Sure, all of us think about it and at some point in our life as we stand in line at the grocery store. Some of us will donate to causes, walk a marathon, or whatever...but she started up an entire organization just to help those in need. I am truly inspired!

They offer special events throughout the year - from head shaving events to walks to bake sales and all that money is given to the appropriate charity or people that need it. I honestly can say that although I DO give to charity - I don't have the balls to actually start my own organization to do this. It's amazing how such a young person could think so selflessly. It's rare to find that quality in people these days.

So I encourage all of you...every single one of you...to take seven minutes (that's how long her vlog is) and watch her blog, learn about her charity and take the time to really contribute - how little or how big that you can!

You can find all the info by clicking on this link right here. Do something for someone else...it's worth it!

I need some blojo

Blogjo. Don't be dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter. I just need some mojo for my blog...so I guess we can call it blojo? I used to blog all the time and now...not so much. Perhaps the newest addition to our family has something to do with it...perhaps it's kind of lost it's appeal...who knows. I just need some blojo to help me get back on the blog track. (well come to think of it...I need some 'jo' for lots of things I need to get back on track with...dojo (for my diet), exjo (for exercising), slojo (sleep), relojo (relaxing)...okay I'll stop.)

Easter came and went. It was a great time! One of the better holidays we have had here. We always have great holidays at our house with family and friends - but this one was so nice.

The day before Easter we made our way down to the community park for the annual Easter Egg hunt. There were a billion people there. Literally. I counted. They did the egg hunt in groups by age. Emily's group had 1500 eggs to find. They weren't hard to find as they just throw them out. Out of the 1500...our sweetheart got 5. BUT...SHE got 5. We didn't get her 5. The other kids had TONS of eggs in their baskets in which their parents got for them. I was proud of her 5 little eggs and she was too! Erik and Emily even made the newspaper - just a picture of them during the hunt. It's adorable!

This is her after the hunt...


Easter morning was great. Emily woke up to find her Easter basket filled with a bunch of stuff. She was excited - but not as excited as she was to actually see the eggs the Easter Bunny left in the backyard. :) She LOVED finding them. I didn't get "pictures" - just video. However, our video camera will take a picture if someone smiles so it did capture this one:



After all the excitement of the egg hunt - it was time to get dressed...for mommy. Yes, I am all about the dresses, the cuteness and the pictures. My husband could care less and so could the kids - but I LOVE it and just had to have my fix. I don't ask for much - it's just important to me to dress up and get pictures at holidays and such.







After our delicious-to-die-for brunch...Emily wanted to have a tea party. Grandma Shell was so excited that she brought stuff just for the tea party. She brought hats and cookies and apple juice. Emily never had a better tea party in her life!

{sorry it's dark - again...video camera snapshot}

Everyone ended up getting in on the tea party. I wore a tiara but there are no pics of me...darn it! (That is a sarcastic darnit by the way)

Grandma Shell...


Grandma Alma...

And my absolute favorite picture...my dad (and if you know my dad - this isn't his cup of tea! HA! Okay...pun intended)


Great day! Great Fun! Lots of love, laughter and memories! And most importantly...champagne! :)