Now I don't expect anyone to understand, so just know I am merely venting. I know I do have some readers that will be able to sympathize as they too are married to a firefighter ("ff") or a cop or military personnel. I will have others who can imagine themselves in my shoes and can probably relate. I will then have the others that will tell me to suck it up and get over it! :) LOL!
But today...and actually lately...I miss my husband. It's not like he is gone on a strike team for days on end, but some days it feels like that. He's been working so much lately and it feels like we haven't spent much time together. This week I have been able to spend three whole days with him. Today he is back on shift for another 24 hour run and tomorrow he is teaching for a good portion of the day. I know this is how it is, I married into it. I was with him while he pursued his dream and I was with him when he achieved it. I was initiated into this, just like he was, but on the side of a spouse. I know it's hard on him to be away from us too and I am not asking him to change his career or even fix this situation, all I am saying is I miss him. I think I am allowed to do that from time to time, right?
Some days I can't WAIT for him to go back on shift! I look forward to two days of sleeping in the middle of the bed at night with no background noise coming from his nose! I look forward to lounging in my pjs all day long if I feel like it! I look forward to giving myself a facial and walking around in a green mask on my face without the humiliation of him having to see it and laugh at me! LOL! I look forward to watching anything and everything I want on tv without comments of how reality tv is lame. But then, there are days I hate it. Like today.
I think the spouse of a ff looks at the backside of a front door differently than the spouse of those in different professions, with the exception of Police and Military. I think we look at the door wondering if today is the day, that our ff does not come home. Our ffs work odd hours, in our department it is 2 days on, 4 days off. Sure, most people think the 4 days off is heaven, but with us, especially lately, the 4 days off are more like 2.5.
The past two years he has worked every single holiday. That means Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, New Years Eve, etc. Which means, for the past 2 years, I have been alone on those holidays. Sure, we celebrate on a different day, but while the entire world is celebrating ON that day, I don't get to experience that with my husband, and I want to. It breaks my heart he isn't always here to see Emily's "firsts". Sure, he sees it when he gets home and I do my best to video tape when I can, but it isn't the same as being here. He was gone on her first Christmas morning and will be again this year when she might just get it a little more. Sure, we'll celebrate on a different day...after all, Santa does special deliveries when daddy's (or mommy's) have to work on Christmas Eve/Day...but it isn't the same.
So today, I think I can feel lonely. Today, I think it should be okay for me to miss him. For today, I think I can dislike being a FFW (firefighter's wife). Please don't tell me "he makes good money so get over it" when you see your spouse every single day and get to sleep next to him/her every single night. Please don't tell me "it's no big deal" when the most you have been away from your spouse is between the hours of 8-5. And please don't tell me "it's not that bad" when you don't worry about your spouse walking out the door and never coming back home. I have been told all those things from various people who thrive on being able to see their spouses every night. I know they are just trying to help me get through the hard times. But...it still hurts just the same. And I know Erik will do everything in his power to be safe. He is very trained and I trust and love the guys he works with, but you just never quite know what can happen...to any of us. So today...I am where I am in feeling like this and I am telling myself it's okay to feel this way today!
Tomorrow...I am sure I'll be over it! :)