Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Today I was happy to see my grandma. It was bittersweet. She cried while I was there visiting. She started crying and just said "I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me!" She said she was scared and my heart just broke. It was SO HARD not to run into the bathroom and cry because both my mom and I sat there knowing exactly what her diagnosis is but she doesn't know yet. I am terrified how she'll take hearing the news on Friday and I am sure my mom is too. When she was crying I had to focus on Emily so I wouldn't cry and I just looked at my grandma with compassion and love. I didn't know what to do or say other than "it's all going to be okay". Not sure if I was lying or if I was being honest. She knows her appointment on Friday won't be a good one. She's already in denial about it. She keeps forgetting the time of the appointment and told my mom today that she never knew it could be leukemia but yet told my cousin yesterday it could be. We think she's doing that because she doesn't want to face the possibility, or rather, the reality, of what it is. It was hard for me and I have carried her tears with me all day. I just wish I could fix this but I know it's not up to me. It's up to God. This is all in His hands and if it's her time, then it is. I just wish it wasn't! :(

But I am thankful I got to see her. I am thankful I had a good day with her and with my mom. I think we all tend to take for granted the people in our lives sometimes and when something like this happens you tend to look at everyone in your life in a different way. I look at everyone and wonder if they know how much I love them. Sure, I say it. Sure, I show it. But do they REALLY know - do they REALLY feel what I feel inside? I can't even put it into words so they couldn't possibly know. Love can't really be explained because it's personal to each person and the feelings that go with it are unique to each individual. I just know that I love the people in my life more than I could EVER express and I hope that everyone knows that. I hope that if I were to die tonight that each person in my life would know how thankful and how blessed I feel that they have been a part of me. There are people I have never met (only met online) that carry a huge part in my heart. There are people that I don't hang out with much and don't really know that also carry a big part in my life. There are those that do talk and see me regularly that carry a huge part in my heart as well. I wonder if these people know that? I can tell them - but do they believe it I wonder?

Anyways...those are my thoughts for the moment. I have to get ready for bed because I am exhausted. I feel I haven't slept in forever. I have emails I need to write but I think they will have to wait until tomorrow now.

We had an earthquake earlier around 730 with a few aftershocks. It was a 3.9 and centered about a mile or so from us. It was weird, my initial reaction was to run and pick Emily up. I have lived in California my entire life and have felt quite a few earthquakes in my 33 years and it was so minor but I just wanted to protect her and hoped it didn't scare her. She had no clue it even happened but I did! I am hoping there won't be more tonight! It's strange that since I moved to American Canyon I have only felt 2 and I have lived here for 5 years. Before I moved here and lived in Walnut Creek, Concord and Antioch, I felt them ALL the time. I guess there aren't any major faults around her like there were at all the other places I lived!

Anyways I am off to bed to read and fall asleep! If you made it this far - thanks for taking the time to read!

Until tomorrow...

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