Monday, March 2, 2009

Thoughts...

It seems like I am never here blogging anymore. I guess in reality...I am not.

It seems like I am never around anymore. I guess in reality...I am not either.

Since going back to school - it sure feels like I am CONSTANTLY on the go. If I am not at home, I am at work...which honestly, I am RARELY at. If I am not home...I am in school. If I am AT home...I am studying or working.

I miss my family SOOOOO MUCH. I miss my husband. I miss our friendship. I miss 'us'. I miss my daughter. Yes, I see her everyday - but not in the same capacity I am accustomed to! When I leave for school, or for anything really, she calls my name over and over as I am leaving. The other day I had to go into the office to do my taxes and I cried on the way there because she kept calling for me as I walked out. Right now it's making me teary thinking about it.

I feel like she is experiencing new things that I don't get to witness anymore because life has gotten so busy. She is growing so fast and I wish I could spend the same amount of time as I use to with her.

I know school is the RIGHT decision for me right now. There is no doubt. I also knew before starting that there would be sacrifices. Some days I am okay with them. Some days, I am not. Like right now.

As I type this right now, hubby is playing with her. I want to be playing too but I need to work (I am multi-tasking right now). I have clients I have neglected because of life being so busy. Hell, I have a business that is BARELY running right now. I have people I need to please and sometimes that just seems overwhelming, ya know??? I also need to study because I have TWO midterms this week. One, I am quite sure, is going to kick my ass...royally.

The time I do have I spend with the munchkin, but it isn't what I am use to. I wonder if I will get use to how it is now. I know anything worth something takes hard work to achieve it. (Did that sentence make sense??). I know in the long run I will look back and think it was worth it. I know I am NOT going to fully neglect my daughter - EVER. If school takes up too much time and it feels like it is getting to the point where I never ever see her...I am quitting. NO ifs, ands or buts about that. I just wish I had the same amount of time with her like I did. The amount of time I had with her before was pretty much 24/7. Now...it's just a tiny bit decreased but I feel the decrease. I know she loves me. I know she knows I love her. I guess we just both need to adjust. It's okay to let hubby take care of her more. It's okay to let him take on more of the responsibility that I use to have. It's okay to reach for a goal. It's okay to do something for ME once in a while.

I am just not use to putting myself first, second, or even third. It is just taking some adjustment! Some adjustment with tears.

7 comments:

Kimmy said...

I was there once. Hang in there cause it will get better. Thinking of you....(((BIG HUGS)))

Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

You know... I am going to say something that may not be PC or very "Pro EveryMom"... but...
ENJOY YOUR DAUGHTER! School will always be there, she won't always be this small. Are you going to have another child? What then?
Daycare all day while you are at school?

I'm just saying... you became a Mother, and you don't have to put yourself second, or third... but do what your heart wants you to do.
If you are blessed to have a hubby that can support you and your daughter, and you can run you biz... do it.

Or... take one class at a time. It'll take longer... but our kids aren't kids for every long.

Take it from me. as they get older, they need us even more.

School will always be there.

Denise said...

Thanks.

I am only taking two classes right now, I am not going full-time. I cannot even imagine how much LESS time I would see her if I did go full-time.

IF we did have another child (which we will) - we would not do daycare. We are fortunate with hubby's schedule that he is off 4 days a week and trades are easy to get (usually) if needed so I can go to class 2 days a week.

If I went back to putting all my effort into my business - I would be gone even more and then day care MAY have to come into play some - which we don't want to do. NOT saying anything is wrong with day care - it's just not for us right now.

I guess my post sounded like I NEVER see her - which isn't true. I see her every single day...just am not taking care of her 24/7 and am giving hubby more responsibility now.

Young Momma said...

I know how it feels. I had to take a job when I lived in the East Bay that was all the way in the Peninsula - because the pay was just something I wasn't going t get in the East Bay. I left the house at 6am and didn't get home until 8pm. Days would go by when I wouldn't see my youngest awake. It was miserable for awhile. We all have to go through hard times when it comes to being a mom. I'm glad you said that if it becomes too much you know you'll stop. But you should do what feels right to you, and if school is it right now, then good for you!!! You're doing something that will eventually make life so much easier (financially) for your whole family.

I do have a question though. What will happen with school after you have another baby?? And (since im nosy and know all lol jk) when you do graduate to do what your gonna do, what will you do as far as work schedules with you and your hubs?

SwizzlestickMama said...

I hope it gets easier rather than harder. I can't even imagine carrying a schedule like that (though I am considering it come fall...). I am nervous about all that it may bring.

You will be so proud of yourself for going back...and your daughter will be proud too. She will....and she'll look up to all that you've accomplished.

The Wife O Riley said...

I know how you feel. My youngest daughter goes to my mother-in-law's house on Wednesday nights and doesn't come back until Saturday morning. I wish I didn't have to work and be able to keep her at home with me.

Minxy Mimi said...

Awww, any change is hard, and I am sorry you are so overwhelmed. I agree with Saundra, just take one class if it bothers you so much! There has so be a (somewhat) happy medium out there for you!