And Moving On...

So I am moving on from my not-so-good days I have had and taking each hour as it comes along!

This Challenge has kept me on my toes and more focused on the good things in life and on...well...being a better me. Funny how it has done that.

So I had not accomplished Day 7 ON Day 7. In fact, I don't see that I have really accomplished it yet. It was for me to do something nice for a stranger - and to be creative about it. Well...ummm. I failed. I did manage to wave a man who was on a walk with about 5 kids across the cross walk as we waited (and were in a hurry to get the kid home for her nap). That's nice right? I also managed yesterday to play with a little girl at my daughter's tumbling class whose mom was probably about 6 months pregnant. Is that nice? Hmmm. I still need to work on this one.

Day 8 was to do something fun. Dance in the living room. Have a picnic in the park. Go shopping. Just HAVE FUN!

I DID manage to do that! YAY me! :) We went shopping in the morning to Target. LOVE Target. The kid got new sunglasses...



We also bought a much needed clock for our kitchen and the baby got a new piggy bank!

After Emily's nap, we were able to surprise her with a Barbie Jeep given to us by one of Erik's co-workers. She was petrified of it at first. Lots of tears. BUT...after a bit - she LOVED it.



I wish I could show the video but I can't seem to save it to my computer.

Day 9 says: Let's start getting things DONE! You know that to do list that you've been staring at or thinking of for FOREVER? Today you get to tackle one of those tasks that has just not been attended to for quite some time.
You will feel SUCH a sense of relief when it's finally crossed off the list.

I think I am going to do this after I get done here.

Which leads us to today...Day 10: We're almost half way there!!! And with 11 more days to go, we definitely need to be working on patience. Let today's focus be on just that. Lots of deep breaths. Breathe. Patience.

I have a newborn and a 2.5 year old. Enough said.

Challenge Shmallenge.

I am anti this 21-day challenge to a new and better me today. I have survived day 4, 5 and 6. I even wrote a long post about day 4. I deleted it.

This was Day 4's challenge:

Often times we can get caught up in negative self talk. Or in being negative period. We tend to speak to ourselves more horribly than we would ever imagine speaking to someone we love. So today, that stops. With every negative thought that comes into your mind, first immediately STOP it...And then, replace that thought with what is TRUE and positive. Even better, get some index cards and write out the negative thought on one side, and the truth on the other. Along with the truth, you could find a bible verse or quote that further encourages you in that area. Notice what a difference you feel about yourself and about life at the end of the day.

I did do this and I am really challenging myself to keep at it. I talk really horrible to myself and I REALLY do not ever want my girls to ever feel about themselves the way I feel about myself at times. I need to learn to be more gentle with myself. I need to realize that I am not always going to be superwoman. I am not always going to have a spotless house. I am not going to be back to my ideal weight tomorrow (I just gave birth for crying out loud!). I am not going to always be the perfect smiling woman I should be. But that's okay. I am human. I have flaws. I am not perfect, and I will never be. It's okay to be who I am and not strive to please everyone else. I just need to learn to be okay with that myself. So I am working on it. It's rough. But I am who I am and I think I am pretty friggen awesome and don't care if no one else appreciates that!

Day 5...

Imagine all the things we could get done if we didn't have social media....for example: Facebook & Twitter. Let's try it out and see just what happens when we take a break for 24 hours. Take notes on what you accomplish in the time not wasted.

FAIL. I did manage not to Facebook or Twitter for about 18 hours - but then I caved. It's rough because at 4am when I am nursing a baby, it has been my company. It has kept me awake.

Day 6...

Sometimes we get so busy that we forget to stop and rest in God's presence. And instead at the end of the day, as we're drifting off to sleep, we give him what's left. If even that. But how much better would things be, if we began AND ended our day with intentional time with Him? Today's your chance. Wake up a few minutes early and spend that time being with Him. And at the end of the day, before you're even a tad bit sleepy, sit aside time to be with Him once again. Make it personal.
Make it intentional. And see how it may just be the sweetest time you've had all day.

The last line of the challenge...how it may just be the sweetest time I have had all day...proved right. I have had a few days of not so good lately. I know at times when I feel so alone...like no one in this entire world cares about me...God is there. HE cares. Sometimes that is all I need to get me through the day. That has definitely been what I needed the past few days.

Day 7...

todays challenge: Today's challenge is simple. Find a way to help a stranger. Be creative!

Today I am actually probably not leaving the house. I am EXHAUSTED. Due to my "not so good" days - I haven't slept much. In fact, I probably slept 4 hours in two days. That's it. So although I had plans to go out today - I am not sure if I will end up going because the lack of sleep has now invaded my entire body and I am burnt. Headache. Clumsiness. Lack of brain power (as probably evidenced by this post!). I am going to rest while the toddler naps (that is if the newborn allows me to) and see how I feel after that. I tend to never be able to sleep when I try to take a nap. If I don't make it out today - I do plan on venturing out and about tomorrow - sleep or not - and I will figure out something to do! :)

This hasn't necessarily been easy - this "challenge". I guess that's why it's called a challenge...but it's been rough the past few days! But...I am sure the days ahead will get easier for me and I will be back to my happy self! :)

(Thanks Summer for the challenge!)

Challenge Day 3

So for this 21 day challenge...today's challenge is something I actually do quite a bit on this blog. The challenge today says:

Today's focus is on the blessings in your life. My mentor mom keeps a blessings journal, and each day she keeps track and writes down all the blessings of her day.
I think it's such an incredible idea, one that can only bring about joy.
So grab a notebook and keep track of each and every blessing that comes your way.
When you're looking for them, you'll be sure to find them

Believe it or not, I use to do this every day...find at least ONE thing that I was grateful for and was a blessing to me. On tough days...the cereal I had in the morning was the only thing I could find. On great days - I'd have a million things (okay not that many - but I'd have a lot!) Some of you may also remember that I did Thankful Tuesday which I have stopped doing since I was REALLY slow in blogging for a while. Maybe I will pick that back up...

Anyways...getting back on track...

So this morning I was already thinking of some before I even saw today's challenge.

I am so blessed to have my sister-in-law in my life. This morning I was thinking how great it will be to get a date night with my husband for our anniversary. Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow but he's working so we will celebrate on Thursday. Do you know that in almost a year we have not been out together...alone? How insane is that? So I am truly blessed she will be around to do that for us.

I am blessed with a wonderful, adorable, handsome, sexy, funny, dorky, passionate, big hearted, caring, loving, beautiful man as a husband. I am blessed with two amazing daughters that have brought me more joy than I could EVER describe in words...ever. I am blessed with friends who have touched my life in such profound ways...and probably don't even know it!

I am blessed the scale showed a smaller number than it had the previous weigh-in. (I am doing Weight Watchers online and every Tuesday I weigh in).

I am blessed my mom will be available to watch our oldest tomorrow so that I can take Allison to the doctor for an ultrasound on her hips (she was breech and it's standard practice). We aren't allowed to bring other children so I am blessed she is able to do that!

I am blessed with a beautiful home my husband has worked his ass off to provide for us. I am blessed with all the beautiful belongings we have in our home. I am blessed with my family here and my family that has already passed.

I am blessed to just be me. I find myself complaining a lot about lack of sleep or lack of help or two tantrumy kids (can a newborn be tantrumy?) and I need to really focus on the blessings and stop allowing the negative things influence my day. Yeah, I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, had a snoring husband and a baby who didn't sleep through the night like she normally does...but you know what? That's more than a lot of people have. I am so blessed to have a snoring husband. I am blessed to have a baby. I am blessed to be able to wake up and actually get out of bed, healthy enough to take care of a family. I have no right to complain when there are people searching for their one true love and haven't met them yet. I have no right to complain when I am truly blessed to have children - healthy children - that do wake me up when there are couples that try for years and years and are unable to have children. I am blessed to get 4 hours of sleep when a soldier may have been up fighting for MY freedom for and hasn't slept in 72 hours. I am blessed to be able to open my eyes and take in this world, hear my children laugh, to be able walk and talk, and get out of bed each day. There are a lot of people who can't do some of that, or any of that.

And for that...I am truly blessed.

Now tell me...what blessings have you found in your life...not just today...but every day?

And...again...I encourage you to start the challenge. It's okay if you start late...I did. Just click HERE and get to work!

til tomorrow...

It's Just 21 Days...

So I found this challenge today and I thought it sounded like a good thing to try! After all...it's only 21 days!

I am already late in starting so I must catch up.

For the first challenge I have to give something up for 21 days. I am late in doing this and already blew it today - but starting tomorrow I am giving up peanut butter oreos. Lame. But...when you are on this crazy no milk/no soy diet...peanut butter oreos are HEAVEN. Nevermind there is a BRAND NEW package in the pantry. BUT...for 21 days I can give it up. That's 3 weeks - and since I am a few days late...it's more like 19 days!

The second challenge for today says:

Let today be a day that you are focused on going out of your way to show love and kindness to the people around you. Whether that means sending a card, writing a thoughtful email or note, doing a chore for someone, or spending extra intentional time with a friend, child or family member.... Whatever it may be, just find as many ways as you can throughout the day and do them. And do them with a heart full of love.

So today it's all about Emily. Erik went snowboarding, Allison is hanging out in Allison style and Emily and I are playing. Can you believe I busted out the Wii and showed her how to sword fight? Bad mommy? Fun mommy? Not sure mommy. But it was fun and we laughed and laughed. We have cuddled, and watched tv, talked, laughed some more. And now...it's time for me to get back to her!

Til my next challenge...

By the way...I encourage all of you to play along! Just head on over HERE and have some fun!

After all...what's 21 days!

Daily Life

Every day is filled with new feats, new adventures, new struggles. Okay, not so new struggles, it's the same struggles - but some days it seems harder than the time before, and sometimes it seems easier.

Going from one child to two is rough. I hate to admit this, but I rarely leave the house with both kids. I think the only time I have left the house alone with both kids was when I was meeting someone somewhere...otherwise I just don't do it. I am not quite ready for it yet. As it is, when we go out, it always seems that both kids melt down at the same time. That's a tough one for me to deal with in public. I feel like all eyes are on me and moms can be SO judgmental of other moms that it usually gets my anxiety going. Plus just listening to both of them at the same time is enough to drive someone insane. But I am learning and I am feeling more confident and am hoping when Erik goes back to work this next shift that I will venture out for a quick trip...alone. Pray for me.

Allison is smiling more and more and I think twice she has giggled. It isn't a full-on giggle but I took it as one. I can't wait to hear them when they are in full-effect! She has been doing good with the MSPI. It's a rough diet for me to follow but it has gotten easier. I even ate dinner out (breakfast is easier) at Red Robin. I was ecstatic that they have an allergy menu so I was able to order a burger and fries and not have any reactions from Allison! It tasted SO GOOD that I was sure they screwed up my order! Alas...they didn't! :)

Emily is growing growing growing too. I am ready to start potty training her full-on. I seriously think it's time. She, on the other hand, doesn't think it is. Sigh. She has gone potty on the toilet a few times but that's about it. I kick myself every day for stopping the potty training right when we were moving. It was a huge mistake. BUT...I know she isn't going to be 12 in diapers...or at least I hope not. So little by little I am hoping she learns and before too long we will be diaper free! Oh the joy! I am hoping before our trip to Disneyland in November that she'll be pretty good without diapers! Fingers crossed.

We got pictures of the kids done the other day and I thought I'd upload a few. The ones we have framed I didn't scan before they were framed so you won't get to see those. They were cutest ones I must say. The one below of both of them made it into a frame but we got extras so I was able to scan it. Sadly, there were no pictures with both of them together where Emily looked at the camera.







Oh how I love those two little munchkins!

Reflecting

Back and forth and back and forth...you are swinging quietly in your swing, not a care in the world. You are so precious, so innocent. You depend on me for your life. I feed you. I bathe you. I hold you. I rock you. We dance, I sing. Your blue eyes are taking everything in. My face. Your own reflection. Your sister. Your daddy. I enjoy nursing you. I enjoy our bond. You are my second born, my youngest, my sweet sweet newborn. I look at you and wonder what you will look like when you reach your sister's age. I wonder what your personality will be like. I wonder if you actually will have blonde hair. I am pretty confident you will keep your blue eyes. I wonder what you will love to do. I wonder what will make you giggle. I can't wait to find out. You are everything to me.

Sitting next to me, playing your latest obsession, you are my precious precious first born. When you were born you looked JUST like your daddy. Today as I watched you dance, talk to me, and play, I realized you look like me at that age. Your new haircut, your big eyes, your skin tone. I see me in you so much more. I am truly honored. You are so beautiful, so sweet, so funny, so perfect. I worry about you. I worry for the first day of preschool. I worry you will be scared or sad to be on your own. I want to do everything to protect you from any sadness, any anxiety, any pain. You mean the world to me. I sometimes look at you and wonder what you will look like on the first day of kindergarten, as a teenager, as a high-schooler about to graduate. I wonder if you will become a dancer like I was growing up, or if you will be a tomboy and ride motorcycles like your daddy. I also wonder if you will do both. I envision myself watching you at a dance recital. I daydream about what it will be like to watch you at your first school play, where you are a banana or an apple, or a tree. Oh how proud I will be. I am curious about how you will react to Disneyland. Oh how I hope we can go this year. You make me so proud. You fill my heart with more than you can ever imagine. You are my heart and soul.

As I sit here and look around, I am thankful. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the two beautiful children my husband gave me. Thankful that he made it all possible for us to live in a beautiful home with nice things. He has made sure our girls are taken care of. He has made sure I am taken care of too. It's always a huge adjustment with a newborn but he has done all he can to make it easier. He's listened to me bitch, whine, put up with my moodiness because I haven't slept much lately and I am constantly whipping out my boob to feed the baby. Sometimes it seems too much but he's there, listening to me, not judging. He works a lot (he's gone for a 72 hour shift right now) and although I swear he will never know how tiring it is to watch both kids or how hard it is...I understand it's as equally hard for him too. He may not sleep during his shift. He is saving lives while risking his own. I am truly proud of him. I love him more than he'll ever know. More than I tell him. I neglect to tell him how much he means to me and I grow comfortable with how things are. But I love him. With everything in me. With all my heart and soul.

It's a good thing to take a step back, look around, and be thankful. I rarely take the time to do that anymore. I forget what life is all about sometimes. Life is about these two precious humans next to me. Life is a beautiful family. I am the luckiest woman. I am truly happy.

The Joys of Motherhood...

This week I thought I'd particpate in Mama Kat's Writers Workshop since I am trying to get back into blogging. I've neglected it for quite some time now.

The prompt I chose was 10 things I didn't know until I was a mom. I could probably write a heck of a lot more than 10 things...but I'll stick to the assignment. After all, no one likes the teacher's pet...the over-achiever...the kiss ass. LOL!

So the ten things that motherhood has taught me, that I would not have learned if I had not given birth to the best children on the planet (sorry to burst your bubble but my kids are better than yours...okay, maybe I take that back as I watch my 2 year old in the beginning of a temper tantrum) are as follows:

1. The love. Yes, it's cliche. Everyone hears "you never know love until you have a child" but it's true. Any parent can tell you how true it is. No matter what your child does, that love will always be there. It's an awesome feeling that I am so happy I am able to experience! That hug, that smile, that giggle, that accomplishment are such AMAZING moments and there is nothing in this world that can EVER be better than feeling like that!

2. Poop, puke, snot and other bodily secretions no longer bother me. Well let me clarify. If I see your kid out and about with green snot hanging down to their chin and poop coming out of their pants...that bugs. But my precious children?? It doesn't bother me. I have been pooped on, puked on, and had snot smeared all over me. And I am okay with that! Really...I am! :)

3. Patience. If you know me...patience is not my strong suit. I never really had some before children. Never really cared to have any (bad quality I know). I didn't know what patience really entailed until I became a mom. You basically HAVE to be patient...or at least try your best to be. So those days filled with temper tantrums from the 2 year old and screaming and crying from the newborn REALLY test my patience and it's amazing that I still have some left! (Even some left for the husband when he's bugging me!) But I learned how important it is to acquire that quality and put it to use. :)

4. Messy houses are okay. There are times this house literally looks like a tornado came through here. Some days there are dishes in the sink (when we have a dishwasher), diaper bags on the table, papers on the desk in the office, clothes on the floor in my bedroom, an unmade bed, make up left out in the bathroom, and pans needing to still be washed from the breakfast the morning before last. BUT...all of that is okay. It's okay because it's replaced by a giggling, smiling 2 year old, a happy wife, a happy husband, and a happy newborn. All those things are meaningless if there isn't happiness in the home. Sure, they get cleaned up and are rarely a mess for long...but sometimes (especially when hubby is on shift)...it looks like that.

5. Temper tantrums can be quite comical. I use to HATE watching other kids have temper tantrums (thinking Nanny 911 tantrums) but now that we have our own in our house...sometimes...they actually make me laugh. In fact, sometimes I have been known to whip out the video camera and film them. :)

6. Sleep is over-rated. Okay...it's not really but that's what I tell myself. Sure, I get SOME sleep, but definitely not as much as the average person, or even the husband. I think a mom never truly sleeps, ever. We are always half-asleep. We are asleep just enough in order to hear our children cry out in their sleep. We are asleep just enough to still be able to hear the toddler snoring. We are asleep just enough to hear the newborn stir in her sleep and listen intently for her to be breathing. We are asleep just enough to wake up on time and make sure the husband is getting up and ready for work and hasn't pressed snooze one too many times. Sure, we technically sleep, but not like our husbands. Not like our friends and family without children. Not like we use to before we became a mom.

7. I didn't know that it is okay to give up a huge part of yourself to become a mom. It's something I have been struggling with lately. I gave up a HUGE part of who I was for the past 18 years of my life to be a stay at home mom. Eighteen years is more than half of my age so giving up my career to be home with the kids has NOT been easy for me. But...recently I read some things that put it all into perspective and I would have never have learned unless I was a mom. Sure, I had more money before but as someone said...no purse, no boat, no fancy car will ever feel as good as hearing your baby's giggle. The other one I heard was "you have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once". It's so true. So I am learning that it's okay to let my career, my work, the big part of who I was go and enter into this new role as a mom, a role model, a friend, a mentor. No job could ever be as important as this one and I am learning to accept that, no matter how hard it is.

8. If I had never became a mom, I would have never known how truly hard this job is and how hard my mom worked to provide for my brother and I. I think the moment you become a mother yourself, you gain a new appreciation for your mother. You learn just what she went through. My mom made it look so easy and I learned now as a mom myself that it wasn't easy for her either. I am sure she was just as sleep deprived, just as worried about if she was making the right decisions, just as insecure if she was doing right by her kids, just as worried about our well-being and safety. I am sure she worried about the choices she made and worried how they would affect us. I am sure she worried about our first day of kindergarten, our first day of high school, the first time we took the car out on our own (which she had a right to worry about me...I crashed it...into my dad's neighbor). I am sure she cried when we cried, laughed when we laughed, and didn't sleep when we were sick or when we were out past her own bedtime. Oh how I love my mom and oh how much of a role model she is for me! I truly hope I can provide my kids just as much as my mom provided for us.

9. You CAN rationalize with a two-year old. At least that is what I am telling myself. If you have a two-year old you know you can rationalize with them too. For those of you laughing at me because you think it can't be done...shut it and let me live in my fantasy world!

10. Nap time and bed time can be the happiest times of the day and can make a bad mood (yours not the childs) instantly better. :)

I wouldn't give my role as a mom up for ANYTHING. The two of them have brought me such a joy no other thing in this world could ever re-create. I am truly truly blessed. Thanks Mama Kat for reminding me what it's all about! Now time to whip out the boob, cause a temper tantrum with the toddler because I am about to make her stop playing Pocket God on my phone, and get on with my day!

A Bunch of Nothing..

Today feels like Sunday to me. Rarely do I have a lazy Saturday. Today the sun was shining and it was gorgeous outside. I chose to stay inside - in my pjs. I had a tea party about 4 times today, read a billion and a half books, whipped my boobs out, sang, danced, cuddled, giggled. I got a lot of smiles and coos from the newborn today too. LOVE getting those! I also dealt with almost a full day of tantrums out of our oldest. I guess that's where a lot of the giggling came from. It was almost comical. I even took out the video camera! It will probably be erased but I'd like her to see how she looks when she's acting like that.

We did manage to get outside for a tiny bit in the backyard but that was short lived when the baby started crying inside to be fed.

The hubby is on shift. Today was his first day. He will be home on Monday. It's getting easier when he goes on shift now but I am ALWAYS ready for him to be home when his shift is over. It's MUCH easier with extra help.

As I sit here and look around my house, it's obvious I am a mother of two. Our front room is a mess. There is a train set with the train off the track on its side, followed by the caboose about 5 feet away. There are about 6 books on the floor and a ton of flashcards her aunt bought her. I hate those flashcards. They are bug flashcards and I see an aphid, an ant, a grasshopper and dragonfly staring at me as I type. They are kinda creepy. Well not kinda...they ARE creepy.

There is a tiara, a purse, a tea set (with the cups and pot on the floor but the plates and spoon on our coffee table), a boat and Wonder Pets on our coffee table. There is also a monster truck school bus in the play gym on the floor that our newborn "plays" in. I am definitely a mother of two.

My oldest is sitting next to me playing "Pocket God" on my phone as I blog. The girl is obsessed with that game. She needs a 12-step program.

As I am typing I just happened to catch a glimpse of the time and it is time to get the munchkin fed, bathed and in bed! I LOVE this time of night so I am off to get her down for bed and to give me some rest (until the newborn needs me!).

Identity Crisis

Gone are the days of heels and button-ups, hair done just right, perfume on, make up on, confidence on. Those days have been replaced by the new me. The one I never pictured myself to be. The pajama wearing, hair a mess and up, no make up, frumpy me. My perfume has a new smell to it...spit up. My intellectual conversations have been replaced by trying to reason with a two-year old. You can guess how well that goes.

I gave up a huge part of myself to accept this role as a stay at home mom. Do you know that is the very first time I admitted that is what I am? I use to own and operate a growing paralegal business. I had hundreds of clients that came to me for help. They depended on me to help them through a difficult time in their life. I was the one person that offered them a hand when it felt like no one else was there. I LOVED that role. I LOVED being that for them. I LOVED talking to adults.

Times have changed. I am still that person that is depended on for help. I am still that person that helps out in a difficult time. But those difficult times are usually a hurt finger that needs a pretend band-aid and lots of kisses. I LOVE this role but it is taking some getting use to...some acceptance on my part. Acceptance that I was never willing to give until now.

My husband and I have decided that it was the best idea for me to close my business to raise our two daughters. A business demands your time 24/7, and two children do too. I had a choice to make. I made the choice to walk away from eighteen years of my life as a paralegal. I did it for my two precious daughters. I did it for our family. But you know what? It hasn't been easy for me.

I guess I am selfish when I say I miss it and some days I wish we had a nanny or day care or something so I could work. Some days I want to run away and just deal with me. As much as I complained about clients being frustrating, being a stay at home mom is frustrating too. I no longer pee in private. I no longer shower in private. I no longer eat or enjoy a meal in private. I no longer relax. I no longer get "me" time unless it revolves around my boobs. I am breastfeeding the newborn and everything revolves around my boobs. My boobs and my diet.

The newborn has MSPI which means that she has an intolerance to milk and soy protein. Milk and soy are in EVERYTHING. EVERY.FRIGGEN.THING. Trying to adhere to a diet void of milk and soy is tough. But I do it for her so that her body doesn't have to be in pain. But I miss being able to attend dinners out with friends. I miss being able to just pull anything out of the fridge and eat it without having to read the entire ingredient list. I miss a nice cold glass of milk. If you know me, dairy was my main food group. I miss it. Tremendously.

So I trudge along. Day by day. Hour by hour when day by day seems too difficult, and lately it has felt that way. I am SLOWLY accepting this role and SLOWLY moving into it. I even am finding myself doing something I NEVER thought I'd do or want to do...joining a moms group. I have always had a problem with judgmental moms. I am hoping this won't be over-run by these types of women. I am hoping to gain friendships for my daughter since she has very few...and if I gain some friends out of it...that would be okay too! I am nervous about it since I am a SUPER shy person...but we'll see how it goes. If the munchkin can gain friends...even one friend...it would be a success.

This new role is growing on me but I feel pulled in two different directions. I feel pulled to the person I was for 18 years. I feel pulled to raising my kids without outside help. I feel resentful my business closed. I feel resentful I still have a few clients I must tend to. It's definitely a whole new identity for me and I feel like I am in the middle of a huge idenity crisis. I know it will all even out and all work out...but today...right now...I am just trying to figure me out.

AND...would you know it... it's time to cut this blog entry off now. My boobs are in demand...yet again! Have a great day everyone!

Not much to report other than...

it's been rough lately. Very very rough. Allison is exhibiting signs of MSPI just like her sister did and it's been rough. Crying for hours on end. In lots of pain. Nothing can console her until it passes.

Last night I held her for 6 hours straight while she screamed her head off in pain. I got three hours of sleep which seems to be the norm lately. Exhausted.

I am going to be trying her on rat poison (aka formula) at her next feeding and will pump as well. Doing this just to see if it helps. Feels shitty. Feels like I am a failure and can't even breastfeed my children. BUT if the formula helps - then I'd rather have that than bloody diapers or screaming in pain because their intestines are raw and inflamed and bleeding.

Other than that? Emily is slowly coming around and warming up to her big sister and me again. Still not 100% but slowly making progress.

Oh how I long for happiness back in my home. Happiness for Allison. Happiness for Emily. Happiness for Erik. If all of them are happy...then that will allow happiness for myself.

Here's to hoping and to reminding myself often...this too shall pass.

The Newest Addition!

On December 7th at 403 pm - our newest daughter entered the world!

Earlier in the morning I had my usual NST and my pre-op appointment. I just had a feeling I would be giving birth that day but was in denial. Of all days, I didn't shave my legs, didn't take the car seat out of the car for my mom, and even told her I didn't need to borrow her car because I'd be back home in about an hour or so. I was hoping my suspicions weren't right because Erik had just started his 48 hour shift.

I arrived at the hospital - so proud to have Stork parking and hoping that wasn't a sign either. I NEVER get Stork parking (which is parking right up front) and was excited that finally there was a spot open. I waddled inside and upstairs for my NST.

They hooked me up to the monitors and took my blood pressure. It was high. 134/103 high. It did come down quite a bit the second reading - but not enough to not be considered borderline. I told myself to just calm down, that didn't mean I was having a baby. As I was doing the NST I was having contractions through it. I told myself they were just Braxton Hicks and not anything rhythmic and weren't too painful so that wouldn't mean I'd deliver. Then they checked for the amniotic fluid. It was 5. Crap. I pretty much knew then I'd be delivering that day, but just told myself maybe not.

I was ushered over to my pre-op appointment and as I waited in the room I just told myself maybe she'll still let me wait until Friday. She knocked on the door, walked in, sat down and the first words were "so I think we are having a baby today...I am not messing around with the fluid or blood pressure anymore and it's time. She's term and what's 4 days?" She assured me she'd re-arrange her schedule so she could deliver the baby for me and told me to call my husband right there. I started crying. I was scared, I was excited, but I think mostly scared.

I called Erik, he at first thought I was joking, but then was able to find relief and meet me over in Labor and Delivery. As I waited for family to arrive, my contractions were picking up and becomming more painful. They were anywhere from 1-4 minutes apart.

Family arrived and we waited some more. Right before I was to go into surgery, my water also started trickling out. I guess it was the right day after all. Whether I was sent home or whether she told me they were taking the baby, I would have ended up having her the same day.

315 rolled around and it was time to bring me into the OR. I was super scared. I said my goodbyes to family and waddled across the hall. They prepped me for surgery, Erik was brought in, and it began.

I am not going to lie...it was totally different this time around. With Emily, I didn't feel a thing. No tugging, no pulling, nothing. This time? I felt it all. Nothing overly painful, but the tugging and pulling and pushing at times were pretty rough. But at 403, she entered the world. She was 8 pounds even, 19.5 inches long and perfect. We named her Allison Mae.

I am obviously home from the hospital now, trying to heal. The healing isn't going as smoothly as it did with Emily but each day it's getting easier. Although my feet are like balloons and I can barely walk on them from all the fluid and I can't wear shoes, and the incision at times stings or pulls and my boobs hurt and I am exhausted. It was worth it. SO worth it!

Emily is having a tough time adjusting but each day she gets better and better. Before long, she will love her little sister just like she loves us (and forgive her mommy for bringing her home). :)

I never thought my heart could grow any bigger - but it has. We are so in love!

First few seconds of life...




First time being dressed...




Proud Daddy...





Baby feet...



All she does at home...

Quick Update...

Well...no baby yet! I did have high blood pressures and had to be monitored in L&D for a bit yesterday. I left with blood pressure still a little high but I was able to go home on strict bedrest. So that's where I am.

Last night (or I guess this morning?) I was up at 3 with contractions. Some were two minutes apart for quite a while. They were also pretty painful. I'd have to stop and breathe through them and the kid would say "mommy is breathing!" LOL! Yes hunny...I sure am! They have now gone away - but that took all the way up until 10 this morning. I am exhausted!

Have another test scheduled tomorrow and then my pre-op on Monday. EXCITED we FINALLY got our dresser so the room can be finished! Sad that husband has to do it on his own but that's okay.

As of today...8 days left!

It's Go Time...

As of today...I have TEN days left before my scheduled c-section. TEN. That's it. I don't feel ready for it yet...and I am DEFINITELY not ready for it as early as tomorrow!

I went in for my usual NST today and was having contractions 5 minutes apart, combined with high blood pressure. The doctor and the high risk expert were a little concerned so sent me for blood work.

The doctor then called me once I got home to inform me that I need to monitor my blood pressure this evening and come in at 9 tomorrow. She told me if my bp is high tomorrow, it looks like our baby may be here as early as tomorrow!

If I am NOT ready for her to arrive in TEN days - how am I going to be ready for her to be her TOMORROW???

So now I am washing my clothes, packing my bag, in the process of trying to rest. OF COURSE husband is on shift, and today is his first day on.

So here's hoping for LOW blood pressure tomorrow and NO baby as of yet. I still want my ten days!

NOT meant for bed rest

So just a quick update for family and friends...

Went to my usual NST appointment on Friday. They measured the fluid before hooking me up to the machines to test heart rate and contractions. Fluid was down again to a 6. The tech said she'd remeasure after the test to see if we could get it higher.

It wasn't.

So back on bed rest until my appointment on Monday.

We will then re-evaluate to see if I have more fluid and go from there. Sigh.

Hoping for better results tomorrow and getting OFF bed rest. I suck at it! And bed rest with a 2 year old and a husband on shift???? Are they insane? THANK GOD for the help I have had! :)

Weekly Assignment

So another week of Mama Kat's assignments that I feel compelled to do! :)

1.) Describe the best/most creative punishment you have ever given your children or received yourself.

2.) Tell a friend or family members story as if it happened to you.

3.) Tell a story about a moment in time when you were so happy you were you and not someone else in the room.

4.) I picked up the phone and I could not believe what I was hearing...

5.) Show us something you did yourself!

I think this week I want to do two of them. Both are interesting. Okay...one is totally childish, but it still makes me totally laugh!

The first one I am going to do is #4.

There was a time when I worked at a law office specializing in divorce (this was before I had my own paralegal practice). The phone rang and I answered it like I normally did "Law office". Yes, that's how us law folks answer. Not very personable.

I hear our client on the other end (I came to recognize his voice A LOT) saying "she's in there with my brother right now!" I asked him what was going on. He said "she's in there with my brother and I am going to stab her when she comes out!" I talked to him, telling him to calm down and that he should put the knife down and leave. He said "no...they are ready to come out...I am going to stab her! I am going to kill her!" I said "[insert name] please don't do anything stupid...it's NOT worth it...just walk out". Next thing I heard was some rumbling with the phone, him yelling "here she comes!" and TONS of screaming before the line went dead. We called 911 but since we didn't know where they were or what exactly was going on, they couldn't help.

Our client stabbed his wife (that filed for divorce) over 27 times. He spent time in prison for his crime. The sad part??? She came in a few months later with all her stab wounds on her face, neck, arms, etc and dismissed the entire divorce so she could work it out with him. It is something that sticks with me to this day and will stick with me probably forever. The sounds were horrible. DEFINITELY couldn't believe what I was hearing on the other end of the phone that day.

So now I am going backward to #3, which is a happier ending...

My sister in law and I took up yoga through the adult education center in our local town. We are both 35 (okay she is 34 still but only for a few more days) and I think we were just a few years younger when we took it. Everything was fine. I tend to get giggly over a lot of things when taking yoga but this time...I was able to keep my giggles in...shaking...sweating...trying to keep them in - but I kept them in.

We were starting to warm down for the night and were doing a pose. There was a lady right in front of the SIL and her husband/boyfriend in front of me. Whatever pose we were doing required your tush to be out in the air and as the room was totally silent...the poor lady let one rip. Now it wasn't a quiet one by any means. It was one sooooooooo loud, sooooooo embarrassing that if it had been me...I would have just took my yoga mat and walked out right then and there and never ever came back.


I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT look at the SIL. I knew if I did - I'd lose it. I'd laugh so hard that I would have to leave. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she looked at me a few times and as we were in our final pose of the night...totally silent and relaxing...both of us were sitting there shaking trying so hard not to laugh. Yes, we are childish.

As soon as class was over - she looked at me - I looked at her - we RAN to our shoes - didn't even roll up our mats - JUMPED in the car and hightailed it out of there. Meanwhile...we laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until we were crying and just about drooling. We could not catch our breath. It was friggen hilarious!!! To this day - we can still laugh and laugh and laugh about it as if it happened the day before! :)

The poor lady never came back to class after that and that is DEFINITELY one time I was glad it was someone else and not me! :)

I Love You...

I have not done a writer's work shop via Mama Kat in ages. But since she twisted my arm with these prompts - I want to do it this week.

The prompts were:

1.) Describe something you're proud of.

2.) Tell me your most humorous wedding experience

3.) 10 reasons why you can't sleep at night

4.) Describe an experience that you wish you could shake from your memory.

5.) Write a love letter to the object of your affection.

I can write on all of them - except maybe number 2. I am proud of so many things and narrowing it down seemed too hard for me today...because of number 3. I can't sleep at night. I didn't get hardly any sleep last night and number 3 would be the easiest choice because it seems like a nightly occurrence. The experience I wish I could shake from memory I could write about - but it's 2-fold. I am glad I was there to experience but can break out in tears suddenly for no reason thinking about it. But number 5...I have been thinking of doing for quite some time. So that's what I pick.

I know this should probably go to my husband - and don't worry - he'll get one. But this one, is to my daughter.

Dear Emily...

I am writing you this letter today because I know in just a few short weeks you will become a big sister. This is SUCH an exciting time for you and I know you will make an EXCELLENT sister. You are such a brilliant, beautiful, funny, loving, joyous two-year-old and now you will add the role of "sister" to that.

Mommy is so proud of you for all that you are and all that you will become. I could NEVER imagine my life without you. You have touched me so profoundly and no words could ever express how much love I have within my heart for you.

I am going to be honest, I am nervous for when your sister arrives. I worry that you may feel left out or that you may feel that mommy and daddy don't love you as much. I worry that you may feel that we like your sister more than you. I want you to know that will NEVER EVER EVER be the case. Newborns are a lot of work (believe it or not you were too!) and they cannot speak or act out their needs in the way you can. They do not understand as well as you do and they require a lot of attention. But I want you to know that NOTHING will EVER replace my love for you. EVER.

Your sister is going to become a part of this family and we will all learn how much bigger our hearts can become. I never thought it would be possible to have more love in my heart, but I know your sister will provide that for ALL of us.

You will continue to make Mommy proud each and every day. My love for you will grow deeper every single second of the day. You will be AMAZING and will be so helpful. You will ALWAYS be Mommy's precious little girl. Mommy will ALWAYS be there for you - whatever it is you need. My love will NEVER disappear or change - only grow deeper.

I cannot thank the Lord enough for bringing YOU into my life. You have made me the woman I am today. You have taught me SO much in your two short years. You have made my life more joyous, more beautiful and more perfect just by being born. I love you so very very much and will continue to do so every single second of every single day.

Thank you for being MY daughter. I am looking forward to this journey with you.

I love you with all of my heart...

Mommy

Just a little hiccup...

First...sorry it's been a while. I owe family and friends photos from about 3 months worth of collecting. Probably more than 3 months now that I think about it. But I will get to it...soon enough - I promise.

Halloween was SO MUCH FUN with the little one. Those will be some of the promised pics I will be putting up - and I think they deserve a blog of their own. So give me a few days (translated into about a week or so). :)

Recently we had a little scare with the pregnancy. I was AMAZED at how calm I remained. I just didn't want to worry. I guess because I hadn't been given ALL the information.

At any rate, had my regular OB appointment on Wednesday the 28th (could be Wednesday - maybe it was a Thursday - at any rate - it was the 28th). Went in, everything checked out okay. As the appointment was coming to a close I figured I better tell my doctor something that had concerned me - just to be safe. So I mentioned that when we had our last 3d/4d that the tech had mentioned I don't have as much fluid as most women, but not as little as some have had. My doctor immediately decided to give me an ultrasound just to make sure all was okay.

The next words out of her mouth were "looks like you just bought a ticket to L&D". I guess my amniotic fluid was EXTREMELY low. She also had to do a pelvic (oh those are fun!) to make sure no fluid was leaking to cause the low amniotic fluid. None was.

As she was writing my orders, she was also explaining that IF I needed to deliver right away there were certain hospitals I'd go to and was sure everything would be fine. Okay. Whatever. I am not going to worry.

I waddle on over to L&D and the midwife was there to greet me. They said I needed to get my own room. YAY for not having to go to triage and be concealed behind a curtain! So I got myself comfy and they hooked me up to the monitors for the heart beat and contractions. Took blood and brought me gallons (literally) of water to drink. Okay. Whatever. Can't be THAT bad.

But time kept going on and on and I hadn't heard anything. I called my husband to come down because I was a little worried (after the midwife explained when I got there about having to be delivered early). But I was in the mode of keeping my husband calm that I just didn't let it affect me.

Then...we FINALLY found a nurse to let us know what was going on (since it was going on 5 hours). He came in to explain that amniotic fluid levels should be at least at 10. That was optimal. He explained anything below an 8 is cause for concern. He explained the hospital I would be transferred to would be a GREAT hospital and I'd be happy there. HAPPY??? DID HE SAY HAPPY?????

I then asked where my fluid level was. He wasn't sure but went to check. Came back and told me 4.8. Well no wonder why everyone was concerned. Now...although I tried not to show it...I was concerned.

Husband had to leave to put the kid to bed (his sister came over to relieve him) and FINALLY the doctor came in. Measured fluid 3 times and was happy enough with a level of 9 to send me home. Guess the gallons of water helped.

This past Friday (10/30) I noticed the baby not moving much. I tried again not to worry too much but with the fluid scare - I was a tad more nervous than I normally would have been. I did everything I was suppose to - ate, walked around - ate something sweet - drank something cold. The MOST kicks I got in an hour were 5. So back to L&D I went.

They monitored me for a bit - the baby was asleep when I got there but woke up about 15 minutes into my stay. They said the baby was probably sleeping a lot today which could be the reason for not feeling a lot of movement. They also did the ultrasound to measure levels again. This time - it was a 7.1 which she was okay with. Sent me home. Took my off bed rest.

Needless to say, I am confused. But I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can learn what numbers to be concerned with and what numbers not to be concerned with. I will have testing two times a week which I am okay with if they can check on my fluid and not deliver this little one too early.

But now? I am scared. I seem to get dehydrated even if I have literally drank 16 glasses of water. (Okay 8 glasses - but 16 ounce glasses). I have been getting pretty dizzy lately for no reason. Today? I just about passed out while the kid was napping. I made myself lay down and just waited until it passed. I wasn't doing anything to exert myself when it happened either. So I wonder. I wonder about fluid levels. I wonder if the baby is okay. I wonder if she will come early. I wonder if it was a fluke about the fluid levels or if this will be an ongoing thing until I deliver. I just wonder. I do my best to stay positive...but it's hard. It's difficult without answers. It's difficult without someone telling me "it will be just fine". It's difficult not being able to exert myself with my 2 year old like I had been.

But I do my best. That is all I can do. I NEED to learn to take care of me - something I rarely do. In fact...I always put others before me - but now...it's time for them to put me first and help me out when I need it. I find that isn't always easy but I find it's needed.

Hoping tomorrow brings answers, good answers, calming answers.

Blah.

Yeah. This pretty much is how I feel right now. Not only has the morning sickness/barfing returned, but the weight gain? Feels INSANE.

I am ready to be done being pregnant! (I think this is about the time I usually say that!)

That's all.

Not So Politically Correct...

I guess I should be venting this elsewhere - but people work, don't have kids, don't quite *get it* sometimes - so why not vent to the entire friggen world?

Somedays...I wonder if I made a mistake. Made a mistake being pregnant again. There. There is my unpolitically correct thing to say. There is me making a statement that will draw negative attention. There is my invitation for people to bash me.

Yesterday was a REALLY difficult parenting day. It was so difficult that I ended up in tears. Yes, pathetic. A 2-year-old made me cry. Not just cry. But sob. Question myself. Doubt myself. Doubt my future as a parent. Feel stupid. Feel insecure. Feel incapable.

The kid is teething all four of her two-year molars at once. She is also definitely in her terrible twos. With hubby at work a minimum of 48 hours a week (but it's usually 72+), it makes it rough on me, especially being pregnant...and 8 months pregnant at that. The kid had a two-hour temper tantrum yesterday. TWO HOURS. STRAIGHT. I have dealt with all-day temper tantrums that were broken up by moments of my nice sweet child breaking through...never have I dealt with a temper tantrum that was full on screaming, crying, kicking, throwing for two hours straight.

I tried everything I shouldn't have. I tried being tough at first and reasoning with a 2 year old. Yeah that worked. I just laughed at myself writing that sentence out. I bargained...with a 2 year old. I pleaded...with a 2 year old. I got angry (mostly away from her)...with a 2-year old. I tried letting her "cry it out". I gave her what she was screaming for (which I am not quite sure what the heck she wanted but at the end of the temper tantrum it was her paci that she'd throw out of the crib, SCREAM AND CRY for it back, only to throw it right back out after I left the room). I tried hugging (which made her more mad). I tried getting her out of the crib (this was at nap time) because I figured she was just NOT going to sleep - but made her stay in her room. She was over-tired. I was over-stressed. Finally after the millionth time throwing her paci (which I was waiting a long time to give back to her) I told her (as I gave it back to her) that next time she threw it out - I was NOT going to give it back. Same goes for the bunny (her bunny in the crib she threw out). She said "okay...I need to go nigh nigh" and then fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

I am guessing my tone the last time about the paci being thrown out and not getting back is what she finally heard because she didn't hear it before - and yes, I know, I made the mistake of giving it back to her after I said I wouldn't. (Yes I know that was wrong...I was just at my wits end!) That, or she just wore herself out. I am telling myself it was my tone - but it probably was the exhaustion!

So I sat there after all that, and still sit here, wondering HOW the hell I am going to deal with two. Alone. Sure, hubby is here - but not as much as I am. He works A LOT. How will I deal with a newborn screaming her head off while a two-year old is screaming her head off too? How will I deal with the temper tantrums of the munchkin with a new born? How will I rest? How will I get ANYTHING done?

It's shitty that I am wondering if it was a mistake to be pregnant again. I am sure it's NOT a mistake - but I just don't know if I have it in ME to do this with TWO kids. Alone for 2-3 days a week (if not more). No husband coming home to help at night. No husband at home during the morning to help before work. Sigh. A 2 year old and a newborn. What was I thinking?

I know millions of women do this. Millions of women handle this. But not sure I have it in ME to handle a new born, a 2 year old, work at home, and just relax sometimes. I don't get much relaxation as it is now, I am sure I will get zero when the new one arrives.

I am shitty for not being excited for the new baby. And...it's not like I am NOT happy or excited. Just today (and yesterday), I am scared. I am unsure.

Accepting my reality...

Yesterday we were given the eviction date for the new baby. In exactly 10 weeks (from yesterday), our newest addition will arrive into this world. It was both an exciting moment, and one plagued with fear and sadness.

After I got all the information, I informed family members and then I looked at my daughter. I felt instant sadness and guilt. Right now she gets all the attention from us, but in just 2 months, she won't have that 100% of the time. I felt sad thinking she won't really grasp why. I think what she WILL grasp is some new baby came into the house and stole her thunder. I think she will be sad and feel left out and I don't want her feeling that way. It broke my heart (still does) to look at her and I felt guilty thinking I am the one putting that on her.

I have tried to tell her that "sister" is on the way but at 2, one can't really understand that. She understands that mommy has "a really full belly" (her words) as she pats it. She will also pat my tummy and say "that's sister right there" but I know she has no clue what that REALLY means.

For her, I feel sad. I don't ever want her to feel left out - ever. But I know there will be times she will need to learn patience because I will have to attend to a newborn over her needs sometimes. For me, I feel sad. Sad that I won't have that one on one interaction with her that I do now. I will miss her being my one and only.

I had a friend tell me she cried all the way to the hospital with her 2nd one because she felt this way - and I have a feeling I will do the same thing.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me that I keep reading. The beginning part is just so hard for me to read right now because that's how I feel. I know it will all work out, but I just feel a lot of emotions and guilt.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.

There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
--