Is It Me??

There are a few times of day I despise in this household. If the husband is at home I don't dislike them that much, but when he's at work...I hate them. Yes, I can use the word hate because that's how much I don't like them.

The first is getting out the door in the morning for our walk - or for anything really. It goes something like this:

Baby wakes up crying. Needs fed. Toddler wakes up. Needs fed. Doesn't understand why she must wait and a breakdown ensues. Baby finishes eating, poops, change diaper. Then it's time to change the toddler out of her night-time diaper and into another one. Toddler is still pissed - especially since I take even MORE time away from her breakfast to get her dressed and do her hair - making sure to remind her NOT to take off her shoes 23908409248 times in hopes she listens. Doing all this may or may not result in a time out due to her hitting because she's pissy because she's hungry and grumpy. Finally feed her and all is happy in toddler world.

Then the baby starts crying again. Get her dressed and the toddler comes in her room to happily announce she took off her shoes. I put them back on. I then place the baby in her crib and I get dressed - praying she won't spit up on me. Baby starts crying because her mobile stopped turning. Can hear the toddler getting into things she shouldn't be and call for her. No toddler shows up. Grab the baby - go to put her in the car seat and low and behold - here comes the spit up. Damnit. Time to change. I change. Put baby in car seat, load up bags, grab toddler's shoes she took off AGAIN and put them on. Grab everyone, get ready to hit the alarm to the house and walk out the door and then the toddler says so sweetly "did you go poo poo?" I sigh, look at her and ask if she did. She says yes. RAR.

Undress toddler, change her diaper, get clothes and shoes back on. Get everything packed up again and get ready to walk out and then hear the baby poop. Are you fricken kidding me? Take her out of the car seat, change the diaper, go to put her back in the car seat and I get spit up on again. Change clothes for me. Then pack everyone back up, put the toddler's shoes back on AGAIN, get out the door...FINALLY. By the way...this is without me showering (I usually shower after my walk). I am now frustrated and pissy and REALLY needing my walk.

The second time of day I hate is bedtime. The toddler's bedtime coincides with the baby's witching hour. I have now been bathing the toddler early to ease some of the tension that happens. But it's inevitable. When I am alone...it's gonna happen. 7:00 - the baby starts fussing. The toddler is eating dinner and I am trying to calm the baby and tend to the toddler who is now mimicking the baby and wanting attention too. Toddler is done eating - have to put the baby down who is now even more pissed and screaming even louder. I clean the toddler up - get her out of the high chair and run back to the baby who is beyond pissed. Cuddle the baby for a bit - realize it's now getting even closer to the time the toddler has to be in bed. Toddler isn't cleaning up toys or listening - but is acting out because the baby is screaming and I am holding her. Finally have to talk sternly to the toddler to clean up her toys - giving her a choice of me cleaning them up (which means they all go away) or her doing it. She gets it done and now it's time to change into pjs, brush teeth, call daddy, read a book and get into bed. To do this, the baby has to be alone. I put her in her crib with the mobile. She is quiet for all of 30 seconds as the mobile goes around - then she starts screaming. Leave the toddler - start the mobile back up. Repeat about 3 times. Now baby just continues to scream and scream - is mad at the mobile - is mad at mommy - is mad at the world. Toddler isn't listening - wants to play and do everything to get out of going to bed. Finally I am able to get her into bed (with threats of time out if she gets out of bed) - go into the baby's room who is now about to die because she's screaming SO loudly with a billion tears streaming down her face. It's heartbreaking. The toddler can semi-understand to wait - the baby can't. Get her in her pjs, change diaper and feed and then put into crib and shut the door. Come out to the couch...just about in tears...sit down and exhale for the first time the entire day.

Listening to the baby cry for almost an hour is enough to drive anyone crazy. I feel I can't skip out on the toddler every night just because the baby is crying. It's not fair to her. She needs mommy time because our time has become super limited since the baby joined our family. It breaks my heart the toddler suffers because of the baby. It breaks my heart the baby has to scream her pretty little head off in need of mommy time as I am tending to the toddler. I just CAN'T be two places at once and it sucks. Really sucks.

Seriously...how do moms do this without going crazy? The toddler is 2.5 and the baby is just shy of 5 months. There are moms that have four kids that can do this without so much of a breakdown. Are their kids further in age? Do the older siblings help the younger ones? Is it just two that makes it more difficult and if we had three it wouldn't be as hard? I feel like I am failing. What am I doing wrong here?

I know it won't be this hard forever - but when you are in the middle of it - it sure feels like this is how life is going to be for a very long time. Sigh.

Get Over It...

So I haven't blogged in a while - on purpose. You want to know why? Every time I come to my page to put up a new blog - I realize my "dream" blog will disappear. I like looking at those pictures and daydreaming. Sigh. But all good things must come to an end and my dream of kid-free-relaxing-not-a-care-in-the-world-days are over. For now. I need to get over it.

A lot has been going on lately. Some good. Most good. But also some hard times as well. I've been going through a lot lately and am working to get through it. This mom stuff isn't easy. In fact, it's the hardest job I've ever had. Seriously. A lot of times it is just me, no husband because he has to make the money, so it's just me and two kids. My conversations are usually "did you go poo poo?" and "do that again and it's time out". Don't get me wrong - I love being a stay at home mom (damn that's still hard to admit), but sometimes I long for adult conversation.

Anywho...I've been trying to keep busy. Busier than I have been...which actually does not sound sane. I've taken up walking in the morning. It's nice. Peaceful (even with two kids). It's also good for me.

We've also done a bit lately. We've gone to Marine World (yes I know it's called Discovery Kingdom - but it will always be "Marine World" to me). We bought season passes since the place is literally 2 minutes from our house. Emily LOVES it. Allison could care less!

Love this first picture of Emily and her friend looking at each other!



We also spent a day in the snow. All the resorts are closed and the season is pretty much over - but there is still a lot of snow! We found a Sno-Park and were the only ones there! Emily and her friend had a BLAST! Allison, again, could care less.



This one is of the girls flipping over - I love this one!
When all else fails...slide down on your tummy!

And amongst all our outings - our toddler also transitioned into big-girldom. She now has her very own big girl's bed! It's been pretty easy for the most part. She's gotten up in the middle of the night quite a few times but she loves it!



On the baby front...Allison is doing well! She just had her 4 month check up (although she's almost 5 months). She is at the 50th percentile for weight and 90th percentile for height! The kid is 26 inches tall! She's cutting her first tooth which is sloooowwwwllllyyy coming in. You can see it - but it's just not all the way through yet. Hopefully the little bugger will pop through and she will be a little happier. Don't get me wrong - she is a GREAT baby - but there are more and more moments lately where she's fussy over that darn thing!

So that's the latest update for all you family members and friends who have been bugging me to add pictures and update on the girls!

Well - I'm off to relax for now. Both kids are sleeping for the moment and I'm going to *try* and take advantage of it. Hope I didn't just jinx myself!

I Have A Dream...

I have a dream and it goes something like this:

An Angel Amoung Us...

I rarely promote other people's blog unless I think it's for a good cause. I guess I'm selfish. Who knows. But I just don't do it.

BUT...over at Perfect Pen - there is a vlog for you all to see. Kim's Angel's is a new organization created in order to raise money for cancer victims, families with children who suffer from life threatening diseases and families in need.

The owner of the blog has started an AMAZING organization in honor of her mother who passed away from lung cancer. How freakin' awesome is that? It's truly inspiring that this young blogger has decided to dedicate her time and energy to helping others. I am personally touched because I have known so many people that have died from cancer - both family members and friends. Personally, I think cancer can kiss my ass!

But now...it's time for all of us to make a difference! Sure, all of us think about it and at some point in our life as we stand in line at the grocery store. Some of us will donate to causes, walk a marathon, or whatever...but she started up an entire organization just to help those in need. I am truly inspired!

They offer special events throughout the year - from head shaving events to walks to bake sales and all that money is given to the appropriate charity or people that need it. I honestly can say that although I DO give to charity - I don't have the balls to actually start my own organization to do this. It's amazing how such a young person could think so selflessly. It's rare to find that quality in people these days.

So I encourage all of you...every single one of you...to take seven minutes (that's how long her vlog is) and watch her blog, learn about her charity and take the time to really contribute - how little or how big that you can!

You can find all the info by clicking on this link right here. Do something for someone else...it's worth it!

I need some blojo

Blogjo. Don't be dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter. I just need some mojo for my blog...so I guess we can call it blojo? I used to blog all the time and now...not so much. Perhaps the newest addition to our family has something to do with it...perhaps it's kind of lost it's appeal...who knows. I just need some blojo to help me get back on the blog track. (well come to think of it...I need some 'jo' for lots of things I need to get back on track with...dojo (for my diet), exjo (for exercising), slojo (sleep), relojo (relaxing)...okay I'll stop.)

Easter came and went. It was a great time! One of the better holidays we have had here. We always have great holidays at our house with family and friends - but this one was so nice.

The day before Easter we made our way down to the community park for the annual Easter Egg hunt. There were a billion people there. Literally. I counted. They did the egg hunt in groups by age. Emily's group had 1500 eggs to find. They weren't hard to find as they just throw them out. Out of the 1500...our sweetheart got 5. BUT...SHE got 5. We didn't get her 5. The other kids had TONS of eggs in their baskets in which their parents got for them. I was proud of her 5 little eggs and she was too! Erik and Emily even made the newspaper - just a picture of them during the hunt. It's adorable!

This is her after the hunt...


Easter morning was great. Emily woke up to find her Easter basket filled with a bunch of stuff. She was excited - but not as excited as she was to actually see the eggs the Easter Bunny left in the backyard. :) She LOVED finding them. I didn't get "pictures" - just video. However, our video camera will take a picture if someone smiles so it did capture this one:



After all the excitement of the egg hunt - it was time to get dressed...for mommy. Yes, I am all about the dresses, the cuteness and the pictures. My husband could care less and so could the kids - but I LOVE it and just had to have my fix. I don't ask for much - it's just important to me to dress up and get pictures at holidays and such.







After our delicious-to-die-for brunch...Emily wanted to have a tea party. Grandma Shell was so excited that she brought stuff just for the tea party. She brought hats and cookies and apple juice. Emily never had a better tea party in her life!

{sorry it's dark - again...video camera snapshot}

Everyone ended up getting in on the tea party. I wore a tiara but there are no pics of me...darn it! (That is a sarcastic darnit by the way)

Grandma Shell...


Grandma Alma...

And my absolute favorite picture...my dad (and if you know my dad - this isn't his cup of tea! HA! Okay...pun intended)


Great day! Great Fun! Lots of love, laughter and memories! And most importantly...champagne! :)

To Hell And Back

It's been a rough week! A rough two weeks actually. It all started with Allison getting sick which ended up being RSV. The RSV then turned into pneumonia.

Emily was sick with an ear infection and really bad cold. The doctor said it may be pneumonia as well but didn't do the chest x-ray because she would be on antibiotics for the ear infection that would kill the pneumonia if she had it.

I was sick with a bad cold which turned into a sinus infection and I am thinking bronchitis as well.

Erik was sick - but wasn't home to share in all our misery so that is good.

It's been rough - especially being the only parent taking care of two very sick kids while I am sick too!

BUT...sunnier days are ahead (well not really - we are expecting rain here) because we are all pretty much better. Today I cleaned the house to rid this house of all the germs and I am excited we can now go out and about for something other than going to the doctor. It's sad when they know you at the valet parking at the hospital and at the pediatric check in. It's also sad when I see the pediatrician more than my own husband!

Looking forward to Easter and to spending time with family this next week!

Green Sickies...

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! I don't know why I love this day so much! I am not Irish. I do however love the color green!

All three of us cootie infested females went to lunch today with my dear friend Trina (who is also sick) and had a nice time! I was mighty glad to get out of the house! However...we are all back home. Thinking everyone was doing better has proven me wrong as I was greeted with fevers and puke a bit after we got back. Sigh.

At any rate...

Happy St. Patty's Day everyone!



And...since you can't see Allison...here is her "why do you have me dressed like this and why are you taking my picture when I am sick" photo!

No More Cooties!

Whomever sent the cooties over to attack my daughter...you are on my shit list. Poor sweet baby has had this cold for the past 5 days now complete with vomit, snot (and LOTS of it), a cough that has turned worse, fever (that's gone now), and snot. Oh - did I mention...snot?

She went to the doctor today and was tested for RSV. We should have the results tomorrow. RSV is pretty serious in infants her age so I am hoping it comes back negative.

Despite being pukey and snotty and having this horrible cough - she is still smiling and "talking" a lot. Lord knows that when I am sick I don't think I crack a smile at all until it's gone.

Speaking of gone...hubby is. He's been gone since Saturday and won't be back until next week. Of all weeks to be gone - it's when someone in the house is sick.

Oh...speaking of sick...I am about to be. Yes - that nagging-you-are-about-to-get-sick-and-no-amount-of-Emergen-C-Echinecea-Prenatals-handwashing-and-everything-else-you-want-to-do-is-going-to-work is creeping up on me. Again...while hubby is gone.

The munchkin is doing good - minus some diarrhea (it's not really TMI - so don't crinkle your nose - everyone has it from time to time) yesterday which is cleared up now.

And if you haven't had enough crinkling of your nose and thinking I am providing too much information...here is a picture of the baby. Covered in puke. Believe it or not - I had a huge burp rag covering her when she did this...three times...in a row.
The lighting is poor because when she feeds at her ungodly hour - only a small light is turned on in the room.


So that's what I have been up to lately...and with the way I feel...what I will be up to the next week or more.

This is my new sign I am promoting:

All Good Things Must Come to an End

Day 15
todays challenge: This one is more for me than anything, so you're welcome to take it or leave it. But, the challenge today is to stay off the internet all day long. I'm committing to 12 hours. But, of course you do what's right for you. Remember it's your own personal challenge, these are merely suggestions.



Not too difficult. I managed to stay away from the dang thing almost all day! I find it easy to do this with two small children that need me all.the.friggen.time. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing?


Day 16
todays challenge: Last week! Okay, todays challenge is a good one. I want you to memorize a quote or scripture that brings you peace. Don't know one? Google some! And when you find just the one, write it down on an index card and carry it around with you all day. Hopefully by the end of the day, not only will you have it in your head...but most importantly, it will permanently be in your heart.



That is my motto that I must remember. When I am stressed - I carry that outwardly and everyone else around me feels it too - only causing the situation to be more stressful. Vicious cycle. Not fun. Trying to work on it. Meh.


Day 17
todays challenge: Write a goodbye letter to someone or something that needs to go from your life. It's not necessarily a letter to be shared or sent, but written only to release your heart from the pain and hold it has on you. Maybe even find a symbolic way to destroy the letter after it's been written. Find a way to let it go.


Honestly, I haven't done this yet. I am going to do it today.

Day 18
todays challenge: Try something new. It can be ANYTHING. Just mix it up today, go wild and crazy.


Sadly...the only "wild and crazy" thing I did was take our youngest daughter to physical therapy for her torticollis. I learned all the "wild and crazy" things we have to do with her around the clock - 24 hours a day. Somehow I don't think this is the "wild and crazy" referred to in this challenge.

Day 19
todays challenge: Ask someone who is really close to you, that loves you a whole bunch, what one of your weaknesses are. {Ask them to to tell you in a LOVING & GENTLE way} Take that information and pray over it...and ask God to show you how to work on it. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, ask someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Because they will just be mean. And that's not the point. We're trying to GROW here.

I already knew the answer but was told:



Day 20
todays challenge: Can you believe it's almost the last day? Here's what I want you to do today....Make a list of all the things you loved about this challenge. Make another list of all the things you HATED. And then ponder why...You'll understand why tomorrow.


Done.

Day 21!!!
Your final challenge....write out what you learned, good and bad. Most importantly, take note of what will be taken with you as you walk away from these three weeks.

So what I learned is that I don't necessarily need Peanut Butter Oreos to get through the day. I am a lot healthier without them and amazingly...the scale moves a lot more without them too! :)

I learned that I need to spend more time with my 2 1/2 year old. It's hard when I am alone with her without help from the husband, but I need to try and do it more than I have been.

I learned to stop and count my blessings each day. When I am overwhelmed I need to remember I am truly blessed. There are others that have it worse than I do and I need to stop bitchin', take a look around and realize I am truly truly blessed.

I learned I REALLY need to work on my negative self talk. It has been a HUGE part of me my entire life (or at least as far back as I can remember). I NEVER EVER want my daughters to feel that way about themselves and I need to work my ass off getting to a point where I knock that crap off. THAT will be a huge hill for me to climb. It also was the toughest part of this assignment.

I learned to stop and just have FUN. When life is about to piss me off - stop and have fun. It is definitely therapy for an aching soul.

I learned going out of my comfort zone and doing things I don't normally do can sometimes bring about great rewards. I strengthened friendships by doing this and boosted my self esteem!

I learned I am not perfect. I never will be. I cannot be there for everyone every second of the day. Sometimes it IS all about me. Most of the time it isn't. But I am who I am. I am not superwoman and I am okay with that.

Now whether this challenge brought about 3 difficult weeks - or just life did - I don't know. It's funny how this challenge happened during some pretty rough times for me. But I am stronger for it. I am thinking more about myself because of it (and no, not in a selfish way - in a healthy way). Life is an ongoing challenge - it always will be. But I am happy. I am truly happy.

Catching Up

Still doing The Challenge. Haven't done so good with some things but have done good with others!

So I left off on Day 10 and it's time to pick it back up.

Day 11: today's challenge: Are you ready for this? NO COMPUTER IN THE MORNING HOURS! I know, I know. {unless of course you are at work...} But only for work purposes. Get off the dang computer and DO SOMETHING. Hey, it could be worse. It could be 21 days!

This was easy. The morning hours were occupied by taking a trip out to San Francisco with the family to the Academy of Sciences. :) YAY for this task falling on a day that literally took me away from the house! :)

Day 12: today's challenge: We all make mistakes. We all need another chance. Today you get that opportunity in regards to these challenges.
It's Do Over Day. Pick one of the previous challenges that maybe you weren't ever so successful at....And try for it again. Practice makes perfect.

Those Peanut Butter Oreos derive from Satan. They are pure evil. They are so hard to stay away from and I caved. On Day 11. YAY for Day 12 coming along and reminding me I can have a do-over! YAY! :)

Day 13: todays challenge: Ahhhh, Friday. Time to unwind and relax. I am ordering you to do just that today. Your challenge is to find a way to relax and DO IT!

Seriously...this is almost getting too easy! I had things I had to do in the morning (like take the baby to the doctor). But I did relax after that because I had no choice. I have a nice case of mastitis - AGAIN - and with a 102 fever - I had no choice BUT to relax! So relax is what I did - in the afternoon and evening! :)

Day 14: todays challenge: Today might be a real challenge for you, because it's uncomfortable. I want you to do something that you wouldn't normally do alone. Go for a walk without your ipod. Go see a movie. Get some lunch at a coffee shop and bring a book. I think it's important to be comfortable being out and about with just ourselves. So give it a shot, see what happens.

Again...easy. Hubby got mandatoried overtime today. I was going to lay around the house with my fever and sore boob and just watch 2 kids. Some moms I know and their kids were all meeting up and I wasn't going to go. For one, I feel like crap. Boob infections aren't fun. In fact they downright suck - this time especially. Plus it's SO hard with me to take BOTH kids out by myself sometimes - especially when feeling like crap. I usually have Erik or my mom or Sister-in-Law or someone to help because it's hard to nurse with Emily not understanding that for 20+ minutes she has to stick right next to me and behave. A toddler sitting still for 20+ minutes doesn't work.

The other issue - it's uncomfortable to meet people I haven't met before. Well...okay. I have sorta met these moms before - but sorta not. They were my online mommy friends. For 2+ years we have been friends online and today those of us that live relatively close all met up. It was AWESOME! I had SUCH a great time! Emily did too! Allison slept but I guess she was happy! Emily came home soaking wet with a huge red smeared heart on her face talking about her new friends. I came home with a lower fever and a huge smile on my face thinking about my "new" friends. It was awesome - it was great - and something I probably would have said no to - even without the boob infection! I am glad I did it!

So now let's see what tomorrow's challenge brings! :)

And Moving On...

So I am moving on from my not-so-good days I have had and taking each hour as it comes along!

This Challenge has kept me on my toes and more focused on the good things in life and on...well...being a better me. Funny how it has done that.

So I had not accomplished Day 7 ON Day 7. In fact, I don't see that I have really accomplished it yet. It was for me to do something nice for a stranger - and to be creative about it. Well...ummm. I failed. I did manage to wave a man who was on a walk with about 5 kids across the cross walk as we waited (and were in a hurry to get the kid home for her nap). That's nice right? I also managed yesterday to play with a little girl at my daughter's tumbling class whose mom was probably about 6 months pregnant. Is that nice? Hmmm. I still need to work on this one.

Day 8 was to do something fun. Dance in the living room. Have a picnic in the park. Go shopping. Just HAVE FUN!

I DID manage to do that! YAY me! :) We went shopping in the morning to Target. LOVE Target. The kid got new sunglasses...



We also bought a much needed clock for our kitchen and the baby got a new piggy bank!

After Emily's nap, we were able to surprise her with a Barbie Jeep given to us by one of Erik's co-workers. She was petrified of it at first. Lots of tears. BUT...after a bit - she LOVED it.



I wish I could show the video but I can't seem to save it to my computer.

Day 9 says: Let's start getting things DONE! You know that to do list that you've been staring at or thinking of for FOREVER? Today you get to tackle one of those tasks that has just not been attended to for quite some time.
You will feel SUCH a sense of relief when it's finally crossed off the list.

I think I am going to do this after I get done here.

Which leads us to today...Day 10: We're almost half way there!!! And with 11 more days to go, we definitely need to be working on patience. Let today's focus be on just that. Lots of deep breaths. Breathe. Patience.

I have a newborn and a 2.5 year old. Enough said.

Challenge Shmallenge.

I am anti this 21-day challenge to a new and better me today. I have survived day 4, 5 and 6. I even wrote a long post about day 4. I deleted it.

This was Day 4's challenge:

Often times we can get caught up in negative self talk. Or in being negative period. We tend to speak to ourselves more horribly than we would ever imagine speaking to someone we love. So today, that stops. With every negative thought that comes into your mind, first immediately STOP it...And then, replace that thought with what is TRUE and positive. Even better, get some index cards and write out the negative thought on one side, and the truth on the other. Along with the truth, you could find a bible verse or quote that further encourages you in that area. Notice what a difference you feel about yourself and about life at the end of the day.

I did do this and I am really challenging myself to keep at it. I talk really horrible to myself and I REALLY do not ever want my girls to ever feel about themselves the way I feel about myself at times. I need to learn to be more gentle with myself. I need to realize that I am not always going to be superwoman. I am not always going to have a spotless house. I am not going to be back to my ideal weight tomorrow (I just gave birth for crying out loud!). I am not going to always be the perfect smiling woman I should be. But that's okay. I am human. I have flaws. I am not perfect, and I will never be. It's okay to be who I am and not strive to please everyone else. I just need to learn to be okay with that myself. So I am working on it. It's rough. But I am who I am and I think I am pretty friggen awesome and don't care if no one else appreciates that!

Day 5...

Imagine all the things we could get done if we didn't have social media....for example: Facebook & Twitter. Let's try it out and see just what happens when we take a break for 24 hours. Take notes on what you accomplish in the time not wasted.

FAIL. I did manage not to Facebook or Twitter for about 18 hours - but then I caved. It's rough because at 4am when I am nursing a baby, it has been my company. It has kept me awake.

Day 6...

Sometimes we get so busy that we forget to stop and rest in God's presence. And instead at the end of the day, as we're drifting off to sleep, we give him what's left. If even that. But how much better would things be, if we began AND ended our day with intentional time with Him? Today's your chance. Wake up a few minutes early and spend that time being with Him. And at the end of the day, before you're even a tad bit sleepy, sit aside time to be with Him once again. Make it personal.
Make it intentional. And see how it may just be the sweetest time you've had all day.

The last line of the challenge...how it may just be the sweetest time I have had all day...proved right. I have had a few days of not so good lately. I know at times when I feel so alone...like no one in this entire world cares about me...God is there. HE cares. Sometimes that is all I need to get me through the day. That has definitely been what I needed the past few days.

Day 7...

todays challenge: Today's challenge is simple. Find a way to help a stranger. Be creative!

Today I am actually probably not leaving the house. I am EXHAUSTED. Due to my "not so good" days - I haven't slept much. In fact, I probably slept 4 hours in two days. That's it. So although I had plans to go out today - I am not sure if I will end up going because the lack of sleep has now invaded my entire body and I am burnt. Headache. Clumsiness. Lack of brain power (as probably evidenced by this post!). I am going to rest while the toddler naps (that is if the newborn allows me to) and see how I feel after that. I tend to never be able to sleep when I try to take a nap. If I don't make it out today - I do plan on venturing out and about tomorrow - sleep or not - and I will figure out something to do! :)

This hasn't necessarily been easy - this "challenge". I guess that's why it's called a challenge...but it's been rough the past few days! But...I am sure the days ahead will get easier for me and I will be back to my happy self! :)

(Thanks Summer for the challenge!)

Challenge Day 3

So for this 21 day challenge...today's challenge is something I actually do quite a bit on this blog. The challenge today says:

Today's focus is on the blessings in your life. My mentor mom keeps a blessings journal, and each day she keeps track and writes down all the blessings of her day.
I think it's such an incredible idea, one that can only bring about joy.
So grab a notebook and keep track of each and every blessing that comes your way.
When you're looking for them, you'll be sure to find them

Believe it or not, I use to do this every day...find at least ONE thing that I was grateful for and was a blessing to me. On tough days...the cereal I had in the morning was the only thing I could find. On great days - I'd have a million things (okay not that many - but I'd have a lot!) Some of you may also remember that I did Thankful Tuesday which I have stopped doing since I was REALLY slow in blogging for a while. Maybe I will pick that back up...

Anyways...getting back on track...

So this morning I was already thinking of some before I even saw today's challenge.

I am so blessed to have my sister-in-law in my life. This morning I was thinking how great it will be to get a date night with my husband for our anniversary. Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow but he's working so we will celebrate on Thursday. Do you know that in almost a year we have not been out together...alone? How insane is that? So I am truly blessed she will be around to do that for us.

I am blessed with a wonderful, adorable, handsome, sexy, funny, dorky, passionate, big hearted, caring, loving, beautiful man as a husband. I am blessed with two amazing daughters that have brought me more joy than I could EVER describe in words...ever. I am blessed with friends who have touched my life in such profound ways...and probably don't even know it!

I am blessed the scale showed a smaller number than it had the previous weigh-in. (I am doing Weight Watchers online and every Tuesday I weigh in).

I am blessed my mom will be available to watch our oldest tomorrow so that I can take Allison to the doctor for an ultrasound on her hips (she was breech and it's standard practice). We aren't allowed to bring other children so I am blessed she is able to do that!

I am blessed with a beautiful home my husband has worked his ass off to provide for us. I am blessed with all the beautiful belongings we have in our home. I am blessed with my family here and my family that has already passed.

I am blessed to just be me. I find myself complaining a lot about lack of sleep or lack of help or two tantrumy kids (can a newborn be tantrumy?) and I need to really focus on the blessings and stop allowing the negative things influence my day. Yeah, I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, had a snoring husband and a baby who didn't sleep through the night like she normally does...but you know what? That's more than a lot of people have. I am so blessed to have a snoring husband. I am blessed to have a baby. I am blessed to be able to wake up and actually get out of bed, healthy enough to take care of a family. I have no right to complain when there are people searching for their one true love and haven't met them yet. I have no right to complain when I am truly blessed to have children - healthy children - that do wake me up when there are couples that try for years and years and are unable to have children. I am blessed to get 4 hours of sleep when a soldier may have been up fighting for MY freedom for and hasn't slept in 72 hours. I am blessed to be able to open my eyes and take in this world, hear my children laugh, to be able walk and talk, and get out of bed each day. There are a lot of people who can't do some of that, or any of that.

And for that...I am truly blessed.

Now tell me...what blessings have you found in your life...not just today...but every day?

And...again...I encourage you to start the challenge. It's okay if you start late...I did. Just click HERE and get to work!

til tomorrow...

It's Just 21 Days...

So I found this challenge today and I thought it sounded like a good thing to try! After all...it's only 21 days!

I am already late in starting so I must catch up.

For the first challenge I have to give something up for 21 days. I am late in doing this and already blew it today - but starting tomorrow I am giving up peanut butter oreos. Lame. But...when you are on this crazy no milk/no soy diet...peanut butter oreos are HEAVEN. Nevermind there is a BRAND NEW package in the pantry. BUT...for 21 days I can give it up. That's 3 weeks - and since I am a few days late...it's more like 19 days!

The second challenge for today says:

Let today be a day that you are focused on going out of your way to show love and kindness to the people around you. Whether that means sending a card, writing a thoughtful email or note, doing a chore for someone, or spending extra intentional time with a friend, child or family member.... Whatever it may be, just find as many ways as you can throughout the day and do them. And do them with a heart full of love.

So today it's all about Emily. Erik went snowboarding, Allison is hanging out in Allison style and Emily and I are playing. Can you believe I busted out the Wii and showed her how to sword fight? Bad mommy? Fun mommy? Not sure mommy. But it was fun and we laughed and laughed. We have cuddled, and watched tv, talked, laughed some more. And now...it's time for me to get back to her!

Til my next challenge...

By the way...I encourage all of you to play along! Just head on over HERE and have some fun!

After all...what's 21 days!

Daily Life

Every day is filled with new feats, new adventures, new struggles. Okay, not so new struggles, it's the same struggles - but some days it seems harder than the time before, and sometimes it seems easier.

Going from one child to two is rough. I hate to admit this, but I rarely leave the house with both kids. I think the only time I have left the house alone with both kids was when I was meeting someone somewhere...otherwise I just don't do it. I am not quite ready for it yet. As it is, when we go out, it always seems that both kids melt down at the same time. That's a tough one for me to deal with in public. I feel like all eyes are on me and moms can be SO judgmental of other moms that it usually gets my anxiety going. Plus just listening to both of them at the same time is enough to drive someone insane. But I am learning and I am feeling more confident and am hoping when Erik goes back to work this next shift that I will venture out for a quick trip...alone. Pray for me.

Allison is smiling more and more and I think twice she has giggled. It isn't a full-on giggle but I took it as one. I can't wait to hear them when they are in full-effect! She has been doing good with the MSPI. It's a rough diet for me to follow but it has gotten easier. I even ate dinner out (breakfast is easier) at Red Robin. I was ecstatic that they have an allergy menu so I was able to order a burger and fries and not have any reactions from Allison! It tasted SO GOOD that I was sure they screwed up my order! Alas...they didn't! :)

Emily is growing growing growing too. I am ready to start potty training her full-on. I seriously think it's time. She, on the other hand, doesn't think it is. Sigh. She has gone potty on the toilet a few times but that's about it. I kick myself every day for stopping the potty training right when we were moving. It was a huge mistake. BUT...I know she isn't going to be 12 in diapers...or at least I hope not. So little by little I am hoping she learns and before too long we will be diaper free! Oh the joy! I am hoping before our trip to Disneyland in November that she'll be pretty good without diapers! Fingers crossed.

We got pictures of the kids done the other day and I thought I'd upload a few. The ones we have framed I didn't scan before they were framed so you won't get to see those. They were cutest ones I must say. The one below of both of them made it into a frame but we got extras so I was able to scan it. Sadly, there were no pictures with both of them together where Emily looked at the camera.







Oh how I love those two little munchkins!

Reflecting

Back and forth and back and forth...you are swinging quietly in your swing, not a care in the world. You are so precious, so innocent. You depend on me for your life. I feed you. I bathe you. I hold you. I rock you. We dance, I sing. Your blue eyes are taking everything in. My face. Your own reflection. Your sister. Your daddy. I enjoy nursing you. I enjoy our bond. You are my second born, my youngest, my sweet sweet newborn. I look at you and wonder what you will look like when you reach your sister's age. I wonder what your personality will be like. I wonder if you actually will have blonde hair. I am pretty confident you will keep your blue eyes. I wonder what you will love to do. I wonder what will make you giggle. I can't wait to find out. You are everything to me.

Sitting next to me, playing your latest obsession, you are my precious precious first born. When you were born you looked JUST like your daddy. Today as I watched you dance, talk to me, and play, I realized you look like me at that age. Your new haircut, your big eyes, your skin tone. I see me in you so much more. I am truly honored. You are so beautiful, so sweet, so funny, so perfect. I worry about you. I worry for the first day of preschool. I worry you will be scared or sad to be on your own. I want to do everything to protect you from any sadness, any anxiety, any pain. You mean the world to me. I sometimes look at you and wonder what you will look like on the first day of kindergarten, as a teenager, as a high-schooler about to graduate. I wonder if you will become a dancer like I was growing up, or if you will be a tomboy and ride motorcycles like your daddy. I also wonder if you will do both. I envision myself watching you at a dance recital. I daydream about what it will be like to watch you at your first school play, where you are a banana or an apple, or a tree. Oh how proud I will be. I am curious about how you will react to Disneyland. Oh how I hope we can go this year. You make me so proud. You fill my heart with more than you can ever imagine. You are my heart and soul.

As I sit here and look around, I am thankful. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the two beautiful children my husband gave me. Thankful that he made it all possible for us to live in a beautiful home with nice things. He has made sure our girls are taken care of. He has made sure I am taken care of too. It's always a huge adjustment with a newborn but he has done all he can to make it easier. He's listened to me bitch, whine, put up with my moodiness because I haven't slept much lately and I am constantly whipping out my boob to feed the baby. Sometimes it seems too much but he's there, listening to me, not judging. He works a lot (he's gone for a 72 hour shift right now) and although I swear he will never know how tiring it is to watch both kids or how hard it is...I understand it's as equally hard for him too. He may not sleep during his shift. He is saving lives while risking his own. I am truly proud of him. I love him more than he'll ever know. More than I tell him. I neglect to tell him how much he means to me and I grow comfortable with how things are. But I love him. With everything in me. With all my heart and soul.

It's a good thing to take a step back, look around, and be thankful. I rarely take the time to do that anymore. I forget what life is all about sometimes. Life is about these two precious humans next to me. Life is a beautiful family. I am the luckiest woman. I am truly happy.

The Joys of Motherhood...

This week I thought I'd particpate in Mama Kat's Writers Workshop since I am trying to get back into blogging. I've neglected it for quite some time now.

The prompt I chose was 10 things I didn't know until I was a mom. I could probably write a heck of a lot more than 10 things...but I'll stick to the assignment. After all, no one likes the teacher's pet...the over-achiever...the kiss ass. LOL!

So the ten things that motherhood has taught me, that I would not have learned if I had not given birth to the best children on the planet (sorry to burst your bubble but my kids are better than yours...okay, maybe I take that back as I watch my 2 year old in the beginning of a temper tantrum) are as follows:

1. The love. Yes, it's cliche. Everyone hears "you never know love until you have a child" but it's true. Any parent can tell you how true it is. No matter what your child does, that love will always be there. It's an awesome feeling that I am so happy I am able to experience! That hug, that smile, that giggle, that accomplishment are such AMAZING moments and there is nothing in this world that can EVER be better than feeling like that!

2. Poop, puke, snot and other bodily secretions no longer bother me. Well let me clarify. If I see your kid out and about with green snot hanging down to their chin and poop coming out of their pants...that bugs. But my precious children?? It doesn't bother me. I have been pooped on, puked on, and had snot smeared all over me. And I am okay with that! Really...I am! :)

3. Patience. If you know me...patience is not my strong suit. I never really had some before children. Never really cared to have any (bad quality I know). I didn't know what patience really entailed until I became a mom. You basically HAVE to be patient...or at least try your best to be. So those days filled with temper tantrums from the 2 year old and screaming and crying from the newborn REALLY test my patience and it's amazing that I still have some left! (Even some left for the husband when he's bugging me!) But I learned how important it is to acquire that quality and put it to use. :)

4. Messy houses are okay. There are times this house literally looks like a tornado came through here. Some days there are dishes in the sink (when we have a dishwasher), diaper bags on the table, papers on the desk in the office, clothes on the floor in my bedroom, an unmade bed, make up left out in the bathroom, and pans needing to still be washed from the breakfast the morning before last. BUT...all of that is okay. It's okay because it's replaced by a giggling, smiling 2 year old, a happy wife, a happy husband, and a happy newborn. All those things are meaningless if there isn't happiness in the home. Sure, they get cleaned up and are rarely a mess for long...but sometimes (especially when hubby is on shift)...it looks like that.

5. Temper tantrums can be quite comical. I use to HATE watching other kids have temper tantrums (thinking Nanny 911 tantrums) but now that we have our own in our house...sometimes...they actually make me laugh. In fact, sometimes I have been known to whip out the video camera and film them. :)

6. Sleep is over-rated. Okay...it's not really but that's what I tell myself. Sure, I get SOME sleep, but definitely not as much as the average person, or even the husband. I think a mom never truly sleeps, ever. We are always half-asleep. We are asleep just enough in order to hear our children cry out in their sleep. We are asleep just enough to still be able to hear the toddler snoring. We are asleep just enough to hear the newborn stir in her sleep and listen intently for her to be breathing. We are asleep just enough to wake up on time and make sure the husband is getting up and ready for work and hasn't pressed snooze one too many times. Sure, we technically sleep, but not like our husbands. Not like our friends and family without children. Not like we use to before we became a mom.

7. I didn't know that it is okay to give up a huge part of yourself to become a mom. It's something I have been struggling with lately. I gave up a HUGE part of who I was for the past 18 years of my life to be a stay at home mom. Eighteen years is more than half of my age so giving up my career to be home with the kids has NOT been easy for me. But...recently I read some things that put it all into perspective and I would have never have learned unless I was a mom. Sure, I had more money before but as someone said...no purse, no boat, no fancy car will ever feel as good as hearing your baby's giggle. The other one I heard was "you have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once". It's so true. So I am learning that it's okay to let my career, my work, the big part of who I was go and enter into this new role as a mom, a role model, a friend, a mentor. No job could ever be as important as this one and I am learning to accept that, no matter how hard it is.

8. If I had never became a mom, I would have never known how truly hard this job is and how hard my mom worked to provide for my brother and I. I think the moment you become a mother yourself, you gain a new appreciation for your mother. You learn just what she went through. My mom made it look so easy and I learned now as a mom myself that it wasn't easy for her either. I am sure she was just as sleep deprived, just as worried about if she was making the right decisions, just as insecure if she was doing right by her kids, just as worried about our well-being and safety. I am sure she worried about the choices she made and worried how they would affect us. I am sure she worried about our first day of kindergarten, our first day of high school, the first time we took the car out on our own (which she had a right to worry about me...I crashed it...into my dad's neighbor). I am sure she cried when we cried, laughed when we laughed, and didn't sleep when we were sick or when we were out past her own bedtime. Oh how I love my mom and oh how much of a role model she is for me! I truly hope I can provide my kids just as much as my mom provided for us.

9. You CAN rationalize with a two-year old. At least that is what I am telling myself. If you have a two-year old you know you can rationalize with them too. For those of you laughing at me because you think it can't be done...shut it and let me live in my fantasy world!

10. Nap time and bed time can be the happiest times of the day and can make a bad mood (yours not the childs) instantly better. :)

I wouldn't give my role as a mom up for ANYTHING. The two of them have brought me such a joy no other thing in this world could ever re-create. I am truly truly blessed. Thanks Mama Kat for reminding me what it's all about! Now time to whip out the boob, cause a temper tantrum with the toddler because I am about to make her stop playing Pocket God on my phone, and get on with my day!

A Bunch of Nothing..

Today feels like Sunday to me. Rarely do I have a lazy Saturday. Today the sun was shining and it was gorgeous outside. I chose to stay inside - in my pjs. I had a tea party about 4 times today, read a billion and a half books, whipped my boobs out, sang, danced, cuddled, giggled. I got a lot of smiles and coos from the newborn today too. LOVE getting those! I also dealt with almost a full day of tantrums out of our oldest. I guess that's where a lot of the giggling came from. It was almost comical. I even took out the video camera! It will probably be erased but I'd like her to see how she looks when she's acting like that.

We did manage to get outside for a tiny bit in the backyard but that was short lived when the baby started crying inside to be fed.

The hubby is on shift. Today was his first day. He will be home on Monday. It's getting easier when he goes on shift now but I am ALWAYS ready for him to be home when his shift is over. It's MUCH easier with extra help.

As I sit here and look around my house, it's obvious I am a mother of two. Our front room is a mess. There is a train set with the train off the track on its side, followed by the caboose about 5 feet away. There are about 6 books on the floor and a ton of flashcards her aunt bought her. I hate those flashcards. They are bug flashcards and I see an aphid, an ant, a grasshopper and dragonfly staring at me as I type. They are kinda creepy. Well not kinda...they ARE creepy.

There is a tiara, a purse, a tea set (with the cups and pot on the floor but the plates and spoon on our coffee table), a boat and Wonder Pets on our coffee table. There is also a monster truck school bus in the play gym on the floor that our newborn "plays" in. I am definitely a mother of two.

My oldest is sitting next to me playing "Pocket God" on my phone as I blog. The girl is obsessed with that game. She needs a 12-step program.

As I am typing I just happened to catch a glimpse of the time and it is time to get the munchkin fed, bathed and in bed! I LOVE this time of night so I am off to get her down for bed and to give me some rest (until the newborn needs me!).

Identity Crisis

Gone are the days of heels and button-ups, hair done just right, perfume on, make up on, confidence on. Those days have been replaced by the new me. The one I never pictured myself to be. The pajama wearing, hair a mess and up, no make up, frumpy me. My perfume has a new smell to it...spit up. My intellectual conversations have been replaced by trying to reason with a two-year old. You can guess how well that goes.

I gave up a huge part of myself to accept this role as a stay at home mom. Do you know that is the very first time I admitted that is what I am? I use to own and operate a growing paralegal business. I had hundreds of clients that came to me for help. They depended on me to help them through a difficult time in their life. I was the one person that offered them a hand when it felt like no one else was there. I LOVED that role. I LOVED being that for them. I LOVED talking to adults.

Times have changed. I am still that person that is depended on for help. I am still that person that helps out in a difficult time. But those difficult times are usually a hurt finger that needs a pretend band-aid and lots of kisses. I LOVE this role but it is taking some getting use to...some acceptance on my part. Acceptance that I was never willing to give until now.

My husband and I have decided that it was the best idea for me to close my business to raise our two daughters. A business demands your time 24/7, and two children do too. I had a choice to make. I made the choice to walk away from eighteen years of my life as a paralegal. I did it for my two precious daughters. I did it for our family. But you know what? It hasn't been easy for me.

I guess I am selfish when I say I miss it and some days I wish we had a nanny or day care or something so I could work. Some days I want to run away and just deal with me. As much as I complained about clients being frustrating, being a stay at home mom is frustrating too. I no longer pee in private. I no longer shower in private. I no longer eat or enjoy a meal in private. I no longer relax. I no longer get "me" time unless it revolves around my boobs. I am breastfeeding the newborn and everything revolves around my boobs. My boobs and my diet.

The newborn has MSPI which means that she has an intolerance to milk and soy protein. Milk and soy are in EVERYTHING. EVERY.FRIGGEN.THING. Trying to adhere to a diet void of milk and soy is tough. But I do it for her so that her body doesn't have to be in pain. But I miss being able to attend dinners out with friends. I miss being able to just pull anything out of the fridge and eat it without having to read the entire ingredient list. I miss a nice cold glass of milk. If you know me, dairy was my main food group. I miss it. Tremendously.

So I trudge along. Day by day. Hour by hour when day by day seems too difficult, and lately it has felt that way. I am SLOWLY accepting this role and SLOWLY moving into it. I even am finding myself doing something I NEVER thought I'd do or want to do...joining a moms group. I have always had a problem with judgmental moms. I am hoping this won't be over-run by these types of women. I am hoping to gain friendships for my daughter since she has very few...and if I gain some friends out of it...that would be okay too! I am nervous about it since I am a SUPER shy person...but we'll see how it goes. If the munchkin can gain friends...even one friend...it would be a success.

This new role is growing on me but I feel pulled in two different directions. I feel pulled to the person I was for 18 years. I feel pulled to raising my kids without outside help. I feel resentful my business closed. I feel resentful I still have a few clients I must tend to. It's definitely a whole new identity for me and I feel like I am in the middle of a huge idenity crisis. I know it will all even out and all work out...but today...right now...I am just trying to figure me out.

AND...would you know it... it's time to cut this blog entry off now. My boobs are in demand...yet again! Have a great day everyone!

Not much to report other than...

it's been rough lately. Very very rough. Allison is exhibiting signs of MSPI just like her sister did and it's been rough. Crying for hours on end. In lots of pain. Nothing can console her until it passes.

Last night I held her for 6 hours straight while she screamed her head off in pain. I got three hours of sleep which seems to be the norm lately. Exhausted.

I am going to be trying her on rat poison (aka formula) at her next feeding and will pump as well. Doing this just to see if it helps. Feels shitty. Feels like I am a failure and can't even breastfeed my children. BUT if the formula helps - then I'd rather have that than bloody diapers or screaming in pain because their intestines are raw and inflamed and bleeding.

Other than that? Emily is slowly coming around and warming up to her big sister and me again. Still not 100% but slowly making progress.

Oh how I long for happiness back in my home. Happiness for Allison. Happiness for Emily. Happiness for Erik. If all of them are happy...then that will allow happiness for myself.

Here's to hoping and to reminding myself often...this too shall pass.