Post It Note Tuesday...

If You Really Knew Me 2...3...4...

So I've been busy the past few days and haven't been able to keep up on my 30 days of truth.  So here you go...3 big ol' truths all in one!

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love my heart. My ability to love. My ability to love so many different things. I love helping people - out of the love in my heart. I love making others smile. I love making birthdays and holidays special for those I love. I love my family and friends with a type of love I could never explain in words, only through feelings. I love the funny little things I see my kids do...or even funny or adorable things others do. I love my husband with a love that would never be able to be captured in words. I love my friends as if they were my own brothers and sisters. I love my parents and brother with a love that once again, could never be explained in words. I love that through all my heartaches and trials and tribulations, I have never let my heart turn cold and refused to love or have forgotten how to (which sadly I have known people to do). I love the feeling of love. :)

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This needs some thinking. There are a lot of things I need to work on forgiving myself for. But I think the biggest one is I need to accept and forgive myself for not being perfect. Sounds kinda ridiculous typing that out since no one is perfect. But I tend to want to be the best wife and mom and friend and everything. But I am not. I am not going to be the perfect wife. I am not going to be the perfect mom. I am not going to be the perfect friend. I am not the perfect daughter or sister. I need to work on forgiving that in myself and to just work on being me - the me that I am...imperfections and all. That's a tough one. I hate disappointing others but I think the more I strive to be perfect for everyone else - I only end up disappointing myself.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This will actually be talked about tomorrow in my Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday. But I need to really work on forgiving my grandparents. It's a work in progress. I don't hold any hatred towards them, I just need to work on forgiving them. You can read more about it tomorrow!

Growing So Fast!

Today we took our toddler to go see a Preschool.  It's a brand new one opening up here in town.  It was kind of surreal watching her play with the toys and go down the slide.  I loved watching her but I also felt a sense of sadness.  My baby is growing up! 

I know they will grow up and before I know it - they will be my age with kids of their own.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it! 

I'm SO excited for her to enter this new phase of her life but with that comes a sense of loss.  I am losing the little girl that needed me for everything and that is now replaced by the "I want to do it all by myself" girl.  I am losing the one that liked to cuddle and she is being replaced by the one that doesn't. 

BUT I am gaining the girl that is growing up and learning new things and becoming the person she was meant to be.  I am gaining the girl that has the whole world in front of her and she's starting to discover it. 

It's a bitter/sweet day.  If I'm emotional today...I can't imagine how emotional I will be on her first day of preschool...kindergarten or high school. 

If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me...you'd know that I hate the fact that I am insecure.  I am insecure in a lot of things...looks, weight, intelligence, parenting, being a good wife, cooking, pretty much everything.  It's not a fun place to be and it's something I need to spend time working on.  A lot of time working on.  It's a constant work in progress for me. 

A lot of people have told me they had no clue I possess this negative self-image of myself.  Some know that I am shy and some know that I am not happy with how I look right now, but a lot of people don't know the real feelings behind my smile.  Nor do people know that sometimes, my smile is fake.  But...you gotta fake it 'til you make it some days and that's what I do. 

So...there you go...the first truth to all of you in this challenge.  I encourage you to play along!  You can find the list of truths right after this post.

If You Really Knew Me...

So I saw this challenge on another blog I started following and it seemed really interesting.  I encourage all of you to play along as well! 

Here is the list of truths to write about:

30 Days of Truth:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Not sure how hard or easy it will be but I think it will be a good exercise!  :)  Please join in!

Dear Mommy and Daddy...

Dear Mommy and Daddy...

I don't feel so well. I have a cold and the snot keeps dripping. I "spit up" like sissy does and it scared me some. You told me it's called "vomit" but all I know is I don't like it and I hope I am back to feeling better soon.

Mommy, I know you have a lot of things to do so thank you for getting up with me about 400 times last night. It made me feel better knowing you cared, even if you were absolutely exhausted. Thank you for holding my hand as I leaned my head over the potty. Thank you for rubbing my head and scratching my back to help me fall back asleep. Thank you for reassuring me that everything will be okay.

Daddy, I know you also have a lot of things to do today. You are my hero daddy. I'm sorry I puked all over you last night. Thank you for not making me feel bad about it and for helping me out by cleaning me up and showing me where the "spit up"...err..."vomit" goes. Daddy, I love you so much and I'm so glad you make me feel safe and secure and work hard for us.

I woke up feeling better this morning, full of energy, but didn't feel like eating. I hope I am getting better. Sissy seems better, hers only lasted about a day and a half. That means it isn't too much longer for me!

By the way Mommy...I know you had a different letter planned for the Writer's Workshop but I think this one is more fitting just because you didn't get any sleep last night! Hope your readers understand!

Love,

Munchkin

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I think the one thing I always question is myself. Am I good enough? I guess that can be from childhood issues or what have you - but I seriously question these kinds of things.

The one I struggle with the most is if I am a good enough mom. Do I give my kids what they need? Not in material things but in emotional things. I can't be two places at once, although I try. Today was especially difficult. I have a sick baby and a toddler who needs my attention. (By the way - I am writing this Tuesday night as I am about to have my own personal meltdown from today's events). The baby just cried her heart out all.day.long. The toddler was really good and understanding as toddler's can be. The TV helped me out A LOT today. More than I would ever admit. But what can I do when the baby would just cry and cry and scream if I laid her down, and god forbid, laid her down and left the room. I understand she has a plethora of snot and a small fever but even I need a break sometimes.

My toddler had tantrums today. I know it was just because she needed me and I couldn't be there like she needed me. I am sad. I feel like I failed her. I feel like if Super Nanny were here she'd be yelling at me and telling me everything I did was completely wrong and damaging. What's worse? My toddler said she hated me the other day. She said it in her room but the monitor was on. She said "I hate mommy". My heart still breaks just thinking about that. I know she was mad because she didn't want to go to bed and I doubt she meant it and I KNOW that won't be the last time she says it. But at 3? Seriously? How does she know what that means?

I miss her. I miss just her and I. I don't get her and I time that much anymore. It's something I need to do my best to do. Leave the house with just her and I. But, she's SUCH a daddy's girl, I'm not too sure how well she'd welcome that idea. When he comes home from shift, I am chopped liver. I guess I just need to do it and see. After all, I am the adult here, aren't I? No really...am I? Today I feel like a lost soul. Not an adult. Not a child. Just lost.

Tomorrow is another day and  I know these feelings won't be so intense.  It's just been a difficult day.  But I will still question if I am raising my kids well enough.  I will still wonder if they will end up in therapy because of me.  I watch that show Intervention and I fear my kids will be one of those people because of something I have done.  Irrational?  Probably.  But I wonder these things.  And hey...it's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday - so I'm allowed to wonder these things today!

Here's to a MUCH better tomorrow!

Now go and tell me what has been on YOUR mind by participating in:

Stick It Where The Sun Don't Shine!

Today's 36 year old tantrum brought to you by:

The Pressure! The Pressure!

So I about panicked when I read my email from MamaKat this morning and saw that she picked one of MY writing prompts for her assignment this week. Not only has this blog been neglected but well...it just needs an overhaul. No sleep and two kids makes it hard to get here but I need to do some blogging so here I go! :)

We've been one busy family! This past weekend was an amazing one! I was so fortunate to meet up with some amazing mommy-friends and share some good quality time with their amazing selves and their precious precious children.

The munchkin had a BLAST with all her friends and is still talking about it!








After the playdate we made or way up to the fair. The hubby was working at the Firefighter Corn Booth and I was blessed to spend some time with our friends and their adorable son. Emily was super tired and looked like she wasn't having any fun but she still is talking about the fair too!




I have so many more pictures from days passed to upload. I'm just exhausted today. I also have maybe a few thought-provoking posts to add as well...when my mind can actually function correctly. So here's hoping for good blogging the next few days!

Also...be sure to keep checking MamaKat's blog to see when she posts her writing prompts. I highly recommend trying the first prompt once they are posted! :)

If You're a Slacker And You Know...Clap Your Hands!

CLAP CLAP! I'm a slacker. I don't blog like I once did. At one point I blogged every single day. I also hosted Thankful Tuesday - and spent time updating friends/family on life. Well, now life and kids have gotten in the way lately. I guess that's what happens - especially when you add a new baby to the mix. This stay-at-home-mom stuff is tough - especially with two! I LOVE it - but it occupies more time than it once did!

At any rate...we have been a busy family!

My brother and his family were in town which is always so wonderful! We were able to go to Marine World, have a sleep over and swim. We were also able to go out to breakfast and crawdad fishing on their last day!









This year we were also able to celebrate fireworks together for the first time. Erik and I have never really been able to relax and watch fireworks in the 7 years we have been together. When I was pregnant with Emily we watched them while he was on shift - until he got a call and I was there watching without him. Every year he has to work the 4th - either mandatory OT or he's just been on shift that day. This year we found out the Country Club has fireworks on the 3rd so we BBQ'd and headed up there for the show! It was SUCH a nice day!


This was the only picture we took on the 3rd! I can't believe it!

On the 4th we watched the parade at a friend's house. It was nice to be able to have a perfect SHADED view - especially since it was super hot that day! Emily played with some friends before it started and we all hung out. It was a perfect morning!



That night, Erik went off to work and the girls and I, along with Erik's parents, headed over to Marine World to watch the fireworks. The fireworks were AWESOME and we had the BEST view! Honestly, I've never seen better fireworks! Emily had her earmuffs on to drown out the loud "bang" and she had a BLAST! (Even if it did take us 2.5 hours to drive 5 minutes home (accident at the front gate which closed the exits down)).


In other news...Allison now has four teeth and is clapping her hands! As of this morning she appears to be trying to crawl although has no idea what she's doing. It's just the absolute beginning of her trying to move - and it's hilarious to watch!

Emily is just growing growing growing. She is a super funny kid and is just so amazing! She's been doing GREAT being potty trained and I couldn't be more proud!

Could it be??

Could it possibly be that the baby has outgrown her MSPI? I had cheese yesterday for lunch - no reaction. In fact - she hasn't had any reaction with cheese at all. She also hasn't had a reaction with the milk that has been in a few things I have eaten - nor has she had a reaction with real butter! YAY!

But for dinner - I had chicken cordon bleu. It involved whipping cream. No reaction yet...

PRAYING she's over it...and praying she doesn't have a reaction! Just need to wait it out a few more days. IF there is no reaction - I am going to guess she's over the MSPI! With Emily - I could have never added that stuff in. In fact, she was over it at about 13 months. Allison's case was a lot more mild so hopefully at 7 months she's done!

I'm getting so much closer to eating normally and having a healthy baby!!! It's exciting! :)

Get 'R Done!

I've been unmotivated long enough to get the things on my to-do list done. So now...today...I am back at it.

Here is my summer to-do list:

1. Get my ass back to the gym or just work out more to lose this baby weight!
2. Eat healthier
3. Start cooking a lot more and eating HOME COOKED meals
4. Make an effort to spend more time with hubby - no matter how exhausted I am
5. Take the kids to the park and/or outdoors more when DH isn't here
6. Go through my work pile and organize it
7. Make a bigger effort to do the home physical therapy program with my youngest and get her out of PT finally
8. Spend one-on-one time with my oldest
9. Take advantage of ME time
10. Help hubby plan out how to landscape the front and back of the house
11. Send out pictures to family that I've been meaning to do
12. Go through the kids clothes and store away/get rid of the ones that no longer fit
13. Go through my closet and get rid of clothes I will not wear (hello - time to put the maternity clothes away).

I am sure there are A LOT more things I need to get done and I am sure this list will grow but it's a start for now!

What is on YOUR to-do list for the summer???

I am a Forgetful Mother...

I'm sad to title my post that I am a forgetful mother. But I am. I was just reading up on a friend's blog and realized that there are things I forget. Not in the literal sense of "oh I forgot to bring the sippy cup" (although I have been known to do that) - but things I forget in reference to my children.

I sometimes forget my oldest child isn't even three yet. There are moments of frustration and disappointment that I experience. There are moments of anger I feel. There are moments of thinking "why don't you understand what I am saying". It's because I forget. I forget she's only two. I forget that sometimes she will pee or poop in her pants because she is only two and just learned to go in the potty. I forget sometimes that she will not listen and only do what SHE wants to do - because she's only two. I forget that she may not want to do something I was enjoying doing with her and will quickly move onto something else...because she's only two. She isn't doing anything wrong - she is just being her two year old self. I forget sometimes.

I also forget that it's important for me to build her up...all the time. During my moments of frustration, I forget. I shouldn't be so quick to get frustrated with her but to take a deep breath and let her have her temper tantrum and when it's over to talk with her and cuddle with her (if she allows it - she isn't always big on cuddling) and remind her of how amazing she is. She is now sharing her mommy with another sibling and I need to remember how that may make her feel at times. I need to remind her she is the most beautiful person and she lights up every room she walks into. I need to remind her she is amazing for being the person she is and there isn't anything she can't do.

But I forget to do these things sometimes. I feel crappy that I forget. So I need to work on this. She IS amazing. She IS beautiful. She DOES light up every single room she walks into. She makes the room sparkle! My life is even more beautiful because she was born and I couldn't be more honored to be HER mommy. To be the mommy to BOTH of my girls is such an honor. One I am truly blessed to have.

Speaking of Cheese...

I had some yesterday. It was pretty much one of the best experiences of my life. Okay, not really. But it was pretty damn good. Going without milk or soy for over 7 months is rough on this dairyaholic.

Now we wait to see if the little one has a reaction.

Everything is crossed hoping and praying she won't! (Gut reaction tells me she's doing pretty good with the MSPI stuff and is HOPEFULLY over it!)

Cheese!!!

I decided to join in on Mama Kat's assignment LAST week...however that has become an epic FAIL! I was battling a headache, battling the 3rd and 4th of July and just spending time with those I love (so okay - that's not a fail). And...well...I've just been lazy. But since the post is still staring at me - I'll finish it!

The assignment is to list 10 things that can make me smile when I am not happy. Easy peasy. By the way - these are in NO particular order!


Yup! My little girl is potty trained...for the most part! Pull ups for nap and night time but this morning she woke up mostly dry and at nap she was completely dry! Still having problems with getting poop in the potty - but I am ONE PROUD MOMMA!


This picture really does NO justice to this sunset! It was by far the reddest sunset I have ever seen. This is the view I am blessed with each night (this picture was taken kind of late). I absolutely love the sunsets each night!


Cute sleeping baby!


The munchkin having fun getting dirty!


The love of my life



Enough said.


Hiking at my favorite place - Big Basin in Santa Cruz, CA


ESPECIALLY this morning!


Sunset and the ocean together! :)


Again...enough said.

Farting and Snorting when Laughing

Today is Father's Day. I can say I am truly blessed to have wonderful men in my life. My dad, my step-dad and my father-in-law are great men who, despite adversities in their lives - have stepped up to the plate and have loved me for who I am, and more importantly, who I am not. I am truly truly truly grateful for them. I could NEVER express my love for them in words - but it's felt...deeply.

I'm also blessed to have picked the RIGHT husband to father my children. My husband is THE most dedicated father. He LOVES those little girls more than anything. The best part? It shows. Everyone sees it. Most importantly, the girls not only see it, but feel it too!

I love the way he parents our children. His patience is WAY better than mine. He is the most silliest dad and can always make them laugh. He wrestles and tickles and makes them fart and snort when laughing. The way that both of the girls light up when they see him is heartwarming.

It's a blessing to have children with this man. I am blessed. I am happy. I wouldn't want it any other way!

Here are some pics I took of the girls for Father's Day...






As it was pointed out to me on facebook, her bangs look super crooked. They aren't. Trust me. They are just the product of a 2 year old smashing her head in the ground like her sister, running her hands through her hair, rolling around, and having cowlicks...all while trying to take pictures!

Growing Up...

Allison had her six month well-baby appointment yesterday. She is growing so well! I have been worried about it because I was not able to breastfeed Emily due to severe MSPI and have been successful with Allison for six months thus far. Honestly - it feels GREAT to say that! BUT...it's a whole new experience to breastfeed this long so I never know how she is doing. Emily was a chunkster because she was on formula and Allison isn't as chunky as Emily was. BUT she's doing good with her growth - even with MSPI!

She is now 16.1 pounds and 26 inches long! She is in the 50th percentile for weight and dropped from the 90th percentile for height to the 75th. Doctor said she looks great! :)

I took this picture yesterday while she was napping in our bed. She looks so peaceful...so beautiful...so comfortable!

Guilt...

It seems like things have been moving in warp-speed yet in slow motion all at once.

The baby is already SIX months old! She turned 6 months on the 7th. How did that even happen? Wasn't she just born a month ago? That's what it seems like...at least to me. It's funny, the older you get...the faster time moves.

The munchkin is still not potty trained. It's been a source of frustration but we are working on it. There are two things kids have 100% control over...what goes into their body and what comes out. I have this weird feeling she will be 12, in diapers. I mean, thank goodness for adult diapers I suppose. She will get it...won't she? Or rather...she will WANT to get it...right?

I must admit that lately I've been feeling like a crappy parent. I am exhausted. For whatever reason Emily has been waking up throughout the night - almost every single damn night. It's not just once...but usually no less than five times (and saying 5 times is low). So I am up with her every half hour and then feeding Allison. Once I am done feeding Allison I can fall asleep only to be woken up for the day an hour later. I've been averaging about two hours of sleep a night. That's enough to make anyone crazy. How I make it through the day is beyond me...but I do. I've rediscovered caffeine.

I haven't been actively playing with the toddler as much as usual because I am just SO tired. Today was a day running on 1.5 hours of sleep so she watched more tv than I usually allow her to. Also, the baby was screaming her head off today for a good portion of it. Those damn teeth. They are so mean. I wish they'd pop through already so she could feel better. Poor thing. Excess tv, crying baby, whining toddler...but I just want to sleep and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel selfish. I feel guilty I am not being a better mother today but it's taking everything in me to even keep my eyes open, to even stand up.

I feel guilty I am not as available for the toddler as I use to be because I have to tend to the baby. I feel guilty the baby doesn't get as much time because I have to tend to the toddler. I feel guilty that it's difficult for me to go out in public with a toddler and a baby all by myself. I do it though. I strap the baby on and throw the toddler in the cart but that is usually a struggle with either the baby not wanting to be worn or the toddler just being 2 and acting it. I feel guilty I haven't figured out the simple solution...the easy solution....the comfortable one. I feel like all eyes are on me as I walk through the store with crying kids. I am *that* mom that I feared. The one with the screaming kid (and believe me - it's not every time - but when it DOES happen I feel full of anxiety). I never *got* it before having my own kids. I always wondered why the parent couldn't control their kid and I vowed to NEVER have *that* kid in public. Now I know better. I can just laugh and shake my head and remind myself she's two (or a baby if it's the baby) and at times I've been known to say that out loud to the gawkers.

I feel guilty I don't spend as much time with the husband lately. By the time the kids are in bed - we can have us time. Sadly, with 2 hours of sleep...I'd rather have time with my pillow. NOT saying I don't love my husband and miss him something fierce...because I do. I really really really do. We need to reconnect so badly. I yearn for the nights to just sit - glass of wine - talk - laugh - relax. I yearn for the backyard fire pit and just talking and reconnecting. But I just NEED to sleep so we can ALL be happy. The rare occasion that I DO stay up - it's a horrible night with kids that are awake or him snoring. It's inevitable...stay up late - don't sleep - miserable the next day. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Even if I shook the husband awake to deal with the toddler - or to turn over - I'd still be woken up. I'm a light sleeper so I'm just going to wake up.

The husband usually encourages me to take a nap - so I try. I really really try. But I can't sleep. I think it's because I am just OVER tired. That...or because as I said...I'm a really light sleeper.

Two kids is tough. I didn't think it would be. I envisioned the happy go lucky family with giggles and tantrums that just roll off your back. I envisioned the toddler loving all things little sister and all of us happy all the time (or most of it). I envisioned just like the movies - and I know better - but I did picture it to be that way. And it will be easier the older the baby gets - but it's hard for me with the husband gone at work lately. But I'll hurdle it - I always do. :)

And I am sure I don't NEED to say this because those that know me - know this...but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't. No matter how much I vent or complain. No matter how much I whine or bitch. I LOVE those little boogers (and they are sick right now so there are lots of boogers) more than anything on this planet. I also love that big booger known as my husband. It's just hard sometimes. I worry. I worry I am screwing the kids up. I worry I will be their cause for therapy. This mom stuff...hardest job I have ever had!

Am I the only mom that has ever felt this way? Because most days - I think I am.

But come on...with all the feelings of guilt and all the thoughts of "am I royally screwing up their lives" - nothing compares to the love for these two...NOTHING:



And by the way (I know you aren't suppose to start sentences with "And" - but I do because it's my blog and I can!) - I'm sorry for the downer post. Just being real with how I have been feeling lately. I know it won't always be like this! I started this post yesterday and since I actually SLEPT last night - I am MUCH happier today! We ALL are! Happy toddler - happy baby - happy mommy! :) YAY!

I promise to bring you happier posts in the near future! :)

Happiness

She didn't perform - too scared. But I was still super proud!

happy feet!


cuddled up with a sleeping baby!

The innocence of a Merry-Go-Round

Ice Cream!

Deep Breath...Deep Breath...

The toddler is about to have her very first dance recital here in an hour and a half. I am a nervous wreck for her! I'm blogging to help me to calm down! LOL!

I think if we hadn't had such a HORRIBLE dress rehearsal - she would be okay. But...it went badly. Very badly. So badly I still get teary thinking about it.

We were told no parents allowed in for dress rehearsal and were told it would be about 15 minutes. Okay. Fine. I HATED watching her walk in with a stranger but I figured it would just be her class and then they'd be done and the next class would go.

About 10 minutes into it - a lady walked out in a hurry and told me she needed me. I walked in to a crowd of over 100 people finding my daughter in some lady's arms bawling her eyes out. She was absolutely hysterical! I don't blame her. A two year old - all alone - not knowing anyone - in a crowd of over 100 - with some lady she didn't know holding her. I'd be hysterical too.

She was SO SO SO upset - I had never witnessed her that scared in her short 2.5 years on this planet. That night she even wanted me to sleep in her room with her - so I did. She is still nervous about it so I can't imagine tonight being smooth - but I'm hopeful.

She's my little rockstar and even if she doesn't get up on stage - I will be the proudest momma there!