The Newest Addition!

On December 7th at 403 pm - our newest daughter entered the world!

Earlier in the morning I had my usual NST and my pre-op appointment. I just had a feeling I would be giving birth that day but was in denial. Of all days, I didn't shave my legs, didn't take the car seat out of the car for my mom, and even told her I didn't need to borrow her car because I'd be back home in about an hour or so. I was hoping my suspicions weren't right because Erik had just started his 48 hour shift.

I arrived at the hospital - so proud to have Stork parking and hoping that wasn't a sign either. I NEVER get Stork parking (which is parking right up front) and was excited that finally there was a spot open. I waddled inside and upstairs for my NST.

They hooked me up to the monitors and took my blood pressure. It was high. 134/103 high. It did come down quite a bit the second reading - but not enough to not be considered borderline. I told myself to just calm down, that didn't mean I was having a baby. As I was doing the NST I was having contractions through it. I told myself they were just Braxton Hicks and not anything rhythmic and weren't too painful so that wouldn't mean I'd deliver. Then they checked for the amniotic fluid. It was 5. Crap. I pretty much knew then I'd be delivering that day, but just told myself maybe not.

I was ushered over to my pre-op appointment and as I waited in the room I just told myself maybe she'll still let me wait until Friday. She knocked on the door, walked in, sat down and the first words were "so I think we are having a baby today...I am not messing around with the fluid or blood pressure anymore and it's time. She's term and what's 4 days?" She assured me she'd re-arrange her schedule so she could deliver the baby for me and told me to call my husband right there. I started crying. I was scared, I was excited, but I think mostly scared.

I called Erik, he at first thought I was joking, but then was able to find relief and meet me over in Labor and Delivery. As I waited for family to arrive, my contractions were picking up and becomming more painful. They were anywhere from 1-4 minutes apart.

Family arrived and we waited some more. Right before I was to go into surgery, my water also started trickling out. I guess it was the right day after all. Whether I was sent home or whether she told me they were taking the baby, I would have ended up having her the same day.

315 rolled around and it was time to bring me into the OR. I was super scared. I said my goodbyes to family and waddled across the hall. They prepped me for surgery, Erik was brought in, and it began.

I am not going to lie...it was totally different this time around. With Emily, I didn't feel a thing. No tugging, no pulling, nothing. This time? I felt it all. Nothing overly painful, but the tugging and pulling and pushing at times were pretty rough. But at 403, she entered the world. She was 8 pounds even, 19.5 inches long and perfect. We named her Allison Mae.

I am obviously home from the hospital now, trying to heal. The healing isn't going as smoothly as it did with Emily but each day it's getting easier. Although my feet are like balloons and I can barely walk on them from all the fluid and I can't wear shoes, and the incision at times stings or pulls and my boobs hurt and I am exhausted. It was worth it. SO worth it!

Emily is having a tough time adjusting but each day she gets better and better. Before long, she will love her little sister just like she loves us (and forgive her mommy for bringing her home). :)

I never thought my heart could grow any bigger - but it has. We are so in love!

First few seconds of life...




First time being dressed...




Proud Daddy...





Baby feet...



All she does at home...

Quick Update...

Well...no baby yet! I did have high blood pressures and had to be monitored in L&D for a bit yesterday. I left with blood pressure still a little high but I was able to go home on strict bedrest. So that's where I am.

Last night (or I guess this morning?) I was up at 3 with contractions. Some were two minutes apart for quite a while. They were also pretty painful. I'd have to stop and breathe through them and the kid would say "mommy is breathing!" LOL! Yes hunny...I sure am! They have now gone away - but that took all the way up until 10 this morning. I am exhausted!

Have another test scheduled tomorrow and then my pre-op on Monday. EXCITED we FINALLY got our dresser so the room can be finished! Sad that husband has to do it on his own but that's okay.

As of today...8 days left!

It's Go Time...

As of today...I have TEN days left before my scheduled c-section. TEN. That's it. I don't feel ready for it yet...and I am DEFINITELY not ready for it as early as tomorrow!

I went in for my usual NST today and was having contractions 5 minutes apart, combined with high blood pressure. The doctor and the high risk expert were a little concerned so sent me for blood work.

The doctor then called me once I got home to inform me that I need to monitor my blood pressure this evening and come in at 9 tomorrow. She told me if my bp is high tomorrow, it looks like our baby may be here as early as tomorrow!

If I am NOT ready for her to arrive in TEN days - how am I going to be ready for her to be her TOMORROW???

So now I am washing my clothes, packing my bag, in the process of trying to rest. OF COURSE husband is on shift, and today is his first day on.

So here's hoping for LOW blood pressure tomorrow and NO baby as of yet. I still want my ten days!

NOT meant for bed rest

So just a quick update for family and friends...

Went to my usual NST appointment on Friday. They measured the fluid before hooking me up to the machines to test heart rate and contractions. Fluid was down again to a 6. The tech said she'd remeasure after the test to see if we could get it higher.

It wasn't.

So back on bed rest until my appointment on Monday.

We will then re-evaluate to see if I have more fluid and go from there. Sigh.

Hoping for better results tomorrow and getting OFF bed rest. I suck at it! And bed rest with a 2 year old and a husband on shift???? Are they insane? THANK GOD for the help I have had! :)

Weekly Assignment

So another week of Mama Kat's assignments that I feel compelled to do! :)

1.) Describe the best/most creative punishment you have ever given your children or received yourself.

2.) Tell a friend or family members story as if it happened to you.

3.) Tell a story about a moment in time when you were so happy you were you and not someone else in the room.

4.) I picked up the phone and I could not believe what I was hearing...

5.) Show us something you did yourself!

I think this week I want to do two of them. Both are interesting. Okay...one is totally childish, but it still makes me totally laugh!

The first one I am going to do is #4.

There was a time when I worked at a law office specializing in divorce (this was before I had my own paralegal practice). The phone rang and I answered it like I normally did "Law office". Yes, that's how us law folks answer. Not very personable.

I hear our client on the other end (I came to recognize his voice A LOT) saying "she's in there with my brother right now!" I asked him what was going on. He said "she's in there with my brother and I am going to stab her when she comes out!" I talked to him, telling him to calm down and that he should put the knife down and leave. He said "no...they are ready to come out...I am going to stab her! I am going to kill her!" I said "[insert name] please don't do anything stupid...it's NOT worth it...just walk out". Next thing I heard was some rumbling with the phone, him yelling "here she comes!" and TONS of screaming before the line went dead. We called 911 but since we didn't know where they were or what exactly was going on, they couldn't help.

Our client stabbed his wife (that filed for divorce) over 27 times. He spent time in prison for his crime. The sad part??? She came in a few months later with all her stab wounds on her face, neck, arms, etc and dismissed the entire divorce so she could work it out with him. It is something that sticks with me to this day and will stick with me probably forever. The sounds were horrible. DEFINITELY couldn't believe what I was hearing on the other end of the phone that day.

So now I am going backward to #3, which is a happier ending...

My sister in law and I took up yoga through the adult education center in our local town. We are both 35 (okay she is 34 still but only for a few more days) and I think we were just a few years younger when we took it. Everything was fine. I tend to get giggly over a lot of things when taking yoga but this time...I was able to keep my giggles in...shaking...sweating...trying to keep them in - but I kept them in.

We were starting to warm down for the night and were doing a pose. There was a lady right in front of the SIL and her husband/boyfriend in front of me. Whatever pose we were doing required your tush to be out in the air and as the room was totally silent...the poor lady let one rip. Now it wasn't a quiet one by any means. It was one sooooooooo loud, sooooooo embarrassing that if it had been me...I would have just took my yoga mat and walked out right then and there and never ever came back.


I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT look at the SIL. I knew if I did - I'd lose it. I'd laugh so hard that I would have to leave. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she looked at me a few times and as we were in our final pose of the night...totally silent and relaxing...both of us were sitting there shaking trying so hard not to laugh. Yes, we are childish.

As soon as class was over - she looked at me - I looked at her - we RAN to our shoes - didn't even roll up our mats - JUMPED in the car and hightailed it out of there. Meanwhile...we laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until we were crying and just about drooling. We could not catch our breath. It was friggen hilarious!!! To this day - we can still laugh and laugh and laugh about it as if it happened the day before! :)

The poor lady never came back to class after that and that is DEFINITELY one time I was glad it was someone else and not me! :)

I Love You...

I have not done a writer's work shop via Mama Kat in ages. But since she twisted my arm with these prompts - I want to do it this week.

The prompts were:

1.) Describe something you're proud of.

2.) Tell me your most humorous wedding experience

3.) 10 reasons why you can't sleep at night

4.) Describe an experience that you wish you could shake from your memory.

5.) Write a love letter to the object of your affection.

I can write on all of them - except maybe number 2. I am proud of so many things and narrowing it down seemed too hard for me today...because of number 3. I can't sleep at night. I didn't get hardly any sleep last night and number 3 would be the easiest choice because it seems like a nightly occurrence. The experience I wish I could shake from memory I could write about - but it's 2-fold. I am glad I was there to experience but can break out in tears suddenly for no reason thinking about it. But number 5...I have been thinking of doing for quite some time. So that's what I pick.

I know this should probably go to my husband - and don't worry - he'll get one. But this one, is to my daughter.

Dear Emily...

I am writing you this letter today because I know in just a few short weeks you will become a big sister. This is SUCH an exciting time for you and I know you will make an EXCELLENT sister. You are such a brilliant, beautiful, funny, loving, joyous two-year-old and now you will add the role of "sister" to that.

Mommy is so proud of you for all that you are and all that you will become. I could NEVER imagine my life without you. You have touched me so profoundly and no words could ever express how much love I have within my heart for you.

I am going to be honest, I am nervous for when your sister arrives. I worry that you may feel left out or that you may feel that mommy and daddy don't love you as much. I worry that you may feel that we like your sister more than you. I want you to know that will NEVER EVER EVER be the case. Newborns are a lot of work (believe it or not you were too!) and they cannot speak or act out their needs in the way you can. They do not understand as well as you do and they require a lot of attention. But I want you to know that NOTHING will EVER replace my love for you. EVER.

Your sister is going to become a part of this family and we will all learn how much bigger our hearts can become. I never thought it would be possible to have more love in my heart, but I know your sister will provide that for ALL of us.

You will continue to make Mommy proud each and every day. My love for you will grow deeper every single second of the day. You will be AMAZING and will be so helpful. You will ALWAYS be Mommy's precious little girl. Mommy will ALWAYS be there for you - whatever it is you need. My love will NEVER disappear or change - only grow deeper.

I cannot thank the Lord enough for bringing YOU into my life. You have made me the woman I am today. You have taught me SO much in your two short years. You have made my life more joyous, more beautiful and more perfect just by being born. I love you so very very much and will continue to do so every single second of every single day.

Thank you for being MY daughter. I am looking forward to this journey with you.

I love you with all of my heart...

Mommy

Just a little hiccup...

First...sorry it's been a while. I owe family and friends photos from about 3 months worth of collecting. Probably more than 3 months now that I think about it. But I will get to it...soon enough - I promise.

Halloween was SO MUCH FUN with the little one. Those will be some of the promised pics I will be putting up - and I think they deserve a blog of their own. So give me a few days (translated into about a week or so). :)

Recently we had a little scare with the pregnancy. I was AMAZED at how calm I remained. I just didn't want to worry. I guess because I hadn't been given ALL the information.

At any rate, had my regular OB appointment on Wednesday the 28th (could be Wednesday - maybe it was a Thursday - at any rate - it was the 28th). Went in, everything checked out okay. As the appointment was coming to a close I figured I better tell my doctor something that had concerned me - just to be safe. So I mentioned that when we had our last 3d/4d that the tech had mentioned I don't have as much fluid as most women, but not as little as some have had. My doctor immediately decided to give me an ultrasound just to make sure all was okay.

The next words out of her mouth were "looks like you just bought a ticket to L&D". I guess my amniotic fluid was EXTREMELY low. She also had to do a pelvic (oh those are fun!) to make sure no fluid was leaking to cause the low amniotic fluid. None was.

As she was writing my orders, she was also explaining that IF I needed to deliver right away there were certain hospitals I'd go to and was sure everything would be fine. Okay. Whatever. I am not going to worry.

I waddle on over to L&D and the midwife was there to greet me. They said I needed to get my own room. YAY for not having to go to triage and be concealed behind a curtain! So I got myself comfy and they hooked me up to the monitors for the heart beat and contractions. Took blood and brought me gallons (literally) of water to drink. Okay. Whatever. Can't be THAT bad.

But time kept going on and on and I hadn't heard anything. I called my husband to come down because I was a little worried (after the midwife explained when I got there about having to be delivered early). But I was in the mode of keeping my husband calm that I just didn't let it affect me.

Then...we FINALLY found a nurse to let us know what was going on (since it was going on 5 hours). He came in to explain that amniotic fluid levels should be at least at 10. That was optimal. He explained anything below an 8 is cause for concern. He explained the hospital I would be transferred to would be a GREAT hospital and I'd be happy there. HAPPY??? DID HE SAY HAPPY?????

I then asked where my fluid level was. He wasn't sure but went to check. Came back and told me 4.8. Well no wonder why everyone was concerned. Now...although I tried not to show it...I was concerned.

Husband had to leave to put the kid to bed (his sister came over to relieve him) and FINALLY the doctor came in. Measured fluid 3 times and was happy enough with a level of 9 to send me home. Guess the gallons of water helped.

This past Friday (10/30) I noticed the baby not moving much. I tried again not to worry too much but with the fluid scare - I was a tad more nervous than I normally would have been. I did everything I was suppose to - ate, walked around - ate something sweet - drank something cold. The MOST kicks I got in an hour were 5. So back to L&D I went.

They monitored me for a bit - the baby was asleep when I got there but woke up about 15 minutes into my stay. They said the baby was probably sleeping a lot today which could be the reason for not feeling a lot of movement. They also did the ultrasound to measure levels again. This time - it was a 7.1 which she was okay with. Sent me home. Took my off bed rest.

Needless to say, I am confused. But I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can learn what numbers to be concerned with and what numbers not to be concerned with. I will have testing two times a week which I am okay with if they can check on my fluid and not deliver this little one too early.

But now? I am scared. I seem to get dehydrated even if I have literally drank 16 glasses of water. (Okay 8 glasses - but 16 ounce glasses). I have been getting pretty dizzy lately for no reason. Today? I just about passed out while the kid was napping. I made myself lay down and just waited until it passed. I wasn't doing anything to exert myself when it happened either. So I wonder. I wonder about fluid levels. I wonder if the baby is okay. I wonder if she will come early. I wonder if it was a fluke about the fluid levels or if this will be an ongoing thing until I deliver. I just wonder. I do my best to stay positive...but it's hard. It's difficult without answers. It's difficult without someone telling me "it will be just fine". It's difficult not being able to exert myself with my 2 year old like I had been.

But I do my best. That is all I can do. I NEED to learn to take care of me - something I rarely do. In fact...I always put others before me - but now...it's time for them to put me first and help me out when I need it. I find that isn't always easy but I find it's needed.

Hoping tomorrow brings answers, good answers, calming answers.

Blah.

Yeah. This pretty much is how I feel right now. Not only has the morning sickness/barfing returned, but the weight gain? Feels INSANE.

I am ready to be done being pregnant! (I think this is about the time I usually say that!)

That's all.

Not So Politically Correct...

I guess I should be venting this elsewhere - but people work, don't have kids, don't quite *get it* sometimes - so why not vent to the entire friggen world?

Somedays...I wonder if I made a mistake. Made a mistake being pregnant again. There. There is my unpolitically correct thing to say. There is me making a statement that will draw negative attention. There is my invitation for people to bash me.

Yesterday was a REALLY difficult parenting day. It was so difficult that I ended up in tears. Yes, pathetic. A 2-year-old made me cry. Not just cry. But sob. Question myself. Doubt myself. Doubt my future as a parent. Feel stupid. Feel insecure. Feel incapable.

The kid is teething all four of her two-year molars at once. She is also definitely in her terrible twos. With hubby at work a minimum of 48 hours a week (but it's usually 72+), it makes it rough on me, especially being pregnant...and 8 months pregnant at that. The kid had a two-hour temper tantrum yesterday. TWO HOURS. STRAIGHT. I have dealt with all-day temper tantrums that were broken up by moments of my nice sweet child breaking through...never have I dealt with a temper tantrum that was full on screaming, crying, kicking, throwing for two hours straight.

I tried everything I shouldn't have. I tried being tough at first and reasoning with a 2 year old. Yeah that worked. I just laughed at myself writing that sentence out. I bargained...with a 2 year old. I pleaded...with a 2 year old. I got angry (mostly away from her)...with a 2-year old. I tried letting her "cry it out". I gave her what she was screaming for (which I am not quite sure what the heck she wanted but at the end of the temper tantrum it was her paci that she'd throw out of the crib, SCREAM AND CRY for it back, only to throw it right back out after I left the room). I tried hugging (which made her more mad). I tried getting her out of the crib (this was at nap time) because I figured she was just NOT going to sleep - but made her stay in her room. She was over-tired. I was over-stressed. Finally after the millionth time throwing her paci (which I was waiting a long time to give back to her) I told her (as I gave it back to her) that next time she threw it out - I was NOT going to give it back. Same goes for the bunny (her bunny in the crib she threw out). She said "okay...I need to go nigh nigh" and then fell asleep for 3.5 hours.

I am guessing my tone the last time about the paci being thrown out and not getting back is what she finally heard because she didn't hear it before - and yes, I know, I made the mistake of giving it back to her after I said I wouldn't. (Yes I know that was wrong...I was just at my wits end!) That, or she just wore herself out. I am telling myself it was my tone - but it probably was the exhaustion!

So I sat there after all that, and still sit here, wondering HOW the hell I am going to deal with two. Alone. Sure, hubby is here - but not as much as I am. He works A LOT. How will I deal with a newborn screaming her head off while a two-year old is screaming her head off too? How will I deal with the temper tantrums of the munchkin with a new born? How will I rest? How will I get ANYTHING done?

It's shitty that I am wondering if it was a mistake to be pregnant again. I am sure it's NOT a mistake - but I just don't know if I have it in ME to do this with TWO kids. Alone for 2-3 days a week (if not more). No husband coming home to help at night. No husband at home during the morning to help before work. Sigh. A 2 year old and a newborn. What was I thinking?

I know millions of women do this. Millions of women handle this. But not sure I have it in ME to handle a new born, a 2 year old, work at home, and just relax sometimes. I don't get much relaxation as it is now, I am sure I will get zero when the new one arrives.

I am shitty for not being excited for the new baby. And...it's not like I am NOT happy or excited. Just today (and yesterday), I am scared. I am unsure.

Accepting my reality...

Yesterday we were given the eviction date for the new baby. In exactly 10 weeks (from yesterday), our newest addition will arrive into this world. It was both an exciting moment, and one plagued with fear and sadness.

After I got all the information, I informed family members and then I looked at my daughter. I felt instant sadness and guilt. Right now she gets all the attention from us, but in just 2 months, she won't have that 100% of the time. I felt sad thinking she won't really grasp why. I think what she WILL grasp is some new baby came into the house and stole her thunder. I think she will be sad and feel left out and I don't want her feeling that way. It broke my heart (still does) to look at her and I felt guilty thinking I am the one putting that on her.

I have tried to tell her that "sister" is on the way but at 2, one can't really understand that. She understands that mommy has "a really full belly" (her words) as she pats it. She will also pat my tummy and say "that's sister right there" but I know she has no clue what that REALLY means.

For her, I feel sad. I don't ever want her to feel left out - ever. But I know there will be times she will need to learn patience because I will have to attend to a newborn over her needs sometimes. For me, I feel sad. Sad that I won't have that one on one interaction with her that I do now. I will miss her being my one and only.

I had a friend tell me she cried all the way to the hospital with her 2nd one because she felt this way - and I have a feeling I will do the same thing.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me that I keep reading. The beginning part is just so hard for me to read right now because that's how I feel. I know it will all work out, but I just feel a lot of emotions and guilt.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.

There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
--

I AM...

This is an oldie but a goodie...and one that fits perfectly today...

I AM...

I am thankful. This has not always been an easy walk for me.

I am disappointed. We have missed family gatherings, weddings, dinner engagements, birthday parties, and holidays because of shift schedules and overtime.

I am patient. There have been dinners spent at the firehouse waiting for Daddy to return from a call while the kids get cranky and the food gets cold.

I am nervous. I awake at 3:00 A.M. hearing creaks in the house and don't have the comfort of my husband beside me.

I am tired. The house is full of sick kids and there is no relief in site because Daddy is on a seventy-two-hour shift.

I am jealous. Jealous of all the women whose husbands came home at 5:00 P.M. to have dinner and hold them at the end of their day.

I am worried. I worry that he may not come home one day. This I try to tuck away.

I am content. We have decided to give up my career so I can stay home and raise our children. We no longer have an abundance of money or things. It is the greatest freedom I have ever known.

I am incompetent. There was a time when I considered myself moderately intelligent. I now struggle to remember where I left my car keys, the diaper bag, and, occasionally, the baby.

I am waiting. Knowing the phone may one day ring for me.

I am doubting. Doubting that God hears all my prayers. Doubting I am the kind of wife and mother He needs me to be.

I am trusting. Trusting that my husband will come home again.

I am confident, I am embarrassed, I am lonely, I am surprised, I am overworked, I am underpaid.

I am...The Fireman's Wife.

Family Tradition I Suppose?

Yesterday hubby, munchkin and I were able to squeeze in a 3D/4D ultrasound. I was so excited to go and see what the new baby looks like!

She is definitely still a she. She has 10 fingers and 10 toes. She is SOOOOO cute. I know this because she is mine. But...

I couldn't really tell just how incredibly adorable she is. Those cute little fingers and toes were in front of her face the whole time. No matter how many times I rolled around or coughed, she kept her face covered. The munchkin did the same thing!

We got SOME profiles (or shall I say...partial profiles) and she looks like she has chubby cheeks - like the munchkin! :) Other than that...she is done with the paparazzi looking at her. Both of our daughters didn't want anything to do with giving a us a preview.

We will go back in three weeks to try again and we are PRAYING for better results.

Here are some for you to try and decipher for now...


Yeah...can't tell what this is. But I assure you, it's all those fingers and toes blocking the face.



Sort of the side of her face...probably hard to make out for most of you...



And that's pretty much it. That's all we can really see. Sigh.

PRAYING the next go-round turns out a lot better! If not...well...we'll just have to be patient like we were with the munchkin! :)

27 weeks

Here we are just a week shy of the third trimester. Lots of changes have taken place in the last few days it seems like.

First...morning sickness has returned. So unfair if you ask me. But each morning, I get the wonderful sickness of pregnancy.

Second...the fatigue has returned, accompanied with not being able to pick up things off the floor as easily, or even put on pants as easily.

Third...in the last 2 days...the belly has REALLY grown. I am not sure what that is all about - but as of Friday, it was noticeable. Not only to me, but to everyone else.

It's scary to think that my belly is going to get bigger. I know it will because that's just what happens. But how scary! It's already uncomfortable!

The baby supposedly weighs 2 pounds now and as far as we know, all is going well.

We FINALLY ordered all the furniture and am praying it arrives in time.

I have my one hour glucose test Thursday the 24th and am praying to pass that. I didn't have problems with the kid (aka the munchkin) with gestational diabetes but this pregnancy is also different than it was with the kid.

So we will see. Hoping to have a 3d/4d done soon too! Once we do, I'll be sure to post pictures! :)

Sunday Thoughts...

Today I feel...a tad disappointed in someone

Tomorrow I am looking forward to...another new day! :)

Yesterday I...looked for baby furniture and we came up empty.

Right now I really want to...tell someone how I feel but have learned to just take a step back.

Five minutes from now...I will be hopping in the shower.

My favorite thing of today so far is....that the kid wanted me to read her "Hands Are Not For Hitting" about 92358230582305832508 times. I hope it sinks in!

Recently I...found out the last of my extended family was moving out of state. I will miss him and it makes me sad since him and I are so close.

I would change...the behavior of someone if I actually could.

I often wonder...what the new baby will look like and how she will act.

I am thankful for...the people in my life.

I am sad for...the fact my family has really dwindled down. :(

I am excited for...fall to hurry up and get here! :)

I am happy for...a friend of mine whose surgery was a success! And I am happy for her funny texts and tweets! :)

I am thinking about...life.

I can't wait to...take our trip to Oregon! :)

I wonder why...the kid is STILL awake and not napping!

I love it when...I am with those I love! I think it's the best feeling in the world!

I don't like it when...I am pregnant and it's 3209850325803258 degrees outside! :)

Right now...I am signing off to shower and get movin' so I can hang out and run errands with a friend and then hopefully play some wii! :)

When all else fails...walk on bumps...

Dear munchkin...

Today you turn two. These past two years have given me so much joy, I cannot ever begin to put it into words. I have watched you grow from a newborn, to a running, talking, laughing, reading, coloring, and yes temper tantrumy two-year old.

You have learned so many new things and so have I. You have taught me a love that I have NEVER felt before. You have taught me patience when I NEVER thought I'd have it. You have taught me laughter at silly things that before I wouldn't think were so silly. You have taught me the simple joy of walking on bumps. Sounds funny doesn't it? But I think it's adorable that when your daddy and I are stressed out and we hear from the back seat of the car "I want to walk on bumps" that we can remember that life can be so simple and little things like that can bring so much joy. I take that with me and try to remember that when I am stressed, just enjoy the little things, and walk on bumps.

You have showed me how amazing a hug can feel. You have helped me grow as a person. You have made me cry just by rocking you to sleep. Not a bad cry, but an "I am so overwhelmed with love right now" cry. You have given me more than words can express. All in the short span of two years.

You mean the world to me. I am so excited and so very proud to call you my daughter. My love will only continue to grow for you. I will always be there for you every step of the way. I will protect you and love you. I am excited to see what this world holds for you. THANK YOU for being MINE.

I love you...

Mommia

Midlife...

Might as well just start this blog like all the others..."It's been forever since I blogged..." - there. Said it. Now I can continue! :)

I am having a hard time grasping that the munchkin will be TWO on Saturday. I still can't believe it. I almost think she should graduate from "munchkin" to "kid". We shall see.

I also can't believe I will be celebrating my FOURTEENTH anniversary of my 21st birthday on Saturday too! Growing up, this age seemed SO OLD. It's funny how the older you get - those "old" ages aren't so old anymore. Someone that dies at 70 to me is still quite young. As of Saturday - I "officially" enter mid-life. That means half of my life is over. It's quite crazy if you ask me. It brings up a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts. Have I done everything I wanted to? Have I let stupid things go? Have I focused on what is IMPORTANT and stopped worrying about the little things? Have I learned to understand that people make mistakes and no one is perfect so when I get hurt or angry to remember they are just as human as I am? Have I taken time to take care of myself? Have I laughed enough? Smiled enough? Hugged enough?

Yes and no to all of those. I am at the point where I am now doing all the things I wanted. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter and another beautiful daughter on the way. I am also a homeowner. All those things can be checked off the list. I have AMAZING family that I know I can count on if I need them. I have great friends that will also be there for me when I need them...even if it puts them out. THAT right there is all I need.

I am a work in progress with learning to let the stupid things go - but I must admit between a year or two ago and now...I have learned to let the little stupid things go. Again, I remind myself that everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes. I probably make the most. When someone pisses me off or hurts my feelings, I talk it out - in my head. Weird I suppose, but that's what I need to do. I have learned that people I love and people that love me don't intentionally set out to hurt me with their actions.

I am still learning to focus on what is important and not spend so much time worrying about what isn't. Again, it is definitely a work in progress. I have been one that likes perfection my whole life. I want everything to be perfect and when things are out of my control...I stress. I am learning to stop that nonsense but it isn't always easy. My husband is the same way and we tend to remind one another to chill out when we get that way. It's a good reminder to have someone call me on it! :) I mean come on, the house may be messy but we are all happy. The laundry may need to get done, but playing with the munchkin is more important. Dinner may need to be cooked, but if I am exhausted and sick and need to rest then take out isn't all that bad. Like I said, a work in progress. I can't please everyone and the moment I try to take care of everyone instead of myself...I fail. I have to remember to stop and take care of ME too - otherwise I WON'T even make it to 70!

Have I taken care of myself? The answer is flat-out no. I haven't taken the time to work out more, eat better, and relax when I need to. I am always thinking there is more to be done and those things can wait. I think this will be the hardest one for me to do, but as my 14th anniversary of that 21st birthday gets closer, I am making it my goal to start doing that. If I don't take care of me, who will? If I don't take care of me, I won't be around for my children or husband. If I don't take care of me, I will be remembered as the girl who always took care of everyone else and "damn we miss her", but I won't be HERE, and that, to me, is more important. I WANT to see my children grow up, get married, have babies of their own. I WANT to be old and feeble with my husband. I want to look at him when I am 70 (and the he is only 66) and hold his hand on that porch swing and be happy where I am. I won't get that if I don't focus on myself at times. I DO NOT think it's selfish to take care of ME and that's what I need to learn to do.

Have I smiled, laughed and hugged more? Again, a work in progress. I need to remember to do that. I fail to do that sometimes because I am too wound up with everything else. So that's what I am learning to do.

I hope on my 40th birthday I can look back over the previous 5 years and realize that I accomplished all the things I wanted to work on and be happy with my progress! I am sure these lessons won't be easy, but they are worth it. I am worth it, and so are the people I love!

Six Word Saturday

HOLDS THE KEY TO MY HEART...

To join in the fun - click here.

Thoughts...

Saw this over at Lacey's blog and it just fit my mood today and thought I'd play along...

I am: feeling serene in my life. We are in the new house. We no longer have ties with the old house. Planning munchkin's 2nd birthday. Realizing I will be 35 this year. (Okay maybe not serene about the last part!)

I think: way too much and that can get me in trouble!

I know: that one day very soon I will be a mother to two and that scares the crap outta me.

I have: some amazing people in my life.

I wish: I could say the things I want to say to the people I should say them to. But I won't. Sometimes keeping quiet is better.

I hate: people that lie, people that are selfish, and people that lie. Oh yeah, and people that lie.

I miss: hanging out with friends. It's funny how many friends distance themselves when you are pregnant! They must think I am disabled or dead, but in fact, I am just pregnant! It's lonely. It's hurtful. But I am thankful for those that still come around and don't mind hanging out with the preggo!

I fear: losing someone I love.

I wonder: what the new baby will look like, what we will name her, how she will act. I also wonder if I am cut out to handle two.

I regret: very little.

I love: so deeply.

I am not: always as happy as I appear. I sometimes hurt or feel lonely but just show the world that I am "okay".

I believe: in myself. I believe in those close to me. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe the truth ALWAYS comes out!

I dance: with my daughter. I dance by myself. I dance when no one is looking.

I sing: all the time to the munchkin. She never tires of hearing my non-singing voice because she always says "again!" :)

I cry: when I feel any emotion strongly. I cry easily.

I fight: crappy. I do not enjoy fighting. I hold grudges. I am happy to say I don't even remember the last time I did fight...Thank God!

I always: think about others before myself. I do this to a fault.

I listen: to my daughter play by herself and my heart melts.

I am happy about: everything happening in my life!

It's Ours!!

We got the keys to the house yesterday! We were suppose to close a day early but our agent was out of town - but yesterday was just fine for us too!!! SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITING! Being the hormonal person I am these days...it even made me almost cry! Got pretty teary eyed but blinked it away!

Hubby and I spent the night cleaning while the mother-in-law stayed at our old house(can I say old house if we are still living there?) while the munchkin slept. We got a lot done. I was EXHAUSTED way before hubby so I left early, relieved the mother-in-law and pretty much fell asleep before even hitting the pillow!

This morning came WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early! Hubby didn't even get home until 1am last night so for us to get out of bed to get ready this morning was a huge chore! We had an 8am appointment with the alarm company and since the munchkin slept in late, hubby left and we are here waiting for him.

We have transferred all the utilities to our name except water. I can't believe all the stuff they need to turn on the water. Copy of our deed (which we don't have yet), driver's license, realtor info, first born child. I mean really, why should it be so difficult?

So today holds more cleaning, running errands, all the fun stuff that you want to do, yet don't want to do!

Oh you know what else? I think we are going to have some pretty amazing sunsets each night! Last night we arrived at the very end of it - and I can tell they are going to be GORGEOUS! I can't wait! :)

Quick update...

It's been a while. I think I start every blog with that same sentence, or something rather close.

At any rate...we are having another GIRL! We are happy to see the baby is doing well and we are happy to be expecting another daughter! It makes things A LOT easier because this child will pretty much have everything, minus bedding which we will be getting pretty soon!

We get the keys to the new house in TWO days! I can't believe it! I am suppose to be packing right now, but obviously I am blogging instead! We have painting to do, clean up, carpet cleaning, all that kind of stuff before we move in - but I am excited!!!!!

I was able to spend some time this weekend with some friends and with my family that is here from Illinois. It has been SO wonderful seeing them and watching the munchkin enjoy their company as well. I am hoping I will get to see them one more time before they leave and that they will be able to see the new house!

Also, if you were following me on Twitter, my account was hacked and banned and I had to create a new account. I will put a new "follow me on twitter" thing up here in a bit. It sucks because I lost a lot of people I was following and lost the 150+ people following me. I am hoping more people will start following me here soon. I am sure it just takes time.

So that is my QUICK update! I am off to pack some more. Hubby is on shift for the next two days so that leaves me packing by myself while taking care of the munchkin. So...off I go!

Can't Even Put It Into Words - and a Reminder to All

I hesitated on writing this blog. But I am. I am sad, devastated, scared, pissed, grateful, and every other emotion under the sun.

On Wednesday, for the 2nd time in FOUR months...we were burglarized. The first time, they just hit the garage. This time, they hit the house.

Hubby, munchkin and I made our way out of the house around 4pm to go to Sears to purchase a new fridge for the new house. We were gone 3.5 hours. Our neighbors dog was going crazy between 4-5 they told us.

We got home, I was the first to enter the house and as I went to walk down our hallway I froze. I looked at hubby (who was still in the garage with munchkin in his arms) and said "someone's been inside here". He said "what do you mean" and I said "I think someone has been here". In the hall were a few boxes from the hall closet. Hubby looked at me and said "I REALLY hope those just fell down and opened the door". Then he looked in our bedroom. His choice of wording explained it all. I didn't even need to take a step closer to our bedroom. I knew.

Panic. Fear. Devastation. Feeling violated. Emotions that I don't even know how to put into words overcame me. I walked right into the office (didn't even look in our room), grabbed the phone and called 911.

After getting off the phone with 911 I was able to look at our room. It was THRASHED. My jewelry EVERYWHERE, purses EVERYWHERE, stuff from our closets - EVERYWHERE. They had been under our bed (we have one of those beds with the drawers and cubby holes underneath).

From first glance, I could tell they probably had some of my jewelry, they took hubby's gun and ammo, and I walked in the front room to see our Wii was gone too.

The police arrived quickly (although honestly, it felt like forever) and were in the room with hubby. My sister-in-law happened to call RIGHT as we got home, so she immediately came over and took care of Emily and put her to bed for us. I couldn't have been MORE grateful for that.

We had to list out what we could tell was gone and wait for the police to take fingerprints. I thought we pretty much knew what was gone until hubby walked into the kitchen where I was talking to a cop and brought out a box. My heart dropped and I said "don't tell me they took that too." They had. Our video camera and digital camera.

ALL of our memories were on that camera. It was an HD camera so we couldn't upload any of it to our computer. We also never made DVDs out of the memories *yet*. ALL of munchkin's firsts were on there. The first night we bought it was the first night she crawled. Got it on film. First steps. First foods. First words. First birthday. First time swimming. First trip to the beach. First trip to the zoo. First trip to the snow. Second trip to the snow. GONE. There was a recent video of her chasing bubbles that was just so beautiful. It was one of those "I am so lucky to be a parent" moments. GONE. There were videos of my grandma that passed last year on there playing with Emily. GONE.

Honestly, they could have ANYTHING else, but just not that. Not my memories. Not something that meant SO MUCH to me. Not my daughter's childhood. Not my memories of my grandma who I was so close with. I can't EVER get more videos of my grandma. I can't EVER get munchkin's firsts back either. It was devastating. It still is. I just want THOSE back. Keep everything else. Just give me that.

So after all the inventory, they did take jewelry, our wii and games, gun, ammo, money, purses, video camera, digital camera, luggage, and other stuff I can't even think of right now as I type this.

The other sad part...we no longer feel safe. We have a hard time sleeping. They didn't hit our office which makes me think they will be back. I am scared when hubby is on shift. They didn't take one gun so I know where that is and sleep with the lights on, the house boarded up like Fort Knox, and with a phone right next to me. I keep the baby monitor up louder than normal. I imagine all these scenarios in my head. I don't even want to leave the house because I am afraid if no one is here, it will happen again. We TRULY believe they are watching us. BOTH times it happened when all three of us were gone. It's really hard to tell when all three of us leave since I park inside. So someone HAS to be watching us. It also happened BOTH TIMES right after we left. It happened in broad daylight. No time of day is excluded. We SHOULD NOT have to live like this. We SHOULD NOT be made to feel like prisoners in our own home. But we do. I CANNOT wait to get into our new home.

The other sucky part??? We JUST cancelled our renter's insurance as of 7/1 because we were moving and figured we wouldn't need it for another year. So yeah...got screwed there too.

I am SO VERY THANKFUL we were not home when it happened. I am SO VERY THANKFUL my family is all okay. I am SO VERY THANKFUL munchkin has NO CLUE what even happened and is oblivious to it all. I am SO VERY THANKFUL they were able to pull some prints.

But it sucks. I want my memories back. I know we can make new ones...but I want THOSE ones. Call me selfish, I don't care.

So for any of you that have children or memories you never want to lose...I URGE you to back everything up. Make copies of EVERYTHING. Keep them in a safe place. I REALLY urge you to get a safe - bolt it to the floor. You ALWAYS feel so sorry for the people it happened to and always think it's too much effort to do all the extra work of backing up everything and it's unlikely it will happen to you. I was one of those people. BUt you know what...it CAN happen to you...no matter how much you lock up your house, turn on your alarm, whatever. It can happen. DON'T make our mistakes. Learn from us. Hopefully you will never have to say "I am so glad I did that" but if you do...you will have those extra precautions.

Meh.

So our appraisal came back! FINALLY! But...somehow...the house appraised for MORE than the asking price. I honestly have NO CLUE how this happened. In one sense, it is GREAT and pretty much guarantees the house to us. But in the other sense, it makes me wonder how a different house, 4 doors down, SAME EXACT floor plan, corner lot, upgraded everything (which ours is not), appraised for $15k less than a month ago?????????????

I mean I totally understand the market has changed. If I wasn't personally in it, I wouldn't believe it at all. But, because we have been in the game for so long, I have personally seen things change in the blink of an eye. Bidding wars are now happening all over. Houses are going for MORE than asking. But I just don't get the whole appraisal of this house compared to the more upgraded one 4 doors down?? The ONLY thing I can think of is that the view from the house we bid on, is a *tad* nicer than the other. But, the other house doesn't have a neighbor on one side where we have neighbors on both.

So I am glad it appraised where it did - but also not happy it appraised where it did. Oh well. Not much we can do. I am TOTALLY stoked it is pretty much ours now though!

On the meh side...I am sicker than sick today. I am almost 17 weeks and am puking up my guts this morning. I don't get it. I know morning sickness can last the whole pregnancy with some people but I thought I was done with mine! I can go weeks without puking and then wake up with it ONCE AGAIN today. Meh.

Oh well...such is life. Sorry for the downer post, it's just my mood right now. Off to go relax...

Time...

It seems like I just don't have time these days to get the things I need to accomplish done. Like blogging. Or even housework some days. We have been non-stop go-go-go the past...I don't even know how long. I am exhausted. Hubby is exhausted. We are definitely in need of some down time. A get away. Something. I just don't see that happening any time in the next...well...year.

Our offer was accepted on the house we bid on. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the enormous amount of paperwork that goes into buying a house would be so intense. I think we see our realtor more than we see anyone else. The munchkin knows who we are visiting as we get near his office.

We have completed our inspections on the house and everything turned out awesome! There are a few MINOR repairs that really aren't that major at all. We are talking about a jammed dishwasher. A few cracked tiles on the roof. A few cracks outside the window. Honestly, all minor things that we can fix our self.

Our next big hurdle will be the appraisal. It is appraising under what we bid which may cause some issues. We are hoping and praying that it all turns out and that the bank doesn't ask for more from us than we can give. If that happens, we will have no choice but to walk. Sigh. So...toes, fingers, eyes, legs, whatever are crossed.

Speaking of keeping your legs crossed...all is good with the new baby. Or as far as we know. We SHOULD find out the sex on the 22nd. My OB said she'd try and look for it. If not, then the 31st is the "Big" ultrasound. We are still hoping it's a boy.

I am definitely carrying this one different. I am not carrying it out front - but everywhere else. I have gained 5 pounds but it literally looks like I have gained 30. HATE IT. But what can you do. I am 16.5 weeks.

So that is the latest update. I am running late and out of time (go figure!) so this must end here.

Wishing you all a great day!

We did it!

We FINALLY put a bid in on a house. We are both scared and excited at the same time. We are both imagining what it will be like to live in this new beautiful house, and also imagining how much we will be disappointed if our offer isn't accepted. We are confident our offer WILL be accepted, but then remember that the market has changed and there is a VERY good chance it won't be.

It's amazing how the market has changed out here in California in just a few short weeks. The house we are bidding for is the EXACT same layout as our "dream house" that we saw that we could not put an offer on because they already had too many. It is only four houses down from that house. It isn't as fancy as the other with all the upgrades that one had, but it does have a nicer view. The "dream" house listed for $359k and sold for $345k. Our house is listed for a similar price (I am not disclosing the actual price, come on now!) and we made our offer with $15k over asking. They then called back to inform us of multiple offers (when it had only been on the market TWO days) and told us we may want to think about raising our offer. So we did. Another $5k. That was our final offer. I CANNOT BELIEVE it's come to this out here already. With VERY limited inventory, one house gets SO MANY offers that it is insane. If you aren't offering MORE than asking price, you might as well forget it. Sigh.

Since we did not have $80k for a down payment, we got an FHA loan which can also go against us in this bidding war too. But, it also helps us if the house appraises for less than we are asking and they accept our offer, we only have to pay the appraisal price! :) (Although there are loopholes with that which I don't even want to think about right at this moment).

And the waiting game is very cruel! We could be waiting to hear back from the bank for up to 3 weeks. THREE FRIGGEN WEEKS. Cruelty I tell ya.

Is it REALLY this scary when trying to get your first house? Is it really this nerve wracking? Poor DH didn't sleep well last night thinking about it, wondering if we should have just stayed with our first price and not offer the additional $5k. Then he is worried about the FHA thing which I am too. Sigh.

So we wait. We wait and wait and wait and pray and pray and pray. I sure hope good news comes our way SOON!

Life's Lessons...

I got this in an email that I have been saving in my inbox for quite some time because I wanted to put it on my blog. I then read my friend's blog today and saw she posted it as well which reminded me I needed to post it. So...I am going to FINALLY get around to doing it because I think it can benefit us all...

(By the way, I LOVE number 21!)


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

What a difference!

I SLEPT!!! For the first time in about a month and a half - I had more than just 3 or 4 hours of sleep! For the first time in a week I slept more than 2.5 hours!!! I feel like a MUCH happier woman this morning!

I ended up getting Unisom for my sleep issues. I double checked with the pharmacist at our local Safeway before I bought Tylenol PM. She said while Tylenol PM or even Benedryl are okay to use, Unisom would be better as it is considered a "Category A" and Tylenol PM and Benedryl are "Category B". What that means is that the Unisom is as safe as taking your prenatal vitamin. So I opted for that. A little leery but I'd rather go with super safe than just "safe".

So we got home after house hunting and I took the pill at 730. By 830 I was asleep!!! I slept until about 2, back to sleep at 4 and then up for the day at 630! YAYYYYY!!!!!!! I feel better today - but still need to catch up on all my missed sleep! Unisom is my best friend today though!

In other news, had the nuchal screen yesterday. We got to see the baby live on screen! I love ultrasounds! Everything came out great! The chances of our baby having Downs is 1 in 1900. The chances of it having Trisomy 18 is 1 in 22000. So those are GREAT odds! :) YAY for a healthy baby!

They tried looking for gender but since the baby was laying on it's belly, they couldn't get a good view. So, on the 22nd of July my doctor said she'd try and find the sex, otherwise we have to wait until July 31st.

So that is all my news this morning. While I have the energy I am going to go and clean some. :) Have a GREAT Friday!!!

I am slow!

I have no idea why this has taken me so long to figure out. I mean, come on, it's pretty obvious, or at least should be.

The reason for my crabbiness isn't necessarily because I am knocked up. I mean, I am sure some of my raging hormones are contributing to it. But I think the real reason for it is...insomnia.

On average, I have been getting only 2-4 hours of sleep per night. That makes me BEYOND exhausted allllll day long and also shortens my fuse to where it's almost non-existent.

I have done some research and found that 78% of pregnant women go through this! Who knew! I didn't have this problem with the munchkin. So once again, as I write this, I am feeling REALLY exhausted and have a short fuse but I am trying to remind myself why I am feeling this way and trying to keep my bitchiness at bay. It's pretty difficult I must say.

I have sent an email into my doctor to see if there is ANYTHING I can do. Sure, I have read all the suggestions online, all of which I have tried, and NOTHING is working. I just can't function on 2-4 hours of sleep - even when I am not pregnant! I need way more than that.

So...here's hoping to find some sort of solution and hopefully SOON!!

Blah.

So yes, I have been staying away from the blog. I have been staying away from pretty much everything lately. Not sure why. Baby blues I suppose.

I am feeling REALLY run down and just EXHAUSTED. I am sure a lot of that has to do with the munchkin in my tummy, but it's almost overwhelming how run down I feel!

The past couple of days I have had some spotting. I can honestly say I don't know if I have ever been so scared in my entire life!!! Saw the doctor yesterday and everything is fine. Heartbeat is a strong 160! Makes me wonder if it is a girl with a heartbeat that high. The doctor wasn't overly concerned with my bleeding but did say that I need to take it easy. She said if I am feeling exhausted - I probably am and to slow it down. If I have more spotting, stop and relax for a few hours. If I am feeling I need a break, take one.

The thing is? I feel like I need a vacation. A vacation away from life. A vacation away from my daughter. A vacation away from my husband. Just a vacation with just me, a good book, maybe some tv, pjs alllll day if I want - and just NO responsibility. I am NOT saying I don't love my daughter or my husband, I am just saying I need some ME time. Not just for part of a day. But for a few days. I know that is impossible for me to have, but I want it. But I guess I'll take what I can get. I'll take the moments when hubby takes munchkin out of the house to the park or to run errands. I'll take the moments hubby is on shift and munchkin is sleeping. I'll also take the moments munchkin is asleep for the night and hubby is on shift. Please don't get me wrong - it's not like I don't WANT to be around my family because I love them so very deeply and I would NEVER want to lose them. But, just right at this moment...I just need to be around ME.

Tomorrow we have an ultrasound to check for Downs for the new munchkin. I can't wait to see the little bean on the screen moving around. I haven't felt the bean yet (or if I have, I have been dismissing it as gas) but it will be exciting to see it moving! Heck, it will be exciting to see it period!

Next month we will be able to find out the gender! I am going to ask them to look tomorrow but it may still be too early. With the heartbeat so high, I am thinking it may be a girl. I think we both want a boy, but I will be happy with a girl too!!!

At any rate...it's time for me to take advantage of some quiet time right now - and that's just what I am going to do!

Hopefully tomorrow I will have some pictures to share!! Have a great night!

A Whole Lotta Nothin...

Not much to say. Seems like my motto these days. Seems like each day is just day in and day out, same ol' routine. Some variations but pretty much the same.

The munchkin has done a GREAT job of melting my heart the past couple of days. Yesterday she pulled up my shirt, pointed to my belly and said "that's brother or sister right there". It was so cute. I just hugged her and said she was very correct. :) Not sure she really knows what it means, but that's okay!

Today I spied on her reading to her dollies. It was so cute. She was making her dollies sit down with her just like she does with us. She told the dollie she needed to "sit on your butt" (she has heard that in the bath) and then she read. Granted, she read books she has basically memorized, but it was still friggen adorable.

Hubby seems like he has been working A LOT lately. That is okay. We have a new addition coming so money is a good thing. We are also still waiting and waiting for houses to come up. Can you believe there are only FIVE houses available in our entire city? All five we have looked at. All five there is no wonder why they are still on the market. None of them were that great.

Tomorrow marks the end of my first trimester. Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. I will be 12 weeks tomorrow and I am saying that is the end! I guess I am saying that because I am SO READY for this all-day sickness to be GONE! There is nothing worse than feeling nauseated ALLLLLL DAYYYYY LONG. Combine headaches, dizziness, and exhaustion and you have what I have been going through. Some days are REALLY difficult to move off the couch when they are at their worst...like yesterday. Most days I can truck on through...but it's not easy. I know my sickness is not going to disappear tomorrow. It took 16 weeks with the munchkin. BUT...one can be hopeful, right??

Tomorrow the munchkin starts swimming lessons! I am super excited to be able to play with her in the water. She LOVES to swim so I am hoping it will be a blast! I am NOT.ONE.BIT. looking forward to being in a bathing suit with my ever-growing self in front of a million strangers. BUT...for the munchkin, I will. It would make it so much easier if I could have a stiff drink or two ahead of time...then I won't feel so self-conscious. But...that ain't gonna happen so I just have to walk confident and pretend I am not feeling super insecure. Sigh.

So that's all that has been going on with us lately. Like I said, nothing too exciting. Just typical days. Glad it's the weekend though!

Here's to hoping all of you have a WONDERFUL weekend! :)

YAY! Thankfulness!

To participate, see the post below!

I am so thankful for so many things this morning!!!

1. First and foremost...I dedicate this background on my blog to our little munchkin. Wanna know why?? Yesterday she pooped on the toilet for the very first time!!!!!!!!!! :) I never thought I'd get so excited over poop until our 20-month old did it on the toilet for the first time! But needless to say...we were SO thankful she did it and we even went out for ice cream to celebrate! YAY!

2. I am also SO VERY THANKFUL that my grade in biology remained an A!!!! I thought after my final (I got a B on the written but a D on the practical...I SUCK at practicals...I need to learn a trick to doing better on them) that I was off on keeping my A by only .4. BUT I kept it and I just about cried in the middle of the ice cream parlor when I learned that! :) I worked SO HARD in that class. It was a VERY difficult class and I am SO happy and SO thankful I kept my A! I still don't know my chemistry grade but I believe it's a B.

3. I am thankful that my time is not so busy lately. Well, busy in the sense that we have been doing things ever since I got out of school - but they are fun and leisurely things - not bogged down with school work things! :)

4. I am thankful this past Sunday that the munchkin was able to take her very first *real* train ride! It was only an hour trip but it was fun!

5. I am thankful that the morning sickness is somewhat subsiding. I still have it. In fact, this morning I do. But it's not an everyday thing anymore. It's also not *usually* an all-day thing anymore either. Some days it still is, but it is easing up! YAY!

6. I am thankful I am almost out of the first trimester. This coming up Saturday I will be at the 12 week mark! Some say that's the end of the first trimester, some say it's when you hit 13 weeks. I will go with the 12 week mark so I can start feeling better! LMAO!

7. I am thankful that I was able to spend time with my friend yesterday. We have both been so busy and haven't been able to spend much time together lately. BUT with school out for me, and school ALMOST out for her...we will hopefully get to hang out more!

8. I am also thankful that the hubby took both the munchkin and K on a bike ride to let my friend and I catch up some! We all met up at the park a little later, but it was nice to be able to talk with just us and no screaming kids! :)

9. I am thankful that the cold I ended up catching is starting to get better. I can breathe with my mouth closed certain times of the day now! I am assuming I caught this because of all the stress I was under and once I was able to relax...all those dirty ugly germs were able to do what they do best.

10. Lastly, but never least...I am thankful the new bean is healthy thus far! We have had the initial blood tests and the glucose screening and both came back okay. I have more blood work next week, more the week after and also an ultrasound coming up to measure for Downs. It's amazing how much more they do when you will turn 35 during your pregnancy. I am in the "high risk" category because of my age! But I don't mind all the tests. The more they can tell that everything is okay - the better I think! :)

So now it's your turn...what makes you thankful today?

Thankful Tuesday

Welcome to Thankful Tuesday! I hope you will take the time to participate this week! It is a great feeling to stop and reflect on all the things you are thankful for! It can do wonders for a bad mood and can do wonders to remind you of the little things that sometimes we all take for granted!

So for this week's assignment...

Your topic is:

OPEN. Write about whatever you like! :)

So what you do is simple...

1. Post a new blog listing ten things that you are thankful for in regards to this week's topic! Feel free to do more than 10!

2. Be sure to link my blog somewhere in your post. (Shameless plug...I know!)

3. Come back later on in the day (after I have posted my post (which will probably be some time around 10 California time)) and sign Mr. Linky that will be at the bottom of my post. This will let everyone know you have participated.

4. Leave a comment for the person that signed above you (or if you are first, leave a comment for me).

5. If you are feeling generous, leave a comment for at least 3 people...or even more!

That's it! :) Pretty simple! Now get to work!

It's Over...

School is FINALLY over! YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! :) It's been a longggggggg week. It's been a hellish past two days. But tonight...I am a FREE woman!! Hubby is at work. Munchkin is asleep. I am going to go sit and read a book I have been dying to get into and just RELAX! :) It's been a long time since I have done that and I think I am entitled! :)

Pullin' My Hair Out...

I see the light. The light at the end of the tunnel. It looks like I have to travel through a whole bunch of crap (I am picturing Shawshank Redemption as he is escaping) but once I get through it...the light will be there. The freedom will be there.

What I am referring to is hell week. Finals week. Sorry I haven't blogged much but I am trying to remember everything I learned throughout the semester. It's amazing how much you forget from test to test and day to day.

TWO MORE DAYS PEOPLE. That's it. Final tomorrow. Final Friday. THEN FREEDOM!!! I will get my life back. I will be able to spend quality time with the munchkin. I will be able to spend quality time with the hubby. I will be able to spend quality time with friends and family! I CAN'T WAIT.

But I must go through a few more days of pure hell until I get there! GOOD NEWS is...I should be done with the majority of my schooling by the end of the Spring Semester. Then it's wait to see if I get accepted to the next phase. That wait list is almost TWO years long. But I am going to look at my options and see what other schools don't have such a huge wait list.

I am SO EXCITED for this next phase in my life!!! But moreso...I am just more excited for 1:00 to come on Friday and then I am a FREE WOMAN!!!!

Okay...done procrastinating...off to study...

Ramblings...

Nothing new to really report - which I guess is why there is a lack in blogging.

I have been SUPER busy with school. It seems the closer we get to the last day (May 29th...which is 8 days, 23 hours from now) I am bombarded with more work. I am counting down the hours and minutes though! It will be GREAT to be out for a while!

Which I guess poses another problem. I am due in December with munchkin number two and the fall semester will end right when I am due. I am hoping there is someway I can squeeze school in and a baby out next semester but I am not too sure how that will work. We shall see!

I am feeling like crap lately. Morning sickness is allllllllllllllll day sickness. It sucks. I am not necessarily throwing up anymore (well, here and there I do) but I am super nauseated all day and will gag over anything. I will be 10 weeks on Saturday. The munchkin seems to laugh at me as I gag while changing a poopy diaper. She then will mimic me. Nice. She takes after her dad that's for sure! LOL!

Emily continues to amaze me every single day. It's so amazing how smart she is. Not only can she count to 10 (well, sometimes to 15) but she knows her abcs too. She sometimes gets ABCDE mixed up (it will be ABEDC) but she knows the rest of it. I think that is awesome for only 20 months! She LOVES to read (today I think I read 4390580245820538 books with her thus far) and she has memorized some that she "reads" back. Her favorite thing to ask lately is "what's that?" as she points to something. You will tell her what it is and she will say "look at the ____!" It's funny. But sometimes...it's an ALL DAY LONG thing! :) She also asks "What are you doing" alllll day long too. As repetitive as it is, it is super cute too!

Erik has been working working working working working. He's been on shift since Saturday, has today off, then back on shift until Monday night. I miss him and Emily misses him too.

So all in all that is what has been going on. Nothing too exciting! :)

I Get It...

I have had A LOT of support when people have found out I am expecting. I had lots of hugs, some tears, tons of congrats and just overall love. It's truly such a wonderful feeling when people are just as excited as you are about a new life coming into this world!

But why is it when you DO have good news - there are those few that aren't happy for you. I mean, I get going through crappy times and I get stress and whatever else. But why is that some people can't just be happy for others? Why must there always be a few to rain on your parade?

I had a few people express to me their "thoughts" on me being pregnant. So, to "answer" their concerns, which may be concerns of others who didn't open their mouth, I will do so here.

1. You better hurry up and potty train Emily. It's going to be so hard to have two kids in diapers. Plus, don't you think you are having two too close together?

No, I don't think they are too close in age. In fact, I think it's a GREAT spread in age. As far as the potty training, it will happen when it does. I am not going to force my daughter to do something she isn't ready for yet, at 20 months, just because it will make MY life better. But don't you worry, we are introducing her to it right now. It just isn't going to happen tomorrow. It will happen when she's ready.

2. I can't believe you are doing this right in the middle of school. School is going to get harder and harder and you should have waited. You probably aren't going to go back. You CAN'T forget about school.

I understandstand school is difficult. I also understand it will get worse the more advanced classes I take. I also understand that this new baby will slow me down a semester or two. I understand the person who said this is having a difficult time in school because this person is more advanced in classes than I am, plus this person is working her butt off with two jobs. I know they are working their ass off and I know they will be SO successful at the end of their journey and I am so EXCITED for this person to reach their goal! But you know what else I understand, I also understand that I have a GREAT support team. I have a great husband who can be flexible with his job. I have great family and friends always willing to help. Sure, I will be tired. Sure I will be stressed. Sure I will probably cry when overworked. But, I can do this. I WILL do this. I believe in myself 110% - which is a hell of a lot more than some people believe in me. But to me, all that matters is that I am doing this for ME. I am making a change for the better. I am making a change that will benefit my family. I truly believe that anything WORTHWHILE takes a lot of hard work. I am committed to this journey.

3. I knew it...but you and your husband have a crappy relationship, is it so smart to be having another child?

THIS is the one that pissed me off the most. First and foremost, my husband and I have a GREAT relationship. He is my best friend. Sure, we argue. Show me ONE couple that do not get annoyed with each other. Show me ONE couple that has never had a disagreement. Show me ONE couple that hasn't had a fight. I will be the first to say it. We fight. We disagree. We get annoyed with one another. JUST because we do that does NOT mean we have a crappy marriage or relationship. I couldn't be MORE excited to be doing this with HIM. He is an EXCELLENT father who continues to amaze me and I am so honored to call him my husband. We've been through rough patches. We have been through big fights. We have been through a lot even before we got married. But we made it through. We grew together. We loved each other. We respected each other. We are at where we are now and I think it's pretty damn exciting. I understand the reasons this person may have said this. I undertand what they are going through in their life. But it doesn't mean because I vented to them twice about an argument with hubby that our marriage is crap. I guess I learned I REALLY can't trust too many people with things. You would THINK I would have learned that by now. But alas, I still haven't fully grasped it.

But at any rate. I am happy. I am excited. I am content. I don't think I have been happier in my life. This journey we are on is exciting. Sure it's stressful. Sure it's scary. But I know it's going to be amazing! :) And...I guess...what it REALLY comes down to is what is RIGHT for hubby and I. No one else. This is OUR journey. No one else's.

Thank you Mom...

I thought of using "mom" since Mother's Day was just here and I thought it would be a perfect time to be thankful for her...

1. I am thankful my mom gave all she could to both my brother and I. My parents are divorced, they divorced when I was 4 or 5 and she raised us, working her butt off, giving us everything we needed.

2. I am thankful she taught me the importance of giving, the importance of forgiving and the importance of unconditional love.

3. I am thankful she allowed me my freedom growing up and because of that, I was a good kid.

4. I am thankful she was there for every single thing. She was there for school plays, school concerts, baton competitions, dance recitals, gymnastic classes. She was there for all the important things and I am so grateful for that.

5. I am thankful she taught me the importance of having to do things you don't necessarily want to do.

6. I am thankful she instilled in me the importance of family.

7. I am thankful she encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me, and disciplined me.

8. I am thankful she even was there through my crazy New Kids On The Block fascination and drove me to concerts and helped us make signs and banners. (Yes...I totally DID just admit that! LOL!)

9. I am thankful she was there for the birth of my precious daughter and will be there for the birth of our next child.

10. I am thankful that not only is she my mother, but she is my friend. I am truly blessed to know such a wonderful woman. Every day she amazes me. Every day she inspires me. But most importantly...every day she is MY mom and I couldn't be more blessed!

Now tell me about that person in your life...whether your mom or someone else. :)

Thankful Tuesday...

Welcome to Thankful Tuesday! I hope you will take the time to participate this week! It is a great feeling to stop and reflect on all the things you are thankful for! It can do wonders for a bad mood and can do wonders to remind you of the little things that sometimes we all take for granted!

So for this week's assignment...

Your topic is:

YOUR MOTHER, OR SOMEONE THAT IS LIKE A MOTHER-FIGURE TO YOU.
So what you do is simple...

1. Post a new blog listing ten things that you are thankful for in regards to this week's topic! Feel free to do more than 10!

2. Be sure to link my blog somewhere in your post. (Shameless plug...I know!)

3. Come back later on in the day (after I have posted my post (which will probably be some time around 10 California time)) and sign Mr. Linky that will be at the bottom of my post. This will let everyone know you have participated.

4. Leave a comment for the person that signed above you (or if you are first, leave a comment for me).

5. If you are feeling generous, leave a comment for at least 3 people...or even more!

That's it! :) Pretty simple! Now get to work!

The REAL truth to my hiatus...

So yes, I have been gone on a hiatus for a bit. Yes, I have had A LOT going on. Yes, school has been kicking my ass.

But the REAL reason for it all is right here:





Yes...that is our new little bean to be! :) I am only 8 weeks along and although I know it's taboo to tell before your 12th week, I just couldn't wait anymore. Well, that and the fact my waistline has grown and I look like I have gained A LOT of weight. I am not "showing" but I sure have thickened up. Today was the first day of wearing my old maternity jeans. I guess it's true...with the second child you show A LOT quicker. :(

I cried when I put on my maternity pants today. They are a huge pain in the ass. Since I am not "big" yet, I also have to wear my bella band and it's just a pain all the way around. BUT...before too long I am sure I can do without it.

I would have felt really bad if I had continued blogging during the hiatus because I would have felt like I was keeping secrets from all of you. I have even kept distance from my mom and friends just because I am a pretty honest person and to not be honest about this is a hard thing for me to do.

But now the secret is out! The little bean is healthy and is due December 19th. We had our first ultrasound when I was 6 weeks, 4 days along and they could not find the heartbeat. I was pretty scared and pretty anxious but as of Friday, it was there. We even got to hear it on the ultrasound!

I have been EXHAUSTED and sick off and on. I am usually in bed by 9 - TOPS. But other than the total and complete exhaustion and the bouts of barfing or feeling like I have to, I am so excited!!!

So we are plugging along. House hunting. Baby growing. Just doing wonderful!

I will be here more regularly since I am able to be honest with all of you now!

It's good to be back!